Author's note: …I was bored, I was sick…I felt like writing some HiDeiTachi. Personally, I don't think this one's one of my best, but I wanted to write SOMETHING and this was the first thing that came to mind. Now that I look back on it, food poisoning just sounds kinda weird, but meh, I figured Hidan would go to extremes XD I figured I'd post this since I haven't posted a HiDeiTachi fic in awhile D: Maybe some of you guys can give out themes or word prompts in reviews to give me ideas for more fics with these guy. I'm not very imaginative lately XP
Disclaimer: I don't own them TT.TT
Robots Don't Get Sick
"I didn't think immortals got sick, un," Deidara snickered.
The heated glare from pink eyes silenced him. "Who the fuck came up with that load of shit? Everybody gets sick, seriously," Hidan snarled, coughing a bit.
"Not Itachi, un. I've never seen him sick."
Hidan quirked a brow. "Well he's a robot. Robots don't get sick."
"But you just said—"
"Humans, Deidara-chan. HUMANS get sick, not robots."
Deidara gave him an irritated look. "Itachi's a human."
Hidan smirked. "Oh yeah? He sure doesn't act like one."
"Neither do you, un."
"Touché." Hidan thought a moment and chuckled.
"What's so funny?" Deidara asked.
"How do you feel about poisoning red-eye?"
"P-Poison?"
"Not enough to kill, just to make him sick."
"No way, un!" the blonde snarled.
"Tch. You're such a pussy."
"I am not, un!"
Hidan rolled his eyes. "The one time I ask for a favor and you can't even help me. That hurts, Deidara-chan." He jokingly placed a hand over his heart.
"Stop being dramatic, Hidan, un," the other growled. "I'm not helping you poison Itachi."
"Oh c'mon, you know you secretly wanna see how he'd react."
Deidara glared at the other man. "We could get in big trouble, un."
"So what? It'd be fucking worth it, seriously."
After MUCH consideration, Deidara eventually agreed. The plan was that they would put food poisoning in Itachi's most favored meal: dango. The idea alone made Hidan break into incoherent cackling. Deidara was still afraid that Itachi would end up dead and that somehow his brother would find out and go on an Akatsuki killing rampage for taking away his revenge.
Once the poison was in place, Hidan and Deidara remained sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for the Uchiha to come. He didn't disappoint. At exactly 11:04, Itachi came striding into the room and picked up a plate of dangos. He sat down at the table across from Hidan and next to Deidara. He took a bite and internally moaned at how good it was. He glanced to his right to see Deidara giving him a very worried look. Then he turned his head to look at Hidan who was smirking like it was Jashin Appreciation Week or something.
Itachi shrugged and continued eating his beloved dango. Hidan started giggling at some point. Not laughing maniacally like all evil people do, but giggling. As in he sounded like a man with severe breathing problems. Deidara was staring at Hidan as well with an irritated look on his face. Although Itachi couldn't see most of the blonde's face from where he was sitting anyway, so he wasn't completely sure what Deidara was doing. He could be making funny faces at Hidan for all he knew.
Hidan, at this point, was giggling so much that he was wheezing in his chair. He pounded the table with his fist, which almost dumped all of Itachi's dango onto the floor. Itachi gave the immortal a glare of doom. Once he was finished with his meal, Itachi stood up and emptied the dango sticks into the trash before walking away.
There was a brief moment of silence as Hidan and Deidara watched him leave before Hidan broke down laughing. "Oh my fucking Jashin! That was so fucking awesome!" he cried.
"What was? He didn't even get sick, un," Deidara grumbled. "Maybe he is immune…"
"Are you serious, blondie? Food poisoning doesn't work for another couple hours or so. He should start feelin' something later."
Hidan and Deidara spotted Itachi a couple hours later looking just fine and dandy and un-sick. Deidara chuckled. "Looks like it didn't work, un."
The silver-haired man glared at him. "Shut the fuck up. And why are you so happy anyway? This just proves that red-eye's a fucking robot." The smirk on Deidara's face dropped instantly. Hidan laughed at his expression and slapped him on the back. "Ah well, we tried," he continued. "Maybe next time I should kiss him with my cold and see if I'm contagious enough to give it to him…"
"He'd try to kill you before you could do that, un."
"Yeah, you're right," he sighed.
As they walked away, Itachi was curled up on his bed in his room, having the worst stomachache he had never had in his life. He could beat this. Although he had no idea how he had gotten the stomachache, it had started after eating his dango. But that was ridiculous. Dango had never made him this sick before…
Then his eyes widened. "Hidan…Deidara…" he hissed, clutching his stomach. Damn those two to hell.