Fallen ( Part 1/1 )
by Haneoka ( haneoka@haneoka.net )
Standard disclaimer applies. I don't own the characters; this is a non-profit work of fan fiction by me. =)
Summary: Written in Souma Kana's point of view, involving her and Hatori's story that's told in episode 8; [spoilers] What is Kana thinking as she walks away from the Souma house, free of the memories of a doomed love?
***
The snow is falling.
'Mmm, snow!' I smile. As much as I love the sight of the slight snow flakes falling and whirling away, I can't hold back a shudder from the freezing wind as I walk down the street. My shaking breaks through the comfort I had in the sight of the snow, and brings a chill that leads my mind back to the chill in my heart.
'The snow was falling when I first came to work with Hatori-san...and now the snow is falling as I leave...' I think. On the surface, it seems that nothing has changed.
And yet I feel something.
Something's different, something's changed about me and my world. What's happened to me since I've come to work for Hatori-san?
The answer is...
Nothing.
Nothing has changed.
'Ehhh,' I chide myself. 'Not like you were expecting anything to change. Not like you were hoping Hatori-san would notice you. At least you tried your best, ne?'
And then there's that aching answer of 'Nothing, nothing' again, pushing itself in my face when I would turn away and think of happier things. Frustration builds, but I try to push it away. Why can't there be a simple answer to why I feel this way? Instead, all I have is the absence of answers; I feel like I'm staring into the darkness, trying to make out a single word written on a wall I cannot see.
The absence of the kind of answers, the kind of dream I want, and the merciless loneliness of being alone in a mystery that's not a mystery, coils itself around my heart.
I miss...the courage I had a year ago. The daring part of me that was willing to learn more about him a year ago...is gone now, after a year in which nothing has changed. Something that was a part of me has fallen away, and I can't reach out to recover it in the whirling snow.
What have I lost? Why is there _nothing_? Is nothing...what happened with Hatori-san?
It must have been nothing...Nothing at all.
Yet after all those years in high school when I had a crush on him...years of shy admiration, building up till it became it was more than a desire, it was an inspiration, my motivation...I must have given myself away at some point...and wasn't I hoping that I would, somehow, give myself away?
Give myself to Hatori. I wanted Hatori to accept me, and give himself to me.
...But I guess I didn't. I guess he didn't.
I guess...
Nothing has changed.
*
I think of Hatori-san's face when I thanked him earlier today.
Was he watching me as I walked away? Was he thinking of how I would no longer be there? Was he wondering what it would be like when we were no longer together? If it could be called being together...
I shake my head, a wry smile forcing itself to my cold lips. He would have had no reason...would he?
Maybe he was. Maybe he was still somewhere in that enormous silent house,watching me walk farther away from him through one of those windows. I never turned around to be sure. Hope dangles itself in front of me, and I unconsciously reach for it...
I pull back in my mind. No, I had no reason to turn around. It was so cold that he would have returned to the house immediately.
Strange...as I left the Souma house, I had the most unexplainable need to turn back. Face Hatori-san...Smile...Say all the things that I've dreamed of saying that would make him smile.
Smile at me. I wanted that, for so long. I wanted to see his eyes look at me. I wanted to hear him say 'Kana' in that voice...
I wanted all that and more...for so many years.
'Baka Kana,' I think, as a single tear steal away from my eye, and it dries immediately in the face of the cold. I feel so cold, my heart, my head... 'Even before you came to work there, you were hoping for so much more. Even before he knew your name. Even before this year...where nothing happened.'
That must be it. I'm walking away from the Souma house, after a year of training, when I've learned so much in the medical field. I should feel proud - I've been trained by Dr. Hatori Souma himself!
I'm proud, proud that I've accomplished that much.
But the fact that nothing ever happened between me and Hatori-san...makes me sad. Makes me feel an empty, hollow ache in my heart.
Not the ache of one whose heart was broken. I feel no bitterness, no regret from that kind of loss. Yet, it feels hollow somehow. Disappointment? I can't quite name it...but it's more than that. I feel like I am missing something, like I have lost something, and I want to find it, recover it.
I feel now, as if I can hear the echo of a song, but I cannot hear the music itself. The song has already been played and the notes are fading away, and I've forgotten what the melody was--even though I've been waiting my whole life to hear it.
The snow is falling, and nothing has changed.
*
I guess he and I weren't meant to be.
*
A little child runs by laughing at the snow and I wake up to reality with a start. I have been standing in the middle of the sidewalk, my umbrella askew, as crowds walked by and I was lost in my thoughts.
The snow is thick now, flying around me, and snowflakes land on my nose and disappear as fast as they came.
'I wonder if I ever asked Hatori-san what the snow becomes after melting,' I suddenly wonder, gazing at the heavy gray sky, as I slowly begin to shift my forgetful feet forward. I can't remember if I asked him that - my favorite question, ever since I was a child and my mother asked it of me. I love surprising people who think that all snow becomes after melting is "water."
I must have asked him. After all, I remember in high school...he was the one I wanted to ask that question of the most. What would his reaction be? Would he smile? How badly I wanted to know, to try, to see.
I laugh a little out loud, remembering the silly freshman that was me, the handsome senior that was him. We had never met, even though we were distantly related. But everyone knew who Souma Hatori was. And I knew _of_ him. I had _seen_ him. I had...felt something for him.
And I had still wanted to ask him that question. I wanted to know if he would be surprised at the truth in my answer.
I wanted to know if that faraway look in his eyes would change to look at what was in front of him.
Me.
I stop walking again. My feet won't go any farther, my mind won't move on from the past.
I can't turn back. I can't go back and ask him that question again (would it be again? didn't I ask him already? what was his answer?), find out if he knows the answer. There is no reason...no need...no hope.
But even so...
I somehow find myself taking a hold of the slightest strand of hope, as I walk home in the midst of the cold storm, that although I can't remember having asked him that one question, Hatori-san will remember my answer...that snow always melts to become the spring.
Warm, wonderful spring. The spring I dreamed, so long ago, where we could be happy. Hatori...and Kana. Him and me. Us.
If he knows that, then maybe something has changed after all.
And beneath the melted snow, with the birth of spring, whatever has fallen...will be found again.
***
Notes: I took several liberties with this fic. ^_^ I'm a little (actually FAR) behind on the FB manga, so this is just my take on Kana's feelings right after she left Hatori, without a clue of what had passed between them (as seen in the anime, ep. 8). I actually wrote the fic before I read the manga version of it, just thinking it'd be neat if Kana's comment in the anime about how she had thought he was so cool in high school meant that she had been in love with him before she worked for him, but that's actually done more explicitly in the manga. Hehe. ^_^; I think the manga returns to Kana later on and gives more info about her, but I haven't really read that part, so consider this slightly removed from the regular storyline. However, I think it is consistent with Kana's recovery and what she does later.
Comments & criticism are welcome, though a timely response can't be assured when I'm going through a stressful time, which is usually 99% of the time. ^_^
written by:
Haneoka // October 16, 2002
http://haneoka.net // haneoka@haneoka.net