Whilst I am well aware that I have other stories that require updating this one has been bugging me for a while so I needed to get it out of my system; not sure how I feel about the ending though...
Fun fact: I quoted Doctor Who somewhere in here, any guesses as to where?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I Never Was Yours
The sky is heavy with rain and the previously gentle autumn breeze has developed into a powerful gale which sends the palm trees lining the beach swaying and Dez's hair falling into his eyes; it hadn't been like this when he'd stepped out of the house and he wishes he'd had the sense to wear something more substantial than the emerald green cardigan he'd left draped over the back of the couch several days ago.
The waterfront, as far as Dez can tell, is abandoned. The sand is littered with various food wrappers and cans, a colourful beach towel is floating along in the wind with every gust of air that rushes by, and the usually clear water is lapping at the shore, moving rapidly closer to the beach huts up ahead. As the wind grows stronger Dez stuffs his hands in his pockets, a feeble attempt at preserving his warmth, and forces himself forward despite the weather's best efforts to push him back towards the parking lot.
It's hard keeping his eyes open, especially with the fat droplets of rain that are beginning to leak from the clouds above, but Dez perseveres; he knows what he's looking for and no amount of bad weather is going to stop him. His eyes sting as the wind presses into him, sending tiny grains of sand at his face, and there's a small voice in his head screaming at him to turn around, return to his car and hurry home before something bad happens; he ignores it, knowing that if he does not plough forward then something far worse is to come.
Behind him a loud bang occurs, the sound is almost painful to his ears, and Dez hazards a glance in the opposite direction. The lifeguards chair has just gone sailing through the air and has collided with Shredder's Beach Club, the large wooden structure smashing through the roof of the main club building. Dez wishes he could say his body is trembling due to the plummeting temperature but he knows better than to lie to himself.
With a rapidly beating heart Dez begins sprinting down the beach, sand finding its way into his shoes with ease. The world around him is increasingly dark and he knows that it won't be long before the dark veil which has replaced the ordinarily blue sky gives way and the downpour begins. The wind has grown so strong Dez can no longer hold his head up and his chin is pressing painfully into his chest. It is down to muscle memory that he stumbles upon his chosen destination; his hands grasping desperately to the rocks ahead whilst he fights ferociously with the wind whipping at him from every direction.
Dez has climbed these rocks every summer since the sixth grade when his mom finally decided he was old enough to go out without parental supervision. It had been Austin who had dared him to clamber over the jagged rocks at the farthest end of the beach. At their young age the duo hadn't realised the only thing at the top of the towering hill was a breath-taking view of the ocean and more rocks.
Over the years the boys had learnt to scale the precipice without much difficulty, however the worsening weather makes the normally easy feat one which requires great skill an attention. For the first time in twenty seven years, Dez finds himself actually fearing for his life; his fingers can't quite get the right grasp on the wet gravel and his hair seems to be perpetually in his eyes preventing him from making any attempts to climb the cliff safely.
Eventually, and he's really not sure how he does it, Dez makes it to the top of the cliff in one piece, practically kissing the mossy ground as he stumbles to its relative safety. The brink of the hill isn't particularly big, in fact there is every possibility that birds have nests larger than the top of this cliff, but it's spacious enough that both Dez and Austin have always been able to lie comfortably on the ground together.
Though he'd happily give anything to stand on his feet and stretch out his long giraffe like limbs after the agony that came with ascending the rock face, Dez isn't stupid enough to attempt it; he knows that the moment he stands he'll be swept into the air as easily as the forgotten towel back on the beach. Therefore, it is with great caution that Dez rolls his body to the side, turning his gaze to the tip of the cliff; the boys had always been careful when it came to the cliff edge, the rocks are less stable there and have a tendency to drop off at random intervals.
"Austin," Dez breathes, his eyes locking onto the back of his friend's head. "Austin!" He says, his voice is louder than before; the wind carrying it away easily. "Austin, get away from there!"
Much to Dez's chagrin, Austin is perched on the end of the hill, his feet dangling precariously in the air and his head tipped so far forward that Dez considers it a miracle that the man hasn't toppled straight over the edge of the cliff and down to the jagged rocks below. Carefully, Dez shuffles forward, no doubt staining his brightly coloured slacks in the process.
Soon, though not soon enough, Dez's hand clamps down on Austin's shoulder, forcing him back from the edge and into the supposed safety; if the wind pushes any harder, however, there is no doubt in Dez's mind that they are both doomed, regardless of their position on the summit.
"Austin, come on, we've got to go," Dez shouts, though the air whistling around them seems to swallow his words the moment they fall from his lips.
Austin's head rolls to the left, his eyes turning to meet Dez's; they're rimmed red and Dez winces in surprise because there is no way they aren't agonisingly sore. The happiness that usually lingers in Austin's dark eyes is gone, replaced by a sadness that Dez can't even begin to comprehend. The hand on Austin's shoulder tightens and Dez pulls the man to him, holding him closely to his chest as though he can somehow absorb the man's pain and fix the horrid situation.
If Austin appreciates the gesture he doesn't show it, his head flopping like a dead fish onto Dez's chest and his eyes turning their glazed stare back to the murky water, the waves rolling in with an impressive speed. Austin's hair is a mess, the peroxide locks standing up in every direction and Dez can't tell if the style is a result of the weather or of Austin himself.
"Dude, we need to go. It's not safe up here," Dez says into Austin's ear, he's aware that perhaps he's being unnecessarily loud but Austin still isn't responding and he has no other way of getting to him. Fat droplets of rain are making their way down from the heavens and Dez can feel the fear pulsing through his veins; if they don't leave now they're going to die.
"It's not safe down there either," Austin comments, gently pushing himself out of Dez's vice like grip. The older man uses every ounce of his self-control not to gag as the blonde speaks, his words smell like liver failure, making it blatantly obvious that Austin is drunk. "Nothing is safe because everything is fucked."
Dez grimaces at the man's senseless words. He doesn't understand why Austin would do this for it is one thing to scale the cliff in the midst of what is presumably a hurricane but it is another thing entirely to do it inebriated. The red head's stomach drops as his mind runs over the idea of Austin clamouring the cliff face, drunk as hell and swaying in the breeze.
"We can talk about this when we're in my car but we can't stay here," Dez says, his numb fingers hooking themselves into the hood of Austin's jacket. His mind is now racing because there is every chance one or both of them are going to die, and there isn't a world he wants to live in where Austin Moon doesn't exist. "Please, Austin, let's go!" He's begging now, his voice a pathetic whimper but he'd desperate.
The idea of living in a world without Austin hurts, it hurts so fucking much. He doesn't like the idea of dying himself either but he'd rather it were him than his best friend; all he's leaving behind is his cat, and he's sure Duchess would forgive him eventually. Austin, however, he – fuck, Dez doesn't even want to consider it.
"No," Austin shoves him off, he's more forcible this time and there is a moment where Dez thinks he's going to plunge to his death but Dez is sober and his reaction times are far faster than Austin's own, so he holds on with little effort and fixes the blonde with a scowl.
"Austin, fucking move!" Dez pulls at Austin's clothes but it is to no avail, the small man just stares resolutely at the horizon. "We haven't got time for this, we've got to go!"
"You go, leave me here," Austin says, leaning forward slightly; it's enough to send Dez's pulse into overdrive. Before he really has time to register what he is doing, Dez is flinging himself forward, wrapping his arms around Austin's neck and dragging him back away from the edge. "Stop! Get off of me!"
Austin fights back, his calloused fingers clawing at Dez's cardigan and whatever else he can get his hands on; he very nearly takes out Dez's eye. The boys scramble at the top of the cliff, their bodies becoming one as they roll back and forth; Austin may or may not be trying to roll them over the edge.
Finally, Dez realises he is the only one fighting anymore; Austin has gone slack in his arms and his shirt is now wet with a concoction of rain and tears. It isn't long before Austin's body is shaking with ugly sobs and Dez can do nothing but hold the man as he cries.
"I want to die, Dez! Why won't you let me die?" For a man who smells like a brewery, Austin's words are surprisingly clear and they cut through Dez with the force of a thousand knives; his only response is to hold his friend closer. "I just want to die. I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to forget."
Dez cards his fingers through Austin's soft blonde hair and hopes desperately that it can be considered soothing. He's not great at this 'comforting' thing, he never has been, even as a kid he was forever saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and it wasn't intentional, he'd never set out to hurt anyone but Dez had never been particularly good a gauging a situation. Now he keeps his mouth shut, terrified of upsetting Austin further and inadvertently sending them both over the side of the cliff.
Silently he wishes Ally were here but as soon as he thinks it he regrets it; it's her fault they're here in the first place. Instead he wishes he could make Austin forget, take away his pain and solve it all. Dez would happily spend the rest of his life in misery if it meant his best friend would be okay, though as they are hit from every angle by the accelerating wind, Dez isn't sure anything will ever be okay again.
"She was it for me, she always has been," Austin wails, snot dripping from his nose as his fists pound woefully against Dez's chest. "She's my favourite person, I was going to marry her… spend the rest of my life with her! And I just love her so much but she – she – and then she – I think I hate her, and I broke all her stuff but it didn't help and I still love her and I –" The man's howls are cut off by another particularly heart wrenching sob, and he's soon back to soaking Dez's shirt with tears.
"I know," Dez says though he knows it's a lie. He doesn't know and he knows he never will get to know; he's been lumbered with the pain of unrequited love instead. "You're gonna be okay though. You've been through so much before and you've come out on top every time. You're going to be okay, Austin."
It must be something Dez says because as soon as the words are out of his mouth, Austin wrenches himself out of Dez's arms and glares at the older man with a fury of a man possessed. "How can you say that? I'm never going to be okay, Dez! Can't you see? She cheated on me! Ally fucking cheated on me and I was going to marry her! I gave up everything for her and she went and fucking cheated on me for six fucking years!"
Dez doesn't say anything because he isn't sure there is anything he can say. He wishes Austin knew, wishes that he'd seen what Dez had thought to be perfectly obvious but was instead the world's best kept secret. It's been ten years and Dez has never said it out loud to anyone other than his cat, and Trish that one time while drunk, but fuck does he wish he had.
He wishes with every part of him that he'd told him that day in the mall; they'd been making stupid videos all afternoon, Dez acting as the camera man and Austin as the star of the show, the same dynamic they'd been using since kindergarten. The day had been perfect; he'd even somehow managed to score enough game tickets at the arcade to win Austin the plush wallaby the boy had been eyeing up for months. High on life Dez had allowed Austin to coerce him into dropping by the music store, something about corn dogs and drums.
That day had been the day they'd met Ally and Trish, and consequently that chance encounter had changed their lives. By the time the duo had made it back to Austin's house, whatever hope Dez had had of confessing his feelings to Austin had been dashed by the fact that all the blonde wanted to talk about was 'the bossy brunette from Sonic Boom'.
Sometimes he wonders what might have happened had he told Austin the truth that day; he likes the idea that they might have gotten together, might have bought an apartment in the city somewhere and lived out their dreams side by side. Maybe they might have gotten married, their parents watching on with proud eyes, Trish as his best woman because for whatever reason she understand Dez more than anyone else ever has, Austin aside of course.
But that isn't the case. Instead it's Austin and Ally and they're made for each other, or at least they had been.
"I miss her, I miss her so fucking much and she doesn't even care. I wake up in the middle of the night and I just… she used to be there, every fucking night for six fucking years she was there, through the good and the bad she was still there and I don't know want to do now she's not," he rasps, and the hurt in Austin's eyes is almost enough to make Dez throw himself of the edge of the cliff too. "I was so happy and she… well, she wasn't happy, was she? She was so unhappy with me that she was running around with some other fucking guy. Why did she do this? Why did she do this to me? Why couldn't I make her happy?"
"It's not about that Austin!" Dez says and he hopes Austin assumes that the water running down his cheeks is from the rain. "Austin… you didn't do anything. I can't pretend to understand Ally but I know that this wasn't anything to do with you. You gave her everything, there was nothing more you could have done. Maybe you weren't perfect for Ally but you're always exactly what I need. I know you're hurting right now but this isn't the answer. Austin, please don't leave me."
"Then what do I do?" Austin spits. "Tell me, Dez! What the fuck do I do? I gave up everything for her, every-fucking-thing! I gave up my music career, the one thing in this world that made me happy and I gave it up because of her. I work for my parents at their fucking mattress store, I own a house can no longer afford to live in because my girlfriend decided to finally fuck off with her lover; what kind of fucking name is Truman anyway?"
"You do what you've always done, Austin," Dez reaches out with his hand to take hold of Austin who has little by little began shuffling towards the cliff edge again. "You carry on. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."
"I don't think I can do this," Austin murmurs, looking at Dez with tired eyes. His legs are shaking and Dez knows it's not because of the cold. "I don't think I can do this. I can't."
Slowly Dez takes Austin's hand in his own and pulls him close, cradling him in his arms as though he is a small child, not a six foot tall, fully grown man. Austin keeps repeating that he 'can't do this' and Dez doesn't know if he's talking about jumping or living but he's not about to give him the choice. He places a soft kiss to Austin's forehead, his hand cupping the shorter man's cheek.
"You can do this," He assures. "I promise you that you can do this."
Maybe it's the look in his eyes that does it or maybe it's the fact that one quick gust of wind practically picks them up and deposits them on the slanting hillside before the rock face but Austin nods in response. He's still sniffling but Austin offers a lopsided smile in thanks as Dez wipes away his tears with a soft brush of his thumb.
"Okay."