The Doctor watched from the shadows with heavy hearts as Rose Tyler danced with Jack Harkness. Not Rose Tyler anymore, a voice that sounded suspiciously like One reminded him. Rose Harkness, now.
Shut up, he snarled back. I know; because of me we lost her. My fault.He then suggested that One do something physically impossible—unless time travel was included, of course, in which case it was entirely possible.
Eleven... Eight sighed. Don't blame him. It was all of our faults. We couldn't tell her, pushed her away—
I KNOW! Eleven thundered. What was he even doing at their wedding, anyway?
Domestic, Nine snorted.
But we'd do domestic for her. For Rose, Ten murmured. Anything for her... Memories of "Rose Tyler, I..." and "Forever" drift through Ten's "mind" in the back of Eleven's.
She left us, left us for him, Eleven whimpered. He shook, fighting to remain still as Jack leaned in and whispered something in his Rose's ear.
Just leave, Eight suggested. Don't think about this; get out before you do something we'll all regret. GO. Ten versions of the Doctor assented, but it all depended on Eleven. What Eleven chose.
Eleven's mouth opened, then closed again. "My Rose Tyler," he mouthed to her, still standing in the shadows. "My precious girl. I—" Eleven gave voice to a Gallifreyan word that meant "have always/will always/do/couldn't not" "—love you."
Then he locked her away. Put her and his love for her in a room in his mind and bolted the door. Another companion, gone.
No more emotions. The Ponds, trapped in a time that isn't theirs; River Song, trained since birth to kill me, duped into loving me; Clara Oswin Oswald, jumping into my time stream, trying to save me; Donna, oh, Donna—my best friend, the one who made me live again; Sarah Jane, waiting for years... And my Susan. My beloved granddaughter. Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry...
Susan... My poor Susan. What did I do to you? I shouldn't have taken you away—or I should have used the Chameleon Arch to hide you, dear girl...
No more. No more loving companions. Never again. Love destroys. It doesn't help.
And with that, the Doctor sealed his fate: To force Thirteen to become the Valeyard, to never love, and to be driven to a level of self-destructive loathing that he would attempt to kill himself centuries before consciously becoming the Valeyard...
But he never forgot. He always remembered Rose Tyler—the pink and yellow human who became Rose Harkness—the girl he always loved, the one who saved Nine, and she became his reason. The reason why he wanted to love, and couldn't. The reason he tried to kill Six, trying to keep himself from ever meeting Rose, from ever destroying her... And how Thirteen hoped. The one part of him that was sane, that was Thirteen and not part of the other Doctors hoped. He hoped to never meet an old companion, to never see the looks of horror on their faces, to never hear their voices as they begged him to "Stop this—Doctor, what are you doing?!", to never destroy their lives as he had destroyed his own, and to never see the face of Rose Tyler again, because she was the only one who could bring him back. The Doctor is dead, the Valeyard told the universe at large. I am the Valeyard, and you will fear my name.
This was written as a Secret Santa gift for arkannismajor via Tumblr. So, merry Christmas/happy holidays to all, and... I bet you're going to have a really great year.