Warning: Contains mentions of self harm and suicide attempt. Do not read if you are sensitive to any of these topics.
Jyushimatsu sat on the park bench, kicking his feet back and forth. The moon stood over the entirety of the country of Japan and other countries that stood in the continent of Asia. Other stars twinkled over head, hundreds upon thousands of them. Like all of the miscounted mistakes he had made. He already had several counted, and he continued to count as many as he could figure out, but he knew that the actual number had to be completely astronomical. Which is why the stars reminded him of such.
A sky filled with mistakes.
The first starting with his existence. Lord, he knew that sextuplets was an awful lot of children to have at once, especially if they're all boys and not to mention NEET's. It was supposed to be just Osomatsu-niisan, and no one else. But then came Karamatsu-niisan, then Choromatsu-niisan, and then Ichimatsu-niisan, then himself, and finally his one and only little brother, Todomatsu. Maybe the thought brought him down more than it should, but if anything, it only made his pounding thoughts worse.
The Totty Shouldn't Exist Theory was beginning to make less and less sense. If Totty didn't exist, then it would be the Jyushimatsu Shouldn't Exist Theory, and so forth until it finally was only Osomatsu-niisan. But Totty was normal. Hell, the most abnormal out of the six of them was himself, and he knew it.
And it hurt.
Why was he even thinking like this? He was always happy, fearless, enthusiastic, never sad, clueless, naive, annoying, stupid...his ego couldn't take anymore ideas of what he was-or what he was supposed to be.
He knew that his brothers each had their own issues. Osomatsu was rather lazy and unmotivated when it came to anything remotely adult like. Karamatsu had a slight bit of depression, only Jyushimatsu knew. Choromatsu had rather severe anxiety, everyone knew that. Ichimatsu had severe depression, everyone had to know that in case anything happened. And Todomatsu really just had an internet addiction accompanied by a few cyber bullies here and there which required his brothers' reassurance every now and again, which no one objected to helping with.
And Jyushimatsu?
He knew he had his own issues, but he didn't acknowledge them.
Or at least not in the ways he should have.
None of his family knew, Homura didn't know, Chibita, Iyami, Dekapan, Dayon, ESP kitty, no one knew except for himself. But how exactly was he supposed to admit to himself that he needed help when he, himself, was the help? That he was one of the only reasons his brothers smiled.
He helped Osomatsu gain some assortment of motivation to get out of his pajamas and go outside to do something.
He helped Karamatsu through the thoughts of doubt and self mutilation, and even the act of going as far as self mutilating just a bit.
He helped Choromatsu through his many panic attacks.
He helped Ichimatsu with his self harm goals. He helped him put the pills back in the bottle.
He helped Todomatsu believe that he was good enough.
He was supposed to help. He was the help. He didn't have time for his own issues.
He gripped the arm rests of the park bench of which he sat on. He was just the help. No matter how many times he went home and slept on the futon with five other men of the same facial features yet completely different personas, no matter the amount of times they each went to Chibita's together, no matter how many times he helped that's all he was and ever would be. Not a true official member of the sextuplet clan. Just an extra in the strange play they each had a part in. A significant part. The play was more of an improv session. No script to memorize or actions to go through and rehearse. It was all impromptu and unexpected. And Jyushimatsu thought about how much more easier it would all be if it was all just laid out in sections. Beautiful and perfect sections that told him what was going to happen and how to react.
This person will get married on this date, and you will be his best man and happily accept.
This person will die on this date and you will be mournful.
This person will have a panic attack on this date and you will be calming and relaxing and help them through it.
How much easier would that be?
To be a machine and go through the motions. Which was exactly how he felt any how. Some days he actually had to remind himself that he was human or else he wouldn't have believed anyone else. And the way he reminded himself wasn't exactly the healthiest. But he didn't mind. It helped him. Nothing else really helped. Sleeping pills helped keep the bags nonexistent underneath his eyes. False confidence and pride kept a fake, wide smile glued to his lips. Reassuring lies kept his sanity barely intact. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but it worked. And that is all that mattered. Nothing else at all mattered. Just that these tricks worked.
He felt a strange liquid drip down his face, and he looked up to the midnight sky, checking the forecast. There wasn't really any precipitation carrying clouds in the sky. No, it was a beautiful, star filled night with a beautiful full moon to completely compliment it. No, it wasn't raining.
He dabbed his finger against his cheek, the wetness seeming to have jumped over onto his finger.
He was crying.
He was really actually crying.
Was this a malfunction?
He wasn't supposed to cry. He was programmed to help. To not feel.
He wasn't human, he couldn't be, he couldn't.
But the proof that he was was written on his arms.
He was so confused.
Things didn't make sense. Images were blurry. Sounds were muffled. Emotions were bottled. And he hated it. He hated this feeling of drowning while everyone else around him wore genuine smiles and laughed and breathed fine while he struggled to take in a single breath without dying. Sometimes dying seemed nice. It sometimes seemed like the one and only way to escape this horrid life of his.
He hated thinking this way.
OoOoOoO
"Hasn't it been a while since anyone has seen Jyushimatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu asked curiously, looking up from his phone for the first time since the five brothers had started to stare at the TV, most of their attention directed to the random game show that aired on the screen. Only two of the five had been preoccupied with other things, Todomatsu with his phone that contained all of his social medias, and Ichimatsu with ESP kitty that circled around on his lap and sat still occasionally, awaiting to be groomed and petted.
Ichimatsu looked up from the small cat and glanced to the clock, his eyes still glazed over with his nonchalant, I hate life, look that they always seemed to hold. "It's midnight."
"What time did our little Jyushimatsu leave?" Karamatsu asked, glancing back at the two, previously having been staring at the television screen.
Choromatsu looked to the clock as well, nervousness starting to seep in to the pit of his stomach. "He left at around...six in the after noon."
"Six hours outside? And well past midnight along with him not eating any dinner? Do you guys think Jyushimatsu may have gotten lost?" Osomatsu asked everyone, looking a bit confused. Jyushimatsu was never out for this long. He was always back by dinner.
"Maybe...but where would he have gone that he is unfamiliar with? And if he was lost, why wouldn't he have called us?"
"Phone may have died. Not everyone keeps a portable phone charger with them like you do, Totty." Ichimatsu retorted, his fingers continuing to stroke ESP kitty's soft fur. Todomatsu sent a small glare Ichimatsu's way but didn't retort back.
"This is still unlike our little Jyushimatsu. I'm worried for him." Karamatsu stated, glasses off of his face and revealing his identical eyes of five other men. Jyushimatsu and Karamatsu often spent time singing and playing together. Maybe not as often as Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu did, but still. He enjoyed singing with the ball of goofiness and sunshine.
"Should we go out and look for him?" Todomatsu asked, feeling a bit nervous as well.
Ichimatsu looked at all of the confused brothers. He too was a bit worried himself. There had been something wrong. Seriously wrong. He could feel it. He just didn't know what exactly it was. But he knew that it definitely had to do with his immediate younger brother. Despite that stupid grin that he always held on his face that kept all of the others sane, Ichimatsu had felt as if Jyushimatsu's recent smiles were being forced rather than natural. And that was alarming in itself. "I think we should. He hasn't been himself lately."
"What are you talking about?" Choromatsu asked, confused by his younger brother's statement. He hadn't seen a change in Jyushimatsu's behavior. Not a single change. He had still managed to help him through his attacks. He still was the same wacky Jyushimatsu. He still smiled. "Jyushimatsu has been fairly normal-or normal for him, anyways-lately. What do you mean?" Of course Choromatsu had to add in that mumbled part.
"His smiles..." Ichimatsu said slowly, placing ESP kitty on the ground before standing on his own two feet. "Haven't you noticed? They're growing more and more forced. By the day, by the hour, by the minute, by the second, his smile seems to grow smaller and smaller. More and more forced. It's not like Jyushimatsu to have to force a smile." Ichimatsu said, frown still placed upon his lips.
His brothers searched within their minds, thinking long and hard. They hadn't noticed anything wrong with the fifth brother. Nothing seemed wrong with him. Perhaps this was all just within Ichimatsu's mind. "Well...uh...I think we should just stay here and wait for Jyushimatsu to come back." Osomatsu proposed to which Choromatsu and Todomatsu agreed. Karamatsu, however, didn't look as convinced.
"My dear brothers, I'm with Ichimatsu on this one. I believe that something is really wrong with our little Jyushimatsu." Karamatsu proclaimed.
Osomatsu rolled his eyes. "Alright...if you both want to go and search for him, then by all means, and Totty and Fappymatsu and I will stay home and wait to see if Jyushimatsu will arrive home. Deal?"
Ichimatsu death glared his oldest brother. He knew that that wasn't real concern. That was his lazy ass not wanting to bother himself with searching for the sunshine of the Matsuno household. But there was not point in trying to force him to come. Besides, what if Jyushimatsu did indeed come back? "Fine. Shittymatsu, lets go." He demanded, one foot already out the door.
Karamatsu looked at his other three brothers as they resumed their earlier stances, Choromatsu still looking a bit on edge, but otherwise the other two had gone back to their previous distractions. Todomatsu was yet again back on all of his hundreds upon thousands of social media websites, and Osomatsu was back to having his eyes plastered to the silver screen in their living room. It made Karamatsu feel sort of...sick. Though, he was unsure why. Maybe it was because his younger brother was out there somewhere with a troubled mind.
And with that thought, Karamatsu stepped outside of the front door, following behind his younger brother, hoping that the other Matsuno could soon be found.
OoOoOoO
He was unsure of how he got to where he was. He didn't recall climbing up to the railing of Karamatsu's favorite bridge. But then again, he didn't care either. All he remembered was that he was on the park bench and he was now on the edge of the bridge's railing. He was sitting on it, legs facing the drop off into the deep water. Though, underneath him was plethora of sharp and dangerous rocks. He was thinking again.
What if I jumped off?
What if I died?
What if I disappeared?
What if my brothers didn't notice?
Or care?
What if someone found me penetrated by the rocks?
What if...what if...what if...what if...
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
He felt tears start to run down his cheeks once more. They were fiery hot tears that penetrated the cool, crisp midnight air. They felt as if they were leaving behind trails of hot steam, his cheeks cold from the cool air, and the tears hot.
Maybe...
It would only take an instant...
His sleeved hands slid a little bit along the railing. He looked down to the ledge he could stand on. It was a narrow thing, not much space for his feet to stand together on without his toes going off of the edge. But despite the cramped spot, he slid off of the rail and onto the ledge, his sleeved hands clinging to the railing behind him. He looked down at the waves crashing against the sharp, rigid rocks just underneath him.
He dared to smile genuinely for the first time in months.
And he did.
And it was horrifying.
It wasn't much of a smile, but more so of a grimace. An insane grimace that deserved to be placed in a padded room along with him dressed in a straight jacket. The cuts covering his arms confirmed the need for the straight jacket.
He let his arms extend out further so he was hanging a bit more over the water, hands still clasped to the hand railing. He looked down at the black waters below. If the sun was out, the water would definitely look blue as opposed to its black tint as of now. But for now, it took on the deep black color, revealing no signs of a bottom to the deep water.
If he jumped off now, right into the rocks, he was guaranteed his freedom from this horrid life. With his arms still extended out so he was hanging over the water, he let one had go so all that was keeping him from falling forward was his single hand. He realized that he leaned even further forward once the support from the one hand left. All that was left was one more hand.
He was ready.
"Jyushimatsu! Don't!"
OoOoOoO
"Where could he be?!" Karamatsu exclaimed, his hands flopping down to his sides. "It's nearly one in the morning! He surely has to be here!" His voice was tinted with a mild bit of worry and was based heavily with worry. They had all called Jyushimatsu's cell phone too much for them to not worry. He hadn't answered a single time. And the brothers were growing more and more scared with each second that passed, even Ichimatsu.
"Think...where else haven't we gone that he could be?" Ichimatsu asked, trying to keep his head. "We've gone by Chibita's, by the ball park, into the casino, and all of the bars we know of. Where haven't we gone that he could be?"
Karamatsu sighed and looked around their surroundings before kicking a stone away from his foot. Out of all of the areas in Japan that Jyushimatsu could be, where was he now? He just wished that he and Jyushimatsu were still together, searching for his Karamatsu girls at the... "The bridge!" Karamatsu exclaimed. "My bridge! He likes to stand there with me to help me find my Karamatsu girls! Maybe he's there!" Perhaps he sounded a bit too ecstatic, but to be honest, Karamatsu was starting to allow panic and fear to grip at his heart rather than logic and reason. In short, he was far from calm.
Ichimatsu, who was usually more likely to call Karamatsu dumb and painful made no comment and took Karamatsu's idea as an opportunity for finding their missing little brother. And so the two carried on their search to Karamatsu's beloved bridge.
Karamatsu's sunglasses were off of his face and in the pockets of his hoodie. His hands were slipped into the pockets as he fondled with the glasses that he thought made him look cooler than what he really was. They were a way to hide his insecurities. But right now, there was no way that he could hide his impending fear that something horrible had happened to his younger brother.
And Ichimatsu was no better. His stance was the same, aside from his eyes being a bit wider open than normal, but he was gripped by the throat with fear. This wasn't like Jyushimatsu. He was never outside for this long, and he definitely wasn't out here for this long without sending some assortment of call home explaining why he was out. This had 'bad' written all over it. Their failed attempts at speaking with Chibita, Totoko, Iyami, Hata-bou, Dayon, and Dekapan were all red flags. All of the extremely sleepy residents who they had awoken to ask about their missing brother had all given the same response.
"I haven't seen him."
Those simple words right now were enough to make his and Karamatsu's skin crawl with anxiety. They had called back home to Osomatsu, and the other two to see if Jyushimatsu had ever arrived home, but the calls were all answered with negative responses.
The anxiety was gnawing its way through Ichimatsu's stomach.
"Get down!" Karamatsu whisper yelled as he ducked Ichimatsu down into a bush. Ichimatsu let out a small yelp of surprise and slight agitation of his arm being yanked.
"What the fu-"
"Shhhh." Karamatsu urged as he pointed towards the bridge. Ichimatsu, in turn, looked to the bridge, eyes widening even more when he realized that Jyushimatsu was standing on the ledge on the outside of the railing, sleeve covered hands gripping the railing behind him. He felt his heart beat start to slow down and his skin begin to freeze to icy cold until his blood stream completely froze to still. He wanted to scream as he watched Jyushimatsu lean forward, hands still gripping the railing.
He felt faint. "What the fuck do we do?!" Ichimatsu whisper yelled, horrified for his brother's life and mentality.
"Wait." Karamatsu demanded in their forced whisper state.
And so they did as they watched on the edge of their seats, staring at their dangling brother.
But once that one hand let go, Ichimatsu couldn't stand to just watch anymore.
"Jyushimatsu! Don't!" He screamed as he ran to his now startled little brother. Jyushimatsu went to let his other hand go, but Ichimatsu had his arms around Jyushimatsu's waist already.
"Ichimatsu-niisan? Let me go! Let me go! Let me die!" He screamed as he began to scream and kick while flailing his arms around. Thankfully for Ichimatsu, Karamatsu came to help and also gripped onto Jyushimatsu, the two older brothers dragging him onto the safe cement of the sidewalk. "Let me go!" He screamed, attempting to stand back up the moment he was set on the cement so that he could run to the railing and jump off.
But Ichimatsu and Karamatsu were too strong for Jyushimatsu to escape from the both of them. If it had just been Ichimatsu or Karamatsu, Jyushimatsu would have been able to escape without a problem. But both of them holding him back together did not hold promising outcomes as far as Jyushimatsu being able to carry out his plans. "Please!" He pleaded. "I can't take this!"
"Jyushimatsu," Karamatsu wept, holding his brother's head and burying his face in his brother's hair, "my little Jyushimatsu, please calm down. You're safe. Please, Jyushimatsu."
Ichimatsu was taken aback by his brother's actions. The only other time he had seen this type of behavior was from himself when he had his "episodes". "Please, Jyushimatsu, please! We love you!" He felt something hot and wet fall down his cheeks. He didn't need to feel the substance he knew that he was crying. He was scared. One of his two little brothers...broken...scarred...scared. It was heart wrenching.
"Please," Jyushimatsu pleaded once more, his pleads growing weaker, "please, let me die."
Only one word escaped from Ichimatsu's lips. "No."
It took Jyushimatsu another hour to calm down before falling asleep in his brothers' arms. Karamatsu pulled out his cell phone, contacting the others and telling them to bring the car around to the bridge to pick them up, telling them of the incident.
Before that night, Ichimatsu thought that Jyushimatsu was fine. There was nothing wrong with the energetic ball of sunshine. He was happy and healthy.
But that night, he realized the horrifying truth.
That his best friend was broken, and he didn't even know for how long.