A/N: The night before the episode 'Coda'. A certain Vulcan performs some poetry and reminds us why Vulcans are better at the practical side of activities. The following chapters will reflect a few episodes, and a few pranks pulled during these talent nights.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek (unfortunately, and no matter how many times I ask for it from Santa)
Neelix toddled on stage, elated and excited. "Well I'm certain I speak for everyone when I say that was a fantastic rendition of what you Alpha quadrant dwellers call 'ballet', by captain Janeway herself! I've never seen it before but let's give her a wild round of applause!" Neelix looked at the flustered captain sitting again beside Chakotay (as usual, no less) he noted and she waved away the applause. "Thank you, Neelix." She said quietly and smiled at the floor. "I hope you'll forgive me, I'm a bit rusty. Haven't performed that dance since…" She laughed and shrugged.
"Stardate one zero one zero?" Tom Paris offered from behind her.
The captain turned slowly and pointedly stared. Tom tugged his collar. A hushed silence went over the room. "I hope you aren't implying anything about my age," Janeway said and began to laugh. The rest of the room joined in and Tom Paris exhaled a breath of relief.
Truthfully and honestly it was the best, least stressful and funniest night in months. Months. Everyone needed this. And they were enjoying it too. So far, Harry had played on his clarinet, Janeway had performed ballet, the doctor sang (in sickbay—he went on the comm. system and got offended when he thought people didn't clap 'loud enough') and Tom did magic tricks.
Neelix grinned. "Now, I didn't think I'd get to say this, but… It is my most joyous pleasure to introduce to you, my fellow crew members… Mister Tuvok Vulcan, reciting some original Vulcan poetry, what a treat!" Neelix looked expectantly at the crowd for applause but most people seemed to be horrified.
Neelix frowned. "Oh, come now! This isn't very sporting of you all! Mister Vulcan wrote this poetry. He's been very supportive of all the acts so far, I saw him clap," momentarily, under orders from the captain, "so let's give a big hand to misteeer Vulcan!"
The crowd, Neelix felt, only clapped because he had shamed them into it. There seemed to be a growing sense of fear that Tuvok really would read poetry.
Did Vulcan poetry make heads explode? Neelix thought about mind-melds and nerve pinches and general Vulcan stoniness. He knew of several alien races that could inflict physical damage with sound waves, even verbal communication.
Neelix gulped and sat in front of Kes, just ever so slightly, to protect her from exploding.
Now that just sounds silly! Neelix thought to himself. There is no way that's possibly true!
Right?
Tuvok stood forward and Neelix began to sweat under the threat of exploding. It wasn't on his list of 'fun things to do' today… or any day.
Tuvok turned, faced the crowd and took a deep breath.
"On a star ship there are many things to do.
One must think about these things and make sure they are done right.
This is a logical course of action."
Neelix looked around and no one had exploded yet.
"When I awake, exactly fifty minutes before my next duty shift
I spend ten minutes getting dressed and polishing my Starfleet issue shoes.
I spend exactly five minutes and twenty seconds in the sonic shower.
I spend five minutes performing general hygiene routines."
Neelix was perplexed. There was no fluidity of words, no romantic notions, no emotions. It was so typically… Vulcan.
"I spend ten minutes tidying my quarters and gathering essential PADDs.
In the hall I spend two point six minutes approximately to get to the mess hall where I consume my breakfast.
Breakfast takes eight to thirteen minutes, depending on how edible the food is on the day.
I read my PADDs overlapping breakfast and for a further fifteen minutes.
I arrive at the bridge and am on time.
"At the start of the day on the bridge I perform maintenance scans of the vital systems, deflector array and sensor readings.
I wait for the mandatory eight point four minutes…"
Neelix let his jaw drop and just shook his head. It continued like that for possibly ten minutes. By the end, he felt so bored it was like agony. He just stared and stared for the remainder of the Vulcan's poetry recital. He hardly recognised when Tuvok said "Thank you. That will suffice for now."
Neelix frowned momentarily and then got up. He felt stiff in his joints. Tuvok left the stage and Neelix nodded. "Well I… yes I… Well…" he couldn't even say it was interesting. "Very… very… logical, mister Vulcan! Great! It's uh… very, very logical. Big round of applause for mister Tuvok!" He grinned and as he turned away he shook his head. One thing was clear;
Tuvok was most certainly not invited to the next talent show.