Harry Potter Abridged
By: Jason Tandro
There once was a boy with a scar
whose adventures are known wide and far
I'll now take seven tomes
and condense to a poem
made of limericks that are subpar.
Chapter 1: The Philosopher's Poem
At the start He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
was the subject of dubious fame
his foes ne'er stayed alive
but one boy who survived
our hero, Harry Potter his name.
The Dark Lord killed his Mum and his Pa
with the old Avada Kedavra
but what truly was sick
he went for a hat trick
it backfired, a most mortal flaw.
To his in-laws the boy was delivered
there he stayed 'til a letter-formed blizzard
despite Uncle defiant
this Hagrid, half-giant,
said "Harry, my boy, you're a wizard."
So, to Hogwarts a school where the spells
are broken up by scheduling bells
(though merry and gay
it's why some Christians say
that the readers are going to Hell)
As for classmates Harry has a lot
most of whom are crucial to the plot
like Ron and Hermione
one brainy, one whiny
and Draco, the villainous snot.
Headmaster Dumbledore's a treat
and his faculty's really quite neat
then there's Snape who's sour
he couldn't deflower
Harry's mom (talk about witch's teat)
While practicing broom-straddled flotation
Harry learned sports to be his true station
where bludgers in each bout
try to knock them all out
do they bother with health regulations?
His first round ends in smashing success
though his broom was a sabotaged mess
and Hermione could see
(could this actually be)
to kill Harry, Snape's trying his best.
The main plot point keeps mystical tone
for it's called the Philosopher's Stone
(well, except over here
they must figure, I fear
to us Yanks the concept's not well known)
The stone is hidden in a void,
where protection and traps are deployed,
like a giant chess game,
keys that all look the same,
and a three-headed doggy on steroids.
In his time sneaking 'round out of bed,
he finds Mirror of Erised
sees his folks through its power
and stays there for hours
'til Dumby says "It's all in your head."
After detention late one night
Harry suffers a terrible fright
and then he recalls
Snape wants him to fall
and must be behind this awful plight
So, into the dungeons they dive
with Ron whining that they'll lose their lives
and this all seems wrong,
if the traps were so strong
how the hell did three first-years survive?
The true villain- turns out- we're surprised
in a twist that's a little contrived
a stuttering squirrel
whose surname is Quirrel
and through whom You-Know-Who survived.
When Quirrel gave the poor boy a shove
for the Stone he sought to get hold of
in the ending we see
(let's all say it with me)
Voldy's beat by the power of love.
So, the school year ended at this time
(boy we're really reaching for these rhymes)
As they went down the track
Hagrid kindly called back
"Don't worry, you'll return six more times!"