ME 3 What I Didn't Know I Wanted
Shepard stood there, shaking and hurt. The physical pain was so pervasive now that she almost couldn't feel it anymore.
The catalyst stood silently beside her waiting for her to make a choice. She was so tired now that her initial fury at the thing taking the appearance of the little boy that had haunted her dreams was mostly gone. She just felt numb. Physically, emotionally and spiritually numb.
She took a step, a lurch more than anything else. She had to make a choice. She forced her other foot forward. She realized that she didn't feel any pain, or she was consumed by it. Either way it was disconnected from her and she took another step.
Why did she have to make the decision? She felt a brief moment of despair, but then that faded into numbness, too. Just one more choice and then it would be done. Finally done. She continued to shamble down the walkway. No pain, just numbness and she was thankful for it. She felt a flicker of fear at that thought, but it, too, faded away.
She cantered toward the right and started up the slight incline, steps hesitant and shuffling. Her breath was coming in shallow, quick gasps that she thought must hurt, but the pain was distant. She kept her gaze on the console so very far in front of her and continued to put one foot in front of the other.
This was her choice. But it wasn't a choice, not really. There had always only been one goal and she slowly staggered toward it. Destroy the Reapers, stop their cycle. That was all that mattered. An ember of sadness sat in the pit of her stomach at the collateral damage this would cause to the Geth – to EDI, but it faded. Faded and joined all the rest of the numbness.
A tear fell from her eye as she raised a gun she hadn't realized she'd still been holding. Out of the ball of numbness a feeling engulfed her like a nuclear blast. Regret. Bitter and strong. The suddenness actually made her stumble, but she kept shuffling forward.
In an instant she remembered everything she'd experienced in life. Mindoir, basic training, assignments, teammates, Anderson, the Normandy, her crew…her friends. All the losses and hardships fell through her mind and into the ball of numbness.
Another tear fell as one tenuous feeling hovered just outside her grasp. A sob accompanied her first shot into the console so very far in front of her. Something tapped at her mind, formless and unnamed. She had never allowed it to get that far, buried so deep she didn't know it existed. She tried to keep it there, she didn't want to acknowledge it now. Not now, at the end, when it no longer mattered.
Another shot, another sob, more tears as the unknown mist started to engulf her. Regret, painful and all encompassing washed over her. She took another shot as she cried. She would finish this; her duty. This would be the end of her and she knew it. The catalyst had said it, but she'd already known that she would not survive this choice.
She had told herself that she was at peace with that fact. As long as the galaxy – sentient life – continued, then her death was worth it. She still believed that and took another step forward.
The mist – the regret – took shape and form. It was the unconscious hope she'd had for her future. Before Mindoir and throughout her days since this hidden desire had been there and she'd never known it.
She made herself move faster, spurred on by the pain of realization and yearning. For what she didn't know she wanted and now would never have. She fired and fired and fired as she began a staggering run at the console.
A family, a child – love – a life beyond duty. The image of Kaidan's face at their dinner, when she told him they should just be friends, made her cry out as she continued forward. She had wanted it so badly she had never allowed herself to actually picture it…until now.
The console started to spark, glowing with energy as it began to fail. She kept firing and ran faster; sobbing as she went.
Regret for a life she would never get to experience, but also satisfaction. The mist parted as the console flared brighter. She would die doing the right thing and felt satisfaction seep into her.
The console erupted and the force stopped her in her tracks. Regret and satisfaction, she tasted both as she unconsciously raised her arms against the blast. Jeff! The cry was lost to the explosion that engulfed her.
Fini