Toby De Silva has never been certain of anything in his life, this is no secret.
The earliest memory of indecision he can recall is one of his fifth birthday party. His mother had gone to great lengths arranging it and the only thing needed of young Toby is a decision on the theme; clowns or cowboys and Indians?
Toby has since been afraid of clowns.
- (His mother lavishes much wanted attention on him when his birthday finally arrives and all he wants is her to be home, to stay and play with him but 'Mummy has to work. You'll understand when you're older' Toby's older now (nearly twenty years older, in fact) and he still doesn't understand.) -
'She thinks I fancy her,' Toby says and it's all he can do to not laugh out hysterically because that's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard Ruth say to him, and there's been plenty. 'And do you?' Ben asks and if Toby misses the way he takes a nervous swig of beer, looking at him with apprehension (because fuck, he's been waiting so long to ask this question and now that it's out there he's not sure he wants to know the answer) then it's only to be expected because Toby's not sure he even saw anything at all.
They share a cab ('It'll be cheaper,' Toby says once he's finished slurring into the phone, but Toby doesn't think that makes any sense. 'I just want to make sure you get home okay,' Ben replies unconvincingly but Toby thinks that makes perfect sense) and when it comes to a slow stop outside of a dark, desolate building, Toby wonders if it would make any sense to say to Ben, 'I'm that house' so Toby doesn't say anything at all. The meter's ticking, the driver taps his fingers on the wheel and Toby thinks he can actually hear the loud ticking of his watch, but that could be mistaken for the thud-thud-thud pounding inside of his head. Toby's not sure.
'Toby?' Ben asks and he sounds worried and Toby isn't sure of his body's actions anymore, but Ben's been so nice to him. He cares about him beyond the call of duty and Toby wants to show him it's appreciated because he doesn't know how he would have coped without Ben for these past few months. Toby leans in and for a brief second he hesitates but he hopes like fuck Ben doesn't pick up on that because this is what he wants (he thinks; he's not too sure). Toby captures Ben's mouth with his own, running his tongue along the upward turn of Ben's lips and kissing him slowly, gently, a little uncertain. But when Ben kisses back harder and faster it's like dying and being reborn and Toby isn't sure what to make of these feelings.
Toby can't remember how they got there but they're outside of his bedroom and everything is just one big blur and - 'did we even pay the cab fair?' Toby asks before he can even stop himself. Ben laughs, small and warm (just like him, Toby thinks) and Ben whispers, 'yes, I did,' into Toby's ear. He stands on his tiptoes and kisses Toby again, slow and deep and Toby hates himself for enjoying it. Ben's mouth wicked and determined, reassure an awkward mouth as Toby allows Ben to take control. When Ben slips his hand underneath Toby's shirt and rests it on Toby's side so there's more skin contact, Toby pretends he didn't just emit an embarrassing squeak of sorts. With his other hand, Ben reaches behind Toby and opens the bedroom door and Toby isn't sure how far he can go.
Ben touches him in all the right places, caressing him with soothing strokes down the sides of his thighs and biceps and Toby lies there, anxiety weighing him down so heavy it feels like he's suffocating. Ben kisses him, robbing Toby of his final breath with a suave tongue and Toby can feel his heart beating against his ribs like a tribal drum but he wants this so fucking badly now when he feels Ben press an open palm against his crotch and forces a loud gasp from the pit of Toby's stomach. His movements become bold and grow with confidence, he touches Ben everywhere he can; arms, neck, chest, stomach, legs. Toby's both kind of amazed and horrified with how slack his tongue has become under the endorphins, encouraging Ben on and 'fu-fuck, Ben, please. Oh god, please,' and when Toby comes over his own stomach he's never been more certain of anything before in his life.