My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work.

Haunted

I've never given a boyfriend's ex much thought before, I never thought him important, never had any cause to do so. But Aaron's ex... well, that's just it, Jackson can't really be seen as an ex now, can he? They didn't break up, they didn't go their separate ways because they argued constantly or because one of them had cheated on the other, they hadn't suddenly realised they were incompatible. No. They were separated, the relationship came to an end because of his death, and as final as that might seem... it's not nearly so clear cut... at least, I don't think it is.

In quiet times, like now, when I'm all alone with my thoughts, when there's nothing to distract me, I start to think about Jackson, about what made him so special to Aaron, and he was, I know he was. And that fact makes him one hell of a hard act to follow! Not that I want to replace him or anything, I know I never could. I just want to be that special person in Aaron's life now, just like he was then.

Once Jackson's in my head, it's difficult to get rid of him, he lingers on there, becomes a spectral figure that haunts me, just like the pain of losing him haunts Aaron.

And thoughts of him evoke emotions that run the entire spectrum, ranging from indifference to understanding… to outright anger!

How can a man I didn't even know affect me in such a way? I guess the answer to that is simple, it's because I care so much about Aaron, because I love him… and because I'm beginning to think that he won't ever love me, that he won't let himself love me, that he's deliberately holding back.

I know he cares about me, truly cares. I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me, makes love to me. I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch… he just needs to drop his guard, his defenses… so he can open his heart to me. What's stopping him from doing that? Jackson!

Jackson might be gone, but he'll never be forgotten, not that I'd ever want Aaron to forget him. I'm not that selfish, or that insensitive. It's just there are some things about him I wish he could forget, that the only memories he had of him were happy ones.

Aaron went through the worst kind of hell because of what happened, because of what Jackson asked him to do. I can't bear to think of him in such a dark place, of him going through that degree of emotional torment, the ordeal of a murder trial, and then there was the horrifying decent into self-harm. When I start to think about those things, when I think about him hurting like that, anger surges up inside me… and I silently rage at a dead man!

Both wrong and ridiculous, I know, and he's not here to defend himself. Sometimes, I actually wish he was, that I could have just five minutes alone with him, just so I could ask him how he could put Aaron through all that.

I wonder if he realised just how bad things would get for Aaron. When I'm in one of my more charitable moods, I tell myself he didn't, couldn't possible know, and would never have considered it if he did, not if he loved him like Aaron truly believes he did.

When my mood is at its lowest, when the physical scars Aaron bears take centre stage in my mind's eye, I damn Jackson Walsh. Because at those times, I see what he begged Aaron to do as cowardly, as selfish and unforgivable, and I wish him in hell! A suitable fate knowing Aaron would have known the same endless torment if help hadn't been at hand, if his loved ones hadn't been there for him.

I tell myself I would never ask such a thing of Aaron, no matter how tortured my mind was, no matter how much mental pain I had to endure. I'd like to believe that of me, that I had that kind of strength, but then being the way I am, the way I'm made, maybe I, too, would find death the answer, if I was one day faced with the unthinkable.

I've always been into sports, have always loved rugby, watching the game, and the exhilaration of playing is like a drug to me. If that was to ever be taken away from me, if all this energy I possess suddenly had no outlet, if I found myself confined to a wheelchair... what would I do then? Could I live like that? Would I want to go on that way?

I've always been so very independent. I've had to be, I never really had much choice, not the way I was brought up, or should I say dragged up! But that's another story. If my independence was suddenly taken away from me, I'm not sure I would want to live having to depend on someone else for just about everything. And if that wasn't enough to break your spirit, there's knowing your hopes and dreams have been smashed to smithereens too. When those thoughts take precedence, when I start to reason out what happened, that's when I find myself understanding, even sympathizing with Jackson, and like Aaron, I hope he's found the peace he was so desperate for.

But no matter how worked up, how angry I get at Jackson, my feelings always soften towards him in the end, the anger always ebbs and I start to realise that I'm actually indebted to him. A strange thought, I know, but that's how I'm left feeling.

Aaron says he changed his life, helped him accept his sexuality, helped him in so many ways. It seems Jackson helped shape the man he's become. Aaron says I wouldn't like the man he was before, that very few people did. It seems he was a troubled kid, who grew into a troubled teenager. I understand that, I've been there and got the T-shirt. If I hadn't had rugby, if I hadn't had that one positive aspect in my life, I could have so easily gone off the rails too; unlike Aaron, there was no one around who would have cared enough to stop me.

That's why it's so easy for me to move around now, to pack my bags and move from place to place, country to country. That day at the airport, there was no one crying over my leaving, there was no family member hugging me goodbye.

God, now I'm straying into the realms of self-pity! That has to stop, this is not about me, it's about Jackson, no, it's about Aaron… actually, it's about me and Aaron. If there really is a me and him.

Aaron's long since healed physically but not emotionally. He's scared of his feelings, he's scared to love me because of the pain of losing Jackson, because he doesn't want to hurt that way ever again.

I can understand that, once bitten twice shy, as the saying goes. But it's a risk worth taking, isn't it? I'd say it is. I let myself love him knowing I could get hurt, knowing I could lose him, I couldn't help myself, and no matter what happens, I won't ever regret the fact I followed my heart and not my head where he was concerned.

If we all shied away from love, if we all let fear of loss be our master, then where would we be? We'd be living in a loveless world, that's where.

We're going to have to talk, really talk. I need to make him see that he's not the only one who's scared, and that we fear the same thing… losing someone we care deeply about. That fear should be working in our favour, shouldn't it? I think it should, we should be pouring everything we have into the relationship, providing each other with the love we each need, and in my case, crave. Instead, that fear is keeping us apart emotionally. Yes, things are good, great in fact, but they could be even better, they could be as near perfect as is possible if only he'd leave the past where it is and concentrate on where he is and what he has now, what we have now, and what we can have in the future. He's got to conquer his fear; he's got to lay what haunts him to rest.

End