Title: The Chemical Art of Making Biological Things Disappear

Author: W. W. Allerdyce
Pairing: John/Mary, vague Sherlock/Irene (and when I say vague I mean they had a child and that was it) and a healthy dose of femslash :)
Summary: In which Sherlock is [mostly] asexual, John has a girlfriend, and Irene is still naked. And they have a daughter.

Warnings: John is conspicuously absent, Irene is frequently mentioned but rarely named, and lesbians abound. If you do not like homosexuality or view it as some kind of aberration, go fuck yourself with a pogo stick and die. And also don't continue to read this.

'Dad? There's someone who I think you should meet.'

Sherlock glanced up from his laptop, and Rachel was struck by the way the man's pale skin seemed almost ghostly from the bluegreen light of the screen.

'You're twitching, Elena.'
'Yes, Dad.'
'Rachel, I presume?' he was now gazing at his laptop screen again, fingers typing something rapidly.
'Wha-? Never mind. Yeah, Dad, this is Rachel. My girlfriend.'

'She's wearing your trainers, and that bracelet you spent three days slaving over. Your relationship is very much apparent. Your mother knows, I suppose.'

'Wouldn't put it past her,' Elena muttered. 'I swear she's got the house bugged.'
'That's your uncle,' he sounded faintly amused, meaning, Elena reflected, that inside he was laughing his face off.

'Right… Anyway, Dad, have you eaten? I know John hasn't been home since Monday.'
'I ordered Chinese a few days ago, and I had the leftovers the morning after,' he offered. 'John's been out with his girlfriend.'
'Yeah, this one has stayed longer, hasn't she? It's been what, two weeks?' she called from the kitchen, 'Rachel, you can sit down, if you like. Dad won't bite.'

'Quite. He's already talking of marriage. I must say, I am quite impressed. Usually they all run screaming.'

Elena laughed, trudging back into the room with two cups of tea and some juice in her hands. She handed one to her father and the other to Rachel, keeping the juice for herself. 'Mum says that if John finds any woman who can actually stand you, then he should marry her as soon as he can.'

'Your mother is full of hypocrisy,' he retorted. 'She hasn't even had sex in the past two months.'
'Dad! I do not want to hear about my mum's sex life!'
He shrugged. 'I'm surprised you don't know more. She's very candid with me.'
'That's because Mum's always been fascinated with you. I think you're the only one who could keep her entertained.'

Sherlock didn't even bother to deign that with a response, continuing to type on his laptop.

Elena sighed; her attempts to unite her parents always failed. Her mother constantly insisted that she didn't need- or want- anyone to tie her down, and her father seemed to view any kind of relationship that went beyond platonic as beneath him. 'All right Dad, we've got to get going. Alan says he's got something interesting to show us, and we're meeting him by the lake in the park at three.'
'Have fun getting there in half an hour,' he murmured.

'It'll be fine. Alan's always late.'
'Sure. I'll see you in a week, then.'
'Dad, it's Thursday. I'll see you in two days.'
'Mmm. Yes, okay.'

Elena sighed again; always so oblivious. 'Come on Rach, we can go now.'
Elena was already out of the door, her girlfriend close to following her, when;

'Rachel.'

'Yes?' she stopped at the door, turning back to look at him.

His eyes were trained on her steadily, as if he was dissecting and putting her back together in order to see her every thought.
'Just know that I am well versed in the art of chemicals, biology, and also disappearing.'
'Y-yes, sir. I understand, sir.' She felt almost relieved when she saw that by the time she had replied, his concentration was again focused on his work. 'Er- bye then.'
He didn't reply, engrossed in his laptop, though Rachel was slightly terrified to see a tiny smile twitching at the corners of his lips. She ducked out of the doorway, hurrying to her girlfriend who hadn't even noticed that she'd been gone.

Right. Note to self: stay far, far away from Baker Street. Maybe ask to visit her mother instead if Elena wants to see her parents. Rachel shuddered at the thought, but even Irene Adler with all her penchants for nudity and mind games didn't have a thing on Sherlock's sheer intensity.

So. We're trying something new here. We don't really like OCs, actually, I hate them with a passion. They're usually complete shit. But I read a passable Sherlock!daughter fic and I thought, hey, may as well try it, right? Though I think I hate the idea of Sherlock having a daughter- or any kind of family extras who we haven't already seen, i.e. Mycroft and 'Mummy'. They always make Sherlock so OOC, and come on, the idea of Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock being all shmushy and fluffy with a family really isn't feasible. At least not to me. I can see him being protective of those he loves, as in, 'I'm-going-to-rip-you-limb-from-limb-if-you-hurt-them-but-you-won't-even-know-if-I-do', but in a slightly distant, apathetic sort of way, you know? I tried to bring that across here. Don't know if I succeeded. :P x

W. W. Allerdyce