A/N: This one-shot was inspired by Jason Michael Carroll's song Let Me Go. The song has a fairly ambiguous ending but this story doesn't. I may, or may not, expand on this. I don't know because I'm currently focusing most of my energy on Iron Widow Origins. If you're interested in an expansion on this universe, let me know and I'll try to make time. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy.
The assignment in New Mexico hadn't been all that exciting at first. Watching a weird object as people tried to dig it out of the dirt wasn't exactly his dream job. And okay, sure it was an 0-8-4, but this job too closely resembled an archaeological gig than something that required a sniper/spy who was also previously an assassin. Suffice it to say, this was not his usual type of gig.
More often than not, he'd be on the same mission as Natasha, watching her back, but her current mission called for more subtlety. He wasn't even getting any updates currently. He'd consider that strange but Fury had called for a full lockdown on the New Mexico site and that had taken his full attention. Then 'Donald Blake' was really Thor, a maybe alien, definitely prince, with god powers. And Clint is cursing himself for not recognizing the hack job on the DMV that had given Thor the identification of Donald Blake, PhD, because he is suddenly face to face with Darcy Lewis after ten years.
Their mission is mostly over and they are returning Foster's equipment, with a few bugs for security reasons, and he hadn't read any deeper into the mission parameters. He should have. Because Lewis is staring at him with a blank, yet polite smile, almost as if she has no idea who he is.
*flashback*
They were sittin' on his tailgate,
She was lovin' on his roughneck,
She was talkin bout runnin' away,
While he was puffin on a cigarette & just thinkin',
'How am I gonna say goodbye?'
They're sitting on the porch, his rusted Dodge parked half on the gravel of the driveway and half on the grass. The porch swing creaks slightly with every push he gives, wondering how he's going to do this, when Darcy is leaning against him, his arm around her shoulders, as she talks about things he'd never be able to give her.
*end flashback*
"Hey, where is it, iPod thief?" He hears as he comes back to himself. Darcy is no longer looking at him and has made her way over to Coulson as they both survey the placement of equipment. The slight smile on Coulson's face as he side-eyes the woman gives Clint pause.
"Unfortunately, it got lost in transit, Miss Lewis." Coulson replies.
"Uh-huh." Darcy smirks and bumps her shoulder against Coulson's arm. The stoic agent barely moves but the twitch in his crossed arms makes Clint's eyes narrow.
A throat clearing has him tensing before looking to his left and spotting Jane Foster holding out a hand, palm up. Looking at his own hands, he realizes he's clenching one of her notebooks in his fist. He lets go, trying to smooth out the slightly crumpled paper.
Handing it over with a sigh, he ignores her knowing look and heads for the door. He isn't much help this distracted. He honestly never thought he'd see Darcy ever again. And he can't deny that he's happy now, with his wife and two children. He has so much now, that he'd never thought possible.
*flashback*
He said 'girl you got it good here,
You don't need to mess with,
A guy going nowhere,'
She said 'how's about Texas?'
Clint pulls away from Darcy as he flicks his cigarette, the cherry showing the arc of it as it sails across the driveway and lands in the back of his truck. His aim is never off and it pays, but not enough. Not enough for someone like Darcy. She never asks for much, but she lives in a two-story ranch house on over four hundred acres of farm land. And the farm does well. Her dad and brother run the place, hiring ranch hands during certain parts of the year to help with the animals and/or crops. That's how Clint met Darcy. He'd rolled into town with the circus, but an argument with his boss had led to him seeing a Help Wanted sign for a ranch hand. Long story short, he's been here six months and things between him and Darcy had happened fast. She'd come home on break from school two weeks after he'd started work, and he doesn't think he's ever met someone quite like her. Loud, opinionated, and she's definitely going to be someone on day.
So, he'd taken what he could get, knowing it wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't last. He'd never do that to her. She has an undergraduate degree in History, another in Political Science and is thinking of getting a Master's in either Law or Political Science.
Clint's a high school drop-out with good aim.
"What about…Arizona?" She asks him and he shakes his head as he stands up, walking down the porch steps. "Texas?"
"Darcy." He says, voice trying to be firm and no-nonsense. "You can't do that."
*end flashback*
Stepping into the hot New Mexico desert, he walks away from the used dealership/science lab and away from the other Shield agents. Which left him with only the desert as company. He's okay with that as he lets the sun beat down on him relentlessly, his black uniform only attracting more heat. That's okay, too.
He knows he's getting strange looks from his co-workers, but he can't bring himself to care about that. Not right now. After about ten minutes of baking in the sun, he lets his eyes drift over the landscape. He can admit that the desert is a pretty place. The flat land offered a view that was seemingly endless, though he knows that's just an illusion. Or maybe wishful thinking because he's walked pretty far away from the lab and the Shield agents around it. He quickly finds himself wondering how far he could get if he just kept walking. Probably not far.
When he hears the sound of a familiar laugh, he wishes that he'd taken the opportunity to find out. Instead, he takes a deep breath of the dry air and turns around to see which junior agent he currently hates. And isn't that an unfair feeling. He hates his co-worker, who he hasn't laid eyes on yet, because they've made a woman laugh that he hasn't seen in a decade.
His sharp gaze lands on Coulson standing near the end of his car facing Darcy. The senior agent's arms are crossed but Darcy has a grin on her face and is gesturing wildly. Clint did not expect to see an actual, full smile form on Coulson's face but it happens and he's left with the feeling that he wants to hate his handler but can't. He can't hate the man that has given him a new chance at life.
He can't hate the man that had found him in a holding cell, ten months after the last time he'd seen Darcy, and offered him a life instead of a prison cell. His stomach rolls uncomfortably when he sees Darcy reach out and place a friendly hand on Coulson's forearm. She can obviously make her own life decisions seeing as she's in the New Mexico desert and has met (and tased) and alien/god/prince. And maybe they aren't the best life decisions but he can't stop her from making them. He doesn't have that right. Not after the way he'd left things.
*flashback*
He got up and shook his head,
Then said 'Ain't ya been listenin',
It's never gonna work out,
And I think it'd be a good time now,
To let me go,
You don't need me baby,
Stop holdin' on the way you are,
Don't you know?
I'm no good for you,
And it'll only break your heart,
If you don't let me go'
Standing up herself, he can see the resolve in Darcy's eyes as she starts towards the porch steps, intent on following him.
"Why not?" She asks him, her voice no louder but definitely firmer. "It's my life."
"And you can't ruin it for someone like me. What could I give you?" He fights not to yell, even though her parents and brother aren't home. "You're smart, Darcy, smarter than this. Shit, you're only nineteen and you've already got two degrees."
"What does that have to do with anything?" She throws back at him. "I can go to school anywhere, any time."
"Not if you're with me." He tells her and he feels his eyes burning but he won't cry because then he'll give in. And he can't do that to her. He can't. She deserves better. So much better than a drifter with good aim who has a record for robbery and assault.
"We're together now, and I'm still going to school." She says, her eyes uncomprehending.
"No, you're not." He reminds her. "You decided to take a year off, remember? And if that doesn't show it, I don't know what will."
"I took a year off because I needed to."
"But you didn't need to until you met me!" He cries out, finally letting his voice raise because he can't stop himself. "And if I stay, you won't go back! I know, Darcy. You're just too young and naïve to see it."
When the hurt shows in her eyes, he wants to hug her but he can't. If he does, he won't leave. Or worse, he'll take her with him. Either way, she'll never reach her full potential. He's listened to her, night after night, talk about the changes she wants to see in the world. And if anyone can do it, he knows it'll be Darcy Lewis.
*end flashback*
Shoving the memories away, he slowly makes his way towards one of the Shield SUVs. Hearing a phone ring snaps his head up and he scans the area, surprised when it's Darcy's phone. Looking at Coulson, he sees the man give Darcy a half-exasperated, half-amused look as she slides the device out of her back pocket and looks at the screen. They were supposed to have all electronic devices under their control, but somehow, they'd missed a phone.
"Hello?" She answers as she holds a finger up to Coulson with a smile. He nods and Clint's hands clench into fists. Then he notices Darcy's gaze soften as whoever is on the other end of the line speaks and his eyes narrow because he knows that look she gets. And if she's on the phone with a boyfriend or girlfriend, why is she here flirting with Coulson?
"Agent Barton." He hears his name called and looks over to see Coulson regarding him with one brow raised. "Is there a problem I should be aware of?"
Before he could think of a suitable reply his attention was pulled back to Darcy.
"No, you cannot speak to him." There's a laugh in her voice. "Eddie, you will not come down here."
"Miss Lewis," Coulson calls out to her and Clint is glad that he didn't use her first name but there's a sneaking suspicion in the back of his mind that it was very deliberate, he just doesn't know why. "May I?"
"Have fun." Darcy tells him as she hands over a sleek device. And he's not sure where she got such a high-tech phone, but Coulson barely gives it a second glance before pressing the device to his ear and walking away. Clint watches him go, hoping Darcy will follow. No luck.
"Hi, Clint." She says in a low, soft voice.
"I wasn't sure you recognized me." Is the first thing out of his mouth and he regrets letting her see that weakness, that bitterness. He doesn't want her to know that he'd been paying that much attention to her in the lab. He doesn't want her to know it hurt.
"How could I not?" She asks him, a huff of laughter following the words. "How are you?"
"I'm great." He bites out, still watching Coulson talk on the phone. "Never expected to see you in a place like this."
"Yeah, well," she replies with a bit more bite in her voice in response to his tone. "That's what I get for trying to complete my master's degree. Gods, fire breathing robots, and super shady, covert government operatives."
His gaze snaps to hers when she mentions her degree and he immediately notices the defiant tilt to her chin. Her blue eyes are daring him to say the wrong thing.
"What'd you decide on?" He asks her because it's been ten years and she was just now finishing her degree. He wants to ask what happened but he can't. He lost that right so long ago. Now, he'll never get it back. He has a family of his own and that automatically forfeited his right to know anything about Darcy's future.
"I doubled up. Law and Political Science." She tells him. "Of course, that was after taking another year off."
"Another year?" He can't help but ask because, even though she's taunting him with the information, she's still giving it.
"Yeah. After you left, I needed some time. So, I decided to travel. I had five months left of the year I'd already taken but it didn't feel like enough so I took another. Saw the world while I got my shit together and decided on a future. Just in time, too."
But he doesn't get to ask what that means because then Coulson is back and handing her phone over to her.
"Eddie would like a word." His handler says and Clint wonders about the emphasis on the name but Darcy just smirks with a 'told you' before pressing the phone to her ear and stepping away. And he'd really like to know what she 'told' Coulson but he can't ask.
*flashback*
He said 'other than a dreamer, I ain't nothing but a drifter,
You could do a lot better',
He leaned over and he kissed her,
He said 'you got another year of college,
And a good momma and a daddy,
And me I got 93 dollars and this old '82 Chevy,
So let me go,
You don't need me baby,
Stop holdin' on the way you are,
Don't you know?
I'm no good for you,
And it'll only break your heart,
If you don't let me go'
"Look, Darce," he starts, unsure where to go with this. "I have nothing to give you."
"I don't need you to give me anything." She tells him, stepping close and gripping the front of his t-shirt. "I can take care of myself. I just need you to be there."
Clint can't resist, can't stop himself as he leans forward and presses a kiss to her full lips, her upturned face inviting him in.
"You're gonna get hurt." He tells her.
"That's life." The conviction is strong in her voice. "People get hurt. Let me be the one to decide if it's worth it, and how."
"That's not how it works. You can't decide what hurts you, when it hurts you, how it hurts you."
"That isn't what I meant and you know it, Clint. But it is my decision if I'm willing. You don't get to decide if something is worth it to me."
"I get to decide if I want to be worth it, though. I get to decide if I'm going to stick around to hurt you."
The meaning behind his words is clear but Darcy steps back and shakes her head. This isn't how he wanted this conversation to go. He'd wanted this to be easy and clear. A clean break. Not this mess it's turning in to.
*end flashback*
"I know there's a history there." Coulson says and Clint snaps his attention back to the man, noticing that most of the Shield agents have cleared out of the area. "If that's going to interfere with your future work on this mission, I need to know."
"Like you said, it's history." Clint tells him, absentmindedly rubbing his wrist guard.
He hears Coulson sigh and when he looks at the man again, Coulson has that same brow raised as before and he gives Clint a pointed look before glancing down at the wrist guard. There's a small patch of skin on the inside of his wrist, about an inch in height and two inches wide. White ink in the shape of D.L. He'd gotten it the night before Coulson first found him.
No one that knows it's there has ever asked, not even Natasha, and he's never said. But obviously, with this situation, Coulson was bound to find out. Clint doesn't know if his handler knows about the small two-by-three picture Clint carries in a hidden pocket of his right boot. He doesn't think anyone knows about that and he will keep it that way as long as he can.
*flashback*
She said 'nice try,
But you can't hide behind those shades there on your face,
See I don't think you're all that tough,
I just think you're scared of love,
And I think I won't take up that much space,
So let me go,
Take me with ya baby,
It's so cold outside your arms,
And we both know that you're not as strong,
As you think you are,
So let me go, take me with ya baby,
I'm alone where you are,
We both know I'm so good for you,
And it'll only break ya heart,
Down the road if you don't let me go...
With ya baby Let me go'
"I understand that you're scared, Clint. Me, too." Darcy says as she reaches for him again. He steps back out of reach because if she touches him again he will give in and he can't. He has to end this.
"I'm not scared, Darcy." He tells her. "I just know the end result. I've seen it play out too many times to not know the consequences."
"Clint, please." Her voice shakes slightly, even as she clenches her jaw and blinks away the wetness gathering in her eyes. "I don't want to do this without you."
"Well," He replies as he turns away and starts towards his truck. He knows now that there's only one way to end this. And it hurts so badly. He lets one tear slip out as he opens the driver's door and gets in. "You're gonna have to."
He cranks the truck up as Darcy stands there in the gravel drive, her brow furrowed as she clenches her jaw so tight he can see the muscle pulse. A tear slides down each of her cheeks as he puts the truck into gear and pulls away. He doesn't let her see that his tears are falling, too.
*end flashback*
As Darcy comes over to them again, Clint can't stand it anymore. He can't stand the memories, or how she looks the same but different. He can't stand that he has no right to feel what he's feeling. And he can't stand the guilt he feels. For leaving her the way he did. For having these feelings when Laura is at home waiting for him.
His kids are expecting him to be home in almost two weeks. And he finds himself wishing Darcy would ask him to stay, one more time. He doesn't know what his answer would be, if it would be the same as it was ten years ago, or if he'd stay. He doesn't know.
He just wants her to ask.
She doesn't speak up as he walks away, and he doesn't turn around. This isn't like the last time. This is so much worse.