AN: I'm addicted. I'm sorry, but I'm addicted to writing these. I'll
probably do a bunch more of 'em, with or without the reviews, but reviews
are nice! And thanks to all those who did review for 'At My Fingertips',
you make a girl feel real special ya know?
Warning: Like the last time, it's girl/girl stuff, don't like, don't read.
"Gimme one more." my words sounded slurred, even to me.
"Tif, I know you've got an amazing capacity for alcohol, but I think you're drunk. You don't need one more."
"Yes. I. Do. Give me one more!"
I slammed the empty beer bottle on the bar counter, my own bar counter. Drinking on the job is something I can't tolerate in my employees but seem to fall into habit of doing all the time myself.
"Alright..."
The young man behind the counter handed me another beer from my own stock and I chugged it. I don't care if I'm so drunk that I can't see straight. As long as I'm still conscious, still haunted by her, I will continue to drink.
"Tifa..."
I could feel the hand on my shoulder, I could feel the hand pulling the beer out of my hand. I snapped. Whipping around, I punched whoever it was right in the gut. Except, I didn't really hit their gut. In fact, I didn't hit anything at all.
"Tifa?"
The man behind the counter, I was so drunk I couldn't remember his damn name, looked at me with a weird look on his face.
"Are you ok? Why are you punching air?"
Punching air? What? But then, I heard that voice again.
"Tifa... Stop..."
No. No! Damn it, have to get drunk. I have to knock myself out. Damn it!
"Tifa... I know you can hear me... Stop..."
DAMN IT!!
"Gimme another beer. NOW!!"
I chugged the rest of the beer in my hand and stuck my hand out resolutely for another one. But I let my hand drop.
"What?"
He'd disappeared. In fact, my entire bar had disappeared. I was still sitting on my stool, but the stool was... I don't know where it was, it was just... Floating. Floating in the middle of nowhere. I swivelled my head to look around. Shouldn't have done that. I ended up on the 'floor', nauseous.
"Tifa, you shouldn't have done that."
At first, I thought it was my conscience talking to me. Brilliant.
"Shut up, I don't need you to tell me."
"Oh, really?"
Ok. My head didn't usually give me attitude like that. It shuts up when I tell it to shut up.
"Tifa, get up."
Hey, wait a minute. That isn't my head, that's someone else!
"Huh?"
The alcohol was getting to me. I couldn't even think straight anymore. The world was spinning round and round now, and I desperately wanted it to stop. I felt like my stomach was in my mouth. Technically, it kind of was. I ended up with a pool of puke lying right beside my face.
"Ew." was all I managed to croak.
I felt a pair of hands, small hands, slip underneath my arms and struggle to hoist me up onto my feet. Didn't really work. I was like a limp rag doll, it was all I could do to hold the puke rising up into my mouth to stay down.
"C'mon Tif, get up!"
That voice... Sounds so familiar...
"Tifa, GET UP!"
If I had the strength and sobriety, I would have scoffed. No amount of yelling could get me up now. The person behind me with the small hands hauled on me again, and this time managed to get me up half way to my feet before having to drop me. I grinned to myself, finding the struggling rather amusing, and lost consciousness.
xxxxxxxxxx
The first thing I felt when I finally regained consciousness was the sensation of fingers gently brushing my bangs to the side. It felt oddly comforting. Next was a very, very familiar voice murmuring something that I couldn't quite catch. I also recognized the faint, flowery scent in the air, but couldn't quite place it. Everything seemed so familiar though...
"...Tifa..."
I could finally make out one word. My name. Well, it was a start.
"Mmmm... Huh?"
That would be me.
Giggling. Giggling that was so familiar it was beginning to bug me.
"Oh Tifa, it's time to wake up now." said the familiar person in a singsong voice.
And suddenly, it clicked. I gasped, my eyes flew open, and I stared into her face.
"No!"
She giggled again, holding up a hand daintily in front of her mouth as she did so. My mind was reeling.
"No no no no no no no no no no no no..."
I guess I must have really looked horrified, because she stopped giggling and gazed down at me, worried.
"Tifa, what's wrong?"
I tried to sit up and found that I couldn't. Not because I was restrained, but because I was nauseous. I flopped back down, and found that my head was resting on her lap as she kneeled on the ground. A ground covered in flowers. Petals floated by lazily as a gentle breeze caressed my face. I stared into those familiar emerald eyes and instantly relaxed. Her eyes had a way of doing that to me.
"Tifa?"
It was a weird sense of detached euphoria that caused me to grin up lazily at her. She smiled back before giggling behind her hand again. I joined in, though I was chuckling rather openly instead of being nice and ladylike like her. Of course, I was a fighter and she was an angel, our different ways of laughing fit us. I was relaxed, no longer struggling to get up, but at the back of my head, there was something nagging me. I shouldn't be relaxed. I should be struggling. I should be getting out of here, not lying down with my head on her lap, laughing. But to be honest, completely honest, I wanted to stay here. I knew I was dreaming, because this just couldn't be real, but I didn't want to wake up. Ever. I stopped laughing and smiled up at her.
"I'm so glad to see you... Aeris."
She smiled down at me, eyes twinkling.
"Me too. Though I'd be even gladder if I wasn't seeing you because you were getting drunk. Again."
With those words, her smile turned into a frown, and she gazed down at me with a rather severe look. I winced, and opened my mouth to start explaining, but she placed a small finger daintily on my lips and shook her head. I stopped trying to talk, and watched as she leaned down and gently kissed my forehead.
"I know. I know Tifa, I know."
And suddenly, all those months' worth of sorrow welled up. Tears, however unwelcome, sprang into my eyes, and I blinked again and again to clear them. I sniffed involuntarily, and I felt a teardrop on my cheek, but it wasn't mine. Through the hazy veil of tears, I saw Aeris, crying. A crystalline teardrop trailed down her cheek and clung desperately onto her chin, before finally losing the battle and falling down onto my cheek. Slowly, I raised a hand and moved to wipe a tear that was trailing down her cheek, but Aeris grabbed it midway and held it to her heart. With each beat that I could feel underneath the palm of my hand, a wave of sorrow travelled into my hand, down my arm, straight into my heart. I could feel Aeris' sorrow, and the tears I had so desperately tried to hold back fell.
There were no need for words. I could see her thoughts as clearly as if they were my own. She'd left because she had to, and she was sorry for it, sorry for leaving me behind. She had wanted me to continue with life, possibly find someone else to love, but I hadn't. Instead, I'd stopped. I'd stopped living, I'd stopped breathing, I'd stopped everything. All I ever did was drink. I drank until I was lying on the ground, unconscious, surrounded by my own puke. All I'd wanted to do was forget. I wanted to forget about her, I wanted to forget about all those happy times we had together, I wanted to forget that she ever existed, because then I wouldn't have to deal with her death. I wouldn't have to live life without her, because technically, she would have never existed, she would have never have been in my life in the first place. But instead of forgetting, instead of wiping everything away when I was knocked out, she came back to me. She came back to me when I was at the point where I could forget everything. She was never there when the pain was unbearable and I wanted to die because I missed her so much, she was there when I could finally forget, when I was finally at that stage of drunkenness where she was no longer there, when she could no longer haunt me.
"I know you're in a lot of pain Tifa, but so am I." she whispered, tears still falling onto my face, "I'm no better off than you are. I miss you too, you know that? Everyday, all that I can think of is you. I can't concentrate on anything else. All that goes through my head now is you. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see your face. Everytime I hold up my hand, I can feel your skin on my fingertips, like you're right here with me. Everytime I take a breath, I can smell the scent of your skin. Every waking moment, I can hear your voice Tifa. I can hear you whispering in my ear that you love me. It's torture Tifa, it's torture! It's like you're right here with me, but I know you're not!"
She had her mouth open to continue, but she couldn't. Instead, all that came out was a wail of sorrow, and it broke my heart to hear it.
"Aeris..."
I sat up. All the sorrow, all the pain in my heart made me forget about my nausea. Back when everything was ok, back when Aeris was still alive, I'd always been the stronger one, the one who's shoulder would get wet more often. Aeris had needed me back then, no matter if it was as little as a paper cut on her finger that needed a kiss, or if she was in grave danger and needed my help, she had needed me. She needed me even more now and I couldn't let her down, I wouldn't let her down.
"Aeris..."
I wrapped my arm around her, and she fell into me. She rested her head on my shoulder, buried her face in my neck, and cried. Sobs shook her entire body, they shook my arm, and with each shake a piece of my heart broke off. She pressed herself closer to me, and I tightened my grip. My own tears were wetting her shoulder, just like hers were mine.
"Aeris, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I finally managed to whisper.
I had never realized she was in pain, all I could think of was my own. All I could focus on was my own pain, how much I missed her. To me, it seemed like she was far better off, it seemed like she was all fine and dandy, and had simply left me behind to mourn over my loss. I'd never thought that she would be mourning over a loss, the loss of me. I cried not for me, but for her.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered again, I just couldn't say it enough times to have it fulfill my meaning, I was just so sorry.
She pulled back from me and we gazed at each other, tears streaming down both our cheeks. She lifted a hand and wiped them from my face while I wiped them from hers, and still we gazed at each other. I wanted to explain myself, to tell Aeris everything, but I didn't, because I knew that somehow, she already knew. There were no words. Just a kiss. It'd been so long since I'd felt those soft, soft lips on mine that I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to kiss her. Almost. It was a kiss that made up for all those months of being apart, a kiss that tried to lessen the sorrow in our souls, a kiss that I will never forget.
When we pulled apart, she was fading, and fading fast. She was floating farther and farther away from me.
"No! No! Aeris!"
My hand was outstretched, holding tight to hers.
"Aeris!"
I knew I was strong, at least, I was supposed to be, but this was just to much. I dropped whatever remaining shred of false bravado I still had in me.
"Aeris! No! Please, no!"
Her hand was slipping out of mine. I was losing her. I was losing her again.
"No. No. Aeris, you can't do this to me, don't leave me, please! Don't leave me! Don't leave me..."
My voice was faltering. Her gaze was apologetic. Tears glistened as they fell. She was so far away, just so far away.
"Aeris..."
"Tifa, I love you, I love you, ok? Remember that Tifa, remember that I love you. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget me."
She sounded so far away, so far away. Tears fell unheeded as I screamed my answer.
"Aeris! I love you! I won't ever, ever forget you Aeris! I love you! Aeris! AERIS!"
She was gone. She was gone. Aeris was gone. I slumped onto the ground, crying. Sobbing. So much pain, it was just too much. I wanted to die, I wanted to die so I could finally be with Aeris again. But I knew I couldn't die, I knew that I just couldn't die, not unless I died of old age. Aeris wanted me to live, so I'd do it. No matter the burden of pain, I will live.
"Aeris..."
The name seemed to give me a little strength. It gave me an unbreakable resolve. I will live, I'll live for Aeris' sake, for Aeris' love.
"Tifa?"
My head snapped up immediately. I was hoping, wishing desperately that the face that I would see would be Aeris.
"Tifa, you alright?"
The young man behind my bar counter. The young man behind my bar counter looked down at me. My hope shattered.
I took a deep breath and got up. My nausea was still there. A pool of puke lay by my side, mingled with tears. Floating in the centre of it was a single flower petal, but the stomach acid began eating it away, and soon, I was simply staring at the puke, where the petal had been moments before.
I climbed back up onto my favourite stool and waited for the young man to get back behind the counter.
"Gimme another one. Another beer."
He looked at me, opened his mouth to protest, thought better of it, and handed over a beer.
I knew Aeris wanted me to live life. I knew she wanted me to stop drinking. But I couldn't. Part of me needed the alcohol to function, the other part took the alcohol because maybe if I passed out again, Aeris would come back to me.
One more. Just one more. One more couldn't hurt.
I love you Aeris.
Warning: Like the last time, it's girl/girl stuff, don't like, don't read.
"Gimme one more." my words sounded slurred, even to me.
"Tif, I know you've got an amazing capacity for alcohol, but I think you're drunk. You don't need one more."
"Yes. I. Do. Give me one more!"
I slammed the empty beer bottle on the bar counter, my own bar counter. Drinking on the job is something I can't tolerate in my employees but seem to fall into habit of doing all the time myself.
"Alright..."
The young man behind the counter handed me another beer from my own stock and I chugged it. I don't care if I'm so drunk that I can't see straight. As long as I'm still conscious, still haunted by her, I will continue to drink.
"Tifa..."
I could feel the hand on my shoulder, I could feel the hand pulling the beer out of my hand. I snapped. Whipping around, I punched whoever it was right in the gut. Except, I didn't really hit their gut. In fact, I didn't hit anything at all.
"Tifa?"
The man behind the counter, I was so drunk I couldn't remember his damn name, looked at me with a weird look on his face.
"Are you ok? Why are you punching air?"
Punching air? What? But then, I heard that voice again.
"Tifa... Stop..."
No. No! Damn it, have to get drunk. I have to knock myself out. Damn it!
"Tifa... I know you can hear me... Stop..."
DAMN IT!!
"Gimme another beer. NOW!!"
I chugged the rest of the beer in my hand and stuck my hand out resolutely for another one. But I let my hand drop.
"What?"
He'd disappeared. In fact, my entire bar had disappeared. I was still sitting on my stool, but the stool was... I don't know where it was, it was just... Floating. Floating in the middle of nowhere. I swivelled my head to look around. Shouldn't have done that. I ended up on the 'floor', nauseous.
"Tifa, you shouldn't have done that."
At first, I thought it was my conscience talking to me. Brilliant.
"Shut up, I don't need you to tell me."
"Oh, really?"
Ok. My head didn't usually give me attitude like that. It shuts up when I tell it to shut up.
"Tifa, get up."
Hey, wait a minute. That isn't my head, that's someone else!
"Huh?"
The alcohol was getting to me. I couldn't even think straight anymore. The world was spinning round and round now, and I desperately wanted it to stop. I felt like my stomach was in my mouth. Technically, it kind of was. I ended up with a pool of puke lying right beside my face.
"Ew." was all I managed to croak.
I felt a pair of hands, small hands, slip underneath my arms and struggle to hoist me up onto my feet. Didn't really work. I was like a limp rag doll, it was all I could do to hold the puke rising up into my mouth to stay down.
"C'mon Tif, get up!"
That voice... Sounds so familiar...
"Tifa, GET UP!"
If I had the strength and sobriety, I would have scoffed. No amount of yelling could get me up now. The person behind me with the small hands hauled on me again, and this time managed to get me up half way to my feet before having to drop me. I grinned to myself, finding the struggling rather amusing, and lost consciousness.
xxxxxxxxxx
The first thing I felt when I finally regained consciousness was the sensation of fingers gently brushing my bangs to the side. It felt oddly comforting. Next was a very, very familiar voice murmuring something that I couldn't quite catch. I also recognized the faint, flowery scent in the air, but couldn't quite place it. Everything seemed so familiar though...
"...Tifa..."
I could finally make out one word. My name. Well, it was a start.
"Mmmm... Huh?"
That would be me.
Giggling. Giggling that was so familiar it was beginning to bug me.
"Oh Tifa, it's time to wake up now." said the familiar person in a singsong voice.
And suddenly, it clicked. I gasped, my eyes flew open, and I stared into her face.
"No!"
She giggled again, holding up a hand daintily in front of her mouth as she did so. My mind was reeling.
"No no no no no no no no no no no no..."
I guess I must have really looked horrified, because she stopped giggling and gazed down at me, worried.
"Tifa, what's wrong?"
I tried to sit up and found that I couldn't. Not because I was restrained, but because I was nauseous. I flopped back down, and found that my head was resting on her lap as she kneeled on the ground. A ground covered in flowers. Petals floated by lazily as a gentle breeze caressed my face. I stared into those familiar emerald eyes and instantly relaxed. Her eyes had a way of doing that to me.
"Tifa?"
It was a weird sense of detached euphoria that caused me to grin up lazily at her. She smiled back before giggling behind her hand again. I joined in, though I was chuckling rather openly instead of being nice and ladylike like her. Of course, I was a fighter and she was an angel, our different ways of laughing fit us. I was relaxed, no longer struggling to get up, but at the back of my head, there was something nagging me. I shouldn't be relaxed. I should be struggling. I should be getting out of here, not lying down with my head on her lap, laughing. But to be honest, completely honest, I wanted to stay here. I knew I was dreaming, because this just couldn't be real, but I didn't want to wake up. Ever. I stopped laughing and smiled up at her.
"I'm so glad to see you... Aeris."
She smiled down at me, eyes twinkling.
"Me too. Though I'd be even gladder if I wasn't seeing you because you were getting drunk. Again."
With those words, her smile turned into a frown, and she gazed down at me with a rather severe look. I winced, and opened my mouth to start explaining, but she placed a small finger daintily on my lips and shook her head. I stopped trying to talk, and watched as she leaned down and gently kissed my forehead.
"I know. I know Tifa, I know."
And suddenly, all those months' worth of sorrow welled up. Tears, however unwelcome, sprang into my eyes, and I blinked again and again to clear them. I sniffed involuntarily, and I felt a teardrop on my cheek, but it wasn't mine. Through the hazy veil of tears, I saw Aeris, crying. A crystalline teardrop trailed down her cheek and clung desperately onto her chin, before finally losing the battle and falling down onto my cheek. Slowly, I raised a hand and moved to wipe a tear that was trailing down her cheek, but Aeris grabbed it midway and held it to her heart. With each beat that I could feel underneath the palm of my hand, a wave of sorrow travelled into my hand, down my arm, straight into my heart. I could feel Aeris' sorrow, and the tears I had so desperately tried to hold back fell.
There were no need for words. I could see her thoughts as clearly as if they were my own. She'd left because she had to, and she was sorry for it, sorry for leaving me behind. She had wanted me to continue with life, possibly find someone else to love, but I hadn't. Instead, I'd stopped. I'd stopped living, I'd stopped breathing, I'd stopped everything. All I ever did was drink. I drank until I was lying on the ground, unconscious, surrounded by my own puke. All I'd wanted to do was forget. I wanted to forget about her, I wanted to forget about all those happy times we had together, I wanted to forget that she ever existed, because then I wouldn't have to deal with her death. I wouldn't have to live life without her, because technically, she would have never existed, she would have never have been in my life in the first place. But instead of forgetting, instead of wiping everything away when I was knocked out, she came back to me. She came back to me when I was at the point where I could forget everything. She was never there when the pain was unbearable and I wanted to die because I missed her so much, she was there when I could finally forget, when I was finally at that stage of drunkenness where she was no longer there, when she could no longer haunt me.
"I know you're in a lot of pain Tifa, but so am I." she whispered, tears still falling onto my face, "I'm no better off than you are. I miss you too, you know that? Everyday, all that I can think of is you. I can't concentrate on anything else. All that goes through my head now is you. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see your face. Everytime I hold up my hand, I can feel your skin on my fingertips, like you're right here with me. Everytime I take a breath, I can smell the scent of your skin. Every waking moment, I can hear your voice Tifa. I can hear you whispering in my ear that you love me. It's torture Tifa, it's torture! It's like you're right here with me, but I know you're not!"
She had her mouth open to continue, but she couldn't. Instead, all that came out was a wail of sorrow, and it broke my heart to hear it.
"Aeris..."
I sat up. All the sorrow, all the pain in my heart made me forget about my nausea. Back when everything was ok, back when Aeris was still alive, I'd always been the stronger one, the one who's shoulder would get wet more often. Aeris had needed me back then, no matter if it was as little as a paper cut on her finger that needed a kiss, or if she was in grave danger and needed my help, she had needed me. She needed me even more now and I couldn't let her down, I wouldn't let her down.
"Aeris..."
I wrapped my arm around her, and she fell into me. She rested her head on my shoulder, buried her face in my neck, and cried. Sobs shook her entire body, they shook my arm, and with each shake a piece of my heart broke off. She pressed herself closer to me, and I tightened my grip. My own tears were wetting her shoulder, just like hers were mine.
"Aeris, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I finally managed to whisper.
I had never realized she was in pain, all I could think of was my own. All I could focus on was my own pain, how much I missed her. To me, it seemed like she was far better off, it seemed like she was all fine and dandy, and had simply left me behind to mourn over my loss. I'd never thought that she would be mourning over a loss, the loss of me. I cried not for me, but for her.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered again, I just couldn't say it enough times to have it fulfill my meaning, I was just so sorry.
She pulled back from me and we gazed at each other, tears streaming down both our cheeks. She lifted a hand and wiped them from my face while I wiped them from hers, and still we gazed at each other. I wanted to explain myself, to tell Aeris everything, but I didn't, because I knew that somehow, she already knew. There were no words. Just a kiss. It'd been so long since I'd felt those soft, soft lips on mine that I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to kiss her. Almost. It was a kiss that made up for all those months of being apart, a kiss that tried to lessen the sorrow in our souls, a kiss that I will never forget.
When we pulled apart, she was fading, and fading fast. She was floating farther and farther away from me.
"No! No! Aeris!"
My hand was outstretched, holding tight to hers.
"Aeris!"
I knew I was strong, at least, I was supposed to be, but this was just to much. I dropped whatever remaining shred of false bravado I still had in me.
"Aeris! No! Please, no!"
Her hand was slipping out of mine. I was losing her. I was losing her again.
"No. No. Aeris, you can't do this to me, don't leave me, please! Don't leave me! Don't leave me..."
My voice was faltering. Her gaze was apologetic. Tears glistened as they fell. She was so far away, just so far away.
"Aeris..."
"Tifa, I love you, I love you, ok? Remember that Tifa, remember that I love you. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget me."
She sounded so far away, so far away. Tears fell unheeded as I screamed my answer.
"Aeris! I love you! I won't ever, ever forget you Aeris! I love you! Aeris! AERIS!"
She was gone. She was gone. Aeris was gone. I slumped onto the ground, crying. Sobbing. So much pain, it was just too much. I wanted to die, I wanted to die so I could finally be with Aeris again. But I knew I couldn't die, I knew that I just couldn't die, not unless I died of old age. Aeris wanted me to live, so I'd do it. No matter the burden of pain, I will live.
"Aeris..."
The name seemed to give me a little strength. It gave me an unbreakable resolve. I will live, I'll live for Aeris' sake, for Aeris' love.
"Tifa?"
My head snapped up immediately. I was hoping, wishing desperately that the face that I would see would be Aeris.
"Tifa, you alright?"
The young man behind my bar counter. The young man behind my bar counter looked down at me. My hope shattered.
I took a deep breath and got up. My nausea was still there. A pool of puke lay by my side, mingled with tears. Floating in the centre of it was a single flower petal, but the stomach acid began eating it away, and soon, I was simply staring at the puke, where the petal had been moments before.
I climbed back up onto my favourite stool and waited for the young man to get back behind the counter.
"Gimme another one. Another beer."
He looked at me, opened his mouth to protest, thought better of it, and handed over a beer.
I knew Aeris wanted me to live life. I knew she wanted me to stop drinking. But I couldn't. Part of me needed the alcohol to function, the other part took the alcohol because maybe if I passed out again, Aeris would come back to me.
One more. Just one more. One more couldn't hurt.
I love you Aeris.