Sick Days
The blonde petite woman almost stumbled out of the elevator on her way in to the 16 th precinct. After waking up several times during the night from coughing fits and a trip to the bathroom to throw up, she was nearly dead on her feet. She knew she was sick, she knew she was coming down with something but she was too proud to actually admit it to herself. She was going to work and that was the end of it.
She wore oversized sunglasses to cover up her tired and bloodshot eyes but knew she had to take them off eventually. Her face was pale and sickly looking. Hopefully no one would ask any questions and, if they did, she would just tell them she had an allergic reaction to something she ate the previous night. Just as she sat down and took her glasses off, keeping her head bent down, Fin commented stright away. Who was she trying to fool? Of course Fin would notice.
"Jesus, you look like crap, Rollins. Rough night?"
Rolling her eyes Amanda turned her computer on and got herself as comfortable as she could in the well worn chair. "Gee, thanks Fin. You don't look so bad yourself." her southern drawl always became stronger when she was angry, grumpy or sarcastic. Her tone changed into a lower key and her broad accent came ringing out.
"You're a ray of sunshine this morning." her partner snickered before his face turned more serious. "Really though, you okay?"
"I'm fine. Must've ate something that didn't agree with me last night." she shrugged and suddenly felt her stomach churn and cramp up. "Excuse me!" she placed a hand over her mouth and ran towards the toilets, almost crashing into Lieutenant Olivia Benson on the way.
"Wow!" the brown haired older woman yelped while trying to keep her balance. "She alright?" she frowned and asked Fin who just shrugged his shoulders.
"Said she ate something last night that didn't agree with her stomach. Hopefully it's not contagious. I hate puking my guts up." he shivered as he thought about it and headed back to his desk.
Amanda heaved into the porcelain seat and felt felt drops of perspiration trickle down her back. The sour smell of vomit reached her nostrils and her stomach turned again, causing another round of violent heaving. "Oh god." she mumbled when she was done and slowly stood up on two shaky legs, bracing herself with her hands against the small cubicle walls. She rinsed her mouth and face and looked in the mirror to study herself. She almost got a freight from what she saw. Looking back at her was a pale, pasty, tired and sickly woman. Never had she looked so bad. The dark circles under her eyes were even more prominent after the exhausting vomiting session and her lips were dry and cracked. She felt awful.
Putting on a brave face she walked confidently back in to the bullpen and headed straight for her desk. She needed to sit down, in order to make the room stop spinning, and she needed to do it quickly. She sighed in relief as she sat down and her surroundings became more clear and focused. Her head snapped up when a glass of water was placed in front of her, causing more embarrassment and she just wanted the ground underneath her to open up and swallow her whole. It was Fin.
"Drink up, Rollins." he demanded gently, crossing his arms over his chest, looking intimidating. "I'm not moving until that glass is empty."
Groaning and rolling her eyes for a second time, she gulped the water down quickly so Fin would leave her alone. Even though she was quite thirsty she still struggled with the cool liquid, feeling her stomach clench as the water settled inside of her. Her head was pounding and so did her ears. Every heartbeat pumped the pain through her body causing her to shut her eyes tightly. Things were not looking good.
"We got a case." Liv announced as she walked out of her office, putting her coat on. "Linkoln hospital, 24 year old gay man was gang raped, beaten and left in an alley. Who's free?"
Even though Amanda was in a painful haze she volunteered to go, thinking if she did and pretend she was fine, then Fin would back off. "I'll go." she rasped out from a now sore throat.
Olivia frowned in slight concern. "You sure Rollins? You look a bit green around the gills. I can take Fin, you know?"
Amanda put her coat on am tried to smile. "Nonsense. I'm fine. I bit of fresh air might do me good."
They walked out of the precinct together and as the door to the main entrance opened, the cold January air wrapped itself around the blonde's body causing her to shiver. "Cold, uh?" Liv questioned as they made their way to their squad car.
"You could say that again." Amanda muttered and wrapped her arms around her middle to keep warm. The wind was bitter, almost piercing and numbing at the same time.
"Cold, uh?" Liv said again with an amusing grin on her face. Amanda just offered her a weak smile, rolled her eyes and sat down in the passanger seat. The brunette turned on the heating on full whack, causing a soothing humming noise to slip through the vents and the temperature rose almost immediately. They drove in silence down the grey busy streets of Manhattan, watching people go by their daily routine, teenage punks hanging around the dodgy dark allies, drunken homeless men and women rummaging through every garbage can they could find and important looking men in suits with portfolios hurrying to their next business meeting. This town had it all.
The heat in the car had gotten to Olivia and she unbuttoned her thick warm coat. Glancing over towards her colleague and friend, she noticed that Amanda had fallen asleep, her head resting against the window, beads of sweat had appeared on her forhead and upper lip and yet she was shivering from cold. Olivia immediately pulled the car over, unbuckled her seatbelt, reached over and took Amanda's face between her hands, feeling the heat oozing from her pores.
"Amanda?" her voice was loud and firm, almost demaning. The blonde just moaned and slowly opened her eyes.
"Wh... what? We there yet?" she croaked, trying to focus on the concered brown eyes looking at her.
To Olivia she sounded like a child who was running out of patience while being stuck in the backseat on a long car journey. Smiling slightly Liv stroked a pasty cheek. "No, sweets," she soothed, "and we're not going to the hospital. I'm taking you home. You're sick, Amanda."
"I'm fine." the blonde tried to wave off Olivia's remark with her hand but it looked more like an involontary spasm and the brunette quickly caught it.
"You're not fine, honey. I'm taking you home and I don't want any arguments. That's an order." she buckled up again, turned the car around and headed in the opposite direction.
"I hate my apartment... it's lonely. I'm lonely." Olivia's heart seemed to be clenching up at those words. She knew that, in a fully aware healthy state, Amanda would never admit that she was having those kind of feelings and thoughts but the high temperature must have taken it's toll on her fever induced mind.
Olivia looked over at the semi conscious woman and felt her eyes sting from unshed tears. She felt sorry for Amanda. She had no idea that Amanda felt that way and it tugged at her heartstrings. "I'll take you to my place, honey. You're gonna be okay."
Amanda smiled weakly in her sleep and mumbled, "Mmm, Olivia's place. Safe."
The older woman's breathing stopped for a second. Did Amanda not feel safe in her own apartment? Had something happened to her there? Why didn't she feel safe? Olivia swallowed hard at the lump that had formed in her throat and made it her mission to make Amanda feel safe and protected no matter how much the blonde would protest and try to push her away. "You're always safe with me, sweetheart." she whispered and brushed sweat soaked blonde tresses away from her forehead, turned her attention back on the road and drove as fast as the law allowed.
Olivia rang and informed Fin about what was happening. He said not to worry and that they had it covered. After a lot of persuading and physical strain Liv had somehow managed to get the dazed blonde inside and on the sofa. While Amanda's feverish form was slumped against the armrest, eyes closed and shivering, Olivia found some pyjamas that would fit, the thermometer, fever reducers, tissues, a vomit basin, water and a wash cloth. Everything that the blond might need.
As the brunette led the disoriented woman into her bedroom, Amanda suddenly bolted towards the bathroom, immediately fell down on her knees and threw up whatever water she had drank earlier. The gushing sound reached Olivia's ears and she grimaced in sympathy, rubbing soothing circles on her lower back to offer some support and reassurance as the blonde heaved. "That's it, just let it out sweetie. One more? Okay, let it all come up, honey, it's okay."
When Amanda sat back her face was ashen with a sheen of sweat covering her features, eyes dull and watery and shaking from the physical strain. "Fuck." she mumbled and closed her eyes, her breathing heavy.
Olivia helped her up from the floor so she could wash her face and rinse her mouth. "Come on, let's get you into bed. I've got some clothes you can sleep in." she said softly and slowly walked them both back towards the king sized bed. "I'm gonna let you get changed, sweetie. I'll get you some salted crackers so there's something in your stomach. Call me if you need me."
Somehow the half conscious blonde managed to pull the soft cotton pyjamas on. She sat at the edge of the bed looking at all the stuff Olivia had placed on the bedside locker. Normally she would roll her eyes at the overprotective nature of the older brunette but, right now, she was too tired to even keep her eyes open. She fumbled with her hand before she found the Tylenol and water. She downed them in one go and drank most of the water even though it would probably come straight back up with a vengeance.
Her head was pounding, ears throbbing, throat aching and stomach turning. She was in hell. Olivia entered the room but Amanda was too out of it to notice. Not until the brunette placed one arm around her shoulders and one underneath her knees, to swiftly turn her sideways to lay down, did she register. Her mind was already drifting into some kind of limbo land where time didn't exist and all her thoughts were jumbled up into a twisted confusion.
"Amanda? Amanda, honey?" a cool hand was placed on her flushed cheek and brought her back to reality.
"Mmm," she groaned and squinted her eyes up towards Olivia, "how long was I out?"
Liv offered her a sympathetic smile and sat down next to the blonde, chuckling slightly. "About two seconds." she said amused.
Amanda raised her eyebrows in confusion. Two seconds had felt like an undetermined long period of time that had, without a doubt, felt way longer than just two seconds. "Oh." she mumbled, slightly embarrassed for being so unaware of her surroundings. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize, sweets. It's okay. I'm gonna nurse you back to a clean bill of health in no time. I've been told I'm pretty good at nursing." she smirked and grabbed the ear thermometer from the nightstand. "I'm just gonna check your temp, honey." she gently inserted the tip into the blonde's ear and waited for the device to beep. "103.7!" she stated in chock, "oh honey, you must be feeling awful." Olivia brushed damp hair away from her feverish face. "Why did you even come to work? How did you even manage to get into work with a high fever like this? You should've stayed in bed and rang me."
"Mhm," Amanda groaned in discomfort as she felt her stomach cramp up. She pushed herself up and placed a hand over her mouth.
Olivia was quick to place the basin underneath her chin as another gush of clear liquid hit the plastic surface. Amanda could barely keep her head upright and Olivia quickly scooted behind the trembling form for support and placed a cool hand on her forehead. "Oh sweets. Get it all out of your system, that's it! Shh, you're okay, sweetheart. You're okay."
When Amanda was done Olivia lowered her back down onto the soft sheets, cleaned out the basin and sat back down again. She began wiping her sweaty face and neck with a cold wash cloth while murmuring words of comfort and reassurance. Amanda looked so sick it tore at her heart and all she wanted to do was to scoop her up in her arms and never let go.
Her intense feelings for the blonde had started a few months back after the whole Patton case had started. Amanda had gone so many years without telling anyone her story about her rape and when it had all come to light and in the open Olivia found herself physically and emotionally drawn to the younger detective. They were friends and colleagues but her feelings were beyond that point now. She also had a feeling that Amanda felt the same way but was too scared to admit it to even herself. Maybe this would bring them closer together.
"Think you can manage some crackers?" Liv asked softly.
Amanda scrunched up her face at the though of putting something in her mouth. "I... I don't think I can. It's only gonna come back up."
Olivia sighed and softly caressed Amanda's face. "Okay, maybe later. It's more important that you drink a lot of fluids though. Will you do that for me? I don't want you to get dehydrated, honey."
The blonde nodded with her yes closed, too tired to speak. The older woman pulled the covers up around the shaking form and prepared to leave when she felt a trembling hand wrapping itself around her wrist. "Please," Amanda whispered, "stay."
Olivia was quite surprised by the unexpected request but also felt privileged that Amanda trusted her enough to ask for her presence. Carefully she scooted in underneath the covers beside the blonde and kept a watchful eye over her until sleep eventually won.
A forceful movement in the bed woke the brunette up. She didn't know how long they had been asleep for but it was getting dark outside and more snow had began to fall. She glanced over to her right and saw Amanda sitting up at the edge or the bed trying desperately to untangle her legs that were wrapped around them, like she was in a hurry or about to run. Then she heard a stiffled sob and sniffles coming from the blonde and Olivia immediately got up and walked around the bed to see what was going on. The room was too dark to see if Amanda's eyes were open or closed but it was quite obvious that she was having some sort of nightmare or perhaps a fever induced hallucination.
"Amanda, sweetheart? What's wrong?"
The blonde didn't stop her struggle with the duvet, in fact, the fight became more desperate. She tore at the sheet, kicking her legs while trying to break free. "Amanda?" Liv tried again but still nothing. She didn't want to startle her but knew she had to bring her back to the present so she wouldn't hurt herself. She took a step closer and gently placed a hand on her knee. In an instant the movements stopped.
"Amanda? You okay?" the brunette crouched down in front of her, worried brown eyes scanned her sweaty features. "What's going on, sweetie?"
Hazy blue met brown and Olivia knew then that she was dreaming. "Please, I... I have to get away." Amanda begged. "He's gonna hurt me again! Please,... please, don't let him hurt me." she cried and began struggling once more.
"Who, Amanda? Who's gonna hurt you?"
The blonde sobbed, close to hysterical. "P... Patton, he... he... he's gonna hurt me. Please, let me go!" she pushed Liv's hands away trying to make her move.
Olivia felt her own eyes brimming with tears as she watched her scared friend suffer. "He's not here, honey. He's far away from here and he'll never hurt you again, I promise. You're safe here in my apartment. I'll keep you safe, sweetie. I'll keep you safe."
Suddenly Amanda went still and blinked a few times, confused about what was happening. "Liv?" it sounded like a question, a strong need for confirmation that the brunette was actually there and that she wasn't imagining things. "Liv?" she asked again before more tears fell down her already wet cheeks.
Olivia didn't hesitate for a second before she brought the sobbing woman into her arms. "Oh baby! My sweet sweet girl. Everything is okay. It was just a bad dream, that's all. I'm right here with you. You're sick honey. You have the flu but don't worry, I'll take care of you. You're gonna be okay." Liv soothed, her hands rubbing up and down Amanda's sweat soaked shirt.
"I'm sorry." Amanda finally mumbled against Olivia's neck, causing goosebumps to appear along her arms.
Liv pulled away, brushed blonde hair away from her face and cocked her head to the side. "Why are you sorry?"
Amanda sniffled and her lower lip trembled causing her to look like a little girl rather than a fully grow woman. "I... I'm sorry for being sick and... and causing you trouble."
"Amanda, sweetheart. You can't help being sick and you're not causing trouble for me or anyone else for that matter. I just want to make sure you're okay." the brunette wiped at a lone tear that slowly rolled down a flushed cheek. "Do you think you can manage something to eat? Why don't we try a few crackers, huh?"
Amanda ate three small crackers and drank a small glass of water before pushing it away and wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I can eat anymore, Liv. I'm sorry." her throat was raspy and her whole body ached. Liv took the glass from Amanda's shaky hand before she dropped it.
"That's okay, honey. You did good. Wanna try to go back to sleep?" Amanda simply nodded. Olivia handed her another two Tylenol and helped her change into a clean shirt before she once again drifted off to sleep but about ten minutes later the blonde sat up straight, grabbed the nearby basin and emptied her stomach for the fourth time that day. Olivia was quick to help and found herself holding onto the woman she cared about so much.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry you're so sick. I wish I could take it all away from you." she soothed and rubbed her hand up and down her back and upper arms. When Amanda was done she collapsed back down onto the pillows exhausted from the draining experience. Liv washed out the basin and placed it next to the blonde within reach. She heard a whimper, then a chocked sob ripped through Amanda's aching throat. Liv knew it was the fever making her feel so vulnerable, drained and tired. Never in a fully coherent state of mind would Amanda show her feelings in this way and it just told Liv how sick she actually was.
"Oh my sweetest girl." Olivia cooed, sat down beside the blonde, rested her back against the headboard and pulled the crying woman into her lap, rocking her slightly from side to side. "You'll feel much better soon, I promise. I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving your side for a second. Hush, my darling, it's okay. Everything is okay. Shhh."
She continued to rock and sooth until Amanda finally settled down and fell into a deep, much needed, sleep. Hopefully she was on the road to recovery.