Author's Note: This is completely silly. Also, spoiler alert, NOT SNARRY.

Stuck On You

"This is all your fault, Potter!" Snape hissed, his eyes flashing with fury.

"I wasn't the one who turned Neville into a bloody goose!" Harry snarled back.

"Yes, well, you missed him with your stunner," Snape replied venomously.

"Yeah, well who was the one who backhanded my wand hand and sent it spinning off into the bushes?" Harry growled, his eyes narrowed to slits.

"You're not much better!" Snape bellowed. "Your damnable flailing made my wand slip from my grasp and Longbottom-the-goose GRABBED IT IN HIS STUPID BEAK!"

"Well, I guess we can both agree that neither of us were responsible for sticking us together at the hip," Harry replied, trying for the millionth time to unstick himself from the side of the considerably taller Potions master.

"Think again, Potter," Snape snorted, "I find it perfectly reasonable to blame you. He is your friend, after all."

"Well if you didn't swoop in and scare- hey! There he is!" Harry tried to dart ahead, and nearly fell on his face as Snape let out a grunt of pain at the sudden and unexpected force pulling him forward.

"You might have warned me that you were going to do that!" Snape snapped angrily. "I could have twisted my ankle!"

"Oh no, how horrible," Harry replied sarcastically.

"If this is how you treat people who are trying to help you, then I have no idea why Hermione is still your friend," Snape replied, rolling his eyes.

"Ditto to the reason why she's apparently decided dating you is a good idea," Harry shot back.

"Oh, so that's how it's going to be, is it?" Snape lunged forward, nearly knocking Harry over. "You're right. That is rather enjoyable."

"Git," Harry grumbled, repositioning his glasses, which had been knocked askew.

"Stop calling yourself names, Potter, and let's catch that gorram goose!"

They awkwardly worked together for a few minutes before Harry tripped on a loose rock and they both tumbled to the ground, both of them swearing like sailors. It was as they were trying to unhook themselves from the tangle of legs and arms and robes that a shadow fell over them.

"I leave you alone for twenty minutes, and what do I find?" Hermione stared down at them both with a murderous look on her face. She was holding a very happy-looking goose under one arm. Snape's wand stuck out of her pocket.

"Hominus Separatum," She said clearly, waving her wand in a very complex manner. With a loud snapping noise, both men flew apart.

"Accio Harry's wand," Hermione said with a sigh of irritation, as though she'd spoken this exact spell many a time. The wand flew through the air toward her from the bushes and Harry's arm shot out, catching it in mid-flight.

"Thanks, Hermione," he said sheepishly.

"Ahem," Snape said, holding out his hand, presumably for his wand.

"Sorry, Severus, but you have to pay the tax," Hermione replied, smirking.

With a resigned look, he stood and walked over to her, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"There. Can I have my wand now?" he asked with a sulky look on his face.

"Only if you promise to turn Neville back," Hermione replied.

"Wait, how did you know he was Neville?" Harry asked.

"He's got a distinctive marking on his bum," Hermione said, flushing as the two men arched their eyebrows at her. "Don't ask me how I know that. It involves Peeves, a toilet and Neville's toad."

"I don't even want to know," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Which, of course, makes me want to know all the more," Snape said, smirking ghoulishly.

Hermione snorted. "Goose first, embarrassing storytime later. I warn you, though, fair's fair. If I tell you Neville's, he gets to hear yours."

At that, both Harry and Snape went a rather pale shade of green.

"That's what I thought. Come on, then. I think I have a book that will help us with this fowl problem." Hermione said, smirking at her pun.

"Ugh, that was terrible," Harry replied.

"Not as terrible as being stuck to you and your oversized ego, Potter," Snape said, sniffing with distaste.

"Hey-!" Harry cut off his reply when he saw Hermione's expression.

The two of them followed at her side, not saying anything and refusing to look at each other for the rest of their trip.

Some things really never do change.