Chapter 1

"And now I present to you, The Colossus!" The Doctor opened the door of the TARDIS wide with a dramatic flourish and walked outside backwards; his leather-clad arms spread wide, his steps confident, and rightly so. He had, after all, calculated the exact spot to land that would provide the best and most soulful vantage from which to view this wonder of the Earth. He had even gone so far as to pinpoint the best time of day to the millisecond to watch the setting sun behind the statue; its dying light glinting spectacularly off the burnished bronze figure of Helios presiding over the harbor of Rhodes.

This would be sure to impress Rose. The added benefit of showing how much better he was than the fake captain and conman they had taken on board was just icing on the cake.

Rose and Jack followed him out of the TARDIS and onto the rocky ledge. The Doctor anxiously awaited her reaction. He studied her face intently, not wanting to miss the slightest hint of wonder and delight; the widened the eyes, the mouth that dropped open into a surprised oval, the hitch of surprised breath. All of which he was certain would be followed by his Rose flinging her arms round him and showering him with praises and adoration.

Take that "Captain"!

The Doctor was so tense with anticipation; he was nearly rocking on his toes.

"Wow, Doc. I never would have guessed you knew about sights like these," said an appreciative Jack.

It was an odd comment, coming from Jack. He knew full well that the Doctor had the width and breadth of space and time at his disposal. Then again, Jack did have an overactive libido and the statue was naked, so perhaps the comment was not as strange as it first appeared.

The Doctor dismissed Jack's comment as unimportant and returned his focus to Rose. As he had predicted, her eyes were wide with surprise, and her mouth was formed into a delicate shape of wonder. The surprised breath, however, sounded more like a choked wheeze than a gasp of pleasure. The Doctor surmised she must have swallowed a bug, but that didn't explain the heated blush that rose onto her cheeks.

Then, to his surprise, Rose cocked her head to the right, as if changing the angle would give her a better understanding of what she was looking at.

"Are they….," she started uncertainly. "Surely that's not….." Rose paused again, before finally straightening and pointing at something in the distance. "Is that even possible?"

"Which one?" asked Jack, following the direction of her finger. "Ah!" he murmured. "That one is only possible with a species that has a double jointed hip. Pity."

The Doctor suspected that something had gone horribly awry with his brilliant plan. Slowly, his arms dropped to his sides and he craned his head over his shoulder. His body followed until he stood facing what was, in fact, not the Colossus.

Countless hands had worked over many generations to shear off one side of an entire mountain range. And upon the flattened surface, carved in intricate bas-relief were countless 20 foot high figures copulating in every conceivable position known to the universe. The carvings stretched as far as the eye could see and beyond, the very rock transformed into a loud exaltation of the pleasures of the flesh.

"What?" asked the Doctor, dumbfounded. He most decidedly had not programmed the coordinates into the TARDIS navigation computer that would have landed them before these rock reliefs. After a moment of blank staring, exactly what his eyes were seeing caught up with his brain and a flush crept up his neck and into his ears.

"Now that one," came Jack's leering voice, "is definitely possible for two humanoids."

"Which?" asked Rose.

"Third from the left."

There was a pause and then Rose asked doubtfully, "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely! How 'bout it beautiful," said Jack sidling closer to her. "Wanna try it?"

Rose, who was studying the carving and did not notice either Jack's sudden proximity or the suggestive lift of his eyebrows, asked in a soft puzzled voice, "But where do the tentacles go?"

"Right!" boomed the Doctor, loud enough to create an impressive echo that bounced off the mountainside. Both of his companions jumped at the sudden loud noise, focusing as one on the Doctor. The same Doctor whose hands were balled into fists at his sides, whose shoulders were tight with tension, and whose ears were glowing an angry red.

"Tour's over," the Doctor said abruptly. "Everyone back on the bus."

"Awww," said Jack with genuine disappointment. "We just got here and you want to leave already? What's the rush?"

Jack faced Rose, his features gleaming with anticipated pleasures. "This is Ahlbom," he said, ignoring the furious Time Lord. "They worship the fertility goddess Carna through the act of sex. Anytime, anywhere, anyway, anywhen, and with anyone!" Jack sounded as if he had just received every Christmas present he ever asked for all at once. "The worshipers of Carna are very devout," he added with a lascivious wink.

Rose couldn't help the flush that crossed her cheeks, or the shy, uncertain giggle she gave Jack's antics. Her merriment stopped cold, however, when she caught sight of the dark, fuming tower of Time Lord who was glaring at Jack with a murderous eye. "Jack," she started tentatively, "I don't think…."

"This is a dream come true!" Jack enthused. So caught up was he in the pornographic visions inside his own head that he completely ignored the warning.

"TARDIS! NOW!" erupted the Doctor.

Rose gave a squeak and ran back into the TARDIS. Jack waited until Rose had gone inside before giving the Doctor a slow knowing smile, then followed Rose without another word.

The Doctor stood alone outside his ship and glared. Drawing in a deep breath intended to calm the erratic beating of his hearts, he forced his balled fists to relax. Composure somewhat regained, he stomped into his ship and slammed the door behind him.