Hello ! This was my first humble story to grace the archives of this magical website, so I thought I'd come back to it and give it a little tune-up. But efore we begin, I'd like to make clear that this story is not a typical fanfiction. What lies ahead contains massive canon defilement, obnoxious humor, violence, and not a single character acting the way they should. If this is not your kind of fic, consider yourself warned.
Oh and I don't own Zelda, sure glad we got that misunderstanding out of the way, eh?
PROLOGUE
A long time ago, Hylia, the youngest sister of Din, Farore, and Nayru, ruled over the new Earth after her sisters created it. She was called "Her Grace" by her chosen people, the Hylians.
As the races of the world lived together in peace, a great evil rose from the Underworld; The Demon King Demise. He waged war against Hylia and the world with a vast army of demons, destroying everything he laid his eyes upon.
As the battle heated up, Hylia took a desperate measure to save the surviving Hylians and raised parts of the land into the sky, giving them refuge in the clouds. This floating archipelago was called Skyloft.
Eventually, Demise was brought to his knees and pushed back to the Underworld with his followers where they were to be sealed off forever.
However...
Even though the war was over, Skyloft remained where it was. Generations passed, and those who dwelt on Skyloft became largely ignorant of the world below them, knowing that they are safe from it's chaos.
This is how the story has been told, but the truth is... very few know what really happened those many years ago. Fewer still know why it happened...
STORY BEGIN
It was another beautiful morning in Skyloft. Clouds of smog blew about the air in harmony, masses of garbage and waste flowed through the town's water like synchronized swimmers, and the sounds of construction and heavy industry bellowed like music along with the sounds of the birds gasping for clean air.
What also was beautiful was Skyloft's star citizen; his name was Groose. He was their very own North Star, the crown jewel, the cream of the crop, the center piece, the center FOLD ;), the black sheep... except in a good way...? Well you get the picture. Anyway... umm, where is he?
"He's not coming out of his room. There was a race earlier and Groose lost because some d-bag named Link cheated." Strich said matter-of-factly.
"Well we'll have to go get him! What kind of boring sack of crap would this story be if Groose wasn't in it?" Cawlin replied.
And so Cawlin and Strich began their journey to their friend's room. After a while, they realized they were already at his door in the first place, so they turned around and made their way back.
Now they are back at Groose room.
Yes, even the mightiest of heroes fall into pits of doubt and despair, this was evident to Strich and Cawlin when they entered the door to see Groose bawling loudly and uncontrollably, something they didn't hear earlier for some reason...
"WAAAAAAAA W-W-WHERE DID I GO WRONG! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Even the coldest of hearts melt at the sight of such raw emotion. I'm fighting back tears... m-m-myself...
"Come on man, she ain't good enough for you. You don't need some dumb bimbo like her." Cawlin said, trying to comfort his fallen friend.
"Umm, Cawlin..."
Before Strich could stop Cawlin from going too far, he saw Groose throw his purple haired accomplice into the wall, leaving behind a new hole.
"Are you kidding?! Zelda's the most beautiful girl in town, I swore that I would have her when we first met two weeks ago, and she would be all over my muscly body if it wasn't for that pipsqueak Link!" Groose declared, finding newfound confidence from the sound of his own voice.
STATUE OF THE GODDESS
Well until Groose is ready to start, let us shift the focus to the little jerk himself; Link, who after cheating, got to meet the dumb bimbo- I mean, serene and beautiful Zelda on top of some giant statue thingy.
Well, we're already late, so we'll have to watch from down here.
"Congratulations Link, I knew you could do it!" Zelda said cheerfully.
Link simply stared unamused at Zelda until she handed him a piece of cloth with some sort of design on it. Link blankly eyed it for a few seconds.
"...That's my prize?"
"Yes." Said Zelda "It's the Sailcloth. Legend says that it once belonged to a..."
Link stopped listening right about there. He was still disappointed in his prize after he went through all that trouble cheating- I mean, winning the Loftwing race.
(Looks like it's you and me tonight, right hand)
When Zelda, half knowing that Link wasn't paying attention, was finished, she stepped over to the edge of the platform, gesturing Link to do the same.
The two looked out at the sky for a while until Zelda slowly stepped back. Link felt awkward.
"Wait, what are we doing- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Zelda pushed him straight off the edge. As Link fell down, he accidentally held the Sailcloth to catch the air and act as a parachute, slowing his fall until he touched the ground.
When the shock wore off, Link got a little angry.
"ZELDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" He screamed.
Zelda's sadistic giggling stopped as she heard Link stomping back up to the top, shouting a rainbow of obscenities at her. I'd write what he was saying, but we want to keep this rewrite T rated, so let's show some class.
"Link, what are you- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Was all Zelda could say before Link tossed her off the tower... and off of Skyloft itself...
"NEED A PARACHUTE?!" Link shouted down as he tossed the Sailcloth down at her.
Well that will never reach her in time, so she's as good as dead now. Great, day 1 and we already have a fatality, that's a record for us...
SKYLOFT
Realizing what he had done, Link left the scene before anyone showed up. He decided to innocently walk around town and hope nobody approaches him with questions.
But someone was approaching him alright. It was...
...
...
DUMBLEDORE!
...oh wait, I mean- GROOSE AND HIS GANG!
"Well well well. If it isn't ol' Link." Groose said, towering over Link.
"Go away Groose, I'm not in the mood..." Link said, not in the mood.
"What's the hurry? off to see Zelda?" Cawlin Accused.
"Uhh... no." Denied Link
"What's the matter, still having girl problems? Well I understand, we can't ALL be lady pleasers. In fact, she was probably disappointed that you "won" the race." Groose said, easily getting under Link's skin already.
"Well it's your fault for not seeing it coming, did you think I would be above dirty tactics?" Bragged Link.
"I see..." Said Groose "Then does that mean you confess to cheating before the great Headmaster Gaepora?"
Groose then pointed behind Link.
Link worriedly turned around to see... nobody there and to hear the three bullies laughing at him.
While Cawlin and Strich were still laughing, Groose continued "Your mom should have named you... GULLIBLE, like it says on your name tag."
"Yeah whatever..." Link said, not falling for that one, even though his name tag actually DID say that.
"So where's your GIRLFRIEND?" Groose questioned.
Not wanting anyone to know about Zelda's death, Link had to swallow his pride on this one.
"She uh... Didn't show up."
"Hah! she stood him up!" Cawlin laughed.
"Maybe if you got yourself a better haircut like mine, you'd have some better luck." Said Groose who then realized he was late for his hourly combing.
"I don't need hair like that... I don't have anything I need to compensate for." Joked Link, trying WAY too hard to get one over his rival.
"Hey! You lay off my 'do right now! Everyone knows I got the slickest pompadour in town!" Shouted Groose, heroically rushing to the aid for his superior hair.
"Oh my gods, I am SO sorry, I have no idea where that came from!" Link quickly apologized, realizing he went way too far.
"Very well, but there is still a price to pay." Groose fairly decided.
POW!
Groose delivered five fingers of sweet retribution to Link's smart mouth, sending him flying across the town. Cawlin and Strich applauded.
"That'll teach you some manners."
LATER THAT DAY
As Groose and his bros were settling in for the night, Link came hobbling back to the dorm, barely conscious due to massive head trauma. Questions were staring to raise about Zelda, who hadn't been seen since the ceremony and Groose was noticing. Seeing Link come in, Groose decided to get to the bottom of it.
"Mornin', shrimp. Oh wait, it's night time now. That's what happens when sleep all day... like a loser!" Said Groose, once again looming over the little geek.
"Fuuuuggooofff Gooos..." Was all Link could muster.
"Dizzy there? perhaps I've punched you TOO hard back there. I can't help it with these bulging muscles after all!" Groose said as he struck that pose the would even impress Link.
But Link wasn't in the mood, so he continued back to his room. Swift as a river, Groose cut him off and was once again in front of him.
"Going somewhere? I didn't dismiss you. Where is Zelda?!"
"Uhhhh..." Link was getting a little nervous now.
"You better not have done something to her!" Groose stated as he left the dorm to search for Zelda.
Groose was heroically soaring around the sky, stopping at any island he could find, searching for his woman. He eventually stopped for a short while for his hourly hair maintenance. After all, having such a sick pompadour required not only work and love, but also time.
He froze in shock, and nearly dropped his expensive comb on the filthy ground, when he saw a blue apparition appear before him.
"Greetings, oh handsome one. I am called Fi."
Groose was shocked, the creature was speaking in gibberish, yet he still somehow understood it.
"I am a humanoid representation of the Goddess Sword, a sword that is meant to be wielded by one named Link. Do you know of him? I am in a hurry to find him."
"Why yes I do, but what would you want with a dork like him?" Asked Groose.
"He is destined to use the Goddess Sword in his quest to slay the demon king called Demise. I can't seem to locate him."
Groose was baffled, who would give such an assignment to someone that has to be reminded to blink?
"Hah, you're wasting your time there. This Link you're looking for... is a moron. He just sleeps all day, and he can't even take a punch." Groose informed, proudly remembering that Super Duper Don't Talk Smack About My Hair Fist of Fury.
"Perhaps we speak of different Links?" Fi reasoned, hoping what Groose said wasn't true.
"I doubt it, there's no one else around here with a name like that. Who even calls their boy Link anyway? Maybe his mom meant to call him STINK." Groose joked, though disappointed to waste his best Link insult on someone other than Zelda.
"Umm... in any case, I am in need of a hero immediately. You seem able bodied, perhaps you could come with me?" Fi asked, wondering why in the world she was sent to find someone with such a poor description.
"Me? a hero? I already AM one, sweetheart. But I suppose I could squeeze you into my schedule." Groose boasted.
Fi was impressed. "Excellent, perhaps I could even assist you in your endeavors. But for now, please come with with me."
So the new duo departed to the Statue of the Goddess where Groose was to receive his new awesome weapon.
MEANWHILE...
Link was awakened by a knock on his door. Shaking the pain in his head, he walked to the door to find Pipit.
"Good evening Link, is a bad time?" Pipit asked.
Link pointed to the clock that read 1:11 AM. "Yes, it is."
But Pipit didn't quite understand why midnight isn't a good time to bother people and got a little suspicious.
"Ah, I see. But I wish speak to you about Zelda in the morning, so here is my card."
With that, Pipit left. Link decided to actually read the card before throwing it out. It simply read "SPESHAL OCCIFER AGINT DETEKTIV PIPPIN. CAL ME"
Link's heart skipped a beat.
(Shit, they're already on to me!)
Everyone else in the Academy had gotten Pipit's card too, except they didn't know what it was about.
STATUE OF THE GODDESS
Groose and Fi arrived inside the Statue. Within it was a sword that didn't really look that impressive, but Groose took it anyway. He held it high and shouted...
"I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEEER!"
Fi waited for him to settle down and began to explain.
"Master, since you have accepted this mission. My duty now is to guide you on your journey to fight evil. And when I say "evil" I mean a figure that the goddesses simply don't agree with."
"Where do we start?" Groose said, ready for some ass kicking.
"We will begin on the world below yours. A desolate world of many dangers. An evil demon named Ghirahim who plans to unleash the Demon King Demise is down there."
Groose quickly lost interest and closed the deal with "Ehh, how about we just do it tomorrow?"
"Very well."
Groose then left for home, intending to go right to bed, even after only about five minutes, being a hero really takes it out of you.
THE NEXT MORNING
Groose woke up to the sunrise and flexed his muscles. He decided he would have eggs and sausage this morning and left to go find himself a pig since real men make their own meat. Only to be interrupted by Fi, whom he had almost forgotten about.
"I do not intend to rush you master, but it is best we depart as soon as you are able."
"Yeah yeah, I'm hunting for my breakfast, woman." A startled Groose replied.
"You left the Goddess Sword in your room, perhaps it could help you?" Fi tried to helpfully add.
"A REAL man relies on one thing, his bare hands." Said Groose, striking a dashing pose. Once again, Fi was impressed.
As Groose said this, Cawlin and Strich approached him.
"Sup Groose, who's the lady?" Asked Cawlin.
"This is my servant, Fi." Groose said proudly.
"Hmmm... what KIND of servant?" Strich suggestively asked.
Cringing at the way Strich said that, Fi responded "I am assigned to assist Master Groose in his journey. He is to defeat evil using the Goddess Sword."
"An adventure?"
"Without us?!"
Cawlin and Strich were offended to think that Groose would embark on an awesome journey without his comrades.
"Of course not. We're gonna go down there and kick some demon's ass! AND find Zelda." Groose said, striking a dashing pose once more.
"Zelda?" Questioned Fi.
"My girl. She went AWOL yesterday." Groose said, pumping his fists.
"I can locate her..." Said Fi as she used her dousing ability.
...
"...I sense her presence way down below!"
"We shall rescue her! ONWARD... or downward." Declared Groose, striking another dashing pose.
"How can we reach this world below ours? Your Loftwing can't carry all three of us." Said Strich, finally addressing the issue.
"Don't you have your own?" A confused Groose asked.
"Mine got impounded."
"Mine got repoed."
"Hmm... then we'll have to have a word with Link. I'd say he owes it to us!" Groose said thoughtfully as he struck yet another dashing pose.
So the four departed to find Link.
Link was being held at Pipit's house for interrogation, except...
"Don't play games with me, mister! See, when I get a feeling about someone, I'm usually right. And I got a baaad feeling about you, son. So I suggest you play ball!" Pipit demanded as he shone a flashlight in the suspect's face.
Pipit's Mom could only stare at him in confusion until she finally pointed behind him. Pipit realized he was questioning his mom the whole time and Link was behind him.
"So... you thought you could pull one on me, eh?"
Groose and the gang bursted into Pipit's house, ready for one badass rescue mission.
"We're bustin' ya out, Link!"
Strich threw a smoke grenade into the house, blinding Pipit long enough for Link to escape with the others. The smoke cleared, and...
"He's fleeing the interview! HE'S FLEEING THE INTERVIEW!" A panicking Pipit shouted as he darted out the door.
The five we're then tearing like Hell across Skyloft.
"What's this about?" Demanded Link.
"We need your help, Link. We need your Loftwing to-"
And then they heard it.
WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO
Pipit was not far behind them, giving chase and making his own siren noises.
"Oh damn, he's gaining on us!" Shouted Cawlin as he pulled out a gun.
Cawlin aimed for and shot at at Pipit's feet. Pipit ran in a serpentine pattern and flew right into a tree. Making tire screech noises the whole way.
"Woot!"
WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO
But just then, a whole squad of Pipit clones came out from all over, intending to close in on the suspects. Having no other choice, our heroes jumped off the ledge, Groose and Link intended to call their Loftwings, but then realized they forgot their whistle things that summon them.
"Oh shit!"
And there they were, plummeting towards certain doom below. How will they get out of this jam? Will it be some previous event coming back to work in their favor? or will it just be some contrived deus ex machina? Probably the latter.