At night, she invites stallions of all kinds to her bedroom, but they never come out at morning…
A male earth pony, one who had a yellow mane and gray fur and wore a black suit and red tie, recalled those words as he stood up against the double doors of Princess Celestia's bedroom.
That's what the rumors say...but I did not request your services so that we could make idle gossip. Rather, we are here to make a case…an investigation is needed, I shall bluntly put it…
The pony who recalled these words was a private detective from the F.B.I. (Fabulous Bureau of Investigation), those initials engraved in gold on a black badge he had on his suit. The one who said these words was his boss, a white mare. A white mare who enjoyed being dressed in an attire of a gray hat and coat and keeping her face hidden by shadow for dramatic effect while relaying orders to her subordinates.
Even though you see not my face, you know who I am, and you hear me loud and clear when I tell you that your mission is to go to Princess Celestia's castle this night and investigate to see if there is truth to the claims about her.
The pony sidestepped across the doors and put his right ear up against the doors to listen in on anything potentially interesting. He was still finding it difficult to grasp the fact that he had been hired to investigate a big name like Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria, as if she were some kind of mob boss or a villain from a spy movie, even while reminiscing on the explanation he had been given by his boss…
Please do not misinterpret any of this. Under normal circumstances, I would not believe such rumors for a second. Princess Celestia is a good friend of mine as well as a pony I deeply respect. However, it is as of late that she has turned a blind eye to a tremendously pressing concern of mine...the concern of a missing pony who is also a good friend of mine...Angel Delight. He was one of my best customers at my boutique, and an admirable stallion who served as a guard in Celestia's quarters with dignity...until one day, he just disappeared. Every time that I've asked Celestia about his whereabouts or what happened to him, all she's done in response is chuckle...and it bothers me so very much… Please, I beg of you, help me solve this mystery…I want to see Angel again...
It wasn't just the explanation of the backstory that felt off to him, however. It was also the explanation he had given by his boss of how he would be able to so easily get into Princess Celestia's castle at night to conduct a private investigation…
Do not fear, you will not need to engage in any type of "tactical espionage action" in order to get into the castle at night. I am also good friends with Princess Twilight Sparkle. I told her something...not too far from the truth about a friend and I wanting to do something to debunk these nasty rumors about Princess Celestia inviting stallions to her room late at night so that she would at least permit you and I access to all areas of the castle normally only open during the day after hours. Celestia doesn't mind ponies trusted by the princess who was always her most faithful student wandering around her castle, and neither do the guards. I'm afraid you're by yourself after that, but it really shouldn't be too much trouble working your way from there.
The detective looked down at the chest pocket on his suit as he reminisced over those last two things he was told.
"Yeah," said the detective to himself in his mind, "I'll bet."
Even though the detective was being sarcastic, his boss had been completely serious. She knew Celestia and these guards better than him.
Elsewhere in the castle…
Two guards were conserving with each other in a hall when another guard who had seen the detective came up to them.
"Hey," he said, "there's a guy from the FBI at Princess Celestia's bedroom door. Should I ask him what he's doing?"
"I don't feel that's necessary." one guard replied. "I'm sure he's just doing his job, being a detective and whatnot."
Little did the guards know, the stallion from the FBI was not the only pony they would unexpectedly notice in the castle this night. Ironically, it was not a stranger, but somepony they knew who was the one they really needed to watch out for. That somepony had been watching them from the other end of the hall…
Heh heh, I can feel them...they are such sausages...
"Besides," said the other guard, "if we can't trust the FBI, who can we trust? They fight for our country so that we can feel safe and secure!"
Ho ho ho...my search is over...they're perfect...
"Hmm huh huh." a sickly sweet chuckle could be heard. "You guys are so cute. I never regret hiring ponies like you…"
Those lyrically spoken words came from across the other end of the hall, and the one who spoke them came closer to the trio of guards.
"You're like little puppies…"
"Huh?" the guards said as they gazed upon the figure who approached them in surprise. It was their princess…
"Princess Celestia?"
The white alicorn princess grinned innocently and beamed at the guards before replying with…
"Yours truly."
"Oh, um...Your Majesty," said one of the guards, overcoming his surprise and remembering formalities, "I do mean no rudeness or intrusion, but what are you doing roaming the halls this late? We thought that you were in bed sleeping."
"Tee hee…" Princess Celestia snickered. "That's...accurate enough, but my sleep earlier this eve was more of a rest to prepare for tonight's after dark event…"
With that, Celestia's grin widened and her horn began to glow with a yellow aura of magic. She casted a spell that blinded the confused guards with a flash of light, and when their vision returned after the light's fading, they saw five guards standing behind Celestia in V formation. All of them were smiling just like Celestia, which gave the trio of guards the creeps.
"Um...Your Majesty…" a puzzled guard said. "What's...going on?"
"I'm simply getting my dogs in a pack." Celestia replied. "I teleported out of my room to search the castle for eight guards who are qualified for what this event demands. Eight guards who I have determined will meet the requirements for satisfying an urge this night. I've been having the most uncanny craving for sausages…"
Celestia licked her lips.
"...Woah." the trio of guards thought as their faces turned red.
Ha ha ha. I'm always craving sausages...but this night, I intend to indulge in something a little different than that. Unlike my friend, who sent me tonight's lucky loverboy…
Celestia thought that in her mind. Who could she be talking about?
"But Your Majesty," said one of the guards from the trio, "you said you were searching for eight guards. Right now, you only have five with you."
"Correct," responded Celestia, "and I had still been searching until I encountered you three…"
"Oh my…" the three guards said with resounding gulps as Celestia pointed her glowing horn at them…
Meanwhile, back with the detective…
The detective was still outside Celestia's bedroom door, wondering why he could hear nothing upon trying to listen in. Maybe it had just been a rumor…
The detective reached into his suit's chest pocket and pulled out a lockpick.
Or maybe it was just time to try a different tactic…
Predictably, when he tried to push and pull either one of the double doors open, they refused to budge. Thus, he began to try picking the lock, putting the lockpick into one keyhole and moving it about to try and unlock it, but to no avail. He tried doing the same to the other keyhole, but again, was unsuccessful in unlocking it. Perplexed and frustrated, he tried to think of another method of getting in, when suddenly, he heard the familiar sound of hooves stepping from behind…
Turning around, his fear of being caught had been realized, for standing behind him was the princess of the castle, Celestia, grinning devilishly at him.
"I can sense the kind of pony you are…" she told him. "I feel the vibrations of your soul. Trying to break into my room, I saw you do. The lack of concern for the privacy of others is not the mark of a sausage…"
Celestia then leaned in close to whisper something in the detective's left ear.
"It's the mark of a greaseball."
Celestia pulled her head back to see the detective scowl at her upon hearing that remark. She chuckled.
"It's not an insult…" she told him. "I'm just explaining to you who you are."
The detective growled.
"And they said I had a smart mouth…" he said bemusedly. "Look, I really don't give a damn about what you think of me. I'm just here to do my job. So let's cut to the chase. There's something I have to ask you...have you been bringing ponies to your room at night?"
"Yes." Celestia replied in a surprisingly normal tone of voice. The detective was taken aback…
"...Really?" he said. He was not expecting her to confess, much less in such a simple, succinct way.
"Yes, it's all true." she told him. "I am a colossal pervert, and proud of it too. If not for the fact that I have a reputation to maintain as ruler of this land, I would publicly announce to the entire nation of Equestria my "dirty little secret"."
"I see…" the detective replied as blankly as he could, trying to put on his best pokerface as he reached for something in his uniform's back pocket. "And the only reason you're telling me this is because you like to gloat about this secret to those you're sure will never be able to escape to tell another soul…"
The detective was about to throw what he had fetched out of his back pocket, a smoke bomb, on the ground in an attempt to blind Celestia and flee, but he was stopped by his front hooves being overcome by a magical force. A yellow aura of magic surrounded his entire body and paralyzed him.
"And unfortunately for me," said Celestia, "you've been recording this entire conversation with a hidden wire device strapped to your body underneath that suit. I have to give you credit, you are a professional. You know what you're doing. However…"
The detective began to feel more than just paralyzed as Celestia came ever so close to him. He felt his body beginning to contort and shrink to a new form as Celestia leaned in to his left ear (or what would've been it) once again…
"I've known what you've been doing from the start. Not just because I can read your spirit...but also because she told me…"
"No…" the detective thought. He could no longer speak. He could no longer move his mouth, legs, or even his head, for he was trapped in this form Celestia had given him…
Later that night, in Celestia's bedroom...
"You've met with a wonderful fate, haven't you?"
Celestia spoke those words to a sandwich. She was laying on her bed eyeing it as it sat on her sheets.
"Lovely evening we're having, wouldn't you agree?"
Celestia spoke those words to a cheeseburger. A cheeseburger composed of a patty topped with melted cheese, tomatoes, pickles, and lettuce, all held together by two sesame seed buns.
"Not a talker, eh? Like you hinted at, I have a smart mouth. I guess I can't say the same about you…"
Celestia grinned menacingly as she pressed down on the cheeseburger with her right hoof and watched as grease oozed from the patty.
"...Greaseball."
Meanwhile…
Rarity was in her bedroom. Approaching her open bedroom door, she closed it and locked it with magic. She then trotted over to her bed with a smile of feigned innocence on her face and pulled aside a pillow with her magic. She then telekinetically lifted what was behind the pillow…
A pack containing eight hot dogs. Eight dogs.
"Good evening, my fine, strapping young stallions."
Rarity told that to the hot dogs in the pack.
"I must say, I'm honored that Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, would go out of her way to provide me with eight members of an elite force tasked with guarding the princess. Eight stallions who have been specially prepared to give this mare one of the greatest pleasures a mare can experience…"
Rarity tore the pack of sausages open.
And so, that night, both naughty mares indulged in their taboo pleasures. One found herself guffawing, "WAH HA HA!", as she took hot dogs for a special ride inside her special hole. The other found herself taking a greasy burger from its sesame seed buns and putting it between her own buns. She squished the former stallion between her plot, right in front of a cake decorated with white frosting and blue icing…
Right in front of her Angel Delight.