Special Thanks to Corey from FF who was kind enough to read/edit it for me first!
...
It's a beautiful day outside. The type of day I used to love as a child, when everything was simple and uncomplicated. The sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky. And I wish I could be out there doing anything other than what I'm in here doing.
As I enter the church, I am overwhelmed by the strong smell of lilies. I know they are Peyton's favorite flower but it isn't what I would have chosen. Other than that, I guess Haley and Peyton did okay with the garnishing. I wish I could have helped them but I wasn't strong enough.
To my left, I see Jamie. All dressed up in a suit that I made for him. He looks so handsome. I love my godson, always have and always will. Looking at him now, I can't help but remember the day he was born. Haley and Nathan were so happy and proud of what they made. The greatest gift that anyone has ever given me was the one Haley gave me. The night she asked me to be his godmother. I remember being in this very same church watching him be baptized. Lucas and I, with Haley and Nathan, promised to always be there for that tiny baby boy. From that day on, Lucas and I were always connected. Now, thinking back, it makes me so sad. All the time that I wasted staying away from Tree Hill, and Jamie, because I couldn't face my own feelings. It's too late now and even though I will always be his godmother, after today, I will never be his real aunt. It makes me want to cry but I can't.
Next to him, I see Haley and Nathan holding each other. I can't help but be jealous of them. They have been through so much in the past few years but their love is still so strong. That is what I want. What I've always wanted. Love is the key to life and love is something that they have an abundancy of. Maybe it's because they learned to be both selfish and selfless with each other at the same time. They always want what's best for the one another but they won't compromise themselves or their own dreams either. Maybe I should have tried to be more like them- I wished I had but, now, it's too late for wishing.
To my right is Peyton, my oldest and best friend. She looks beautiful, as always, but she's confused as well. We have been through so much together and I still love her in spite of it all. We've both made our share of mistakes. But I've learned that the important thing is that we grow from them. 'Hoes over Bros' was always our motto. But that's over now. It has to be over. Or everything that I've done would be for nothing. She has so much going on right now and I wish I could help. Lucas will be there for her, I know, and that helps a little, but I wish it was me. I drift back to a time when we were younger- playing on the swings, running, and talking, before boys made everything more complicated. We always promised each other that we would be each other's maid of honor when it was time for us to get married. And I would make the dresses. I wish I could have kept those promises but I just wasn't tough enough.
The church starts to fill up with more and more people. I suppose this is how I've always pictured it. I just can't help but feel like I am here for the wrong reason. If it was right, it'd be the happiest day of my life. Beautiful roses and candles all over. Hales, in an original dress by me, would be singing. Karen, Lily, and Peyton would be in beautiful dresses that I made especially for this day. Most important, I would be walking down the aisle towards Lucas, as all of my dreams came true. But that dream ends today, because I yielded too soon.
Finally, I see Lucas. He is walking up the aisle to the front of the Church. He waves hello to everyone and my heart skips a beat, just seeing him. He really is changing the world one day at a time and I long to be by his side as he does. I want to smile at him but I can't. Why couldn't I have just told him how I feel? I still love him and I always will. People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end, don't they? But not this time. I should have told him my feelings before it was too late. And now I'm left to wonder if it would have even made a difference. I think it would've. I believe deep inside my heart that he still loves me too. Even now, he looks at me with so much love in those gorgeous blue eyes. But I'm sure that the time for confessing has passed now.
All of a sudden, I'm flooded with memories of me and Lucas. The first night we stayed up, talking, until dawn and really got to know each other for the first time. Our first date. Him making me the girl behind the red door again with one sweet gesture. Him telling me that we we're meant to be and trying to prove it to me over and over. The letters. The locker. His voice as he called me pretty girl. The kiss in New York after a beautiful night of pretend. Him being there for me through the whole Angie ordeal. It all makes me love him even more than I already do. I want all of the memories to go away. I really can't handle them. Not right now. I want to break down right here, right now- but I can't.
Those thoughts are abruptly interrupted by the soft music that's now being played and the sounds of everyone standing. It's starting now. I wish I had been stronger, but I wasn't. And I want to let loose and sob, but I can't. It really is too little, too late now.
The pastor begins his sermon and the congregation goes quiet.
"Good morning, all. Today, we are here to say good-bye to one of our dearest friends, Brooke Penelope Davis, who's was taken away from us way too soon by an unknown assailant. . ."
I can hear my friends crying now. I want to hold them and tell them that it's all okay. There has been some kind of mistake, but I can't. That'd be a lie. I want to mourn with them but I can't even do that. Because I'm Brooke. And I'm dead.
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