I REWROTE THIS CHAPTER. SO, YEAH. IT'S BETTER. HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY IT.
Ally
I glanced at the classroom clock, hoping that class, and school, would end soon. Don't get me wrong, I love my education, and I'm grateful for having it, but I have to leave soon in my twelve-year-old, white, pick-up truck.
Today, I had to pick up my 8 year old brother, Alex, from school, because Adam, my 24 year old brother, couldn't. In regular cases, the parent or parent pick up their child from school, or they ride the bus, but that isn't an option for my shortened family. My mom died while she was giving birth to Alex, eight years ago, and my dad died from a cardiac arrest, 7 months before my mom.
The reason Alex can't ride the bus isn't because it doesn't come here, because it does, it's just that he comes crying sometimes because of the awful things the other kids have said.
The last thing that my mom ever said to me was to watch over Alex and Adam, and to always light the candle in the dark; meaning that I should always see the bright side in the most terrible situations.
That piece of advice hasn't served its purpose.
Adam probably had it the worst when mom and dad died. He had to grow up instantly and be the adult figure in the house. We had to move out of the house and into an apartment, because with a 16 year old the oldest, we couldn't afford much.
Adam was able to help out with me and Alex when he wasn't at work, but with him being a police officer, that wasn't very often. So I have to also become responsible for raising my brother.
He looks just like me—both of my brothers do. We all share the dark, brown eyes, brunette hair, and fair complexion.
I feel so bad for Alex, since he never got to meet his parents. He's an innocent 8 year old who has to deal with all the crap the world decides to throw at him. Adam and I try to make Alex feel better every time someone at his school makes fun of him because he has no parents. I don't tell Alex about how I'm bullied though, he needs to think positive about his life, not only see it as an undeserved punishment.
Adam is the only one I can really talk to, considering he is the eldest. He's the only one that I'm being bullied every day, non stop. He would always tell me that all though I'm not stronger or taller, or bigger than them, I can still take a stand.
I'm sorry, Adam, but I haven't been doing that.
I let there truthful words get to me, because I need to be reminded of how I'm a disgrace to anyone's presence.
What if I wasn't here anymore to poison their days? What if, instead, I was in a place where people actually flashed me a genuine smile.
Even if it was just for one day—or even one hour, I would do almost anything to go back there and see my parents just one more time.
When the bell rung, I darted for the door, pushed through all of the other eager Juniors, and ran to my locker, putting in my combination. It took a lot of concentration, but I think that's because it's only September. I always had a big fear of showing up late to pick up Alex, so I made sure I was early. I didn't want him to be the last one there.
I closed my locker door shut and begin to make a run for it in the schools parking lot. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to even make it out of the hallway, because I bumped into someone. Hard. The collision knocked me to the ground, but, thankfully, my thick backpack broke my fall.
"Hey watch where you're going fat ass!" l looked up to see Austin Moon, the most popular guy in school, glaring daggers into me. Beside him were a few other football players: Chris Clark, Kellen Maxwell, Brad Henry, Dez Chipman and Zack Johnson.
Every day, it's the same thing over and over again. Every push becomes a shove with them. They seem to have no limits, and I hope that they do this to no one else
Austin Moon. The blond boy whom stands at six feet and is built like a football player should be. Ever since the fourth grade—which was when my parents died—he's always picked on me when the teacher wasn't looking. He would steal my pencils, tug my hair, trip me in the hallways, and then it got worse. Now, he's gotten the entire school to hate me. No one's ever offered to sit with me at my lonely lunch table, cow manure has come out of my locker, along with sour milk, yet no one still dares to take a stand for me. I try to speak, but my body and mind are too weak from the lack of food. Joyce said this would happen, but I still didn't lose my bad habit that I've had since the eighth grade.
I admit that I had a crush on Austin from about the first grade to the beginning of the fourth grade, but that faded rather quickly. You know, since he practically torments me?
I remember the first time that I ever cried—excluding when I remembered my parent's death and how I prayed that they would walk through the front door one day—was because Austin had dumped my cafeteria lunch onto my head. The entire school laughed at me. I ran out the room, crying from the humiliation, and cut for the very first time.
I remember the pain that I felt, how my heart was screaming at me to not take the blade to my wrist, but that all changed once I saw the blood that stained my wrist.
That was the last time I've ever worn short sleeves, even with the Miami heat.
Truthfully, I'm pretty fat, considering I weigh 95 pounds and I'm 5'7". I know that that's really big for my age, but I'm trying to work on that by caving in to the anorexia. Raising a five-year-old whilst being called fat every day, I gave in to the temptation. Adam and Joyce, his new girlfriend, tried to convince me otherwise, but I still kept my mouth close whenever there was food within twenty feet of me.
I didn't even reply back to the boy whom stared me down. Instead, I scrambled up and sped towards the end of the hallway.
Once again, I didn't make it out of there, because I felt a large hand grasp my right arm. After being yanked back, I whirled around on my heels, to identify whoever was keeping me from my little brother. And of course, to my luck, it was Austin Moon. Note the sarcasm.
He kept a harsh grip on my thin limb while staring me down. "Aren't you going to apologize for bumping your ugly ass into me?" His eyes glared into mine, and my breath hitched in my throat. I did my best to see what was behind his somewhat beautiful eyes, and I ended up seeing something I didn't plan to visualize.
Regret.
There's no way I'm seeing correctly. Maybe I'm having hallucinations too, and I just haven't caught it before.
All of the sudden, my vision blanked white. I felt my head hit something metal, and I fell to the ground with a soft cry.
I looked up, eyes watering and heart stinging, and saw all of them—excludingDez—laughing at me. Brad even kicked me in the rib cage, causing my hands to try and fend for myself as best as I could, but it didn't work so well.
I was sure that I would have a few more bruises, until Dez told the guys that their coach would get mad at them if they were late for football practice.
His eyes met mine and they glowed with a sympathetic glint, and it stayed that way until he turned around and walked away, straying away slightly from his friends.
I staggered up, my legs shaking with fear and I willed myself to not cry. Grabbing my backpack, I stumbled down the hallway and to the school parking lot, climbing into the truck and crying silently as I drove to Alex's school, which to be my old elementary school.
It hurts to revisit the place where it all began, but I learned to push it to the back of my mind, not wanting Alex to see my thoughts that appeared on my pale face.
After I picked up Alex from school, I drove over to the sonic boom, my part time job.
I've been working at the Sonic Boom for about 4 years now. Luckily, the family who owns it knows about my family, so they let me have a job there at an early age. They also let Alex stick around there while I worked, because there was no one at the house and I don't have enough money for a babysitter. And soon enough, Alex can start working at the Sonic Boom when he's twelve. Let's just hope that he can grow up quicker so he can help out with the bills, because Adam and I are barely able to pay for the apartment itself. Joyce sometimes lends us money to pay, but Adam refuses to let her do it most of the time.
I handed the change to the happy, young customer, then the trumpet she bought. I forced a smile and gave off a convincing positive attitude while saying, "Thank you for shopping at the Sonic Boom! Come again!" I kept on fake smiling until the customer was out of sight.
My fake smile immediately faded and I sighed. Oh how I wish I could be that happy naturally, but I guess that's not happening anytime soon.
What's it like to go home to a complete family? To walk through the doors and not classify it as a broken home that many wouldn't tread towards.
The little bell on the front door jingled, signaling that there was a customer. I looked up with another fake smile, and the same fake, cheery voice. "Hi, welcome to th-" I couldn't finish my sentence anymore, knowing whom the customer was.
There, standing just ten feet away from me, was Austin Moon.
"Bitch-Face? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the library reading one of those books that's the size of your ass?" No, he can't be here. This is the only place I can get away from people like him, and now, he's ruined the last calming place I know.
My smile began to need more force behind it, since it was easily turning into a frown. "How can I help you?" No matter how much I despise him, I still have to be nice to him. You know, because of the customer service policy?
"I wanted to get a guitar," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and wandering around the store. At least there's something about him that's positive—that makes seem real to me.
Suddenly, Austin's head whipped around to face me, and he started walking towards me.
Backing towards the edge of the counter as he came behind it, I swallowed the fear that never seemed to diminish.
Stepping closer and closer towards me, I did my best not to show my fright. "Is that a problem?" He asked me menacingly, coming to where our feet were touching. My body craned to where my back was bending against the counter, using my unstable hands to support me.
Just when I thought the worst was to come, something happened.
"Look what i made!" Alex ran up to me, showing me his drawing that he made with various colors. He pushed Austin away from me and held his picture right in front of my eyes, causing my head to flinch back a touch. "I drew all of us! There's me, Adam, Joyce, and you!" He pointed to each of the stick people as he said the names.
Joyce was Adam's girlfriend of now three years. She was a surgeon at the Miami Hospital and she's been like the sister—that I never had—to me. In other cases, she becomes motherly or she always uses logic to answer problems.
For the first time today, my smile was genuine. "That's a really good drawing, Alex! Good job!" I ruffled his hair as he beamed proudly. He really couldn't be more innocent. Maybe today could take a good turn.
And of course I had to jinx myself. Austin kicked Alex's feet slightly, causing him to stumble backwards, and began to talk. "Who's this, your kid? Oh who am I kidding—"
I slapped my hands over both of Alex's ears, knowing where this is going. There was no way in Hell that I was going to expose this to him.
"—who would want to screw you over? And if he was yours, then he would be uglier than the south side of an elephant." I looked at him, angrier than I've even been in a while. You make fun of me, all right. You make fun of Alex, you're going to regret it.
"Hey, shut up! Alex is my little brother! You have no right to talk about him like that! You're nothing but a pathetic, useless, cold-hearted jerk who doesn't even have the decency to say 'excuse me' when he bumps into someone! I don't have to take any of this crap that you've been giving me for the past eight years! What did I ever do to you to make you hate me? Huh? Well, let me answer that question for you: nothing! I have done absolutely nothing to make you hate me in any way whatsoever. Get out of here. Get out of the store, better yet, get the hell out of my life! I'm done with having to deal with someone like you!" My breathing pattern was unsteady and I didn't realize what I had said until I finished.
He…he was probably going to hurt me, right in front of Alex.
My jaw tightened. There was no was I was ever going to let him near my baby brother.
His facial expression…was priceless. Pure terror, defeat, surprise, and...hurt? No, he wouldn't have been hurt by it. He's been the one giving me nothing but crap for eight years, and this is the first time I've stood up for myself. He hates me, why would he be hurt by this?
He shoved his hands into his front jean pockets and stalked out of the store and off to who knows where. I don't know why, but I feel a little bit guilty. I was never supposed to stoop to the level of my enemies, yet I yelled at him, just like he did to me. The only reason I ever did it was because of Alex, so I guess that's a valid excuse to do so.
No, I shouldn't be feeling even the slightest bit guilty for him. He deserved every bit of it. Then why am I regretting it?
Stupid subconscious…
Thirty seconds later, right when realization dawned on me, I took my hands off of Alex's ears, then continued to work, trying my best to act like nothing ever happened.
The last customer just left with their guitar to probably go home with the family that they're blessed to have. I wiped the tear that shed from my eye with my thumb, not wanting it to be noticed by Alex.
Adam strolled in with Joyce, hand in hand, to check up on me and Alex, as usual. "Hey Gator, hey Al," he said, using those nicknames that we've had since the cradle.
Alex then ran up and jumped into Adam's arms; those two seem to have a special connection, probably from being brothers or something.
I wish I had that with someone.
Joyce walked up to me, preparing for the daily questioning. "Hey Ally, how are you doing?" Her voice wasn't filled with cheer and formality like when someone usually asks that question. Instead, it was filled with hope and concern.
You see, since Joyce is a doctor, so she knows about me. I'm not talking about me being just anorexic, I also have been cutting myself for two years now and I've figured out that I have some form of depression, but I still refuse to get help for it. I don't deserve it. Joyce is the only one who can get through to be, she truly is the best.
Just like Mom would've been if she was here.
"Today started out like any other day, but then it got better. But then, Alex drew a picture of all of us, so that was good." I ended with a half smile at the end, hoping that she wouldn't realize about my encounters with Austin. Joyce also knows about what he does to me, but just like Adam and I, she wouldn't even think about telling Alex about any of this.
Joyce smiled proudly and said, "see? I told you things would get better!" Then she high-fived me. She was also like my mom in many ways too, which I love about her so much. She has the enthusiasm of a sister, and the encouragement and support of a mother. I really hope that I could be like Joyce someday, she's, like, my role model.
Then Joyce's expression changed back into concern. "Have you done it recently?" I know what she's talking about: she means if I've cut myself since the last time I've seen her.
I've been getting cutting less and less lately, which is a good thing. The last time I saw Joyce was about two days ago, so I've cut myself about 3 separate times since then. Usually, I take the blade to my skin two or more times when I have the chance, which means that I have about ten new scars.
"Only about 3 times..." I lied, looked down, suddenly finding the floor interesting.
I felt Joyce's finger curl under my chin to lift up my head. When I looked up to meet her eyes, I saw her give Adam a nod, probably telling him to take Alex out of the room.
After Adam left with Alex, I refused to break down, once again.
Joyce took me into her embrace, wrapping her arms around me tightly, but my arms stayed stiff. I know what she's doing: she's trying to get me to crack. She wants to see my tears of pain roll down my cheek and make me release the pain in a healthy.
She stroked my hair soothingly, whispering things like, 'everything's fine,' and 'it's going to get better soon,' and 'you have to have faith that it's going to get better,' and, 'people love you for who you are, not what has happened.' The list kept on going and going.
But she's wrong. No one loves me. And if they do, it's out of pity and it's fake.
Joyce unwrapped her arms around me to set them on my shoulders. "Ally look at me," she demanded, and I complied.
I looked up at her to see that she was on the brink of tears. "You can't just talk to me about this. I know that every time a therapist tries to talk to you, you refuse to speak, but you have to do this for me. There are people in this world that love you, and they hate to see you go through this. I know that this Austin kid doesn't show it, but he would be devastated if something happened to you. I know I would be." I placed her thumb on her cheek to wipe a stray tear that leaked through.
I sniffled and fanned my face, not wanting to risk Alex seeing me like this. The kid's smart enough to tell tears from a movie scene and tears from something that happened to you…that's a bit scary. "Thank you Joyce…it means a lot."
The right corner shot upward, and she nodded her head. Then, the boys came back in as I locked up the store and made my way towards home.
And that, is chapter one. I know, it's pretty depressing, but it WILL get better soon! Leave me a review telling me your thoughts (positive and negative are accepted :D).
Question: Favorite color? Mine's either scarlet or blue.
That one Moment: When you're talking with someone and you both are on two completely different pages.
Quote By Me: "Why is the Earth a sphere? Because, what comes around goes around." Really, think about that.
BYE!