Hello beautiful people!
So this is my FIRST EVER fic written.
English is not my first language, so please bare with me, as you might just find a few mistakes.
Constructive criticism is always welcome, so please honestly let me know what you think and feel free to message me if you find any mistakes so I can correct them!
...Clarke left Camp Jaha.
She had no idea what to do or where to go, she just knew she couldn't be there. She just kept on walking, wandering around in the woods, didn't even look up to see which way she was going, she didn't care. But somehow she still ended up back at Mount Weather. She just stood there in front of that huge door, alone just like she was on that night. Only this time, the door was open. She wanted to feel angry and betrayed as she thought about Lexa. But she couldn't. There was no point. She understood her so much better now. They both saved their people at the cost of everything they held precious. Lexa by giving up her chance at a possible future with her and she, she sold her soul to the devil by pulling that lever. Her head was in a constant battle with her heart. She knew what she did was the best yet worst decision. Her people were free, but at what cost…
She was so empty, her emotions were shut down. She didn't even feel confused about being there. She didn't question her actions. She didn't care. The only thing she could do now was to ease her pain somehow, however that was possible. So she went in and took each body out, one by one and buried them around the mountain. It took her eleven days. She was exhausted, her hands and feet full of blisters and dried blood from all the walking and digging whit a shovel she found inside. She barely slept during this time, most occasions she just passed out. She hasn't cried. She felt like she didn't even deserve to, because why would she? What would crying over her actions resolve? Nothing... Nothing would ever make this right - she thought as she collapsed next to the huge metal door. She put her back against it and just sat there for hours, letting the demons in her head torment her. She was numb and she needed to feel the pain.
And then a dim light started showing on the horizon. She was looking at the fresh graves, scattered all around the mountain. Everywhere she looked, there was a dirt heap. But all she saw were burnt cadavers, children, elders, innocent people who were trying to help them. And look at the thanks they've got – she kept on punishing herself.
Eleven days have passed since she couldn't sleep. Whenever she did manage to, all she could see was the pain in Clarke's eyes before she turned her back on her. It was the second worst nightmare she's ever had. Eleven days have passed since her chest was heavy, it stung and she couldn't breath and tears were burning up her eyes. But she wouldn't give in. She needed to remain strong for her people.
She hated herself for what she's done. She had to betray the only person who knew her like nobody else, the only one who saw behind her stoic mask. But she didn't have a choice. As the Commander, she would make the same choice over and over again. But as Lexa... Well that was a different story and she couldn't afford to think about that right now.
The alliance with the Sky People was broke and the coalition of the 12 tribes was on a breaking point, since the Mountain Men were out of the picture. This was the worst outcome, but at least she freed her people and Clarke is alive – she took in a deep breath of gratitude.
It was dawning. The first rays of sunshine started to create shadows in her hut, as the sun started to crawl over the horizon. She finally had a motive to get out of there, since she couldn't bare putting her head down on her bed of furs. She didn't bother putting on her armor, she just grabbed her knife, a bow and a set of arrows. She walked as quickly as possible over to her horse, got on it and rode off in a hurry. Nobody dared question where she was going, but they didn't have to really. Ever since they got back from Mount Weather the Commander hunted for her own food.
This was her only escape. She couldn't ask for privacy all the time back at camp since she was in charge, things needed to be taken care of all the time. But this way at least she could get away from it all for a few hours. Although it wasn't something customary for the commander to be hunting, she didn't care. She just wanted to be free of it all, she wanted to be simply Lexa just for a little while. She wanted to be someone with feelings, not the heartless commander. And she hated this. It was all Clarke's fault. Ever since she confronted her that day in her hut things changed. She couldn't explain it, but it felt like something she held captive inside, freed itself and she didn't know how to get rid of it anymore. The last time she could fully control it was when she made that deal with Cage. And it was the worst yet the best decision of her life. Her people were free, but at what cost… Her people didn't notice, she was better than that, but she felt the struggle and it was consuming her. The fact that she went hunting every morning as soon as the sun came up was weakness enough for everyone to see. But nobody dared to talk about it.
She rode her horse as fast as she could. She was avoiding the Mount Weather area the days before, but now she needed new ground to cover, new prey to hunt on and truth be told, her conscious was in some desperate need of torture so she kicked her horse a bit harder this time to get to the location of her ultimate betrayal. She wasn't far.
The next thing she knows, her horse collapses and she's falling off. She hits the ground, hard and as she tries to get up, two strong hands grab hers pulling them back, the person kicks her in the legs from behind, forcing her on her knees and she's not able to move, this feels like an execution. And as she's raising her head full of pride she realizes that it is. On the hill in front of her sits the queen of the Ice Nation on her horse, bow and arrow pointed in her direction and she knows what's coming. So she makes pace with it as she closes her eyes and the last thing she thinks of is Clarke.
And in the next second excruciating pain fills her left shoulder and she can't hold it in, she screams in agony as the two strong hands let go of her, practically shoving her to the ground.
Clarke's eyes flip open at the sound of o scream. She's dizzy, she just closed her eyes a few seconds ago trying to make the images disappear and fell asleep. She was crushed from tiredness, but she jumped to her feet in a blink of an eyes. She could recognize that voice over a thousand. Lexa…
She started running down the hill, her legs burning, head heavy. It didn't matter. Maybe she was just hallucinating, maybe her mind is playing tricks on her. But that didn't matter either. She just kept on moving as fast as she could trough the deep forest full of bushes. She even fell a few times, scraped her knee and branches of bushes scratched her on her arms and face. But she couldn't stop now, she was racing down the hill until…
Her heart stopped for a second when her feet did as she saw Lexa lying on the ground, arrow in her shoulder, blood dripping. Then she started sprinting. She fell on her knees in disbelief, put her hands under Lexa's head, gently raising it. The Commander opened her eyes and the softest smile appeared on her face.
"Clarke" she said in the most peaceful voice Clarke has ever heard coming from her.
"Lexa what happened?" she asked panicked. Lexa's peaceful voice apparently didn't affect her.
"The Ice Nation's queen" she said, her voice cracking as she suddenly shot her eyes in pain.
"I need to pull out that arrow, hold on!" and she didn't even wait for a response, she put one hand over Lexa's chest pinning her down as much as she could, as she pulled the arrow out with the other and Lexa groaned as she bit her lips, trying to get over the pain.
"There, now we need to clean that wound. You're lucky the ice queen has a lousy shot." She tries to make a joke to hide the worry in her voice.
"Cleaning the wound won't help" Lexa said almost amused, but not really.
"What are you talking about?" Clarke looked at her confused.
"The arrow is poisoned. If she wanted to kill me quickly, I would be dead by now you can be sure of that."
Clarke looked deep into her eyes for a second, searching for something.
"Your fight is not over!"
Then without any hesitation she took Lexa's knife from the strap on her side and cut her shirt, removing the sleeve, exposing her shoulder. Lexa was startled. Clarke put her lips on Lexa's shoulder and sucked on the wound as hard as she could several times and she spat the bloody poison on the ground.
"Clarke stop!" she yelled at her. But she didn't and repeated the maneuver a few more times, until she could no longer feel the poison's taste just pure blood.
"Maybe that will do for now." Clarke said, still panicked.
"You want to get yourself killed?" Lexa looked at her anxious.
"Maybe, but you don't get to be freed of all of this!" she shouted, without realizing what she was saying. And the she just dropped her head as she looked away, apologetically because she wasn't not going to say those words. Lexa understood all too well, but there was nothing she could say. After a few seconds of silence Clarke came to her senses and wrapped the cut off sleeve of the shirt around the wound covering it, trying to keep it as clean as possible.
"We need to get you back to camp. You need the antidote." She said after she finished.
"Yeah." Lexa said, her voice weak.
Clarke looked around and it was just now that she saw the horse on the ground. Hope filled her lungs, but it vanished as quickly as it came. The throat of the animal was slit. She sighed, panicking again.
"You thought they were just going to let it live so I can ride back to camp?" Lexa asked, almost sarcastically. Clarke gave her an angry look, but to her surprise Lexa's lips pulled up into an almost invisible smile.
"Let's just go." she rolled her eyes, got on her feet and stretched an arm to pull Lexa up. Lexa grabbed her hand pulling and Clarke almost fell over her, barely able to keep her balance. Lexa just now noticed how worn out Clarke was, the dark circles under her eyes were almost frightening, her eyes were red from sleep deprivation and unshed tears. Now that she looked at her standing, she noticed how bruised and scratched and full of dried blood she was.
"Clarke…" that's all she was able to say, looking at her, eyes filled with remorse.
"Let's just go." She said yet again. Lexa picked up her bow and arrow set, slipped her knife back into its scabbard and started walking after the blonde girl.
They have been walking for maybe half an hour until they got off the mountain.
"We will need water." Lexa broke the silence. "There's a spring about a mile away." And she started walking, expecting Clarke to follow her.
"What are you doing? That's North, we need to take the shortest route which is South-East." Clarke exclaimed,
"TonDC can wait, you're exhausted" Lexa said concerned.
"I'm fine." she frowned. But Lexa already started walking and not in the direction the blonde wanted.
"TonDC is like 15 hours by foot!" Clarke yelled after her, but the brunette didn't stop or turn around. She rolled her eyes and followed her.
It took them another 40 minutes to get to the spring. Lexa knew this was taking too long, but Clarke was fatigued and she wasn't in the best shape herself. No, not at all.
Clarke was drinking when she heard Lexa collapse behind her. She sprinted over and panic took over her once again. She didn't even look at the girl whilst trying to get to the spring. Now Lexa was pale, her skin was sparkling from the sweat drops on her face. Clarke quickly checked to see if she's got a fever, but she was ice cold. She ran back to the spring, trying to accumulate as much water as possible in her palm, went back to Lexa, held her head up trying to make her drink. Unconsciously she did. After that, she quickly pulled Lexa up in a sitting position, practically dragged her a few feet over to a tree, she sat down with her back against it and held Lexa from behind trying to increase her temperature with a little body warmth. Just a few minutes – she thought as she let Lexa recover a bit, holding her gently in her arms as close as possible. It seemed like she didn't manage to suck out all the poison after all, so she knew they didn't have time to waste. But what could she do? She can't carry the girl, she's heavier than her, but even if she could, she was so tired and Lexa warming her slowly made her feel sleepy. As she was struggling to stay awake, Lexa jumped on her feet, pulling her knife out, holding it against Clarke's throat.
"Don't move! Who are you? What do you want?" the brunette asked, obviously confused and disoriented.
"Lexa, it's okay, it's me." Clarke said softly, gently putting her hand on Lexa's as she held the knife, trying to calm her, looking deep into her eyes.
Lexa dropped her hand holding the knife to her side, as she started looking around alarmed. Her tensed position loosened slowly.
"I'm sorry. What happened?"
"It's okay. You passed out, I think you're hallucinating from the poison. I thought I got it all out, but apparently it's spreading. We need to go, there's no time to waste. How are you feeling?"
"Like I was shot with a poisoned arrow." she joked around trying to calm Clarke down.
"Okay I can see your humor is back." the blonde replied sarcastically. "Let's go!"
They drank some more water before heading toward TonDC.
They were walking for long hours. The sun was now high on the sky. They had to stop several times. Lexa's hallucinations kept reappearing. She sometimes felt hunted, she was seeing people, hearing things. Sometimes she was tormented, things going on in her head, Clarke had no idea what, but she could see the struggle and the pain as Lexa bent over from time to time holding her head in her hands and screaming at the voices in her mind to stop. Clarke kept talking to her, trying every time to calm her down to remind her where she's at. Sometimes Lexa was physically trying to protest, getting aggressive, throwing fists at the blonde girl, even pulling her knife out. But she was weak now, weaker then Clarke, luckily for her so she could fight her off easily not wasting too much time and energy on that. But the black outs were taking longer every time and they were more frequent as the hours passed. Sometime Lexa was vomiting and she had trouble breathing. Other occasions she had seizures, most of the time she was confused and she definitely had an abnormal skin color, sometimes her nose started bleeding. But at least she was able to walk and Clarke was thankful for that. Still, they needed to hurry she had no idea what kind of poison Lexa had in her system. Nyko was more experienced in this area of science.
"We should hunt. You probably don't even remember the last time you ate something." Lexa said as she looked at Clarke from head to toe, suggesting she lost weight, in a moment of clear headedness.
"I'm fine." Clarke replied stubbornly.
"Clarke, you're not fine. You can barely walk. Let's stop, you need to gather some strength."
"Look who's talking." she spit back. "Fine. You stay set a fire and try not to wander off in your hallucinations, I'll go find something to eat." And with that said she took the bow and arrows from Lexa and she was gone between the trees.
When she came back she found Lexa lying on the ground next to the fire. She dropped the rabbit in her hand and ran over there, finding her unconscious. She brushed the hair from the girl's face, gently caressing her cheek and calling out her name. Lexa opened her eyes.
"I'm so sorry." Lexa said with a soft smile on her face and teary eyes.
"Don't be silly, I was just messing with you before." She said, apologetically.
"I'm so sorry." She said again. "I let you down and now I let her down." She said as a tear slowly streamed down her cheek. She was even more pale now, sweating harder, her eyes foggy and far away.
"What are you talking about?" Clarke asked confused.
"I never meant for all of this to happen. Please forgive me, Costia."
Clarke was startled for a second, but then she smiled at her and caressed the cheek of the brunette again. She didn't know what to say though.
"You would've liked her. She's kind and smart and brave, just like you. But she's as stubborn as I am." Lexa said with the most comforting smile on her face, eyes still teary. Clarke was blushing now. Lexa never ever told her how she sees her. All they were talking about before, was war and plans and the burden and responsibilities of leadership. She really didn't know what to say.
"I hate myself." Lexa continued her monologue. "I've lost both of you because of all of this. You're gone because of me." She said with the worst amount of torment Clarke has ever seen in someone's eyes. "And I swore I would never let anyone ever again be the victim of my position. But she's different and I found myself being more protective of her then I should've been." She continued with a sad smile.
Clarke was left speechless. She didn't know what to do so she just sat down behind Lexa, pulling her head into her lap, brushing the hair off her face again gently caressing her.
"I didn't have a choice." Lexa continued. "I betrayed her and I could never forgive myself. I lost her trust forever." She said with the same pain in her eyes as before.
"I was terrified I left her there to die… And I can't sleep, the nightmares are endless and she's taken over them." She said with a cracked voice, tears rolling down her face. Clarke thought about her own nightmares now, for the first time since she found Lexa. She could never escape them before.
"You really would've liked her." Lexa continued after a few moments of silence. "I think she makes me a better person. She forces me to see things." She said her voice getting weaker at the last sentence. Clarke kept on caressing her forehead this time, making soothing shushing sounds, trying to comfort her.
After a few minutes of silence she was positive that Lexa fell asleep, her breathing was deep and even, her pulse normal and this time her skin wasn't ice cold. So Clarke got up to prepare the rabbit.
Lexa woke up alarmed, after another nightmare, tormented by Clarke's face. She didn't know where she was for a second. Then she looked around and saw Clarke sitting next to the fire.
"Clarke…" Lexa said her name with a sore throat.
"Hey! Just in time, dinner is ready." She said with a hint of a smile on her face as she turned around.
"What happened?" she asked as she looked at the sky trying to find the sun. It was getting ready to set slowly.
"You passed out and fell asleep."
"For how long?" it was the first time she's had a fair amount of sleep in eleven days.
"Maybe 40 minutes. I bet you're hungry." Clarke said, as she got up and gave some roasted meat to her.
"I see you learned to hunt." She said teasing the blonde. "And you're not a bad cook either." she said, her lips pulling up in a tiny smile as she grabbed a bit and Clarke nodded in acknowledgement while eating.
When they finished, Clarke stamped out the fire and said.
"There's a spring nearby, you should drink." She helped Lexa up and led the way, the brunette following her.
"How far do you think we are from TonDC?" Clarke asked after a few minutes of walking in silence.
"We should be there by sundown." Lexa replied after she looked at the sun again.
Clarke was relieved to hear that, because once she thought about the fact that they've been walking since dawn she suddenly could feel the ache in every inch of her body, especially her blistered feet. They got to the spring in a few more minutes and boy were they happy to cool off their burning throats.
"What were you doing at Mount Weather?" Lexa asked Clarke as they kept on walking. The blonde suddenly stopped, dropped her head, eyes fixed on the ground. She just stood there, her face covered by her hair and she started shaking.
"Clarke…" Lexa slowly started walking toward her, feeling anxious. She didn't really know what to do.
"Hey…" she said in a soft voice, grabbing the girl's hand. Clarke looked up, her eyes empty, torment and remorse written all over her face. She couldn't bare it anymore, she couldn't keep it in any longer. She practically collapsed into Lexa's arms, clinging to her. Lexa caught her quickly, pain stinging her shoulder, but it didn't matter. Clarke started sobbing, freeing all of her bottled up tears, her chest burning, gasping for air like she's been holding her breath for the last eleven days, pulling on Lexa's clothes as she was trying to remain on her feet. So Lexa pulled her closer in a gentle embrace, not paying any attention to the growing pain in her shoulder, because this was the only thing she could offer Clarke. Apologies would never be enough, words would never help with any of this. So all she could do was to hold this broken soul as tight as she could, feeling her pain. Because she did all too well. They both sacrificed everything in this war and Lexa knew how broken the girl in her arms was. She knew she was desperate from the beginning to save as many lives as possible, to be the good guy. And now all her beliefs were gone, everything that made her who she was disappeared. And Lexa knew how that felt. In that moment they were one. Dwelling in the same pain, swimming in the same agony of their conscious, sitting in the same pit of despair, broken, empty, unable to move or to escape. A single tear rolled down Lexa's face as she closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath as if she was trying to suck out the suffering buried deep within Clarke, receiving it herself. They stood like this for a few minutes and when she slowly calmed down Clarke thought maybe she should be ashamed, maybe she should've had more pride. But it wasn't like that. Lexa was the only person who understood what she was going through and it felt somewhat comforting knowing she wasn't alone with this burden in the world. And she kind of wanted to let Lexa know that it's okay, that she wasn't mad at her anymore, that she understood her betrayal even if it hurt. She would've done the same thing. But once again, words were not enough and she knew Lexa felt the same way after today's events. So instead of saying anything, she opened up her fists letting go of Lexa's shirt that she was holding onto so tightly and she wrapped her hands around the girl, pulling her closer in a gentle embrace.
Lexa was startled a bit by this, but before she could react, agonizing pain rose in her shoulder and quickly taking over her whole body as she passed out again, turning into fluid in Clarke's arms.
Clarke froze in despair for a second while trying not to collapse under the sudden weight doubled on her. There was absolutely no more time to waist and they must have been close to TonDC. Oh please – she though as she wasn't about to give up. So she slowly turned around pulling Lexa on her back and started to limp more than walk, struggling to cover ground as fast as she could. But Lexa was heavy and her feet were burning up, not just because of the blisters, but her muscles were slowly giving in.
She covered a mile maybe more, she wasn't sure, but she was on a breaking point when she heard horse galloping in the distance. She didn't really know what to do. It could've been anyone, but what else could she do, she was exhausted, couldn't bear to take another step. The chance of Lexa's survival meant more for her right now than her possible death. But it was a good chance to take since presumably they were close to their destination. So she screamed and shouted in desperate need of help. And a few moment later she could hear the horses getting close and then she could see them at a distance between the trees. As they came closer she sighed kind of relieved, but not really. It was Indra with a few other warriors. They set out in search for their Commander since she's been gone for way too long.
"What happened Sky girl?" Indra asked her in an irritated voice, but with a concerned look in her eyes.
"Arrow shot to the shoulder, it was poisoned." She said quickly, suggesting there's no time to waist.
"Put her on my horse." Indra ordered one of her warriors, in english thankfully so Clarke could understand.
"No! I'm going with her!" Clarke blurt out. Indra gave her a deathly look, but didn't waste time arguing. So she commanded the warrior to give the horse to Clarke and after she got on it, he placed Lexa in front of Clarke. They rode off in a hurry and it didn't take them long to get back to TonDC.
When Lexa woke up from another nightmare, she was lying in her bed of furs. She was a bit disoriented. She looked at the ceiling of her hut and figured out it was dark outside. When she wanted to look around the first thing she saw was Clarke. The blonde girl was sitting next to her bed, her head lying on the side of it, she was sleeping, breathing deeply. She just realized when she saw it that Clarke was holding her hand.
She was thirsty and didn't want to wake her up. So she gently took Clarke's hand off of hers and slowly got out from underneath the furs, trying not to make a sound. She wasn't in a good shape, but she had worse.
She went over to the table on the other end of the place and she poured water in a rusty grail so she could calm down her sore throat. She drank while she was trying to remember what happened. She knew she was shot by an arrow which was poisoned. She remembered Clarke sucking out the poison. Stupid girl – she thought as she smiled slightly. She could remember walking off the mountain and going to a spring North. Then from there she could only recall eating a rabbit somewhere on a meadow and another spring somewhere closer to her location now. And then she remembered Clarke crying in her arms.
"You shouldn't be out of bed." Said a soft voice behind her back.
"And you shouldn't be sleeping on a chair." She replied with a gentle smile on her face as she turned around.
"Are you feeling better?" Clarke asked returning the smile.
"Well I can't really remember how I was feeling before, just the pain in my shoulder and it's fine now." She said, looking down on the bandaged, cleaned wound. "What about you? Since you're on a suicide mission sucking poison out of people?" she said ironically.
"Very funny. You could just say thank you." Clarke rolled her eyes at her. "Besides, Nyko said you have me to thank for your life. If I hadn't sucked out as much poison as I did, you would've not gotten away with only hallucinations and nausea."
"I was hallucinating?" Lexa asked raising her eyebrows in slight confusion.
"Yeah." Clarke replied quietly trying to hide something in her voice and she felt redness climbing up her neck so she got up quickly before it reaching her cheeks and she walked over to the table to pour some water for herself. "He still needed to give you the antidote to make you come around." She said whilst doing so.
Lexa didn't know what to say, because the most vivid memory in her head was that long embrace while Clarke was crying and that before she passed out the blonde girl hugged her back more tightly than she could ever hope for. So she just walked over to the other table and started looking over the maps covering it.
"I was there to bury them." Clarke said with no emotion in her voice, after a few moments of silence. It took Lexa a second to realize what she was talking about as she turned around to face her.
"That was nice of you." She said, not really knowing how to react, because once again, words were not enough.
"Yeah." Clarke sighed, eyes fixed on the ground. "I'll go down in history as the monster who buries her victims."
"You're not a monster Clarke." Lexa stepped closer. Clarke just kept starring at the floor.
"You did the most honorable thing by laying them to rest in peace." Lexa lifted up Clarke's head with gentle fingers on her chin, looking deep into her eyes. Clarke didn't feel uncomfortable, but she was a bit confused. Lexa's eyes were burning with something she couldn't explain to herself, but it comforted her.
"You don't even agree with our customs." Clarke said with a soft voice, holding the brunettes gaze.
"It's just tradition." Lexa said as she let go of Clarke and took a step back. "It doesn't matter what I think. The important thing for you to understand is that you felt guilty so you did something about it. Even though we both now it won't help in the long run. But at least you did something and not for you, but for them."
"And I bet now you think I was being weak." Clarke responded, not harshly, but Lexa surprised her with what she said and this was the first thing that came into her mind as she looked at the floor again.
"No I don't." Lexa replied and Clarke looked at her again. "I understand now that you will never look at certain thing the way I do. You hang on to your feelings and maybe that's okay. It makes you the person you are after all and I do admire you, Clarke" she looked deep into the blonde's eyes, features gentle, eyes soft.
"I guess we kind of complete each other that way huh?" Clarke sort of asked and hugged Lexa again. It really did surprise her this time, because for a second she stood still until she could comprehend what's happening. But then she wrapped her arms around Clarke and said. "Yeah, I guess we do."
They stood like that for a few long seconds as Clarke was breathing into her shoulder and she was breathing into the blonde's hair.
Lexa was the first one to break the contact.
"You should go back to camp." She said as he pulled away slightly.
"I'm not going back there." Clarke said, turning her eyes to the floor again.
"You need to. It's the only place where you'll be safe." Lexa said with a worrisome voice.
"What are you talking about?" Clarke looked at her once again.
"War is coming." Lexa said, with an empty voice this time.
"What happened out there?"
"The arrow was a declaration. They're coming for us. And I have a feeling it's not going to be the Ice Nation alone."
"What? Why?" Clarke asked confused.
"The Mountain Men are gone. There's nothing holding the coalition together now."
"Oh Lexa…" Clarke said with apologetic eyes as she suddenly understood Lexa's actions on the mountain even better now.
"It's fine." She said honestly. "But you should really go back to your camp."
"I'm not going back there." She insisted. And Lexa didn't need to ask why, she understood. So she just nodded.
"You want to stay here?" she asked the blonde and Clarke looked at her in surprise as if the thought had never crossed her mind. She just stared at her for a few long seconds and Lexa held her gaze.
"I'm not sure how your people would feel about that." She told the brunette, not really knowing what else to say, even though deep down she wanted to say yes. Lexa started to laugh, which shocked Clarke, she never heard the Commander laugh.
"My people probably respect you more than me right now." Lexa said amused.
"Indra has me fooled then." Clarke said with a grin, as she decided to join in on the fun.
"Trust me." Lexa said before she could stop those words coming out of her mouth. She quickly took a step back, dropped her eyes on the floor and turned to the table with the maps again. She wanted to take it back so badly, but there was nothing she could do right now, so she just studied the maps in silence. Clarke didn't get mad. She understood her all too well. It was the same position she was in before she sucked the poison out of Lexa's shoulder and she said you don't get to be freed of all of this.
She didn't want the situation to be awkward, it was never the case between them so she asked with a soft and gentle voice.
"So what's the plan?"
"I don't know yet." Lexa still unable to meet her eyes. "I need to have a meeting with my council tomorrow."
"Can I help?" Clarke asked and took a step closer. Lexa swallowed hard, still not looking at her.
"I want to help." Insisted the blonde, taking another step closer.
"Why would you want to do that after all I've done?" the brunette asked, her voice cracking.
"I've got a feeling that my people won't be safe from this either." Lexa was still looking at the maps.
"Right?" Clarke continued.
"That's a big possibility." she replied quickly.
"Look at me, Lexa." Clarke kept staring at her insistently. When Lexa finally looked at her, her eyes were full of emotions and her features were gentle and soft. Clarke was taking it all in. Tonight Lexa was just a girl with whom she was having on honest conversation. She knew that by tomorrow the Commander would return with her stoic mask put on. So she just kept staring at her, memorizing every inch of her calm face. And Clarke suddenly realized how beautiful and young Lexa truly was, just a broken girl, who was forced to grow up way to quickly, same as her. Lexa was holding her gaze, eyes burning, waiting on Clarke to continue. It took the blonde maybe even minutes to come to her senses.
"Okay so let's help each other out again." She said. "Let's face it, we did a pretty good job before." She smiled gently, making Lexa's lips pull up in one as well.
"You get to redeem yourself this time." Clarke laughed slightly, elbowing Lexa in a playful way, suggesting that she's completely messing with her. Lexa nodded in return, but not taking offense.
"You should get some rest." Lexa said.
While exchanging gazes, Clarke's tiredness did not skip her attention. The blonde girl was in way worse shape than her, she was still exhausted, the black circles even bigger under her blue eyes. Her cheekbones were more visible than before because of the weight loss and her skin was dry probably from dehydration.
"Go sleep in my bed, I have some thinking to do anyway." She pointed toward the furs with her head.
"Fine." Clarke said simply. She wanted to ask if it's really okay, but she was so tired all of a sudden that she just threw herself on the furs not even bothering to cover herself and she fell asleep instantly.
A few hours later, Lexa was still studying the maps and thinking about tomorrow's council meeting, when all of a sudden Clarke started screaming. Lexa quickly went over there to see that Clarke was having a nightmare. The blonde girl was tossing and turning, tears rolling down her cheeks, while mumbling stuff like level 5, radiation, bone marrow, torture, mom and she kept saying she's sorry. And then she was screaming again, so Lexa started shaking her slowly, calling out her name.
Clarke's eyes flipped open in a split second, searching, looking around, alarmed and disoriented.
"It's okay. You had a nightmare." Lexa said, as she stroke her cheek, drying off the tears. "Go back to sleep." She continued with a soft smile.
"Please… Stay here with me." Clarke said finally. And just as before Clarke, now Lexa wanted to ask if it's okay, but she was tired as well. So she laid down next to her, a few inches apart, after Clarke covered herself this time. She was just about to drift off, when Clarke turned toward her, lifted Lexa's hand, placing her head on her healthy shoulder, putting an arm around her.
"Go to sleep Sky girl." She said with a hint of a smile in her voice, as she put her arms around Clarke gently. "We have a war to plan tomorrow."
"Good night." Clarke said with a sleepy, smiling voice.
"Good night." Lexa said with an even bigger smile this time, as she realized the sun was coming up.
Just a little longer – she thought as she slowly fell asleep thinking about the council meeting.
In as long as they could remember, this was their first time sleeping without having any nightmares…