Disclaimer: Well, it's mine really, isn't it? Not Tolkien or New Line's!
Ha! But I spose Dobby and anything else from Harry Potter or Star Wars or
anything is borrowed, and not mine at all. Enjoy! Lol.
The Lord of the Ring-Pulls
Or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless Orcs
Chapter One- A Long Avoided Party
When Mr Bigblo Friggins of Frig End announced his upcoming birthday party, the general reaction of the local Rabbits was complete none-interest. Out of sheer desperation two days before the bash, Bigblo was forced to hire Gangwarf the 'wizard' and his troupe of Dancing Goblins as entertainment before anyone would even return their invitation.
This avoidance was not due to Bigblo being unknown throughout the Shy-er. In fact, his reputation preceded him. A reputation for being a snobbish toff with more money than friends.
This reputation spawned from a date sixty years previous when, for tax purposes (namely the avoidance of them) Bigblo had been forced to undertake an adventure with several disgruntled dwarves and an out-of-work wizard (Gangwarf, if you hadn't guessed) to separate a dragon from his ill-gotten riches. This adventure wouldn't be of any real interest to us (and still isn't to me) but for a chance thing that befell Bigblo (quite literally) as the company passed through the Mouldy Mountains.
As they passed through aforesaid mountains they were attacked by a party of D'orcs. Bigblo, displaying his race's usual tactics when faced with adversity, jumped off the nearest subterranean cliff and headed for the big neon sign marked 'exit'.
Now as he made his way down a dark, dank and dorky passage, he happened to find a solid aluminium ring-pull. Thinking he would use it to distract any D'orcs he might meet later, as they have the mindset of a three year old when it comes to shiny objects, Bigblo pocketed it.
Further down the passage Bigblo bumped into Dobby (no suing please, J.K.) a schizophrenic ex-Rabbit with some serious social issues. Dobby was having a very bad day; he had just lost his favourite Invisi-Ring-Pull. He and Bigblo decided to play a game of riddles (as you do in a pitch black cave with a complete stranger).
It was during a particularly difficult riddle ('give the full chemical name and formulae of all the acids that go into coca cola?'), when Bigblo happened to mention in passing he had found a ring-pull earlier. Dobby, who also had some anger management problems (that guy is every psychiatrist's dream come true), guessed it was his ring-pull, and attacked.
Bigblo, during his hasty retreat up the passage, decided to see what was so special about this ring-pull and put it on. He turned to face Dobby and found the little weirdo couldn't see him. Sneaking up behind Dobby, Bigblo was about to kill him when pity stayed his hand (it was a pity Dobby's skin was too greasy for Bigblo to get a proper stranglehold). So, instead, Bigblo tied the creature up with his own loincloth (not a pretty sight) and rejoined the dwarves on the other side of the mountains.
The rest of the adventure isn't really that interesting (Dragons! Giant Spiders! How boring!), so all you lot needs to know is that Bigblo eventually returned home to Rabbiton with a big bag of riches and several jealous neighbours.
Bigblo did manage to find some friends with his newfound wealth (the tax- Rabbit being one), mainly the younger Rabbits of the Shy-er who were easily impressed by large bags of gold, the foremost of these was young Fido Friggins, Bigblo's nephew, (by marriage, Bigblo assured everyone) who eventually became Bigblo's heir (to further enrage his neighbours, who in Rabbit legal terms would have got Bigblo's wealth when the old Rabbit popped his clogs, hopped the twig and pushed up daisies. Died, in other words).
*********
A few days before the party, Gangwarf the wizard arrived at Frig End with several crates of 'fireworks' (TNT, in the Common Tongue). After getting rid of the local Rabbit children who were requesting a fireworks display with some carefully aimed rocks, Bigblo and Gangwarf managed to get all the crates inside the Rabbit Hole.
"I see the locals have changed little since my last visit," said Gangwarf haughtily. "I had hoped you Rabbits would've learned some manners by now."
"Manners is as manners does" Said Bigblo, quoting an age-old Rabbit axiom. "But I know what you mean, Gangwarf. At least I'll have the pleasure of putting the wind up them before I get shot of this cul-de-sac for good."
"You mean to go on with your plan then?" Inquired the wizard, peering sternly at Bigblo over his cup of imported Ronan Eorl Grey tea.
"Well, duh. I'm not going to leave without telling them what a bunch of slack-jawed idiotic mush-for-brains rodents they are."
"Oh, don't mince your words, Bigblo. Tell them how you really feel." Said Gangwarf sarcastically.
"Ha ha ha, regular comedian, aren't we? I don't remember asking you for your opinion, you old fraud."
"I'll have less of that, Bigblo Friggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks and cheaper fees! I'm not trying to help you; I'm trying to rob you!"
"Say wha?"
Gangwarf's face paled.
"Did I say that or just think it?"
Bigblo laughed and surveyed his old friend. The wizard was robed in a tall sky grey hat and long blue cloak with a star spangled hemline around it's base and sleeves, while the hat had many strange annotations and symbols marked on it – the five pronged star, the circle of life, a deck of cards sticking out of the brim, as well as the terrifying symbol of tyranny known through all Middly-Squat Earth; the three little black circles of Walt Disney.
On the wizard's chest were written in the ancient dwarf runes: Wizard for hire. 50 groats an hour o.n.o. Finest children's entertainer in all Middly- Squat Earth. No refunds! Lastly, the sorcerer's feet were clad in an ancient pair of mouldy trainers, from the fabled First Age of Middly- Squat Earth, when Adidas still used the clover leaf symbol.
"You're looking a little more ragged than usual, Gangwarf," noted the Rabbit, "Children's entertainment not paying as well as you hoped?" "You may jest, oh ye of little, uh, height, but know that it is not I who is to blame for my lack of material possessions." Gangwarf rounded on Bigblo. "I'll have you know it's entirely your fault!"
"Moi?" said Bigblo as innocently as he could (which was about as innocently as a dog that's just been caught attacking the loo roll after getting ideas from the Andrex puppy).
"Yes, you. Remember that ring-pull you relieved Dobby of in the Mouldy Mountains?"
"Yeeeeees?"
"Well it turns out that the ring-pull is The One Ring-Pull, which, as you know if you listened in your history classes, was the most powerful magic ring-pull forged from the ancient Coke cans of old, and it was also the chief weapon of the Dark Lord, Saurondemort, in his reign of terror some two thousand years ago. Well, when Saurondemort was vanquished by King Asunder of Front-dor, we wizards all assumed the One Ring-Pull had gone the same way as Lord Lucan, out of all mortal knowledge. But apparently not. And now Saurondemort is back with a vengeance, drawing all evil and low creatures to him, including most of my Dancing Goblins, so now no-one will hire me, which is why I appear a little, ahem, shabby. The only thing that can stop Saurondemort is the destruction of the One Ring-Pull."
"Oookay," said Bigblo. "I hereby leave the Ring-Pull to Fido, and he can do what he wants with it."
"Wise move, short-stuff." Said Gangwarf. "We can tell him after the party."
"Correction. You can tell him after the party." Cackled the malicious old Rabbit. "I'm going to be as far away as mortally possible." And with that, he proceeded to go to bed, leaving Gangwarf with the washing up.
The next day was the date of Bigblo's party, and the local Rabbits, resentful as they were of Bigblo's fortune, couldn't resist a free nosh 'n' knees-up, and thus came in their droves. It was a good party, as Rabbit parties go. Plenty of lettuce, carrots and out of the way places for procreating baby Rabbits en masse, as well as a brilliant show by the remaining Dancing Goblins who hadn't been lulled back into Saurondemort's service, and Gangwarf's usual 'firework and scud missile' display was explosion-tastic, much to the delight of the Rabbits, who can't really concentrate on any sort of evening entertainment unless it is X-rated or self destructive.
Bigblo's speech, though, was a little unexpected.
My dear Frigginses and Coffins, he said (why he said it in italics is anyone's guess), My dear Crooks and Fastbucks, Mugs, Pugs, Noseblowers, Bulgers, Bighouses, Busybodies and Loudforts (LoudFARTS! Yelled a Rabbit from the crowd, who living up to his name and heritage, emitted a stinker at that very moment)
I hope you're enjoying my little bash. Cries of 'No' from everyone, as is customary at Rabbit festivities.
I don't really regret to have to tell you that this is the last party I am throwing for you foodbags in my lifetime. There was shocked silence from the crowd. The old stingy creep was insulting them! Bigblo proceeded.
Eleventy-One years is far too long a time to live among such brain-dead mindless yokels as you rabble are, so I can happily announce to those of you who want my money, that I am LEAVING! Leaving everything, that is, to my nephew Fido, so you can bother him from now on. Hasta La Vista, babies. I WON'T be back!
And with that he slipped on the Ring-Pull and stepped off the table, just as the twenty or so patriot missiles (and a few grenades for good measure) prearranged by Gangwarf detonated over the crowd.
The outraged Rabbits hit the dirt, giving Bigblo ample time to high tail it back to Frig End and be on his way quite merrily. He left the Ring-Pull gift wrapped on the mantelpiece, with a note to Fido that read: A little going away pressie from Uncle Bigblo. Enjoy!
Fido and Gangwarf, meanwhile, did not escape from the riotous mob of Rabbits baying for Bigblo's blood, and arrived back in Frig End roughly half an hour after Bigblo's departure, minus several pieces of material that had been ripped from their clothes by the irate Rabbits as they pumped Gangwarf and Fido for information concerning Bigblo's whereabouts.
Finally the horde had released Fido and Gangwarf, who stumbled back to Frig End nursing their various injuries. Fido bolted, barred and locked the door behind them, just in case the Rabbit mob decided to return.
Presently, Fido noticed the large gift wrapped box on the mantelpiece.
"What's this?" He asked the wizard, who had collapsed onto the sofa and was complaining loudly about a broken nail on his little finger (not actually a souvenir from the Rabbit lynch mob, it was caused by a particularly difficult-to-open fireworks crate, but Gangwarf wanted compensation for the lynching).
"Oh, that," said Gangwarf, disrupted from his cries of pain, "that's from Bigblo. A present for you, along with Frig End and the rest of his junk, uh, possessions."
Fido looked crestfallen. "He's really gone then. I thought he was going to come back tomorrow and the whole thing would turn out to be a tasteless joke."
"Yes, although that is something Bigblo would do (and has done, on occasion), I'm afraid he's gone for good this time." Said Gangwarf sombrely.
"Hmm?" said Fido who was busy tapping walls and biting gold coins to make sure they were real. "And did you say all of this belongs to me now?"
"Yes, but I wouldn't get too attached to it if I were you..."
"What? Why?" Asked Fido, as he hurriedly re-read Bigblo's will, "I don't have to give half to you, do I?"
"No, but soon you too must leave Rabbiton, and the Shy-er itself, if you wish to remain alive."
"What's that?" Said Fido, sure he'd misheard the crackpot conjuror.
"It is time, Fido, for you to open Bigblo's present." Said Gangwarf importantly.
The young Rabbit unwrapped the shiny package to find an old shoe box, lined with finest newspaper (the Guardian, natch), in the centre of which was a solid aluminium Ring-Pull. Fido picked it up and looked at it wonderingly. Along the edge, written in tiny letters, were the words: 'If found, please return to Saurondemort, 19 B'rad Dourif, Mordors-Less Windows. I may not kill you so much if you do.'
"But surely this is the Ruling Ring-Pull of legend!" Cried Fido, aghast. (Perceptive, isn't he?) "I thought it was a mere Invisi-Ring-Pull! How did Uncle Bigblo come by this thing?"
"It is an odd tale, full of pointless deeds and petty thieving, which I shall tell to you in full when you reach Chip'n'Dell." Replied the wizard.
"Chip'n'Dell? Why must I go there?"
"Well Fido, I've been doing a little research, and it seems Saurondemort wants to take over Middly-Squat Earth, but to do so, he needs the One-Ring- pull. Obviously, it would be a tad inconvenient if Saurondemort finds it, as we will all be enslaved and raped and pillaged."
"And?" asked Fido, wondering where this was leading.
"And, therefore," continued Gangwarf, "Someone must hide the Ring-pull from him. Someone so ill-suited to the job, Saurondemort would never suspect it. Someone short and not very brave or fierce, and with large Rabbit ears and a fuzzy little white Rabbit tail and large Rabbit feet. Get the idea?"
"Oh. Hey! You mean me!"
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock."
"Who said I'd do it? I demand a vote on the subject!"
"I voted for you Fido, and as I'm twice your size that's two votes to
one."
"But!..."
"You will need some companions, of course," said Gangwarf loudly over Fido's protests, "so I took the liberty of finding the three best, brightest and most fearless adventurers the Shy-er has to offer to travel alongside you."
Through a side door stepped the three most incompetent dunderheads in all the Shy-er; Smelly Fastbuck, Pipsqueak Crook and Lamb Gangrene.
"Sorry," said Fido, cleaning his ears with a cotton-bud, "I could have sworn you said 'brightest'. And anyway, why do I need these no-brainers if you're coming with me?"
"Ah, Fido... about that. I have to uh, go and do some, er, important Wizard things, so you'll have to pass through Edward-Wood on your own, and I'll meet you on the other side in the village of Brie. Ok? Well, look at the time! I must be off! Meet you in Brie! Oh, and Fido?" said Gangwarf finally, "Don't wear the Ring-Pull at all."
"Why? Will Saurondemort's fearful servants be able to sense the Ring-pull's presence?" asked Fido apprehensively.
"Well, I was more concerned about it turning your finger green, but yours is a good theory too." And with that the old magician shambled off into the night, and Fido was left alone with Rabbiton's answer to the Three Stooges. They set off at a slovenly pace, and by morning had managed to reach the Shy-er river. As this was about fifty feet from Frig End, Fido realised it was going to be a loooong epic.
The Lord of the Ring-Pulls
Or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless Orcs
Chapter One- A Long Avoided Party
When Mr Bigblo Friggins of Frig End announced his upcoming birthday party, the general reaction of the local Rabbits was complete none-interest. Out of sheer desperation two days before the bash, Bigblo was forced to hire Gangwarf the 'wizard' and his troupe of Dancing Goblins as entertainment before anyone would even return their invitation.
This avoidance was not due to Bigblo being unknown throughout the Shy-er. In fact, his reputation preceded him. A reputation for being a snobbish toff with more money than friends.
This reputation spawned from a date sixty years previous when, for tax purposes (namely the avoidance of them) Bigblo had been forced to undertake an adventure with several disgruntled dwarves and an out-of-work wizard (Gangwarf, if you hadn't guessed) to separate a dragon from his ill-gotten riches. This adventure wouldn't be of any real interest to us (and still isn't to me) but for a chance thing that befell Bigblo (quite literally) as the company passed through the Mouldy Mountains.
As they passed through aforesaid mountains they were attacked by a party of D'orcs. Bigblo, displaying his race's usual tactics when faced with adversity, jumped off the nearest subterranean cliff and headed for the big neon sign marked 'exit'.
Now as he made his way down a dark, dank and dorky passage, he happened to find a solid aluminium ring-pull. Thinking he would use it to distract any D'orcs he might meet later, as they have the mindset of a three year old when it comes to shiny objects, Bigblo pocketed it.
Further down the passage Bigblo bumped into Dobby (no suing please, J.K.) a schizophrenic ex-Rabbit with some serious social issues. Dobby was having a very bad day; he had just lost his favourite Invisi-Ring-Pull. He and Bigblo decided to play a game of riddles (as you do in a pitch black cave with a complete stranger).
It was during a particularly difficult riddle ('give the full chemical name and formulae of all the acids that go into coca cola?'), when Bigblo happened to mention in passing he had found a ring-pull earlier. Dobby, who also had some anger management problems (that guy is every psychiatrist's dream come true), guessed it was his ring-pull, and attacked.
Bigblo, during his hasty retreat up the passage, decided to see what was so special about this ring-pull and put it on. He turned to face Dobby and found the little weirdo couldn't see him. Sneaking up behind Dobby, Bigblo was about to kill him when pity stayed his hand (it was a pity Dobby's skin was too greasy for Bigblo to get a proper stranglehold). So, instead, Bigblo tied the creature up with his own loincloth (not a pretty sight) and rejoined the dwarves on the other side of the mountains.
The rest of the adventure isn't really that interesting (Dragons! Giant Spiders! How boring!), so all you lot needs to know is that Bigblo eventually returned home to Rabbiton with a big bag of riches and several jealous neighbours.
Bigblo did manage to find some friends with his newfound wealth (the tax- Rabbit being one), mainly the younger Rabbits of the Shy-er who were easily impressed by large bags of gold, the foremost of these was young Fido Friggins, Bigblo's nephew, (by marriage, Bigblo assured everyone) who eventually became Bigblo's heir (to further enrage his neighbours, who in Rabbit legal terms would have got Bigblo's wealth when the old Rabbit popped his clogs, hopped the twig and pushed up daisies. Died, in other words).
*********
A few days before the party, Gangwarf the wizard arrived at Frig End with several crates of 'fireworks' (TNT, in the Common Tongue). After getting rid of the local Rabbit children who were requesting a fireworks display with some carefully aimed rocks, Bigblo and Gangwarf managed to get all the crates inside the Rabbit Hole.
"I see the locals have changed little since my last visit," said Gangwarf haughtily. "I had hoped you Rabbits would've learned some manners by now."
"Manners is as manners does" Said Bigblo, quoting an age-old Rabbit axiom. "But I know what you mean, Gangwarf. At least I'll have the pleasure of putting the wind up them before I get shot of this cul-de-sac for good."
"You mean to go on with your plan then?" Inquired the wizard, peering sternly at Bigblo over his cup of imported Ronan Eorl Grey tea.
"Well, duh. I'm not going to leave without telling them what a bunch of slack-jawed idiotic mush-for-brains rodents they are."
"Oh, don't mince your words, Bigblo. Tell them how you really feel." Said Gangwarf sarcastically.
"Ha ha ha, regular comedian, aren't we? I don't remember asking you for your opinion, you old fraud."
"I'll have less of that, Bigblo Friggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks and cheaper fees! I'm not trying to help you; I'm trying to rob you!"
"Say wha?"
Gangwarf's face paled.
"Did I say that or just think it?"
Bigblo laughed and surveyed his old friend. The wizard was robed in a tall sky grey hat and long blue cloak with a star spangled hemline around it's base and sleeves, while the hat had many strange annotations and symbols marked on it – the five pronged star, the circle of life, a deck of cards sticking out of the brim, as well as the terrifying symbol of tyranny known through all Middly-Squat Earth; the three little black circles of Walt Disney.
On the wizard's chest were written in the ancient dwarf runes: Wizard for hire. 50 groats an hour o.n.o. Finest children's entertainer in all Middly- Squat Earth. No refunds! Lastly, the sorcerer's feet were clad in an ancient pair of mouldy trainers, from the fabled First Age of Middly- Squat Earth, when Adidas still used the clover leaf symbol.
"You're looking a little more ragged than usual, Gangwarf," noted the Rabbit, "Children's entertainment not paying as well as you hoped?" "You may jest, oh ye of little, uh, height, but know that it is not I who is to blame for my lack of material possessions." Gangwarf rounded on Bigblo. "I'll have you know it's entirely your fault!"
"Moi?" said Bigblo as innocently as he could (which was about as innocently as a dog that's just been caught attacking the loo roll after getting ideas from the Andrex puppy).
"Yes, you. Remember that ring-pull you relieved Dobby of in the Mouldy Mountains?"
"Yeeeeees?"
"Well it turns out that the ring-pull is The One Ring-Pull, which, as you know if you listened in your history classes, was the most powerful magic ring-pull forged from the ancient Coke cans of old, and it was also the chief weapon of the Dark Lord, Saurondemort, in his reign of terror some two thousand years ago. Well, when Saurondemort was vanquished by King Asunder of Front-dor, we wizards all assumed the One Ring-Pull had gone the same way as Lord Lucan, out of all mortal knowledge. But apparently not. And now Saurondemort is back with a vengeance, drawing all evil and low creatures to him, including most of my Dancing Goblins, so now no-one will hire me, which is why I appear a little, ahem, shabby. The only thing that can stop Saurondemort is the destruction of the One Ring-Pull."
"Oookay," said Bigblo. "I hereby leave the Ring-Pull to Fido, and he can do what he wants with it."
"Wise move, short-stuff." Said Gangwarf. "We can tell him after the party."
"Correction. You can tell him after the party." Cackled the malicious old Rabbit. "I'm going to be as far away as mortally possible." And with that, he proceeded to go to bed, leaving Gangwarf with the washing up.
The next day was the date of Bigblo's party, and the local Rabbits, resentful as they were of Bigblo's fortune, couldn't resist a free nosh 'n' knees-up, and thus came in their droves. It was a good party, as Rabbit parties go. Plenty of lettuce, carrots and out of the way places for procreating baby Rabbits en masse, as well as a brilliant show by the remaining Dancing Goblins who hadn't been lulled back into Saurondemort's service, and Gangwarf's usual 'firework and scud missile' display was explosion-tastic, much to the delight of the Rabbits, who can't really concentrate on any sort of evening entertainment unless it is X-rated or self destructive.
Bigblo's speech, though, was a little unexpected.
My dear Frigginses and Coffins, he said (why he said it in italics is anyone's guess), My dear Crooks and Fastbucks, Mugs, Pugs, Noseblowers, Bulgers, Bighouses, Busybodies and Loudforts (LoudFARTS! Yelled a Rabbit from the crowd, who living up to his name and heritage, emitted a stinker at that very moment)
I hope you're enjoying my little bash. Cries of 'No' from everyone, as is customary at Rabbit festivities.
I don't really regret to have to tell you that this is the last party I am throwing for you foodbags in my lifetime. There was shocked silence from the crowd. The old stingy creep was insulting them! Bigblo proceeded.
Eleventy-One years is far too long a time to live among such brain-dead mindless yokels as you rabble are, so I can happily announce to those of you who want my money, that I am LEAVING! Leaving everything, that is, to my nephew Fido, so you can bother him from now on. Hasta La Vista, babies. I WON'T be back!
And with that he slipped on the Ring-Pull and stepped off the table, just as the twenty or so patriot missiles (and a few grenades for good measure) prearranged by Gangwarf detonated over the crowd.
The outraged Rabbits hit the dirt, giving Bigblo ample time to high tail it back to Frig End and be on his way quite merrily. He left the Ring-Pull gift wrapped on the mantelpiece, with a note to Fido that read: A little going away pressie from Uncle Bigblo. Enjoy!
Fido and Gangwarf, meanwhile, did not escape from the riotous mob of Rabbits baying for Bigblo's blood, and arrived back in Frig End roughly half an hour after Bigblo's departure, minus several pieces of material that had been ripped from their clothes by the irate Rabbits as they pumped Gangwarf and Fido for information concerning Bigblo's whereabouts.
Finally the horde had released Fido and Gangwarf, who stumbled back to Frig End nursing their various injuries. Fido bolted, barred and locked the door behind them, just in case the Rabbit mob decided to return.
Presently, Fido noticed the large gift wrapped box on the mantelpiece.
"What's this?" He asked the wizard, who had collapsed onto the sofa and was complaining loudly about a broken nail on his little finger (not actually a souvenir from the Rabbit lynch mob, it was caused by a particularly difficult-to-open fireworks crate, but Gangwarf wanted compensation for the lynching).
"Oh, that," said Gangwarf, disrupted from his cries of pain, "that's from Bigblo. A present for you, along with Frig End and the rest of his junk, uh, possessions."
Fido looked crestfallen. "He's really gone then. I thought he was going to come back tomorrow and the whole thing would turn out to be a tasteless joke."
"Yes, although that is something Bigblo would do (and has done, on occasion), I'm afraid he's gone for good this time." Said Gangwarf sombrely.
"Hmm?" said Fido who was busy tapping walls and biting gold coins to make sure they were real. "And did you say all of this belongs to me now?"
"Yes, but I wouldn't get too attached to it if I were you..."
"What? Why?" Asked Fido, as he hurriedly re-read Bigblo's will, "I don't have to give half to you, do I?"
"No, but soon you too must leave Rabbiton, and the Shy-er itself, if you wish to remain alive."
"What's that?" Said Fido, sure he'd misheard the crackpot conjuror.
"It is time, Fido, for you to open Bigblo's present." Said Gangwarf importantly.
The young Rabbit unwrapped the shiny package to find an old shoe box, lined with finest newspaper (the Guardian, natch), in the centre of which was a solid aluminium Ring-Pull. Fido picked it up and looked at it wonderingly. Along the edge, written in tiny letters, were the words: 'If found, please return to Saurondemort, 19 B'rad Dourif, Mordors-Less Windows. I may not kill you so much if you do.'
"But surely this is the Ruling Ring-Pull of legend!" Cried Fido, aghast. (Perceptive, isn't he?) "I thought it was a mere Invisi-Ring-Pull! How did Uncle Bigblo come by this thing?"
"It is an odd tale, full of pointless deeds and petty thieving, which I shall tell to you in full when you reach Chip'n'Dell." Replied the wizard.
"Chip'n'Dell? Why must I go there?"
"Well Fido, I've been doing a little research, and it seems Saurondemort wants to take over Middly-Squat Earth, but to do so, he needs the One-Ring- pull. Obviously, it would be a tad inconvenient if Saurondemort finds it, as we will all be enslaved and raped and pillaged."
"And?" asked Fido, wondering where this was leading.
"And, therefore," continued Gangwarf, "Someone must hide the Ring-pull from him. Someone so ill-suited to the job, Saurondemort would never suspect it. Someone short and not very brave or fierce, and with large Rabbit ears and a fuzzy little white Rabbit tail and large Rabbit feet. Get the idea?"
"Oh. Hey! You mean me!"
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock."
"Who said I'd do it? I demand a vote on the subject!"
"I voted for you Fido, and as I'm twice your size that's two votes to
one."
"But!..."
"You will need some companions, of course," said Gangwarf loudly over Fido's protests, "so I took the liberty of finding the three best, brightest and most fearless adventurers the Shy-er has to offer to travel alongside you."
Through a side door stepped the three most incompetent dunderheads in all the Shy-er; Smelly Fastbuck, Pipsqueak Crook and Lamb Gangrene.
"Sorry," said Fido, cleaning his ears with a cotton-bud, "I could have sworn you said 'brightest'. And anyway, why do I need these no-brainers if you're coming with me?"
"Ah, Fido... about that. I have to uh, go and do some, er, important Wizard things, so you'll have to pass through Edward-Wood on your own, and I'll meet you on the other side in the village of Brie. Ok? Well, look at the time! I must be off! Meet you in Brie! Oh, and Fido?" said Gangwarf finally, "Don't wear the Ring-Pull at all."
"Why? Will Saurondemort's fearful servants be able to sense the Ring-pull's presence?" asked Fido apprehensively.
"Well, I was more concerned about it turning your finger green, but yours is a good theory too." And with that the old magician shambled off into the night, and Fido was left alone with Rabbiton's answer to the Three Stooges. They set off at a slovenly pace, and by morning had managed to reach the Shy-er river. As this was about fifty feet from Frig End, Fido realised it was going to be a loooong epic.