***The chance not taken***
"Alex, wait!" Sam hurried after him, with a certain eagerness in her voice. He turned round sharply, not recognising that the voice belonged to Sam. His eyes met hers, if only for a brief second. His normally sparkly emerald green eyes were a bitter green. She wondered what had turned them so bitter. Disappointment? Hurt? Jealousy? Love?
"Alex, I...." He looked at her impatiently. "I......"
"Yes, Dr. Kennedy?" he said coolly, and uncaringly.
"I think you're needed in theatre." His face dropped and she smiled to himself. What was he playing at? He acted so uncaring yet like he wanted something from her. "Oh and Alex?"
He paused on his way out, "Yes?" he replied, turning to face her. "Oh, nothing" Sam said, and smiled.
Sam sat down on the empty Holby hospital bed. For some reason she felt like crying. She knew that she had pushed Alex away and only she was to blame. She angrily wiped a tear from her cheek. She had to stop crying and stop feeling sorry for herself. But what do you do when the only person who can stop you crying is the one who made you cry? There was nothing in her power that could possibly bring him back. She could say, or do nothing, to make him change the way that he felt. He was devastated, and alone, and because of her he had spent months of his life in guilt, in mourning, and even a night in a prison cell. But despite all this, she somehow felt that they were meant to be together and she felt certain that they would find a way. Eventually. It would take time, it would take forgiveness, it would take apologies and most of all it would take love but she knew it would finally happen. She also knew that she loved him more than anything or anyone.
Sam knew that every look and every tone in everything he said to her was rehearsed in his mind to cause her the maximum amount of pain. And it worked. She felt more guilty, more alone, and more in love than she ever had done before. She had a decision to make. She could abandon Alex, and pursue a new life with Ric or whoever else won her heart, she could even decide to live alone, or she could not give up. She had to make a choice. What kind of relationship did she want her and Alex to have? What shocked and upset her the most was that she even had to think about it. She remembered the stolen kisses in the locker room, the nights spent together talking til the small hours of the morning, making love, being in love and sharing secrets, experiences. Sharing life and sharing their hearts. She would not give up. Sam knew that she would fight for the man she loved, and she would fight well. All this time she had tried not to think about it but that had only been ignoring the problem.
And yet unknowingly to her, Alex was walking from the Darwin Theatre to the canteen thinking exactly the same thing. He missed her, and loved her and wondered what he could try and do to win her back. But he'd let his initial feelings take over. His hurt and his angst at her betrayal. These feelings had eaten away at the feelings of love, compassion, strength and warmth he found in her and he'd hurt her. He'd hurt her in ways that he didn't even realise, and he knew that she wouldn't take him back. He couldn't ask her to, not after the way he'd jeopardised everything. "Pull yourself together, Adams" he hissed with annoyance. He passed the sign to Otter Ward. Victoria. Yet another thing he'd lost, yet that time through no fault of his own. He couldn't let it happen again. If he had a chance to save the love, he was going to do everything in his power. His feets pounded with rhythm on the way outside. He sounded and looked like a man on a mission, and laughed at his own foolishness. He headed to the car park, hoping to pop out and buy Sam an apology present before he was needed in theatre again.
Sam put one foot out over the curb and walked to the curb, heading for her familiarly parked blue car. She reached into her pocket for her keys and on doing so, dropped them on the floor. "Butterfingers!" she whispered to herself and smiled. Alex saw her delicately bend down to pick them up, and he saw the car spin round the corner. There was nothing he could have done. "SAM!!!!!!!" He screamed at the top of his voice. The vein in his neck was throbbing. 'Just an hour longer, please God' he whispered in his prayers. "I LOVE YOU, SAM" he shouted frantically. The words died on his lips like the single hollow sound of Sam's body hitting the windscreen. Had she heard him? He didn't know. "She must have heard me." He whispered. Had she said "I love you too"? Or was that just him imagining. He couldn't be sure. Sam had heard him. "I love you too. I've always loved you, I'll always love you. Please God don't let me die." She whispered so silently that she wasn't even sure if she'd said it out loud. And then everything went black. "Please God, don't let her die." Alex said, aloud. The hysterical tears began to start, and he began sobbing and howling like a child. Familiar faces from A&E had arrived and he was being pushed to one side. "Just wait here please, sir."
Every cell in Alex's body ached. He hated the waiting. He couldn't hack much of it, but the waiting he just couldn't stand. He had made a decision in his life to treat Sam the way he did, and now he knew that he would have to face the consequences for the rest of his life. Never knowing what would have happened if...He sat alone, with his face buried in his hands. He was just waiting for someone to come round the corner. "I'm pleased to inform you, Mr. Adams, that we've been able to save Sam." But no one came. Six o clock, seven o clock, eight o clock, nine o clock. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Then Ric came round the corner. His eyes were dampened with tears. "I'm sorry, Alex. We tried our best. I'm sure you know how our sympathies are with you. You can see her now, if you want?" Alex couldn't say anything, and found it hard to swallow. "Er, yes, yes. I'd like that." Ric led Alex into the hospital room, where Sam was lying. He started sobbing uncontrollably, and took hold of her hand. It was cold. He kissed it, and held it tighter, refusing to let go. He felt little beads of sweat and tears drip into a puddle on the floor. The door creaked and the familiar face of Owen appeared around the heavy door.
"I'm so sorry, Alex. I suppose it's the double loss which makes it harder" Owen smiled sympathetically at Alex.
"Double loss?" Alex looked confused.
"Well, Sam and the baby." Alex felt like his heart and just been stamped on. To lose not only the person he loved more than anything, but to lose his unborn child too.
"You did know she was pregnant?" Owen looked uncertainly at Alex. Alex shook his head. If only he had realised how he felt ten minutes earlier, when she had sent him down to surgery. Then none of this would have happened. He had an opportunity to change a life and save two and he didn't take it. He kissed his fingers and touched her lips, whispered how much he loved her, and put his head down across her stomach, near where his dead child lay. He closed his eyes, and soon fell asleep.
"Alex, wait!" Sam hurried after him, with a certain eagerness in her voice. He turned round sharply, not recognising that the voice belonged to Sam. His eyes met hers, if only for a brief second. His normally sparkly emerald green eyes were a bitter green. She wondered what had turned them so bitter. Disappointment? Hurt? Jealousy? Love?
"Alex, I...." He looked at her impatiently. "I......"
"Yes, Dr. Kennedy?" he said coolly, and uncaringly.
"I think you're needed in theatre." His face dropped and she smiled to himself. What was he playing at? He acted so uncaring yet like he wanted something from her. "Oh and Alex?"
He paused on his way out, "Yes?" he replied, turning to face her. "Oh, nothing" Sam said, and smiled.
Sam sat down on the empty Holby hospital bed. For some reason she felt like crying. She knew that she had pushed Alex away and only she was to blame. She angrily wiped a tear from her cheek. She had to stop crying and stop feeling sorry for herself. But what do you do when the only person who can stop you crying is the one who made you cry? There was nothing in her power that could possibly bring him back. She could say, or do nothing, to make him change the way that he felt. He was devastated, and alone, and because of her he had spent months of his life in guilt, in mourning, and even a night in a prison cell. But despite all this, she somehow felt that they were meant to be together and she felt certain that they would find a way. Eventually. It would take time, it would take forgiveness, it would take apologies and most of all it would take love but she knew it would finally happen. She also knew that she loved him more than anything or anyone.
Sam knew that every look and every tone in everything he said to her was rehearsed in his mind to cause her the maximum amount of pain. And it worked. She felt more guilty, more alone, and more in love than she ever had done before. She had a decision to make. She could abandon Alex, and pursue a new life with Ric or whoever else won her heart, she could even decide to live alone, or she could not give up. She had to make a choice. What kind of relationship did she want her and Alex to have? What shocked and upset her the most was that she even had to think about it. She remembered the stolen kisses in the locker room, the nights spent together talking til the small hours of the morning, making love, being in love and sharing secrets, experiences. Sharing life and sharing their hearts. She would not give up. Sam knew that she would fight for the man she loved, and she would fight well. All this time she had tried not to think about it but that had only been ignoring the problem.
And yet unknowingly to her, Alex was walking from the Darwin Theatre to the canteen thinking exactly the same thing. He missed her, and loved her and wondered what he could try and do to win her back. But he'd let his initial feelings take over. His hurt and his angst at her betrayal. These feelings had eaten away at the feelings of love, compassion, strength and warmth he found in her and he'd hurt her. He'd hurt her in ways that he didn't even realise, and he knew that she wouldn't take him back. He couldn't ask her to, not after the way he'd jeopardised everything. "Pull yourself together, Adams" he hissed with annoyance. He passed the sign to Otter Ward. Victoria. Yet another thing he'd lost, yet that time through no fault of his own. He couldn't let it happen again. If he had a chance to save the love, he was going to do everything in his power. His feets pounded with rhythm on the way outside. He sounded and looked like a man on a mission, and laughed at his own foolishness. He headed to the car park, hoping to pop out and buy Sam an apology present before he was needed in theatre again.
Sam put one foot out over the curb and walked to the curb, heading for her familiarly parked blue car. She reached into her pocket for her keys and on doing so, dropped them on the floor. "Butterfingers!" she whispered to herself and smiled. Alex saw her delicately bend down to pick them up, and he saw the car spin round the corner. There was nothing he could have done. "SAM!!!!!!!" He screamed at the top of his voice. The vein in his neck was throbbing. 'Just an hour longer, please God' he whispered in his prayers. "I LOVE YOU, SAM" he shouted frantically. The words died on his lips like the single hollow sound of Sam's body hitting the windscreen. Had she heard him? He didn't know. "She must have heard me." He whispered. Had she said "I love you too"? Or was that just him imagining. He couldn't be sure. Sam had heard him. "I love you too. I've always loved you, I'll always love you. Please God don't let me die." She whispered so silently that she wasn't even sure if she'd said it out loud. And then everything went black. "Please God, don't let her die." Alex said, aloud. The hysterical tears began to start, and he began sobbing and howling like a child. Familiar faces from A&E had arrived and he was being pushed to one side. "Just wait here please, sir."
Every cell in Alex's body ached. He hated the waiting. He couldn't hack much of it, but the waiting he just couldn't stand. He had made a decision in his life to treat Sam the way he did, and now he knew that he would have to face the consequences for the rest of his life. Never knowing what would have happened if...He sat alone, with his face buried in his hands. He was just waiting for someone to come round the corner. "I'm pleased to inform you, Mr. Adams, that we've been able to save Sam." But no one came. Six o clock, seven o clock, eight o clock, nine o clock. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Then Ric came round the corner. His eyes were dampened with tears. "I'm sorry, Alex. We tried our best. I'm sure you know how our sympathies are with you. You can see her now, if you want?" Alex couldn't say anything, and found it hard to swallow. "Er, yes, yes. I'd like that." Ric led Alex into the hospital room, where Sam was lying. He started sobbing uncontrollably, and took hold of her hand. It was cold. He kissed it, and held it tighter, refusing to let go. He felt little beads of sweat and tears drip into a puddle on the floor. The door creaked and the familiar face of Owen appeared around the heavy door.
"I'm so sorry, Alex. I suppose it's the double loss which makes it harder" Owen smiled sympathetically at Alex.
"Double loss?" Alex looked confused.
"Well, Sam and the baby." Alex felt like his heart and just been stamped on. To lose not only the person he loved more than anything, but to lose his unborn child too.
"You did know she was pregnant?" Owen looked uncertainly at Alex. Alex shook his head. If only he had realised how he felt ten minutes earlier, when she had sent him down to surgery. Then none of this would have happened. He had an opportunity to change a life and save two and he didn't take it. He kissed his fingers and touched her lips, whispered how much he loved her, and put his head down across her stomach, near where his dead child lay. He closed his eyes, and soon fell asleep.