In the middle of the Night

Simon Tam gritted his teeth against the pain in his leg as he pulled himself onto his bed, trying to keep the muscles that the bullet had torn through from wrenching. It had been a week since he'd been shot. He'd always thought that getting hit with a bullet was quick, over in a flash. But time slowed when you were shot and that moment was at once single instant and an eternity that stretched out forever as you felt every nuance of sensation that the bullet created. The biting sensation as it punctured skin and the horrible, tearing feel as it went through muscle and tissue. He was grateful that it had stopped short of splintering bone, it would be another two weeks before he could walk easily as it was.

He lay back against the bulkhead with a sigh as he straightened the limb, the pain lessening a little. He'd forced himself to take pain killers that would not make him drowsy, of course they were not nearly as good as the others and the pain was almost unbearable whenever he tried to walk. He drew in a shuddering breath, he could not afford to let himself fall into a constant drug induced stupor. He'd learned just how quickly an emergency could develop aboard Serenity and he needed to be ready. At least River was doing better, some sort of lucidity seeming to have returned to her with the new medication.

In the silence of the ship at night his hearing had sharpened until the background noises became audible, comforting in their unbroken familiarity. Behind everything aboard Serenity there was always the constant background hum of the engine, the rhythmic pulse of its rotations sounding like a heartbeat, personifying a ship that had come to mean so much to all of them. Above that there was the faint whirring sounds of the oxygen recyclers that he knew worked constantly from their place in the ceiling of his room, keeping the crew alive between planets. This was a hum that rose and fell alongside the levels of carbon oxides in the ship, maintaining a balance that would keep the crew alive. His thoughts vaguely sketched out what would happen to the crew should they ever fail and inevitably his thoughts drifted to the woman whose job it was to ensure that they did not. His thoughts always seemed to find an excuse to drift to her.

Kaylee, the woman who held together the ship had seemed on the verge of breaking apart ever since Early had stolen into their ship and held him hostage. He knew what the bounty hunter had threatened to do to her if he didn't co-operate. The haunted look in her eyes told him that he'd made the same threats to her. Her smile was gone, that was what had told him something was wrong from the start, now it was a pale, frail imitation of the one she used to give him. She had once relished his touch just as he had been thrilled at hers, now, she flinched away from him whenever his hand touched her, whenever anyone's hand touched her. Simon's first instinct had been to go to her, to wrap his arms around her and whisper words of comfort in her ear as he would have if she were River. But she was not, and whenever he found her alone, whenever he had the chance, thought broke the circuits of instinct and stopped him in his tracks. His knuckles were bruised from the dozen times he'd slammed them into a wall in frustration at his own ineptitude.

Soft sounds broke the rhythm of the ship, footsteps calling him from his thoughts, quite steps that crept toward his door, trying not to be heard. He sucked in a breath, panic making him forget the impossibility of another bounty hunter or any other attack coming so soon after the last as his hand closed on the length of pipe by his bed. Kaylee had left it there weeks ago and there it had lain, a half-metre length of steel pipe that would serve adequately to brain anyone who stepped around that door. He knew it was useless trying to get out of his bed but if he threw it, it could buy him enough time to do what? Something anyway. He held his breath as his blood roared in his ears alongside the thundering of his heart and pulled back the pipe, ready to hurl it like a knife at whoever came around the corner.

But before the footsteps reached his door a quite voice interrupted his wild thoughts of what could be waiting around the corner. 'Simon?' The pipe fell from his fingers to land softly amongst his bedding as a shock of recognition ran through him.

'Kaylee?' He barely recognised her voice. It was small, scared, so unlike her usual boisterous call.

She appeared at his door, hiding behind the frame so that only one half of her face peeked into his room, a single eye watching him. It held a look that tightened something in his chest, he'd seen River wearing that look sometimes, always after she'd woken up screaming, crying hysterically. He felt sick at the thought of Kaylee waking like that. He wanted to say something, to call her to him as he would have done if she were River, to wrap his arms around and whisper words of comfort into her ear. But as always he was robbed of speech, his mouth moving soundlessly as he tried to dredge up a call, a reassurance, anything.

'C'n I come in?' She whispered the words and for a moment he stared at her in incomprehension before nodding.

'Of course, I... what's wrong?' He tried to sit up straighter, a hiss of pain escaping his clenched teeth before he could stop it.

She walked in small steps, her gaze fixed on her feet as she wrung her hands, her agitation seemed to glow from her, his query remaining unanswered as she sat in the chair that was his only other piece of furniture but for a small writing desk. Nervously she smoothed the floral print tank top she wore, her overalls cinched around her waist by tied off sleeves, grease and dust smudged permanently into the material. She glanced at his leg and a nervous smile crossed her face, her eyes flicking away from him the moment that they met his.

'Your leg still hurtin' much?' It was too blatant an attempt to force conversation for Simon to recognise it as anything but.

'A little.' He lied before trying to force the conversation onto a path he knew it had to take for both their sakes. He tried to think of words that would not scare her from his side but the silence yearned to be filled and instead he found himself following a similar path. 'You're up late.'

For all its unimportance the comment sent a haunted look across her face, 'Couldn't sleep.' She said simply. For a moment it seemed as though she wanted to continue but instead a tense silence followed her words. Her hair fell around her bowed head as she lowered her gaze but Simon did not need to see her face to know the fragile, frightened look that it bore. So often of late she had been like this, sitting quietly, staring at nothing as the memories of that night replayed in her mind. She put on a brave face for the rest of the crew but there had been times when Simon had sought her out and found her like that before she noticed him and put on her act for him as well. Each time he saw her like that his heart constricted, this time was no different. Why couldn't things just go back to how they were, why couldn't she just smile again? He half reached out a hand to her bowed head, wanting to cup her cheek, to feel the warmth of her skin and bring her comfort. There was no choice here, he could not simply pass this off, he had to do something. Simple words formed in his mind, not much, but a start, his voice unsure but steady as he spoke.

'Kaylee, what's wrong?'

A tremble ran through her and from behind the curtain of hair the faintest hint of a sob for all she tried to stop it and it called his hand across the gap that in the past had always gone uncrossed. Before he realised what was happening his hand cupped her cheek, fingers threading through her luxurious chestnut curls, his palm pressing gently against her skin as he offered her comfort. Finally she spoke, confusion reigning in her voice. When had things got so tough to puzzle out? Time was all she had to worry about was keepin' Serenity breathing. Then not more' a week ago a man had come into Serenity's heart and tied her up, and said he'd do all manner of things to her if she didn't do just as he said. And she had, and she'd been so ashamed and scared and all the rest that she still couldn't get him out of her head.

Her eyes rose and she stared up at him, sniffing back a tear. 'I'm scared Simon. Scared like I didn't know you could be.'

A tremor ran through him for a moment, something halfway between guilt and rage flickering in his gaze. Simon hid the feelings that bubbled up inside him, for all the oaths he'd taken as a doctor, if he had had Juble Early in that room, he'd have strangled him with his bare hands. He pushed aside the rage and all the regrets over what he could have, should have done. Instead he settled for stroking her cheek softly, staring down at her as he tried to think of words to express what he felt, cursing himself for his lack of eloquence when it came to her. Clumsily he settled for, 'It's okay, you're safe here.'

She looked away from him even as her hands tightened on the hem of her overalls, twisting the knotted sleeves tightly, 'That's what I used to think too... Now I ain't so sure. I used to spend every night with Serenity, workin' on her engine to make sure she'd stay smooth an I'd fall asleep there, underneath her like she was a blanket or somethin'.' Simon let a small smile cross his face as he remembered the number of times he'd found her just like that, curled up underneath Serenity's steadily turning engine, her hands clutching in sleep the spanner they had used so deftly while awake.

'But I can't sleep no more Simon... every time I close my eyes I can see him waiting for me. Even though I know he's gone I'm still scared. He didn' even touch me more'n to tie me up but the things he said...' She shuddered, 'felt like all the bad stuff in the 'Verse had decided to come a'callin'. I ain't got more'n a wink a sleep this whole week an I keep on givin' Wash and Zoe the willies cause they say I'm screamin' at nights.' Guilt, grief, need to comfort her, they all flooded him, threatening to overwhelm him with their incomprehensible urges and he retreated behind his training as he had so often done, withdrawing his hand.

'I can give you a sedative if you like. It might help you sleep.' A look of pain crossed her eyes and he felt a stab of guilt. Stupid.

She glanced at his hand as he drew it onto the bed, grief in her eyes once more 'It won't work. I tried some of the stuff you gave me last time I couldn't sleep an' it knocked me out right enough. I still dreamt though, just meant that I couldn't wake up when things got bad. That's worse than not sleepin' Simon.' Simon felt a wave of helplessness fill him like a sickness, his hand curling into a fist as he struggled uselessly to try and think of some way to bring her comfort. There were dozens of drugs that would ensure that she did not dream as she slept but somehow he doubted that that would help any. This was not a problem that Doctor Tam could solve, Kaylee had come for Simon, not the doctor, but the person. But the revelation did not bring words to his mouth as he had hoped it would.

'Kaylee, I'm sorry... I...' She sighed, seemingly disappointed as she bowed her head to her chest, frustration raking at Simon as the grief in that sound broke his heart anew.

'Simon, you care for me?' The question stunned him for a moment, questioning something that for so long he had taken for granted.

'I... Kaylee, you know I do.'

Her eyes rose and she smiled at him, but it was a brittle, desperate look, 'Then please, let me know it's okay... I don't wanna be scared no more.' For a long moment nothing happened as she stared at him, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears, her body on the verge of shattering from the emotions that tore at it. A small sob shook her shoulders, breaking the smile and Simon felt an urge building in him as tears began to form in her eyes, everything he had learnt tried to push it down, everything she had taught him tried to pull it up. A tear slid from her eye and traced a delicate, shining arc down her cheek, he let her teachings win.

As though of their own accord his hands rose swiftly but gently to cup her face, Simon letting himself move before he had time to think of reasons not to, knowing that the only way now was forward. She sucked in a breath as he leant toward her and his lips suddenly found hers, a soft, gentle touch that lasted only a second. But for that second time changed just as it had when he had been shot, the sensations however, were something different entirely. It was over in an instant but for that instant he felt everything about her. The warm trails that marked the paths of old tears beneath the palms of his hands, the softness of her lips on his, the tiny blast of heated breath as it caught in her throat, the shock that stilled her beneath his kiss, all of them flashed through his mind, all of them were wonderful.

She watched him with wide eyes as he pulled back, the haunted look gone from them, surprise and a glimmer of wonderful hope staring at him. He spoke softly as his thumbs traced her cheeks, wiping away the traces of tears, the speed of the moment letting him speak as he wished.

'It's okay Kaylee. You don't need to be afraid anymore.'

Her lower lip trembled for a moment as she stared up at him and then suddenly her smile was back, her true smile, the bright, beautiful grin that had lit his life for so long. A giggle bubbled from her throat as though she were drunk and her hands shook as they rose to cover her mouth, new tears suddenly tracing a path down each cheek but the light of her face telling him that these did not need comfort.

'Simon... you just kissed me.' She sounded as though she were in a daze, staring up at him with something halfway between disbelief and incomprehension.

He misread the surprise in her voice, his eyes leaving hers as a scared look crossed his face, his hands suddenly leaving her as though they had been burned. 'I... I'm sorry... did... I thought...'

Her face fairly shone as she stared up at him, biting her lip in that adorable way she had to hold back the wild laugh that wanted to escape even as she watched him retreat back into himself in that way she found so endearing. But he had emerged, even if only for a second she had seen him, seen Simon Tam as a lover in all his glory and if he could be coaxed out once, he could be coaxed out again. She stopped his stumbling words by cupping his face firmly in her hands and crushing her lips against his as she rose from her seat, determined not to let such uncharacteristic openness go to waste.

This time it was he that was stunned by the kiss, a shock running through him for a moment as her heady scent wreathed his nostrils, shampoo mixed with the musk of mechanics. As she slowed the kiss, massaging his lips leisurely with her own he slowly relaxed, his arms hesitantly rising to encircle her, one wrapping around her petit shoulders as he let the fingers of his other hand run through her hair, he'd always loved her hair. She leaned over the bed her lips still moving against his and he pulled her gently with him as he leaned back against the bulkhead, passion starting to override the ingrained processes of tradition and "manners".

He ignored the pulse of fire that went through his leg as they both lay back upon his bed, his hands tangling in her hair as she straddled him, pulling his face up so that she could deepen their kiss. It was not passionate, simply loving, her lips moving softly against his, luxuriating in the feel of Simon's bare chest and the warmth of his arms as they circled her, only the thin fabric of her top separating them. It could have been a minute or an hour before she pulled away, her smile still firmly in place as she relaxed into his embrace.

She sat on his stomach, admiring the layer of muscle he'd developed since joining them aboard Serenity, his smooth skin bearing a tan and even a few faint scars as testament to the odd turns his life had taken in their company. Her gaze rose to his face and she allowed a girlish giggle to escape her lips as he stared up at her, something halfway between worship and fear in those eyes. She knew him well enough to know that he had absolutely no idea what to say now and the thought brought a new smile to her face. As he looked up at her the same exhilaration that filled her sent a thrill through him at the realisation of what they had just done and that he had brought the smile back to her face. Her real smile, the one that always seemed to light up the entire room. He found himself speaking again and for a moment panicked, what was he supposed to say. How was he supposed to tell her all that she meant to him?

'Kaylee, I...' He stopped, biting his lip nervously as his eyes left her face to search the ceiling for inspiration. Her eyes rose from his chest and she stared down at him, imploring him with her gaze not to shut himself out now, not now, not when they were so close.

'Don't Simon, come on. Say it, please?' The depths of her eyes became endless as he looked up at her, the yearning in her soft gaze echoing in her voice, the gentle tones pulling at him, drawing him onward.

Biting his lip nervously Simon began speaking slowly, unsure of himself. 'Kaylee I... I've never said this to anyone before... at least not in this way, so... so I apologise if I do something wrong... but... well I... I love you Kaylee, I have done for a long time.'

For a moment she hesitated before her eyes rose to meet his. 'You sure of that Simon? I'm the only one for you?' Her tone made it plain that her mind had drifted back to when his idiocy had made her think he only loved what was available, God how many times had he wished he could take back those words.

The thought that they could drive a wedge between them even now brought his insecurities flooding back, panic creeping into his tone as he hurriedly replied. 'I, yes! I mean... Kaylee I swear, I... that was so stupid of me to say... I was just...' Covering his face with his hands he surrendered to the inevitable and looked back up at her, apology heavy in his tone. 'I'm... I'm sorry, I'm just not good at this.'

She smiled down at him, that special, open smile of hers that let him look right into her soul and that gaze told him more of her feelings than her words ever could as she leaned down and kissed him once more. Sitting back up she placed the tip of her finger on his nose, her smile widening for a moment. 'Good enough Simon Tam, good enough.'

She clambered awkwardly off him as they separated, suddenly realising the pain that his leg must have caused him with a guilty smile. She lay beside him on the narrow bunk, smiling as he pulled her down to his side without a prompt from her, a little confidence in his movements as he let her smile fuel him. As she settled into the thin linen of his sheets she took in an appreciative breath, they smelled like Simon, sandalwood with a vague medicine scent the put a tang on his musk. She revelled in it as she ran her hands along his arms, muscled arms, how in the Verse had he got those? Not that she was complaining, she thought as his slim, powerful hands settled against her stomach allowing her to snuggle against him once more, her back cradled against his chest. Her hands covered his and she entwined her fingers with his as she spoke, a yawn interrupting her words as she leaned her head back into the crook of his neck.

'Can you say it again?'

He chuckled nervously before he schooled himself to silence in preparation, deciding that now that it had been said there was no point in letting his nerves rob his lips of the words again. Slowly his arms tightened around her as he leant down until his lips almost touched her ear.

'I love you Kaylee, I always have.'

She smiled smugly as though she had just won a bet with the universe and let herself burrow deeper into his warmth, 'I love you too Simon Tam. And for your information, that's the first time I've ever told anybody but my own kin that too.' He smiled, a blush colouring his cheeks and though she could not see it Kaylee knew it was there. He believed her, for all the stories that he had heard of her and her past exploits he knew that she had a heart that would not let her lie about something like that. He was the first person that she truly loved. He felt a foolish smile creep across his face at the knowledge before she spoke again. 'You ain't gonna be back to normal in the morning are ya? Getting all stiff an' the like?'

Hearing the softness of her voice he knew that sleep was fast approaching and answered in low tones, 'I'll try not to.'

She shifted, glancing back over her shoulder, 'Promise?'

He smiled, 'I swear.'

She stifled a yawn, the exhaustion of the emotions that had changed in her that night and the fatigue of two weeks without rest bringing sleep quicker than usual. Turning to face him she stared up at him through half-lidded eyes as she threaded her arms around his waist, laying her head against his chest. 'Simon?'

'Yes?' He replied softly.

'I don't think I'll be having nightmares tonight Simon...' Was the last thing the she said before sleep claimed her. She was right, she did not have nightmares, but she did dream. She dreamt her old dreams of a big, warm Doctor who held her at night and whispered in her ear about how much he loved her. Only this time, it wasn't just a dream.