I've been in the holodeck for two hours practicing saying words that have
been spoken countless times in human history. The words themselves do not
bother me; it is whom they are meant for. Tomorrow afternoon, at 1400, I
am going to marry Kathryn Janeway and her fiancé, Jeffan. The day we got
back from the Quarren haunts me almost as much as they day I got the news
about the Cardassian attack on Trebus. Kathryn called an impromptu meeting
of the senior officers. Fifteen minutes latter, we were all seated in the
conference, but Kathryn hadn't arrived yet. I was just about to call her,
when the door slid open and she walked in followed by Jeffan.
I was surprised to see him, figuring that he had already beamed back to Quarra hours ago. Memories of the last few days rushed into my mind, Kathryn telling me they were moving in together, how happy she seemed on the planet.
Kathryn glanced around the room and then began to speak, "I called you all here to make an announcement. Jeffan has decided to remain with us on Voyager. He has asked to remain a civilian, so he won't actually be a member of the crew. His expertise lies in computers. Belanna, do you think you could use him? "
"I'm sure I can find something for him to do," Torres answered.
"Captain, I think a welcome to ship party is in order, I can have something..."
I didn't really care what Neelix wanted to do to welcome this man to Voyager; all I knew was that he was only staying on this ship for one reason. He was staying for Kathryn, and Kathryn was letting him. That was six months ago.
With Jeffan in the picture, the time I spent with Kathryn all but ceased. Our weekly dinners turned into monthly lunches in the mess hall. The only things we talked about were related to the ship. I remember having to drag her to all those functions on the holodeck, but now, she goes willingly to every with Jeffan and I am the one hiding out alone in my quarters or in my office. She steals his replicator rations for coffee. Mornings on the bridge have become pure torture, looking at that stupid grin that has been plastered to her face, leaving no doubt what she was doing just a little while ago. At least her bedroom is located on the opposite side from our joined wall. I guess I should be happy for her, she has put herself under a lot of stress trying to get this crew home and she deserves a little happiness. But, I wanted to be the one who made her dinner, I wanted to be the one who took her to the party, I wanted to be the one who put that grin on her face, and I wanted to be the one who made her burdens lighter.
I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I've thought about leaving the ship more than once in the last six months. There is nothing left for me in the Alpha Quadrant, Tuvok can more than handle the administrative duties of a first officer, Kathryn doesn't listen to my judgment anyways, and Jeffan is the one she turns to when she wants to talk. I wonder if she would even miss me.
Looking back at it all, I wonder if Kathryn ever saw me as anything more than a friend. To me, Jeffan seems to be a lot like Kathryn's hologram, and even more like what she has told me about Mark. She seems to prefer the scholarly, down to earth types, not spiritual, angry warriors. Maybe everything that happened on New Earth was a just a matter of circumstance. After all, I was the last man on Earth. Hell, she could have been stranded with Neelix and they would have eventually pursued some sort of relationship. Every time I tried to get closer to her, she would shoot me down, citing that the ship has to come first. Maybe it wasn't the ship after all; maybe it was just I not being able to take a hint. In my darkest moments, I even think that Kathryn has been using my feelings for her against me, in order to get what she wants.
It's getting pretty late; I should probably go to bed. "Computer, End Program." The holograms of Kathryn and Jeffan disappear. Tomorrow, I can't just issue a command to make this go away. Tomorrow, I have to stab myself in the heart and say those awful words.
Jeffan and Kathryn Janeway, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.
At least I won't be the only one crying.
I was surprised to see him, figuring that he had already beamed back to Quarra hours ago. Memories of the last few days rushed into my mind, Kathryn telling me they were moving in together, how happy she seemed on the planet.
Kathryn glanced around the room and then began to speak, "I called you all here to make an announcement. Jeffan has decided to remain with us on Voyager. He has asked to remain a civilian, so he won't actually be a member of the crew. His expertise lies in computers. Belanna, do you think you could use him? "
"I'm sure I can find something for him to do," Torres answered.
"Captain, I think a welcome to ship party is in order, I can have something..."
I didn't really care what Neelix wanted to do to welcome this man to Voyager; all I knew was that he was only staying on this ship for one reason. He was staying for Kathryn, and Kathryn was letting him. That was six months ago.
With Jeffan in the picture, the time I spent with Kathryn all but ceased. Our weekly dinners turned into monthly lunches in the mess hall. The only things we talked about were related to the ship. I remember having to drag her to all those functions on the holodeck, but now, she goes willingly to every with Jeffan and I am the one hiding out alone in my quarters or in my office. She steals his replicator rations for coffee. Mornings on the bridge have become pure torture, looking at that stupid grin that has been plastered to her face, leaving no doubt what she was doing just a little while ago. At least her bedroom is located on the opposite side from our joined wall. I guess I should be happy for her, she has put herself under a lot of stress trying to get this crew home and she deserves a little happiness. But, I wanted to be the one who made her dinner, I wanted to be the one who took her to the party, I wanted to be the one who put that grin on her face, and I wanted to be the one who made her burdens lighter.
I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I've thought about leaving the ship more than once in the last six months. There is nothing left for me in the Alpha Quadrant, Tuvok can more than handle the administrative duties of a first officer, Kathryn doesn't listen to my judgment anyways, and Jeffan is the one she turns to when she wants to talk. I wonder if she would even miss me.
Looking back at it all, I wonder if Kathryn ever saw me as anything more than a friend. To me, Jeffan seems to be a lot like Kathryn's hologram, and even more like what she has told me about Mark. She seems to prefer the scholarly, down to earth types, not spiritual, angry warriors. Maybe everything that happened on New Earth was a just a matter of circumstance. After all, I was the last man on Earth. Hell, she could have been stranded with Neelix and they would have eventually pursued some sort of relationship. Every time I tried to get closer to her, she would shoot me down, citing that the ship has to come first. Maybe it wasn't the ship after all; maybe it was just I not being able to take a hint. In my darkest moments, I even think that Kathryn has been using my feelings for her against me, in order to get what she wants.
It's getting pretty late; I should probably go to bed. "Computer, End Program." The holograms of Kathryn and Jeffan disappear. Tomorrow, I can't just issue a command to make this go away. Tomorrow, I have to stab myself in the heart and say those awful words.
Jeffan and Kathryn Janeway, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.
At least I won't be the only one crying.