Reverse Psychology

By the Idiosyncratic Wordsmith

"Dude, seriously, just ask her already." Dave insisted. "You're almost a fucking grown troll and you're acting like a pissy little bitch."

"Shut the fuck up, you overbearing shitlord, I can't just walk up to her and ask her!" Karkat spat back. "Why don't you just go and ask Jane if you think it's so fucking easy?"

"OK, no, that is way less of a thing that would be smart and cool to do, even ironically." Dave responded. "Like I don't even know if that's a thing you can do ironically without being an asshole. Unless you wanted to be an asshole ironically. But I mean, that would make you even more of a hellacious flaming asshole."

"Great, I'm glad you've started realizing how much of a fuckwad you are." Karkat shot.

They had been going back and forth like this in the back of the spacious and open library, in the area normally considered to be for studying. Of course, this block was a class for most people, but Karkat and Dave had it off to hang out here in the library. Karkat signed up for Library Council duty because he loved reading, while Dave did so for ironic purposes - even though he doesn't care about reading at all it just made it more ironic for him to be responsible for the school's impressive and chill as fuck library. He and Karkat had only serendipitously signed up for the same free block to spend in the library, but the time together had made them both more bitter towards each other and also much closer friends.

Which, of course, was why they were now spending this block bickering about asking a date out to the upcoming dance while they stacked books, dave in his red Hero of Time zip up jacket and jeans, Karkat wearing his typical long-sleeved shirt and black jeans. They both had their crushes, and both had reservations about asking them. Dave just didn't want to "go out on the heartthrob limb for no reason", while Karkat was "aware of how to pick his battles". In other words, Dave was too chicken and Karkat felt like he was in over his head. And both of them were getting nowhere with getting the other to go forward with it.

"Yeah, I'm the fuckwad. You're the one who thought that leaving a secret admirer gift for a narcoleptic would be a good idea."

"OK, how the fuck was I supposed to expect her to pass out over some flowers? I mean, at least she didn't pass out for long..." Karkat ruminated while he crouched down to shelve some books. Dave deadpanned down at him.

"Some flowers? Dude, it was a fucking bouquet. How did you even sneak that into her band locker?" He questioned. Being the girl's best male friend, he knew all about it - she was going to store her flute in her band room locker when she opened the small compartment to find a dozen salmon-pink and red roses waiting for her. The tag was typed in nondescript font and was signed only "From Me". Naturally, she got pretty excited, and passed out in a narcoleptic episode. She was only out for a few minutes, but has been all abuzz about it ever since. She was such a romantic. But despite the fact that she was flipping more shit than Spongebob flips krabby patties, Karkat was still convinced she wouldn't be interested.

"I'm friends with a guy who snuck them in for me. Proxies, Strider, proxies. Just like a good hacker, I know how to use proxies." Karkat bragged. He actually wasn't sure what a proxy was in the context of computers, but knew what the word meant in general and had heard it used by hackers and computer people in the books and movies.

"So does Sollux know how to use proxies, or are you talking about another good hacker?" Dave shot back. Karkat paused his shelving to flip a bird at him silently.

"How about you quit taking cheap shots at me and actually be productive for once and shelve some fucking books?" Karkat inquired.

"Yo, sorry, man, I don't wanna risk alphabetizing them wrong. Besides, it makes you look good to be the one doing all the work." Dave pointed out, leaning back against the shelves and crossing his arms cooly.

"Look good? Look good to who? The only people are you and me, you ignorant bulgebiter." Karkat shot back. What kind of bullshit was this little shit trying to pull now?

"Try again, KK." Dave joked, smirking as he nodded his head forward. Karkat followed his gaze over, and saw Jade Harley and Rose Lalonde sit down at a table together. It looked like they were working on something - probably a test or busy work. They had AP Chemistry together right now, so it was probable that the scientific and mathematical genius of the class and her close friend woo'd the teacher (whom said close friend was the daughter of) to allow them to work in the library. Mutually beneficial, to be sure. The moment Karkat saw those midnight locks cascading down that white-and-blue tee, though, he froze up and nearly dropped the book he was holding. Immediately evacuating the bookshelves of his presence, he grabbed Dave and darted for the store room in the side of the library that the Library Council used as a break room (complete with a Keurig, mini-fridge, microwave, and stores of tea, coffee, and snacks).

"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE YOU FLIPPANT FUCK?" Karkat exclaimed in a hoarse, loud whisper.

"Dude, I literally just did. She walked in just a few seconds ago. You didn't confess to anything, don't worry. Your precious 'midnight mademoiselle' is still in the dark." Dave responded, mocking the pseudonym Karkat always gave her when writing in his journal - which was frequently raided by Dave, regardless of where in the library Karkat kept it hidden. Admittedly, it was filled with shitty poetry and bad drawings involving him and her. Why he even kept it in the library was beyond him.

"OK, but now what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't go back out there!" Karkat exclaimed quietly.

"Kar, it's not like she's going to destroy your self-esteem just by looking at you. You're friends. Good friends. I can personally guarantee she'd be happy if you walked over and started talking to her. You know how much she hates chem. She probably came down here to talk to you. Like, reverse psychology or some shit." Dave posited.

"I am pretty fucking sure that's not reverse psychology, Dave." Karkat pointed out.

"Pardon me for not being my freakishly bookish ectobiological sister. Now do you want my advice on scoring it with your girl or not?" Dave replied.

"OK, fine, what's your putrid fucking advice?" Karkat asked, blushing a bit at her being called 'his girl'. At this point, Dave was brewing himself some coffee in the Keurig. Karkat considered brewing tea but kicked the idea out of his head. This was hardly the time for Earl fucking Grey.

"Alright. Here's what you do. You go out there, and walk up to them. You take a big fucking breath, turn to her, and just ask." Dave instructed. His coffee was done, and he was sipping it hot and black. It burned his throat harshly and tasted bitter as literal shit. He hated coffee and hated hot drinks and especially hated burning his tongue and throat, but he did this every day. The things he went through for irony.

"That's it? That's your grand master plan? That's all the showmanship and grandeur you've got?" Karkat spat back. He was thinking of some great display. A big show for a big deal and all that. And yet now he was supposed to just… ask? What a fucking novel idea.

"If you try making a big show about it she's gonna pass out." Dave deadpanned, trying not to choke on the liquid magma boiling in his throat.

"You don't know that!" Karkat responded.

"Kar, she passed out over flowers. How do you think getting the marching band to perform for her will go?" Dave reminded. Karkat opened his mouth to respond, but immediately deflated, silently conceding the point.

"OK… OK. Fine. So… what, just go out there and ask her?" He asked. He was really just stalling for time, but hey, might as well be clear on a point that really doesn't beget clarification. Dave was so irritated by the stupidity of the question he actually lowered his shades a bit to show how irritated he was.

"Yes, Karkat. You go out there and ask the girl the question. I promise you she'll have to fight fainting because of how happy she'll be." Dave reiterated. Damn this coffee was hot.

"OK… OK, fine. Fine. I'll just… do that. Don't do anything stupid, or I swear I will fucking murder you, Strider…" He threatened. He really just didn't want this to go wrong. He stepped out of the break room and walked back into the study area. Rose saw him, sitting furthest from him, Jade with her back to him. Rose waved with a smile as he walked their way. He felt himself blushing worse than… something that blushes a lot. Fuck, he thought, Even my figures of speech are getting shy.

Finally, he reached the table. Jade looked up from her chemistry, pulling her earbuds from her ears, the sound of her favorite band echoing out of them before she paused her phone. She looked up at him with her emerald green eyes, smiling widely, happy to see her friend. She was always happy to see him. Yet he was no more used to the way that bright smile made his heart flutter and quake. She and Rose both looked at him expectantly.

"Hey, Kar! What's up?" Jade asked. Rose merely sat with a bemused smile, undoubtedly noticing the red on his cheeks. If she didn't know about his crush, he'd snort evaporated sopor slime. He steadied himself.

"I… uh… I was, um… Just wondering… well, I saw you two over here… well, you, I mean… no offence Rose, I -" He stammered. Rose merely giggled.

"None taken, Karkat. Say what you need to say." She led on. She was having all the fun here, no doubt. She liked seeing him squirm like this around Jade. The sadistic bitch.

"OK… OK… Jade… I… I was… wondering if… if you… if you would go to the dance with me…" He spat out. His mind was a flurry and a storm of insults and criticisms. But oh the fuck well, because he asked and it was out there and there was nothing to do but receive the judgment of her divine heart.

To his surprise, she blushed, giggled, and looked at Rose, who giggled heavily as well. Fuck, he was laughable, wasn't he? He deflated a bit, certain of his fate. Jade must've noticed this, because she immediately replied after he started turning.

"Karkat… you know it's a Sadie Hawkins Dance, right? As in, girls ask guys?" Jade reminded. Immediately Karkat felt like an overwhelming moron. He wasn't even supposed to ask her in the first place. That was it. It was one thing to be laughed at, but this would turn him into a laughing stock. Rose, however, piped up a bit.

"You know, this seems an awful lot like reverse psychology to me, Karkat. Have you been reading up on your psychology?" She inquired, smiling.

"Uh… what?" He stuttered back. What was she getting at? Oh… wait…

"You ask her knowing she can't respond, to get her to ask you so that you can respond. Very clever, I would say." She posited. Did Rose Lalonde just bail him out? Did he accidentally use reverse psychology? Does reverse psychology even actually fucking exist? He didn't care, because two emerald eyes were trained on him directly above a warm, flirty smile.

"Well… I guess it's working. I was gonna wait, but, while you're here… uh… would you… go to the dance with me?" She inquired. She was blushing even more. And she wasn't even mocking him - she was actually stuttering, even knowing he wanted to go with her. She was that unsure of herself. Wow, he thought, we really are more alike than I thought.

At that point, however, a scream filled the air - two screams, actually. One was a girl, the other a guy. Karkat turned around, and saw Dave Strider with a reddening face dripping with hot black coffee, and Jane Crocker with a bit on her as well, the cup on the ground. Karkat immediately ran over, Jade following, being the quick responder she was to emergencies like this.

"Dave? Dave are you OK?" Jane asked. The Crocker girl was wearing a Crocker Corp sweater which was darkened with coffee. Dave whimpered lightly, obviously trying to hide immense pain.

"Imokiswear." He shot out with no punctuation or pause. Obviously she couldn't tell how hot the coffee really was since it only lightly splattered onto her sweater.

"I'm so sorry, I was just in such a hurry, and… oh, golly, nevermind!" She gave up, putting hands to her mouth to silence herself. It was pretty evident she bumped into Dave while he was carrying his coffee, causing him to spill it onto himself. Karkat couldn't help but snicker at this while Jade just seemed relieved that he wasn't showing signs of anything more than first-degree, minor burns. Karkat walked up to his buddy and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

"Not your fault, Crocker. Dave here was trying to use some reverse psychology on you!" He explained. Dave looked over at him, saying nothing but asking what the hell he was doing with his eyes.

"I… reverse psychology?" She asked, confused. Rose was standing nearby, arms folded, her smirk still planted firmly on her lips. Jade, too, was confused, but Karkat continued as he walked away from Dave and intertwined his arm with Jade's, holding her hand. It was a boldass move but he was feeling bold right now - especially since he was embarrassing Strider. He went on.

"He wanted you to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, so he staged an accident to make you want to. I told him he didn't have to do anything stupid like that, but you know how adorably stupid he can be. Even when he's not even being adorable." Karkat explained. Dave looked like he was about to kill Karkat with the sheer force of his glare, but Jane brightened up and blushed heavily.

"Oh! Well, the funny thing is, well… that's… actually why I came here! I wanted to ask, well… if you wouldn't mind being my escort for the evening of the dance, I would be chipper as a chipped cup!" She invited, bubbly as ever. Dave smiled slowly, embarrassed and blushing under the burns, but thankful for the turn of events.

"Uh… y-yeah, sure. I guess. No biggie." He answered. The bell rung then, signalling the end of the school day. Karkat walked Jade back to her things at the table, still with locked arms and held hands. She looked at him after she had gathered her already orderly things into her bag and slung it over her shoulder, returning her hand to his as they walked out. She was smirking.

"Dave's not clever enough to use reverse psychology." She observed.

"Of course not. But I am." He responded.

"Right…" She said sarcastically, obviously not convinced, but not caring. He was so adorable when he was being confident. She hoped he would act that way more often. "You never did answer me, you know." She observed. He realized she was right, and smiled with a bit of embarrassment at her.

"It doesn't take a psychologist to know that my answer is 'abso-fucking-lutely', Harley." He answered.

"Good… otherwise it would've been really awkward for me…" She joked, giggling. He loved the way she giggled. He felt like he still had a bit of confidence in him, so he dared one last daring do, leaned over, and kissed her on the cheek. She blushed a lot, looked at him, and kissed him on the cheek much the same way. It was certainly a pleasant moment for them both, but sadly, it seemed a bit too pleasant for her, because as they were walking through the door to the library, she passed out in a narcoleptic episode. Karkat caught her, but in only a few seconds she was awake again. With no further incident, they walked out together, said goodbye, and parted. Karkat couldn't help but chuckle as he walked out to his car.

Goddamn did he love reverse psychology. Whatever the hell it was.