Fuck You Autocorrect

A Twilight Fanfiction
by PatchsFallenAngel

Characters: Bella/Edward

Rating: M

Genre: Angst/Humour

Summary: Autocorrect. We all hate it. Bella especially, after receiving a text from Edward. Caution: lots of swearing. Not suitable for those with a low tolerance for the "F-word".

Authors Note: I've already posted this story, but FFn took it down because the title and summary were too vulgar. So I took out the swearing, but I should warn you that this story has lots of swearing. If you don't like it, fuck off :)

Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. Unfortunately.

Having a great time. Wish you were her. –Edward.

Her? Who's her? Why is her not me? Why does he want me to be her? Is he with another woman? That's got to be the only explanation, right? I mean, he is on a business trip. What else do men do on business trips?

Their secretaries, my mind shouts at me.

Fuck you, bitch, I screamed at my brain.

Yeah, I have conversations with myself. Who doesn't?

Edward wouldn't do that to me, I concur. Not with his secretary. He's hot, blonde secretary with those soft pouty lips and legs that go on for miles…

Fuck, even I'm getting turned on just thinking about her!

I look at the text again.

Her.

Her.

Her.

Her.

Bing!

Another text.

Tanya's fucking crazy. Wish you were her so bad. –Edward.

He wants me to be crazy? As in more...adventurous in bed?

Like she is.

With him.

In bed.

I was adventurous. I mean, I wouldn't let him stick his cock in my ass, but I do...other things. Kinky things. Like handcuffs and spanking. Shit like that.

Like my mother told me during our sex talk: kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole damn chicken!

Needless to say, I had an aversion to poultry after our little discussion.

Bing!

I want a pussy. A small one. Yours is too big. –Edward.

Did he just call me loose?

I resisted the urge to punch him through the phone. If I have a loose vagina, it's his fault! Wanting to have sex all the time, pounding into me like there's no tomorrow…

My clit throbs.

I resist the urge to slap her too.

She'd like it too much.

Whore! I yell at her. Yeah, I talk to my clit as well. Fuck you.

Bing!

I need new hoes as well. –Edward.

Hoes? As in more than one.

Tears filled my eyes.

Edward, you are so dead when you get home, I thought to myself.

.

.

.

.

It was a while until my phone went off again. I was curled up on my bed, hugging knees to my chest, crying over Edward. Stupid prick couldn't even keep it in his pants for three days.

I sobbed hysterically as I looked at the newest message.

Trying out the bed. The stupid thong is confusing me? Why does it jiggle? –Edward.

Thong? Tanya's thong? Or maybe it's one of his other hoes'. And why does what jiggle? Her ass? Her flaps? I chock back a chuckle. And he had the nerve to call me loose.

Just under an hour later came, Why couldn't you be her? –Edward.

Again with the "her"! I'm going to tear out Tanya's breast implants and shove them up his ass when they get home tomorrow.

Call me? –Edward.

He wants me to call now?

Bella?

I didn't reply

Baby?

Now I'm baby? Fuck you Edward Cullen.

My phone starts to ring. A picture of Edward pops up on my screen along with his phone number. He's so god damn sexy.

Asshole!

I throw my phone at the wall.

Dickhead!

I pick it up and throw it again.

Bring, bring!

He's calling the house phone?

Motherfucker!

I pick that up to and throw against the wall. It joins my mobile in pieces on the carpet.

I cry myself to sleep.

Cocksucker!

.

.

.

.

The doorbell woke me up.

Disorientated, I walked over to the door and flung it open, prepared to tell whoever the fuck it was fuck the fuck off!

It was Jake.

Jake, who I've known since birth.

Jake, whose been pining after me since we hit puberty.

Jake, who would fuck me if I gave the okay.

I smiled at him seductively. Albeit, I probably looking like an extra from Shaun of the Dead.

Or more accurately, a hooker from Zombie Strippers.

Jake's eyes bulged. And not in disgust. He was aroused.

Maybe he was into that kind stuff...

I looked down.

Oh!

I smirked.

I was wearing my tiny gym shorts that were too small on me - my ass hung out of them, resulting in Edward getting a boner and me being bent over the couch in the living room. My man like ass. I grew angry as I remembered the text messages.

I focused on the fact that I had one boob had popped out of my tank top, under which no bra was seen. Only nipple. A fuck load of nipple. Perk, pink, erect nipple.

I looked up.

Jake was still staring.

I winked.

Jake almost jizzed in his pants.

I beckoned him inside.

He followed.

I pushed him down onto the couch, ripping off my tank top.

He eyed my tits like a 13 year old finding his dad's porno collection for the first time.

I straddled him.

A gasp in the doorway of the flat alerted me to the fact that I forgot to close the door.

I looked up to see Edward, he's expression one of hurt and rage.

I smirk.

Asshole.

Oh, wait. I've used that one.

I made a mental note to think up new insults.

''What the fuck's going on here?'' he demanded.

I jumped off Jake's lap, my clit cursing at me - the guy was hung like fucking Phar Lap and she wanted some of that - and walking over to Edward.

''What the fuck is going on here?'' I cried, flapping my arms about. ''What about in Sydney, you fucking son of a bitch?''

A new insult! I'll file that away for later use.

He seemed momentarily dazzled by my tits. I don't blame him. Their pretty spectacular.

''What about Sydney?'' he yelled at my boobs. ''I texted you, but you didn't reply!''

''You texted me 'I wish you were her' about three fucking times, dipshit!''

Good one, Bella, my brain cheered, waving her pompom's in the air.

''Here! I wish you were here!'' he corrected.

I went to reach for my phone when I remembered it now in a pile on the lounge room floor.

''Check your sent messages, douchebag.''

And he did. I watched his face go from angry to confused to shocked to...happy?

He was laughing.

Motherfucking asshole!

''I forgot to add the 'e' on the end of here?'' he explained.

''What about the pussy? And the hoes?''

''I have autocorrect on my phone,'' he said, calmly. ''I was talking about Roger. Ya know, that monstrosity you call a puppy? My phone must have thought I meant pussy. As for the hoes, I was talking about shoes. My old Italian leathers are worn the fuck out.''

As if on cue, good ol' Rog came hobbling out of my bedroom, his little tail wagging behind him, carrying one of aforementioned leather shoes in his mouth.

''And the thong?'' I asked, almost too scared to know the answer.

''I meant 'thing','' Edward explained. ''Stupid fucking auto correct!'' he mutter under his breathe.

I looked down at the ground, embarrassment coating my face.

''So you don't want me to use a whole chicken?''

''I don't even want to know what that means, baby girl,'' Edward smiled, pulling me into a hug.

A cough resounded behind us, effectively ruining this otherwise beautiful moment (if you ignore the fact that I was half naked and freezing my fucking ass off!)

''I guess I should go, then...''

Right.

Jake.

I smiled apologetically at him as he waddled out my door.

I'd waddle too if I had a cock that size ready to burst out of my jeans.

Gimme! Gimme! My ovaries screamed (yes, they can talk as well).

If Edward wasn't standing before, the epitome of perfection and sexgodlyness (totally a word), I'd be all over that shit like a bad rash.

Like I said before: hung like a fucking horse!

The door closed with a click and as soon as we were alone, Edward pounced.

Quite literally.

One moment I standing there with those tiny short on, the next I was naked and bent over the arm of the couch.

Told ya. These shorts were like fucking magic.

Pun intended.