Wolverine versus Fruit
It started out like any other day at Xavier's School for The Dramatically Challenged Actors (I mean mutants). Wolverine was slicing fruit in the kitchen with his claws and saying tough-guy things to the fruit. "I'm gonna make you pay, kiwi. I'm gonna make you pay for all those loooooong wasted years" Then he threw the hapless fruit into the air and splattered it into a million juicy pieces. Just then Iceman walked in.
A spray of juice was headed for his face so Iceman instinctively froze it solid. The tiny, sharp, frozen droplets collided with his face, many sticking into his skin and eyes. He shrugged.
"Makin' breakfast, Logan?" he asked genially.
"No…getting revenge. Fruit cost me everything. My whole life…wasted. Because of THIS!" he screamed, tossing up a tomato and shredding it into red ribbons.
"Isn't that a vegetable?" asked Iceman.
"Actually," Wolverine replied studiously, "scientists have found that the common North American tomato has more in common with fruits than vegetables, biologically speaking."
"Damn. My whole food pyramid has been lopsided all these years."
"You're tellin' me." Said Logan. "I nearly blew my brains out when I heard that almonds weren't a nut, but a fruit. And peanuts…damn legumes, every last one."
"So…how did fruit ruin your life?"
"Wha-?"
"Fruit…why do you hate it?"
"You know how these claws and my whole metal skeleton were put in by Nazi scientists in a series of horribly painful experiments that I mentally blocked out?"
"Ya-huh…"
"Nazi scientists ate fruit. If they hadn't, maybe they'd have gotten scurvy an' died before they did this to me."
"Yeah…" said iceman. "Goddamn fruit."
Wolverine just sliced a pear and scowled.