Well, seeing as how the world didn't end, I thought now would be a good time to (finally) release the sequel. Yeah, I know I said it would be out in two months but when you're living in the strange, alternate dimension known as college, you really don't have much time to write. Luckily, winter vacation started just a few weeks ago, allowing me to finally finish what I should have done months ago.
Anyways, I thought this day would be perfect to release the story, seeing as how today would be the Dawn of the Fourth Day in Majora's Mask terms. Link has obviously saved our world from... some kind of Mayan doomsday thingy... so I guess it's time to begin the legend of how Malon saves the video game universe from the nefarious Cloud.
I know it's probably been a while since most of you have read Malon's Epic Cow Delivery so I decided to include a synopsis to cover the major events that occurred. Of course, I decided that this would also be a perfect place to reveal a little bit more about the mysterious being known as Arc seeing as how he's going to be one of the main characters of this story. Hopefully, by the end of this, you'll get to understand him a little bit better... or not.
Either way, the wait is finally over and beginning of the Great Console War is at hand, both literally and figuratively (you know, seeing as how Sony and Microsoft are bound to release the PS4 and Xbox 720 to counter the Wii U any day now). Getting back to the topic at hand, get ready to witness a new line of hilarity and randomness! Epicness and insanity are waiting just around the corner! The is the beginning of one of the greatest legends ever! Behold! The Legend of Malon: Meme's Mask!
Okay, I'm done hyping all of this up. You can read the story now.
Journal Entry #8212
Subject: Legends
During my travels, I have seen (and sometimes helped perpetuate) some of the greatest legends of all the known dimensions. Unfortunately, most of these stories started off and ended on the exact same tone: a hero from humble origins is thrust into an epic adventure where they eventually discover their hidden strengths, meet new friends, and eventually defeat a dark overlord. After seeing legends like these over and over again, one could easily guess that I became bored of these run-of-the-mill tales. Now don't get me wrong, there were some "clichéd" tales that I truly enjoyed. The whole business with the One Ring comes to mind as I record this. I spent centuries working behind the scenes to put all the pieces in the right place but once I got the tale moving, it became a story for the ages. Heck, even that movie that the humans of dimension #41 made regarding that tale was surprisingly enjoyable (of course I did have a hand in the making of that movie so that might be the main reason why I liked it).
I'm getting off topic again. Anyways, it has come to my attention that I should record the reasons for that business in the video game universe before I set off once more. You see, in my past life, I was utterly fascinated by legends: with their majestic heroes, spectacular settings, and a grand outlook on life. And so, after getting bored with my current hobby of starting massive wars across the various dimensions, I decided to pursue my old task of finding and recording great legends. I started this journey with the great hope of seeing incredible feats and wonders everywhere I went. And yet, despite several millennia of travel, I could not find a legend that went beyond my expectations. Sure, I had quite a bit of fun with the various people and creatures I met along the way but none of those stories were truly remarkable. After another several millennia, I began to lose hope that I would find a tale worthy to record within this book. It seemed that the entirety of existence didn't have a single story to amaze the likes of me. Or so I thought.
Just as I was about to return to doing my true job, I stumbled upon a strange world that existed alongside the human world that I mentioned earlier (you know the one that made the LotR movie and made me their 845th world leader). Getting back on track, this dimension, which called itself the video game universe, was filled with strange… beings… that existed in possibly the craziest plane of existence that I had ever seen. Everything was wild, random, and, simply put, fun. Creativity seemed to be the focus of this world as everything strived to be new and original. Each new generation of these video game characters were all improved and had something new to offer… most of the time. Of course, as I continued my investigation, I learned there were those who opposed the popular belief. This opposing group believed that their world was all about money, ratings, and power. To them, the concept of creativity was pointless as long as they were praised and easily marketable by their gods: the beings of the human world. And so, these two factions engaged in a never-ending struggle to gain the favor of their gods.
As I watched, I could see that these differing beliefs could be easily manipulated to trigger an all-out war. After pondering about this for a while longer, I came to the conclusion that this was exactly the opportunity I needed to see the start of a great legend: a tale that would echo for ages untold. Of course, I knew I needed to give a little push to get things started, so I simply went back in their history and intervened every now and again until I ended up with the perfect scenario for a hero to appear in. All I needed at that point was a hero who wouldn't disappoint me. And as fate would have it, I soon found exactly the random hero that I was looking for. Her name? Malon LonLon. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Journal Entry #122112
Subject: Synopsis
Okay, so one of my alternate selves just told me that I should put the synopsis for the cow delivery part of Malon's tale. Honestly though, I really don't think I need to put anything here seeing as how most people would already know that part of the tale anyways. Besides, it's not like I'm going to show off this journal entry to the whole world or anything, right? Right? Oh, alright. I guess I better just listen to my other dimensional selves. The last time I didn't heed my own advice I accidentally let a Penguin-hat-wearing girl destroy the Netherworld. Yeah, that was pretty bad…
Anyways, I'm recording this as I'm riding in Malon's wagon right before I get her started on her adventure so just ignore the random things that appear on here. Even after having this book for who-knows-how-long, I still don't understand why it records everything that I'm thinking. I'm just glad that…
Oh, it seems like Malon just asked me a question. My name? Hmm. Arc Tenour sounds good. Get it? Because it's… Never mind. Okay now, let's get back to… No, wait. She just asked where I'm from. Hmm. I guess I should just avoid the question and give some kind of mysterious answer. There we go. Now I can finally get back to… Are you serious? She's still questioning me? What is this, the Hyrule Inquisition? Oh no. Looks like she's turning around to see why I'm not answering right away. Umm… I better think of some half-baked reason for not paying attention or she might be offended. Let's see now… Aha! I'll turn my book into a paperback novel and pretend like I was busy reading! It's genius! In fact, I'll go one step further and bore her to death by summarizing the imaginary story that I'm reading. Actually, I should just summarize her future legend for her. Of course, I'll probably have to make it sound really dull or she might start asking unnecessary questions.
…
You know what? I can't write out a synopsis in conditions like these. I'll finish this after I send Malon to the alternate timeline.
Journal Entry #122112.5
Subject: Synopsis… Again…
Okay, I managed to ditch Malon in the town Marketplace. Now I can finally… Holy… Is that what I think it is? It is! They actually sell pineapples in this world! Yes! After years of not being able to eat a single pineapple, I can finally…
Dammit book! Why would you record that? Now I sound like a complete fruit-obsessed idiot! And now it's recording my rant as well! Just great! Well, I won't finish this synopsis until I get an apology from you!
…
Okay, fine. You win. Besides, I need to get to the Temple of Time in a few minutes to send Malon back in time. Actually… I can just slow down time so I can write this synopsis and also buy a pineapple afterwards. That sounds like a good idea. Okay, there we go. Time is officially running at a quarter speed now. Now I can finally finish this…
Darn it! I forgot I have to clear out the Temple of Time before Malon gets there! And why the hell is my leg broken? Oh, right. I made it look broken so Malon would take pity on me and give me a ride. Okay, quick snap of a finger… and presto! Leg healed! Now to deal with those tourists. What would be the best way to clear out a place filled with people? Hmm… I could just summon that giant lizard monster called Godzilla in there to scare everyone away. Nah. Too much work. Let's see now… what's the one thing mortals can't resist? Money? I guess, but… no, they grow their money on plants here so that won't work. Addictive video games? Somehow I don't think that'd work in this world. Umm… Oh! I got it! Free food! I'll just set up a new restaurant and everyone will flock there like Hylians to a buffet! Okay, bad metaphor but who cares? This idea is genius!
Oh, right. The synopsis still needs to be finished. Okay, I'll try to make this quick. So Malon goes to deliver a cow to Link's house. On a side-note, the cow can talk. Anyways, they go on an epic journey battling assassins, crazy alternate-dimension usurper kings, and many more. Meanwhile, there's a bad guy named Cloud who wants to take over the video game universe because… well there's a reason behind it but it wasn't fully explained yet. Anywho, Malon and the cow (who's named Yuna by the way), keep breaking the fourth wall during their adventure allowing Cloud's fangirls to cross over to this world. Also I pop in every once in a while to make an awesome cameo. Nyan Cat also makes two brief cameos but that's not really important. Getting back to the point, Malon eventually reveals that she's the daughter of Din, the Goddess of Power. Gasp! Plot twist! Also, Nayru's a diva and Farore's a total party-pooper. Anyways, Malon eventually gets Yuna, the cow, to the treehouse and leaves. During all of this, Din stumbles upon Cloud's evil plan and teams up with none other than… wait for it… MASTER CHIEF! Gasp! Plot twist! And later, Din learns that the cow called Yuna is actually THE Yuna, like as in the Final Fantasy X Yuna! Gasp! Mega Plot Twist! Apparently, the Final Fantasy X division led an uprising against Cloud during the old war but was defeated, leaving Yuna the sole survivor. Also Cloud apparently decided to be a major troll and turned her into a cow and banished her into Hyrule. Not cool man. Anyways, the super team of Din, Master Chief, Yuna, and the Happy Mask Salesman (who's more or less Din's servant) learn that Cloud is after the legendary Meme's Mask, a weapon that allows the user to control the powers of the internet! So essentially, the mask turns the wielder into a human, which would be considered a god in the video game world and… ah, whatever. You get the idea. The Meme's Mask is powerful and whoever gets it rules the world. Yadda yadda yadda, you've heard all of this before. Back to plot relevant issues, it's revealed that Malon's Bowser pendant is actually the Meme's Mask in disguise. Din apparently found it years ago but couldn't activate the mask's powers. To prevent it from falling into the wrong hands, she cast a protective shield around the artifact to prevent anyone from noticing its energy signature and transformed it into a pendant which she then gave to her daughter. Also, Link's mom actually turns out to be Navi and she departs to the afterlife in the end. Anywho, Cloud eventually launches an attack on Nintendo after not being able to find the Meme's Mask. Meanwhile, Din secretly leaves Malon in the adult timeline to keep her safe from the war. But thanks to me, I… you know it's kind of weird writing down things that haven't happened yet. Eh, whatever. I already know what's going to happen anyways… somewhat. Ahem. Back to the story, Malon ends up back in the child timeline and all is fine and dandy… well, except for the war that's going on in the other Nintendo worlds. Yeah, that's not so great. As it turns out, Cloud's fangirls are preventing the Nintendo fans from helping allowing Cloud to rein havoc wherever he pleases. Also the "great" Nintendo General called back all of Nintendo's forces to protect the core worlds leaving the outer worlds to fend for themselves. Lucky for them, Meta Knight is on his way to save the day! Of course the last bit with the General and Meta Knight weren't in the original story but I thought a little background info for the beginning of the legend might be nice.
And that would be the synopsis of Malon's Epic Cow Delivery. Whew! I thought I'd never finish. Now then, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go build myself a buffet restaurant. After that, it's onward to pineapples! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY PINEAPPLES!
-Arc