Past and Present
Disclaimer- XP So there.
Dedicated to Otakumom, cause I want to.
She must have looked over herself in the mirror well over a dozen times that day. Making sure every hair was in place and that she looked perfect. Normally the automail mechanic didn't obsess with how she looked but this day was different. Today it was important. Winry took in a nervous deep breath as she fussed over her hair one last time. She honestly didn't know why she was nervous but mixed in with that was a completely different feeling. She couldn't help but wonder how she got to this point in her life. Wondered when everything had changed. She was happy, the happiest she could remember being. After her parents died and she had to watch her two best friends head off into one dangerous situation after another, it was difficult to be happy. Yes, after everything she'd been through up to this point, she deserved this day. An ironic smile graced her face as she realized he deserved this day too.
All that she'd been through, he'd gone through it just as much if not more. The past several years had been tough on them both. It brought sadness to her heart the more she thought about it. Even though everything had turned out okay, you should never forget the lessons of the past, no matter how difficult those lessons were.
oOoOo
Everything felt so dark. Completely hopeless. Over and over again, he went through the plan in his mind, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. His math was perfect, the measurements and equations infallible. Ultimately he determined it was him. He was the inaccurate factor. For hours he would sit in the old wheelchair Pinako let him use, blaming himself. This feeling of guilt was unbearable. He had to fix what he had done. He had to fix his brother's body. He had to. His dull gaze, once so bright for an eleven year old, shifted down to where his left leg should have been. The sight caused him to feel ill and he shuddered.
There was no way for him to do anything now. His hopeless mental state was mirrored by his now crippled body. The two things that he had always taken so much pride in were now shattered and he didn't know if he could ever pick up the pieces. The phantom pains, although agonizing at times were nothing compared to this utter sense of helplessness. If Al hadn't have been there, he would have bled out and a part of him wished his little brother had just let him. And despite how awful he felt, his little brother was now a hollow shell of the person he once was. The nights that Alphonse wasn't by his bedside, he would cry himself to sleep from guilt. He was suppose to protect him, and he had failed. Everything he felt now, he deserved. His heart ached in his chest and he just wanted to make things right again. But how? His gaze turned to where his right arm once was. Inhaling deeply, he told himself he had to stop thinking about everything. It was just too heavy for someone his age.
"Ed?" In the depths of his depression, the soft sound of his name being called was sweet. "You want some stew?" He didn't look up at her. In fact, he found it difficult to look anyone in the eye right now. He couldn't take the pity that he knew was there. And if it wasn't pity, it had to be anger or hatred. What he had done was the most selfish thing any person had ever done in the history of humanity. He just couldn't bare to look. The thought of eating was repulsive when he considered Al couldn't. He didn't deserve food, or sleep, or to even feel the gentle touch on his hand when Winry walked over. "Ed, you have to eat," she pushed. It had been three days since the failed transmutation. He was still deathly pale from blood loss. She honestly didn't know how he survived. He inhaled again, a sad mournful sound pushing from his lungs. It was all anyone had gotten out of him these days. He hadn't spoken to any of them and it was causing a strain.
The two of them were alone in the house. Al had gone with Pinako to get some groceries, determine to still be a help to the Rockbells. Ed turned his face away as she leaned down more to make eye contact. Finally she stood to her feet, clenching her fists at her sides. After several seconds of silence, her voice broke out but no longer was it soft and patient, she was upset.
"What is wrong with you?" He didn't response. "Do you honestly think you're the only one hurting? Grandma and I feel horrible about all this!" Her voice cracked through the tears as she tried to wipe them away. "And now what? You're just gonna sit there and not eat and just die?" She waited for him to speak up, to show her words made him angry, to show any emotion. But he just couldn't bring himself to that point. "I don't want to watch you die Ed. And what do you think it would accomplish anyway? To just give up. You think that's fair to Al? Do you think he wants to sit back and watch you just give up on everything?" Finally he brought his head up and looked her in the eye. Whatever emotion he thought he was going to find there, he didn't. She stared back at him, tears streaming down her face. The only thing he saw in her sapphire gaze was fear. She was afraid of loosing her friend to the abyss of anguish he was falling into. Afraid of having to stand by and not be able to help him. Afraid that he would forever stay broken.
"Winry...I can't..."
"Don't say that! You can do anything, I've known you my whole like, I know you can!" She wiped her running nose on her sleeve. "Edward, please," her voice came out soft again. "You have to for Al." Letting out a tired sigh, he nodded in agreement.
"Okay, I'll try," he spoke in a low tone that brought a smile to her face.
oOoOo
Carefully she walked down the dark hallway, her socks padding quietly on the wooden floor. Intently, she stared at the bowl of water in her hand, making sure not to spill it. It was late but she didn't care as she made it to the one door at the end of the hallway. It was cracked open slightly and she listened intently for the patient. She wondered if he was still awake. Sure enough she could hear him tossing in the bed and she shook her head sadly. As she pushed the door open further with her foot, she made her way over to the bed. Placing the bowl of water down, she sat on the edge of the mattress.
"Edward? Are you okay?" She lightly brushed his hair out of his face in order to check his forehead. The blond strands had gotten long in the past several weeks but cutting it was not really a priority. She noticed his fever wasn't any better. He strained to make eye contact with her.
"W...Winry...did you need something?" She could tell as with all their automail patients that he was still in a lot of pain. His left hand clutching at the sheets and how he was gritting his teeth, made it obvious. Especially after today when they had to attach his nerves and finish the protective casing around his ports. And tomorrow would be just as difficult when his metal limbs would be fitted for the first time. She had to give him credit though, he never complained about any of it. Of course she figured that had to do with Al.
"No, I was just checking on you." She started wringing out a damp towel before placing it on his head. He let out a tired sigh and his grip on the bed seemed to lessen.
"Th..thanks." He had tears in his eye but as always she didn't ask because she knew he didn't want to talk about it. He had already had so many breaking points where he swore he couldn't handle it anymore. His emotions were raw from the days progress.
"You're welcome. You should really try to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow." He nodded back with the faintest sound of a whimper and the tears broke loose from his eyes, sliding down his face. Part of him desperately just wanted a break from all of this. From the surgery, from the pain and guilt but he knew he had to push through it, no matter what. As Winry moved to stand, she felt trembling fingers pulling at her nightgown.
"You're not leaving...are you?" She had to blink several times before she could answer. He'd always picked on her as a kid so it seemed out of character for him to now want her company. Sitting back down she leaned over him again and those same fingers managed to get tangled in a piece of her hair that had fallen over her shoulder.
"I don't have to if you don't want me to."
"I just want you to stay till I fall asleep. If that's okay. I...I just don't want to be alone right now." And just like that, as much as he had been a bully at times, her friend was still a little kid who didn't like being alone in the dark. In any normal situation this would be the perfect moment to tease him, but she just smiled back and nodded.
"I'll stay. As long as you want me to." This request would quickly become a habit for the next couple of nights during his recovery time.
oOoOo
"Edward, you're such a jerk!" He heard and turned just as a wrench flew from her hands but missed his head by inches. "You have no regard for my work, MY BEAUTIFUL WORK!"
"You're being ridiculous. I can't help it if it breaks, yah know." He could tell she was loosing patience. To her, he acted like he got special treatment or something and could just call on her when he needed her to fix his arm or leg.
"No, if I wanted to be ridiculous I'd just take my work away and give them to someone who would appreciate them." She was sitting on the floor in front of him, looking over his leg. Her threat apparently got through as he thought about it for a second.
"You wouldn't really do that, would you?" He received a glared back as she realized she liked this new power to will over him. Finally after so long, she let out a sigh and waved her hand back and forth.
"Of course I wouldn't. Besides I already threatened that you were stuck with me anyway. Once a threat is made, I can't take it back." He released the breath he was holding and finally smiled back.
"Good. Of course that goes both ways, yah know. It means you're stuck with me too." After all he could be much more annoying and stubborn then her.
"Thanks for the reminder." She went back to her work.
oOoOo
The shock alone could have knocked him off his feet as he stared at her. How hadn't he'd seen her standing there? How could he have said the one thing he didn't want her to know right in front of her so carelessly. The look on her face was enough to cause his heart to ache. He would have never meant to cause her this much pain on purpose but here they were, in a back alley in the middle of a fight with Scar. She wasn't suppose to be there, why was she? Everything had happened so fast and before he knew it Scar ran off and his brother was quick to follow. He would have pursued but his jacket was snagged on something or rather something was pulling at him, desperate for his presence.
He'd never seen her cry like this before. As she leaned into him, he knew he had to stay there with her, being the reason for her grief. He placed his arms around her as she shook and wailed loudly into his chest. He felt so helpless, unable to make any of this better for her. She didn't deserve this. Sure she occasionally got mad at him and would throw a tool here and there but even so, she was so innocent and pure. He never wanted to drag her into any of this mess. At some point in between the sobs he found himself hushing her and taking off his red jacket to place it around her trembling shoulders.
"It's okay Winry, I'm right here."
oOoOo
When was it that she realized she was falling in love? It occurred to her on the way back to Rush Valley. He'd always been there for her. Held her as she cried over the death of her parents for the hundredth time like it was the first. Had protected her from the man that had killed them. Protected her from her own desire to kill. Everything that he was becoming made her want to be with him as much as possible. Even when he didn't call or write or when he made her so angry, she found herself thinking about him more and more.
But this was just one sided. He would never feel the same way. Part of her wondered if he ever thought about anything like romance. Always so focused on their goal to get their bodies back. She had always admired him for being so determined to get Al back to normal and yet it very well could be that focus that kept him from thinking about her. She wondered what would happen once it was all over with. If they accomplished their goal and showed up on her doorstep back to normal, what would happen then? Then...he wouldn't need her anymore.
oOoOo
He and Alphonse had finally been released from the hospital once they were both able to head home. The entire time he'd been laid up, his thoughts had wondered. They could all have a normal life now. Of course life had been so hectic for so long, he wondered what was normal anyway. It was not the first time these thoughts had come to mind. And whenever he thought about heading home, Riza Hawkeye's plaguing words would come back to haunt him.
"You really like Winry don't you?" How had she been able to figure something like that out? He had never had time for that kind of thing. Of course now as he made his way home with Al, he found that was all he thought about. He and his younger brother had spoken about it a little. Even if he didn't know what normal would be like, he knew he wanted her to be part of what was left of his life. He knew she'd be waiting for them and he found himself looking forward to seeing her. Of course he knew she would probably just cry. But if that happened at least they would be tears of joy.
oOoOo
It had been two years since that day had passed. Alphonse had already left for another journey while Ed stayed behind in their home town to help with things around the house before he too was going to leave. And now she sat with him at the station, waiting for the train that would take him away from her again. She hadn't gotten the courage up to tell him how she felt. They had become so close these past two years that she was afraid of ruining it by declaring her undying love.
Just calling it undying confirmed that he would probably just laugh at her anyway. Trying not to think about how long he was going to be gone, she began reminding him of all the maintenance for his leg, like he didn't already know. Something about the conversation seemed one sided to her though. He was distracted for the first time she'd known him. Was it the journey ahead of him or maybe he was thinking about how long it had been since they had heard from Al.
The train slowly came to a stop at the platform and she rose to her feet. As he moved to board, something she had said caused him to stop and turn back to her. The look on his face was so serious, you'd think he wasn't going to come back. She never could understand why he couldn't get out what was so obviously bothering him. The next thing she knew he was yelling something about equivalent exchange and half of his life for half of hers. It was as if he'd lost his mind. He hadn't even been able to do alchemy for awhile now, so what was he talking about? And then it hit her and she didn't know what to say either. By the end of her spontaneous gibberish, he was holding his sides laughing back. Once he was finished being amused by her obvious embarrassment, he hugged her like he never had before. There was a silent promise in their embrace that made her smile even more.
She knew the day would come when he would come home to her and never leave again.
oOoOo
The house was dark and quiet at this hour. Everyone was determined to get plenty of sleep this night as tomorrow would be busy. There had been months of planning and everything was ready, people had come in from all over the country. Earlier this evening had already been eventful at the rehearsal dinner. There had been time to catch up and even a running joke about how many visitors thought the groom was going to get cold feet and bolt by morning. And now everyone was sleeping, well everyone but the one person who probably needed it the most. She sat on the couch in the living room. Not wanting to wake anyone else up, she kept the lights off. Tomorrow was an important day for her and she should be excited but right now she was feeling kind of sad. Den had wondered over to her, placing his face on her knee and sympathizing as he stared up at her. There was the sound of a door opening upstairs and she turned towards the staircase as someone made their way down. She already could tell it was him, as his uneven feet hit the first stair. Glancing around, Edward caught sight of her and made it over to the couch.
"Couldn't sleep either could you?" As he leaned down, she noticed the faint grin spread across his face. He knew her too well sometimes. Finally he turned and took a seat next to her. "Well tonight was nice though, wasn't it? Of course everyone making their stupid jokes bout me wasn't funny." She just shook her head back as she brought her chin lower. It was obvious she was upset about something. "Hey, are you alright? You're not that worried about tomorrow are you, Winry?" He leaned forward and tilted his head some to the side, causing his hair to fall over his shoulders.
"No it's not that." She wrapped her arms around herself and sniffled some. He hated it when something bothered her and he didn't know how to fix it. And what made it worse was that she didn't always tell him what was bothering her. It drove him to be impatient which caused him to get a tone. He'd been working on it but sometimes he still got easily annoyed.
"So, what's wrong?" Letting out a sigh, he leaned back and brought his arm around her shoulders.
"I was just thinking, it would have been nice if my parents were here for this. It would have made them happy, that's all." Her voice came out in such a small tone that he had a hard time hearing her.
"Yeah, I know. But still they would have wanted you to be happy too." She turned towards him, fresh tears staining her perfect face.
"Don't you ever think about your mom?" Ed's mouth pulled into a thin line as he brought the back of his thumb over to wipe her tears away.
"Course I do," He released another tired sigh before adding, "I guess I've always had to strong about it, for Al. I think our parents wouldn't want us dwelling on the past." His hand moved up her face and he brushed her long blond hair over her ear. Finally she leaned into him more, placing her head under his chin.
"I know." They sat there for several minutes in silence before she giggled softly to herself. Her fiance glanced down, arching a curious eyebrow. "So you are going to show up tomorrow?" He brought his head back on the couch and let out an annoyed sound from his throat.
"Not you too. Besides this whole thing was my idea." She laughed at him even more.
"Sure you're not gonna claim you're leg's not working right or something like that?" An ironic grin crossed his face and he gave her an almost mischievous look.
"You're the one who gave me a leg to stand on, so it'd better work." She tilted her head some at the statement.
"That's kind of a weird thought but I guess if you hadn't had it for all those years we'd never have gotten to this point."
"Hah, so if I do run, that's your fault too."
"That's not fair. Don't think I won't come after you." Ed's other arm came around, bringing her closer and he leaned his forehead against hers. There was no rebuttal as they sat again in silence.
"You're the reason I'll be standing there at all, I could never run from this. I'm right where I want to be and it's all cause of you." She quietly reached up to rub her eyes as his explanation had caused her to cry again. "And you wonder why I don't say nice things like that to you. It always makes you cry." His tone was sarcastic but there was some truth in the statement. Reluctantly, she pulled away from his embrace and got to her feet.
"Come on, we both need to go to sleep and if Granny finds us here tomorrow morning, she just might kill you." He let out a nervous laugh as he stood as well but knew she was right.
Tomorrow was going to be a hectic day.
oOoOo
"Pst, Winry, it's almost time. Are you ready," Paninya called to her. She could have sworn she was blushing and didn't understand why.
"Coming." She hurried to the stairway. She almost couldn't think straight as she somehow made it to the bottom of the stairs without falling and was now standing in front of a pair of double doors. There were so many people there that she recognized from over the years. Friends and co-workers from Rush Valley, people she'd grown up with from town, friends from Xing, and a whole back section of military personnel. And then as she came further down to the front, she saw him standing there, waiting for her. He was glancing elsewhere, pulling at the loose tie around him neck. Finally his amber gaze met her eyes.
oOoOo
Ed had the most content smile on his face as he made eye contact with her. This was a look she'd only seen recently and it made her heart flutter every time. Just seeing him so happy, nothing else matter in this moment. He looked as if he was blushing some too and she glance down and smile as well. Edward felt Alphonse elbowing him in the side and he turned, sending an annoyed but playful look back. As she finally reached him, she found that any nerves from before had left as she stared up at him.
Looking back, they would remembered all that they had been through and even wondered how they had managed to get this far, but now none of it mattered. They were here and deserved this. If going through everything meant getting to this point, it was worth it. As the past faded from both their minds, they would start this new part of their lives together.