"Matt, you're not going to die, okay?"
"Okay."
/Been given 24 hours
to tie up loose ends
to make amends/
Ha, like I'd believe him. I know I'm going to die. I am going to be a distraction for the body guards so Mello can get away with Takada. But I think maybe he is lying to himself, telling himself I'll be fine, so he won't feel too guilty to go through with his plan. He doesn't like to show it, but he does have human feelings.
Perhaps he sees that look on my face, because he gets all angry and insists, "Matt, you are not going to die. Neither of us will."
/His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened/
I freeze. I've never thought that he might die. I don't like the fact that I am going to die in 24 hours, but it occurs to me at that moment that he is putting himself out there as well. He felt the need to assure me and himself that neither of us is going to die. If he just continued to lie about my death, I wouldn't have worried so much.
But that he felt the need to say he isn't going to die, meant that he for sure is.
/Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run/
Now I just want to leave this stupid case. We aren't going to catch Kira, before Near or ever. Mello knows this. Which is why he is being so damn stupid and sending us on this suicide mission to help Near.
/Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day/
I let my DSi drop to the floor. Maybe it breaks. I don't care. It signifies too much life wasted.
/And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time/
I've taken all my time with Mello for granted. Because I always figured we'd have a lifetime to be together, so why try to be all close to him when he's a psycho-ass mafia boss obsessed with catching Kira? The way I see it—or saw it—I can tell him how I really feel about him (because that's something I've kept secret since we were thirteen) after all this is over, and he's back to normal. Or, as normal as Mello can ever be.
But that's not going to happen.
/In 24 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life,
It's over tonight/
Why am I so stupid? I was third at Wammy's, for fuck's sake, I should know how to do something with my life, because we've been taught from a young age that life is a fragile thing, and to use what we've been given wisely. I witnessed the murder my good-for-nothing parents, and swore I would never die like them, with no accomplishments to my name.
But look at me now.
/I'm not messing
No I need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me/
And though I am worried about myself—what non-believer facing immanent death wouldn't be, because what the hell am I going to do if Mello was right all along and there is a heaven and all that shit?—it is Mello I really don't want to die. At least, not so soon. I need to tell him something first.
/Is there a heaven a hell
And will I come back
Who can tell/
If there is a hell, I know that's where I am going. I've never believed in God, I've been making my living off of hacking, which is basically just stealing without being physically present, and I'm in love with my best friend, who is a guy, and I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the bible that gay people don't go to heaven (which, by the way, is very judgmental and cruel for such a 'merciful' God, I think).
But Mello…
/Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal/
Mello is the most important thing in the world to me, he always has been (I didn't have anything important in my life before I met him, as cheesy as it sounds). And if we aren't together after death, I might die again. But that would also require him to go to hell with me. I think I'd hate myself if that happened. It would be my fault. I don't know how, I just know it would be.
/The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I've made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old
It wasn't to be/
I've sat here for a few hours, just lost in my thoughts. Just more time wasted. I don't know where Mello is, but he's not here. So it's not like I can finally tell him that I… tell him how I feel. I don't think I'll be able to do it soon, either.
I already have my whole life with Mello planned out. The Kira case would end, and Mello and I would move back to Winchester, because it's the only home we've ever known. We would rent an apartment together, just like now, only not as shabby. I'd tell him the truth, he would (hopefully) feel the same way. In a few years we'd adopt twins and name them Elle and Lawliette (because Mello wouldn't let me name them anything else, what with his obsession with L and all). He'd make me quit smoking, for the health of the children. We'd buy a real house, grow old together, and be buried side-by-side.
I know it's all storybook fantasizing, but it doesn't really matter now, anyway. It's not going to happen.
/In 18 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life,
It's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me/
I've turned my games back on now. I don't see what else there is to do. But I can't focus on the game. I've died countless times now. I wish life were like a video game, that you had multiple lives and when you died, it didn't always mean you were dead for good.
What was the hell was God thinking when he gave us only one life?
Doesn't he know that isn't enough?
/In 13 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life,
It's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me/
Mello just got back. He looks remarkably calm. You'd think he'd be angry at Near or Kira or the world in general, or scared and apprehensive, or on edge, or at least be feeling something knowing he's going to die. But he's totally and unnaturally calm and at ease.
I think that's what scares me most.
/I'm not alone, I sense it, I sense it
All that I said, I meant it, I meant it/
I look over at him. He looks at me. We say nothing. Nothing needs to be said. We're both thinking the same thing.
/And I can't believe
How much I've wasted my time/
I wonder what he wishes he could've done differently. Probably thinks he could've handled Kira better. Or wishes that L would've picked him as his successor before he died. Or maybe even have picked Near—just to have picked someone, so he could have some closure. I wonder if I'm in his thoughts half as much as he's in mine.
/In just 8 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life,
It's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me/
Strange how I'm worrying so much about how Mello feels about me, and not about my impending death. Yes—only my death. Mello isn't going to die. By now I've convinced myself of this. It isn't a hope. It's a fact.
Because Mello can't die. Because he's invincible. He's Mello.
/In just 1 hour they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life,
It's over tonight/
And so we go through with the plan. To be totally honest, I am stunned when I am shot by Takada's bodyguards. It's not that I'm not expecting it, it's just there's really no way to prepare yourself for being shot by dozens of bullets. Have you ever tried?
I sink the ground, and lie in a pool of my own blood. It's still warm. Is it weird to notice that?
God, I fucking hate Kira so much right now.
Wait, no. I won't let my last thought be about that psychopath Yagami guy. I know of another, blonder, psychopath that deserves the spot.
I will air from my lungs, and do my best to make my lips form words. "I love you, Mihael Kheel. Don't die." I want to add, 'don't die like me,' but the world has just shut me out, and I don't think it's willing to take a message.
/I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me/
'Matt… I never wanted you to die…. Forgive me…' Mello watches them replay Matt's dramatic last moments, and finds himself getting rather angry at the news station. They just have to rub it in that he couldn't save his only love.
But then he notices Matt's lips are moving. Having mastered lip-reading back at Wammy's, he focuses most of his attention on the small screen and pulls into an abandoned church so he won't have to worry about driving.
'I… love?… You… Mihael… Kheel!' He gasps. 'Don't… die…'
Mello's heart clenches up, then starts beating faster. No, literally. Takada has just written his name down. But figuratively, too. Why is he such an idiot? Matt loves—loved—him back. He should've seen the signs. Or at least took a chance and told Matt how he felt.
And as Mello's heart slows to a stop, Mello can only hope that wherever he ends up after death, Matt is there too.