"Rob, you are the man. That was so awesome!"
The redhead offered the younger boy his knuckles. Robin smiled bright enough to validate wearing those ridiculous sunglasses inside. He assertively completed the bro fist his best friend started.
"Right back at you, Walls." Robin watched as the bro fist came to its natural conclusion. His beaming grin fell. "Dude, we are so awesome that we need more fistage."
Wally raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean we should bro fist again or do you want me to start growing another arm?"
Robin didn't take Wally's mocking sitting down. The agile teen laughed forebodingly and then tackled his teammate. Robin used Wally's squirming body as his seat, pinning the other boy to the floor. Wally hesitantly opened his eyelids. His green met two black lenses.
The room grew stuffy. Wally gulped. Robin suddenly realized how his position on Wally's chest more than suggested straddling him; he was actually straddling him. He recognized this too late. Only seconds later, a onlooker walked in on them in their compromising position.
The blonde froze as she entered the room. Her eyes flashed over Robin and Wally. As Wally panted, Robin rose and fell along with his chest. "Oh my god, you guys. Why don't you get a room?" Artemis yelled. She promptly turned tail and fled.
Robin began to laugh awkwardly after she left and eventually Wally joined in with his own half-hearted chuckles.
"That," Robin said, "was perfect. Did you see the look on her face?" Robin choked on his laughter. He flicked away his hands from the other teen's shoulder blades and then covered his mouth. His giggles became muffled, but were hardly contained.
Wally pushed Dick off of him and sat pretzel style on the floor. "Yeah, bro. Her freak out was the stuff of legends. It was awesome."
Wally offered his raven-haired friend his knuckles. Dick snorted one last laugh before removing his hands from his lips. He fisted one hand and rapped it against Wally's own.
"You're awesome, man," Robin declared.
"Right back at you," Wally returned.
"Everything here is so…tiny," Wally declared. He mimed swallowing up the entire contents of the compact fridge before deciding to truly go ahead and eat everything in sight.
Dick looked from the dining area that served as a cooking space to the living area that tripled as a joint den/office/bedroom. "Yeah, whatever brought you to this astute observation, Gumshoe?"
The speedster stopped cramming cheese cubes into his mouth long enough to stick out his tongue at his friend's mocking words.
Dick scowled and covered his mouth with his hands as if about to barf. He waited to speak until he was confident that removing his hands from his mouth wouldn't let out any nasty spillage. "Wally," he said at last, "don't you ever open your mouth while you're still chewing ever again."
The redhead shrugged casually. "I'll take that advice into consideration," he said through a mouthful of Cheetos.
Dick rolled his eyes and chose to ignore Wally's comment. He began unpacking the loads of groceries that they'd brought with them.
Wally finished polishing off the last dregs of orange soda. "Out with the old and in with the new!"
Dick investigated the pocket sized refrigerator which Wally had so helpfully cleared out. It only took a few seconds for Dick to realize his twenty overstuffed bags would never fit. "Wally, do you have any ideas?"
"Well," Wally licked some chocolate sauce from his fingers, "we could take everything and blend it up. A massive smoothie might fit everything in that rinky-dink fridge."
Dick looked to the lone counter of the kitchenette. "Do you see a blender in here? I don't see where could he put it."
Wally frowned. "Dude, the blender was the smallest flaw of my plan. You can't fit all of this in there just because it's liquid. Matter still takes space!" Wally placed a hand on his hip and poked a shiny spoon in Dick's direction. "Don't you dare abuse the laws of glorious science," he commanded.
"Chill, Wally. I'm just frustrated, okay?" Dick began eating a gallon of melting frozen yogurt. He looked to the freezerless fridge unit with disdain. "This is entirely your fault, you stupid little, icebox-lacking piece of—"
"No cursing in front of the baby," Roy ordered.
"Baby?" Dick and Wally asked together.
Roy pointed to a playpen in the corner of the room. Underneath a pile of blankets was a small pit bull puppy sleeping peacefully. Dick and Wally relaxed noticeably.
"Sunshine has sensitive ears," Roy explained. He tossed his jacket onto his bed/sofa and sat at his table/counter/desk. "Why did you guys bring me all this food?"
"Wefer tuhrring twoo behhefdull," Wally said while drowning in his third gallon of triple cherry deluxe ice cream.
Roy scowled and pushed a box of napkins into Wally's sticky palms. "Say that again with more feeling, Kid."
"Uh," Wally wiped his mouth, "sure. I said that we're just trying to be helpful."
"Jeez, Roy. All your stuff is puny," Dick complained. He scooped up Sunshine and brought her into the kitchen. He held her close against his chest and let her lick the frozen yogurt from his fingers. "Even your dog is tiny."
"That better not be a dick joke, Dick," Roy said.
Wally choked on his ice cream cone so Roy helpfully stared at him and did nothing while he gagged. Dick dropped Sunshine hastily into Roy's arms and went to save his best friend. He glowered at the not currently dying redhead and patted the currently dying redhead on the back.
"It wasn't a dick joke, you dick." Dick's glare said that he now wished he had been insulting the older boy before. "I was just bemoaning your tiny apartment with your tiny fridge."
Since Wally was no longer choking, he made himself another cone. "Do you want one, Dick?" he asked as he piled the scoop on top of scoop.
"Sure," Dick said. He reached out to take the overfilled cone, but Wally zoomed it away from him.
"Nope," Wally expertly re-balanced the toppling scoops of dessert, "this one is mine." Wally dished out a considerably smaller portion of ice cream. "This one is yours."
"I just saved your life and this is how you repay me?" Dick grumbled.
Wally smirked. "Your pint-sized ice cream is in tribute to Roy's pint-sized—"
"Don't you dare," Roy interjected.
"What?" Wally smirked and leaned against the counter top. "I was just going to say pint-sized," he took another lick of triple cherry, "apartment; it's nothing…personal."
Roy's anger was temporarily restrained by the intervention of Sunshine who started whining for attention. He picked up his dog gingerly, gave Wally the stink eye, and headed out to the bathroom. "I'm going to go take her for her walk," he said as he went to fetch her leash.
Wally imitated flicking Roy in the head as his back was turned and Dick snickered. Dick, sensing an opportunity, lunged at Wally's heaping cone and took a large bite out of its side.
Wally gasped. "I said that this one is mine, not yours, you…Amazonian piranha!"
"Was that an insult?" Dick laughed and boldly stole another bite of cherry heaven.
Wally didn't enjoy this new development. He rose to Dick's challenge. "You know…this place is really tiny. Everything in it is so dainty that they could belong in a dollhouse."
Dick eyed the redhead suspiciously. "You could get to the point any day now."
"Dick, you belong here."
"What?"
Wally zipped behind the smaller teen and pulled him up into the air in a tight embrace. "You are so tiny! You're an itty bitty birdy. I could just squeeze you to death," Wally cooed.
"Let go of me," Dick demanded as he thrashed against Wally's grip.
Wally refused and pulled Dick closer while still holding him aloft. "You're just the cutest thing ever!" Wally used the disparity in their heights to rest his chin on top of Dick's head of black hair.
A door slammed and the owner of the apartment returned. "I'm covering Sunshine's eyes, boys."
Wally dropped Dick unceremoniously. "Huh?" Wally said while Dick huffed at suddenly meeting with the floor.
Roy kept his hand firmly over Sunshine's face despite her annoyed whimper. "You two need to get a room if you want to have shenanigans. Sunshine is too young to witness such things."
Wally and Dick were too embarrassed to determine whether or not Roy was joking. Wally looked helplessly to Dick for what move to make next.
"Roy," Dick said, "I'm going to go buy you a fridge if you never speak about this again."
Roy surveyed the scene as he thought over Dick's proposition. Wally's face was red and pink; the red was from embarrassment while the pink was just globs of ice cream. Dick was more or less hiding his embarrassment better although his head was tilted away from Roy's gaze. Instead, Dick was glaring at Roy's loudly humming refrigerator as if he could increase its size if he stared long enough.
"Toss in a new gas range and my lips are sealed," Roy bargained.
Wally perked up. He turned to Dick. "Buy the man a shiny new toaster too."
"There's nothing wrong with my toaster," Roy said.
Wally grabbed Dick by the hand and pulled him towards the door. "That might have been true…before I got here."
Roy was incensed. "You've got major—"
"Roy!" Wally darted away from Dick and covered the oldest boy's mouth with his hands. "Don't speak that way in front of the baby."
Sunshine barked appropriately so Wally and Dick left having won the argument.
"I can't believe we won that argument," Wally exclaimed once he was outside of Roy's apartment.
"Those morons probably think they won even though I got them to leave and I'm the one getting the new kitchen," Roy told Sunshine as he sat on his sofa. He laughed at his moronic friends and Sunshine barked in agreement.
Artemis slipped and dropped her laundry basket. As she laid sprawled across the cave floor, she watched her fresh, clean clothes tumble into the air and slowly glide down. She picked up what was once a light-weight, strappy top. Now, the top was heavy with dirty water. She twisted it around itself and squeegeed out the excess.
"What are you guys doing in here?" she demanded, tossing her shirt towards the two boys wrestling in another puddle of cloudy water beside her.
Wally and Robin let go of each other as the wet garment slapped against their tangled up bodies. In place of responding, Wally pressed his cheek firmly against the floor and tried to drown himself in the half inch of water.
Robin rolled his eyes and explained for his friend. "We were just having a mature discussion."
Artemis nodded warily. After a moment of hesitation, she decided it was worth drawing attention to her undergarments to get them off the dirty floor. "I can obviously see that, but may I ask about what topic were you discussing?"
"Rob's love affair with cuddly polar bears," insisted Wally.
"Wally's love life," Robin corrected as he punched the redhead on the back. "I think he has a type."
"I do not! And you're one to talk, Rob."
Robin shrugged. "Fine. I will reluctantly admit that I have a thing for redheads. Wally's type though…" He trailed off.
Artemis wasn't convinced. "I have to agree with Wally. He doesn't have a type..." She picked up one of her bras and discovered it was missing a rhinestone. Absentmindedly, she searched for it in the slurry.
Wally was shocked. "You're agreeing with me? Thanks Art—"
"He'll do anything," Artemis finished. "Absolutely no standards."
Robin laughed at Wally's expense. "I agreed with you at first…but then I was looking at his crushes and I realized something. He has a thing for Asian girls."
Artemis suddenly felt like looking for her rhinestone behind the couch, away from prying eyes. "Come on Wally," she whispered, "that's like exoticism. That's just lame."
"That's what I said!" Robin chimed with a smug smile.
Wally sighed. He crawled over to Arty on his hands and knees. "I do not have a type," he mumbled. He stopped suddenly and poked a spot on the ground with his index finger. He offered his finger to Artemis. The rhinestone was on top.
Artemis snatched the rhinestone back and jammed it into her pocket. "Than—" She stopped short. "How did you know I was missing a rhinestone?"
"I'm just a livious type of guy, right Rob?" Wally prompted desperately.
"Arty is livious; you're just oblivious," Robin turned to the blonde, "that's why you searched through all of her things and didn't think she wouldn't notice."
"It's her fault for putting her load in without telling me she took out mine! And, furthermore, you're just saying all of this because you're jealous, Rob."
Artemis was confused. "Your jealous of my bra?" She tossed the garment to Robin and he caught it by habit. He dropped it suddenly while Arty smirked.
"Exactly. What? No!" Wally hopped to his feet. "He's jealous of you!"
Artemis gulped. "Robin is jealous of me," she said slowly. She knew Wally was oblivious heavy on the ob, but this was going too far. "Do you have any idea what you're saying?" she asked.
"I'm saying the truth, that's what!" Wally nodded. "And it's ridiculous because being a ninja totally counts as Asian!"
The quiet the welled up then gave Wally time to reflect if he had said something wrong. Artemis' blank, shell-shocked expression didn't offer many clues. Meanwhile, Dick's twitching reminded Wally of when he was nine and Rudy had given him some ADHD meds without reading the label. Now Wally was confused. He didn't even know Dick had ADHD!
Wally picked apart his own words. He'd said Rob was jealous of Arty. Okay, so he probably shouldn't have said that. Saying that meant he'd admitted to both having a crush on Arty and Dick having a crush on him. Those we two things Wally never meant to acknowledge and certainly not while cleaning up bras from the kitchen floor.
Wally was saying the truth when he said he was saying the truth. He was being honest about everything he said including the part about being livious. After all, he did notice that he was more or less in love with half of his friends. Roy because who has the balls to name their dog Sunshine? Artemis; have you seen the way she snarks back? Dick because isn't everyone in love with their best friend?
Wally was still contemplating when Robin finally found his voice. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You hit on me backhandedly by basically calling me a weeabo?"
Wally blinked. "A wee and poo?"
"Dick, I know how you feel," Artemis interrupted, "I don't know if I should hurt him for being so politically incorrect or storm off for him admitting at last that he likes me, but in a bad joke."
Robin picked up a handful of Artemis is clothes. "I say we storm out together."
"He could use some alone time to sort out his thoughts. Let's give him the room," Artemis agreed.
Wally splashed into a puddle as he sat on the kitchen floor. He took a moment to reflect. He came to decision. "Screw this. I'm going to Roy's place and breaking in his new kitchen."
A/N: Yes, this is something random I pulled off my hard drive to prove that I'm still alive.