A/N: Well this is a sequel to my other fic "my life is a wedgie". You don't really need to read that, but it would be helpful. Whatever's written in italics is written by fellow author edgy wedgy. Bold is written by "A Class Superior" / "A Class Sarah" (I'm not sure which she uses! And it may still change…)
This is basically what happened in the last one:
The fellowship (minus Boromir, of course) set out to buy Legolas a new bottle of shampoo from the supermarket. Along the way, Gandalf, Merry and Pippin died. Legolas and Gimli proclaimed their love for each other, Sauron was killed and Sam's name was changed to Samfatandgayandstupid. When they finally got to the supermarket, they were joined by Arwen, who suddenly announced that she is, in fact, a man. That is where we pick up today's chapter……
6:23 AM:
Oh my gosh! My beloved Arwen is A MAN! Nooooooooooo…..!
6:24 AM:
She's (he) just informed me that I'm a woman, and they've kept it from me ALL THIS TIME!
WHAT THE……..?
6:25 AM:
Ok, I've just considered the matter carefully. If Arwen's a man, and I'm a woman, then it's all good
6:25 and a half AM:
But that means I can't play the dominant male figure! Damn!
6:25 and two halves AM:
And if I'm a woman, why do I have a penis?
6:26 AM:
I just asked Arwen that and she said that only women have penises. Oh.
6:27 AM:
So now I'm a woman…………..uh………….what do I do now?
6:28 AM:
Arwen just informed me that I should shave. What the hell is that?!
6:29 AM:
Great, it means the removal of facial hair! Too much trouble!
6:30 AM:
Ok, I don't think I can take being a girl, so I should prove my manhood. It means I'll have to work with Legolas and Gimli, the gay guys.
6:30 and a bit AM:
They've just told me being a man involves being able to sing really high. Help.
6:30 and two bits AM:
I just had a fantastic idea. So I said "show me". And they are looking stunned.
6:30 and three bits AM:
Arwen has started singing. Really high. Help
6:31 AM:
I'm trying to sing high, but they're all laughing at me. What did I do?
6:32 AM:
OhO. A scary man called Mr Tate has put me off writing for a while. Sorries.
6:33 AM:
Ok he's gone now so I think I have regained my courage to write. YAY!
6:34 AM:
Being a woman trying to prove my manhood is toooooooooooo hard……….I think I'm going to invent theft!
6:35 AM:
Ok, so I can't song high. What else could I do to prove I'm a man?
6:36 AM:
Legolas and Gimli said that I should be able to bake a cake.
6:37 AM:
WHAT THE HELL IS A CAKE?!
6:38 AM:
Ok, now I'm in the supermarket trying to cook a cake. Ok, what the hell is Tabasco sauce?! I wonder what it tastes like…………..
6:39 AM:
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:40 and 3 drops of Tabasco sauce AM:
Ok, maybe I should ask someone what I need.
6:41 AM:
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………lets ask……………..
6:42 AM:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:43 AM:
IT'S SARUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:43 and a bit AM:
Ok, now it's time to prove my manhood.
6:43 and a half AM:
I just threw a packet of cake mix and Saruman told me to piss off you girl. Ok, he's going to die.
6:44 AM:
Hey, I just had an idea. I could ask Saruman about being a man.
6:44 and a bit AM:
He told me I had to wash my hair. I give up
6:44 and two bits AM:
Also I have to clean and grow my nails. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
6:45 AM:
Saruman's chasing me and I'm trying frantically to run out of the supermarket! Noo! Can't-let-him-catch-me!!!
6:45 and a bit AM:
Just grabbed a pair of earplugs and stuck them in my ears. Couldn't stand Saruman yelling at me about permed hair.
6:46 AM:
Back on my faithful horse, and galloping away from that horrible place. What is that coming towards me? It's-
6:46 and a bit AM:
Oof. The 'faithful' horse just threw me to the ground and went running towards the ladies' room.
6:47 AM:
I'm chasing after the horse and pushing open the door to the ladies room
and
I
can
tell
you
that the 'women' in this room look like MEN! LONG HAIR, LONG NAILS, NO BEARDS. HELP!
6:50 AM:
I'm running as fast as I can, Legolas is screaming at me but I can't make out what he's saying because the sound is not reaching my ears. I don't think I can take it. I don't know if I want to be a man. It seems like so much trouble, I think I'll just submit to Arwen. Just get me out of here!
6:51 AM:
I'm all puffed out. I've stopped running. Arwen is clapping. She says I have proved my manhood through my smooth and light-weighted run. They call that clunking a "smooth and light-weighted run" ?!
6:51 and 30 seconds AM:
Wait a second (hahaha, second, get it? Hahahaha)
She just said I'm a MAN! I'm an MAN!! YAY!!!!!! I'm so happy, I'M SO HAPPY I CAN SING!!
*music note* Aragorn is a man *music note*
He is as strong as any man
He will make you seem like a woman
*music note* Cos Aragorn is a Man! *music note*
YIPEE!
6:52 AM:
Oh wait, if I'm a man, and Arwen is a man, then I CAN'T MARRY HER/HIM!!
6:53 AM:
Legolas has just informed me that I'm not REALLY a man. I'm just a woman-man, so I can still marry Arwen.
6:54 AM:
I just asked him if he has a penis. He has gone bright red.
6:55 AM:
Legolas just broke down and told me the whole thing is this giant joke. I asked him that if it's a joke, why isn't it funny.
6:56 AM:
He says it is, but no-one's laughing! Huh?
6:56 and a bit AM:
So I asked if Arwen is a man.
6:56 and a bit more and my breath is held……:
NO! She's a WOMAN!! Oh thank my sweet Ada! She's a woman!
7:59 AM:
Oooopsies, sorry I got a bit carried away celebrating with Arwen the fact she's a woman
8:00 AM:
Legolas is still crying so now Gimli's hugging him.
8:01 AM:
Oh no! Gimli's pant just fell down!
8:02 AM:
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! What the hell is that?!
8:02 and a bit AM:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My eyes! My precious eyes!
8:02 and a bit AM:
Apparently it's a secret knife he keeps in his pants in case he gets disarmed. BUT WHY THERE?!!
8:03 AM:
Well now I find Gimli very scary
8:04 AM:
Legolas has stopped crying now. He is trying to choose a flavour of shampoo.
8:05 AM:
doodely doodely doo…………
8:10 AM:
Tra la la la la…….
8 :11 AM :
Still waiting………….
8 :12 AM :
……………….
8:13 AM:
Hey! Where'd Arwen go?
8:14 AM:
Oh no! I think I losted her!
8:15 AM:
Hey, what's that noise?
8:16 AM:
It sounds like a scream…..
8:17 AM:
Oh no! It's Arwen!!!
8:18 AM:
And she's being kidnapped by Frodo! It seems that he too is in love with my beloved!
This week's stupidity was brought to you by a boring science lesson