A/N: I decided to jump on this bandwagon a bit accidentally. My friend Lydia, who calls herself John to my Sherlock, likes to greet me by asking me if I've gotten the milk and beans yet. Since we're both home for Christmas and were both bored, this is what resulted. I've edited them, so hopefully they're coherent, though there may be some OOC-ness.
Dec. 21 2010 23:18
JW: Have you gotten the milk and beans yet?
SH: You get it. I'm not allowed in Tesco after the last time. Not that you heard about that, you were stupid enough to let yourself get strapped to a bomb. –SH
JW: I'm ignoring that. There are other places to buy milk.
SH: Far.
JW: Not really.
SH: Yes, really.
JW: Try a cow then.
SH: John, this is central London, there are no cows.
SH: Though I can procure a cow for the flat if you like.
JW: NO. Don't give Mrs. Hudson another heart attack!
SH: Oh, I take it she found Yorick's friend.
JW: More like the rest of Yorick.
SH: Well, if she would stop hiding his head!
JW: Also, I thought I was Yorick.
SH: Yorick is a seventy-two year old male of Asian descent. You're his substitute.
JW: Well, if you've got Yorick and Anderson, why do you need me?
SH: I don't have him, Sally does. Regularly.
JW: What?
SH: Has Anderson. And I need you because Yorick doesn't do the shopping and if Anderson came in here I'd shoot him.
December 22, 01:29
[unknown number]: Hello, John, I won't be in -SH
JW: YOU. MILK.
SH: Well, I'm not exactly in London.
JW: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?
SH: France. I think.
JW: YOU THINK?
JW: You THINK?
JW: FRANCE?
SH: Well, I was rather unconscious for most of the trip.
JW: I HAVE NO WORDS ANYMORE.
SH: And it wasn't really voluntary. But based on the colour of the soil on the boots of the men who brought me here, I'd say we're in Carcassonne.
JW: I told you to please stop crossing borders without telling me.
SH: I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
JW: Interpol's going to throw a fit.
SH: Tell them to throw it at Mycroft.
JW: How do you think I know about it?
SH: I told him I wasn't going to have Christmas with him. So he had me kidnapped. Again.
JW: Can you please tell me why there's a cow on the roof?
SH: Oh—I thought you wanted one, so I borrowed her from my friend Walter. Feed her, please.
JW: No. Your cow, dear, you feed her.
SH: /Dear/?
SH: I'm sure you can picture my facial expression.
JW: Dear person whose head I would like to bang in.
JW: Wait.
SH: Bash?
JW: Bash would be a bit better there, wouldn't it?
SH: Just a bit.
SH: So why don't you believe Mycroft kidnapped me?
JW: If he kidnapped you to bring you home for Christmas, he should have you trussed up at his house.
SH: Mummy stays in France sometimes. I'm sure we're going to her.
JW: ….Mummy?
SH: Yes. Oh, good, she'll be cross with him, she told him not to abduct me.
JW: Mummy?
SH: Yes, John, I have a mother. I am not Macduff.
JW: /Mummy/?
SH: Though he had a mother too, she was just dead. Athena. No, hers was a fly.
JW: MUMMY?
SH: Yes…
JW: Not Mum?
SH: No, why?
JW: Mummy is so childish. Unexpected.
SH: I love my mother. She's brilliant.
SH: Obviously.
JW: You're so cute.
SH: Cute?
JW: It's just, you know, sweet.
SH: I'm making the face again John.
JW: I'd just like to give you a noogie.
SH: A /what/?
SH: That sounds deplorable.
JW: Knuckles + scalp = friction
SH: …why?
JW: It's a sign of affection.
SH: Why would that be a sign of affection. It sounds like it would hurt, not to mention muck up one's hair.
JW: Yes.
JW: Clearly you're the younger child.
SH: Well, you already knew that, it's fairly obvious that Mycroft's older than I am.
JW: Really? Does he say Mum?
SH: No, he says Mummy, you've heard him.
JW: When?
SH: When he came to irritate me at the end of what you call Study in Pink.
JW: ?
SH: I think it was, "This petty feud between us is so childish. People will suffer. And you know how it upsets Mummy." So dramatic.
JW: Sherlock, do you have a photographic memory?
SH: Don't be absurd, that was auditory.
JW: Oh, whatever.
SH: You did ask.
JW: Nyaah.
SH: And I'm childish?
JW: Bloody hell! I can't go.
SH: You can't go?
JW: No shit, Sherlock!
SH: I'm ignoring your clearly sleep-deprived state. Where can you not go?
JW: You know you miss me. Come back. Otherwise I have to go to Harry's.
SH: Well, I am bored, and my brother is a shit kidnapper.
SH: Maybe I'll jump off the moving train.
JW: You should swim the channel.
SH: No.
JW: Why?
SH: Cold.
JW: less broken bones
SH: Fewer. And in order to swim the Channel, I'd have to jump off the train.
JW: Why are you on a train?
SH: Swimming the channel would be pointless. I pickpocketed my guard, I can buy a ticket back.
SH: Because my brother has a flair for the dramatic and read too much Agatha Christie as a child.
JW: I love Agatha Christie!
SH: Yes, well.
JW: What's that supposed to mean?
SH: Nothing, John, nothing at all.
JW: I am confused and sad at the same time.
SH: Sad?
JW: Yes, sad like your sad, pathetic chair.
SH: I don't think chairs have emotions. And what's pathetic about my chair?
JW: Ssssh. Pretend they do.
SH: We're not talking, we're typing. There's really no way to alter the volume.
JW: Remember how I dislike you being logical sometimes?
SH: Mmm. Well.
SH: Have you seen my brother lately?
JW: told you, he called me about interpol
JW: I assume he's in bed
SH: Course he called you about Interpol since it's his fault.
JW: what that you have a 'special status' in their records?
SH: Probably.
SH: Didn't keep me from going to Belarus, which is a lot dodgier than France.
JW: He probably wanted you to go to Belarus. also, who's Walter and why did he give you a cow?
SH: Walter was one of my professors when I stayed at Harvard for a bit. He lent me his cow because he has to leave his lab for a few weeks. You'd probably say he's a bit off.
JW: that's saying something
SH: He self-medicates too. With LSD.
JW: I just found your crack stash. You were saying?
SH: Please, John, it's not crack. Don't you know the difference? Aren't you meant to be a doctor? And you're not going to trick me into telling you that way.
JW: white powdery stuff that makes the room spin? Please, give me some credit here
SH: Not crack. And not how I use it.
JW: oh, really?
SH: I will tell you Scotland Yard's finest missed what was right in front of their faces...
JW: ...please for the love of anything holy don't tell me you've been putting it in the tea
SH: That wouldn't even work.
JW: Or, I don't know, the biscuits
SH: Would. Not. Work.
SH: And really, when do I put ANYTHING in the tea?
JW: potpourri? Rally bad tea.
JW: *really
JW: when do you drink tea?
SH: I drink tea. Tea requires minimal processing and has caffeine in it which is a reasonably useful addition to the nicotine.
JW: instead of coffee, I mean
SH: When it's therre.
SH: -r
SH: Hate Mycroft's phone. So difficult to text.
SH: Have you found it?
JW: You stole your brother's phone?
SH: Yes.
SH: He took mine first.
JW: Oh, that makes it all right.
JW: Sherlock?
JW: Sherlock, where are you?
JW: Bloody hell. I hope you're all right. I know I won't be after Harry's.