Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or 'Ashes and Wine' by A Fine Frenzy.
Ashes and Wine
Don't know what to do anymore,
I've lost the only love worth fighting for.
Samantha Puckett does not pace around the room, wracking her brain for answers to questions she dare not say aloud.
But she does anyway.
Normally, she would just grab a piece of ham from the fridge and sleep through a problem. But this time, she can't even get herself to sit down. She's been on the edge ever since Friday and it's now already two days after. She has been getting lesser and lesser sleep by the day. Five years ago, she wouldn't be like this. She was not the kind of girl who had to think her actions through. She has always acted on impulse.
God, she can't believe he had this effect on her.
Almost silly and magical, this impact he has on her. She used to bully him; make fun of his clothes and give him wedgies. He just used to be her good frenemy. Someone she can count on and argue with senselessly. She wasn't always good at expressing her feelings. He wasn't keen on any affection from someone else other than Carly's.
But somewhere between all those bets and wedgies, they fell in love. It was hard for both of them. They weren't the most compatible pair out there. Sam had a hard time getting over Freddie liking her. Freddie also couldn't get over that he liked Sam over Carly. It was like it was all a joke on them or something.
It was fun while it lasted, Sam thought bitterly.
It was perfect. Even Carly thought they were meant to be. Sam misses him. Every freaking inch of him.
Was she right about letting him go? Did she even deserve him for that matter?
Finally, exhaustion has caught up with her. She unconsciously made her way to her bed and slept with her day clothes on.
I'll drown in my tear storming sea.
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me.
Mama sheds no tears, she says to her self looking at a mirror.
She wasn't one to cry easily. But her reflection looks so heartbreaking that she had to use all the energy left in her body to stop herself from spilling warm tears.
They broke up last Friday.
Two days without talking to him isn't doing her any good. He has been a part of her daily routine now and she doesn't cope with change easily. She loses her appetite the second she remembers he used to eat with her all the time. She has no one to blame but herself really. It was her decision. But then, questions from last night crept into her mind once again.
Commitment was never her forte. Getting together with him under normal circumstances has been hard enough for her. She couldn't bear the guilt knowing he could be in Harvard for college instead of getting stuck in community college. She couldn't handle that. But she admits that this route she has taken is also tearing her apart.
The girl staring back at her isn't happy at all. But she convinces herself that she owes him this much. They'll be happy eventually, even if they're apart.
A knock stops her from punching the mirror. She walks up to open the door and there stood the epitome of her problems.
"Sam." He uttered softly that it almost sounded like he didn't mean to say her name at all.
"What are you doing here, Freddie?" She asks so hastily that she sounded bitter even to herself.
"Sam, let's think over this again, okay? You were not serious about what you said back at the studio were you?" He asks her with pleading eyes. He steps towards her to embrace the blonde but she stops him by placing her hands on his shoulders. He was way stronger than her now but he knew that that gesture meant he wasn't to go any closer.
"I was dead serious, Freddie. I can't be with you anymore." She answers blatantly and void of emotion. This is what he needs to move on and pursue what he always wanted, she repeated what she has told her self the night before their break-up.
"Why, Sam?" He asks her, trying to get any emotion out of her by keeping the conversation longer than necessary.
"You know it's for your own good, Freddie. You have a bright future ahead of you. I can't ruin that. You deserve to accept that scholarship. I'm only holding you back." She answers him without looking at him or she might falter under his gaze.
"Sam, you're not—" She cuts him off.
"Freddie, are you willing to give this up for someone who's not even sure if she can love you just as much as you love her?"
His face turns into one of understanding. She was basically telling him that she might not love him just as much as he loves her or maybe she didn't love him at all. The realization was a stab at his heart. He walked out of the door. There's no turning back now, they both knew that.
And when she heard the soft click of the doorknob, she broke down.
All the same,
I don't want mudslinging games.
It's just a shame to let you walk away.
"Sam, what have you done?" Carly asked her as if she killed someone instead of just breaking up with Freddie.
"I don't really know, Carls. All I know is it's for the best." She answers her best friend with indifference as if she's said it a thousand times before.
"For the best? Samantha Puckett! It's obvious you're both hurting yourselves! This isn't for the best." Carly tried to straighten her friend up. Once again, she's caught in the middle. College won't start until the next four months so Freddie's still in Seattle.
"It will be!"
Carly just stared at Sam. To her, it's almost as if Freddie and Sam are just playing one of those stupid mind games again. Sam loves Freddie and wants him to fulfill his dreams but she knows he won't if they're still together. Freddie thinks Sam doesn't love him anymore which is why she's letting him go.
"I do miss him though." Sam confesses and Carly can't think of anything else to do but hold her best friend and comfort her. She knows deep inside that she can't tell Sam that it's going to be okay so she doesn't.
Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
"Carly—" He stops in his tracks when he recognizes the blonde cuddled up with Carly on the couch. Carly stirs and sees him.
"Hey." She says groggily and gets up. Luckily, Sam's a heavy sleeper. He nods in return.
"Gosh. This is weird. I'm basically sleeping with my best friend's ex-girlfriend." Carly joked. And they both laughed at the truthfulness of the statement.
"Nah, it's okay. I knew you were sleeping together way before we dated." He tried to humor her.
"I'm gonna go get something to drink, whacha' want?"
"Root beer would be fine, I guess." He laughed at that. He wasn't allowed to drink root beer because of his mom's restrictions but Sam made him drink it accidentally one day and got hooked. Sam. She was propped up on the couch with her curly hair framing her face perfectly. Sam sleeping was the most beautiful sight he has ever seen and nothing could compare to it. Even after all that, she could still take his breath away.
"Here ya' go, Freddie." Carly said as she handed him a can of root beer.
"Thanks, Carls." He grabbed the root beer and looked at Sam's direction again.
"You do know that she still loves you, right? You know Sam. She might be rowdy out side but she really cares for people she loves. She just wants you to have a good future and she thinks that won't happen if you stay with her." Carly told him.
"I know but this is what she wants. I love her enough to follow through this. If this would help her sleep well at night and guilt-free then I'm fine with it. Besides, she said it herself. This love she has for me now might fade so it's better if I part with her with the thought that she cares for me. It hurts leaving knowing this but it's not like I'll never see her again." He tells her almost breathless.
Little did they know that the heavy sleeper wasn't asleep at all.
Don't know if our fate's already sealed.
This days are spinning circus on a wheel.
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips.
Days pass and she continues to wonder if this is how they'll part. Back to being almost friends. They're talking but that's just when Carly's around or when they feel like it. Just like back then.
The awkwardness suffocates her every time they're left alone and silent so she tries to occupy her self with little chitchats with the dweeb. Sam has heard every word Freddie uttered that night but she couldn't bring her self to talk to him. She wanted to punch him senseless.
How could he still love her after all of that?
But then he's always been like that, she told her self. She remembers the kiss they shared at Bushwell Plaza's fire exit. It was their first. Even after bullying him and telling everyone Freddie never kissed anyone yet, he still agreed to be her first. It was kind of bittersweet now that she thought about it. He wasn't completely over his infatuation with Carly back then. She smirked when she looked at Freddie who was now sitting across the room.
Shut it out, I've got no claim on you now.
Not allowed to wear your freedom down, no.
"Sam? What are you smirking at?" He asked trying to be casual.
"Nothing." She answered just like the old times. She missed this. Playful banter with Freddie over nothing in particular. Her smirk grew wider if that was even possible.
"If I knew better, I'd say you were checking me out." This time, it was his turn to smirk. Just a few weeks ago, they'd rather not talk but where has this courage come from?
"Benson, I've checked out every square inch of you when we were dating." She stood up and punched him in the arm just like she used to.
"Hey, be careful. You're hurting the merchandise, Samantha. Chicks dig this." He didn't just earn another punch but also a roll of eyes from Sam.
"Yeah, it's not like other girls would want you, dork." She laughed but when Freddie didn't join her, she realized she went too far again.
"Kidding, Fredward. She's gonna be one lucky mama." Her expression turned into a soft one for a split millisecond but that was enough for Freddie.
Friends is better than nothing at all, right?
Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
"Song's fitting, don't you think?" Sam asked Carly as they were watching Freddie dance with another girl. It was their Senior Prom and Freddie was asked out by another girl seeing as it would be awkward if he took Sam or Carly to prom.
"So you still want him back?" Carly asked her blond friend.
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I'm standing by my decision earlier. We both know Freddie. He'd stay here in Seattle if we're still together by graduation. So many times he has told me his dreams and plans. He looked so happy just telling me, I can't deprive him from making that real. Besides, I don't think he can stand long distance relationships too. He'll just come running back home." She ends what she said with a laugh.
To Carly, it seemed like Sam was more mature than she usually shows she is. She just smiles at her friend and goes back to watching couples on the dancefloor.
Just ashes and wine.
I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say but
"I guess this is it, Fredward." She says with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She hugs him.
"Yeah, I'll miss the two of you." He says himself with a red nose. He pulls the two girls into a big bear hug and lets go of them when the announcer called for his flight.
He walked away from the lot and stopped to look at her once more. He ran back.
"I still love you, you know that? And if we're really meant to be, we'd still end up together after college, right?" He tried to smile for her.
"You're such a dork." The only reply he gets from her. He knows she needs this.
"But I'm your dork." He yells as he runs up for his flight. He sees her smiling. It's not like they'll never meet again. A long distance relationship just ain't their thing. He smirks at that thought.
Is there a chance, a fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
And as soon as she sees Freddie's out of sight, she mouths the words, "I love you."
A/N: Did you get the story? I'm suffering from a minor block right now and I'm trying to cure myself by writing more fiction. Anyway, this is my first Seddie. Heard the song from a Vampire Diaries commercial and I fell in love with it.
So basically, this is all about Sam breaking up with Freddie 4 months before College because she knows the dork would stay in Seattle for her and they couldn't handle a long-distance relationship either. Obviously, they still have feelings for each other after they went back to being friends. And when Freddie left, there was still a little hope for them after all, a fragment of light, that maybe they'd still end up together after all.
Reviews please? :)