Summary: Carmen's final case at ACME was also her most personal. If she is to have a future, she must face her past.
Disclaimer: If I owned WOEICS, this would be canon and I would be a (somewhat?) wealthier woman.
Author's Note: While my story contains little violence or sexual innuendo, it is a slightly darker and more psychologically minded portrayal of the characters that might not appeal to everyone.
"Life is a hospital in which each patient is possessed by the desire to change beds. One wants to suffer in front of the stove and another believes that he will get well near the window. It always seems to me that I will be better off where I am not, and this question of moving is one that I discuss endlessly with my soul."
- Charles Baudelaire "N'importe où hors du monde" (Anywhere Out of the World)
Japanese Tea Garden, San Francisco circa 1985
Carmen had never noticed it before, but the tea ceremony was kind of a drag.
She corrected her frown and plastered a placid expression on her face, murmuring niceties in Japanese as she accepted the delicate porcelain cup from the teishu, or tea master. Normally, the ritual calmed and transported her, but today it took every ounce of zen training she possessed not to fidget or yawn. She would have liked to have slept in, but Suhara had asked her to come. Other invitations she could (and did) brush off, but when her mentor and former partner called, she came. She looked at her old friend, sipping his bitter green matcha and clearly relishing the peace that so eluded her. Carmen quickly turned away lest the ever-observant Suhara notice the bluish mark on her right cheek she had hastily camouflaged with foundation earlier this morning. She longed to be outside, or at least put her hat back on.
At last, the prolonged tedium was over. A yukata-clad apprentice began to play a folk song for them on her koto, but Suhara softly asked her to leave them alone. "Domo arigatou gozaimasu. Kedo, hitori-de, tomodatchi to hanashitai n desu. Sumeimasen."
The girl, about the same age as Carmen herself, blushed and excused herself. "Totemo tanoshikatta," Carmen called after her as she exited the room. Even if the ceremony was not indeed a pleasure, it was not the fault of the apprentice.
"A beautiful ceremony, was it not, Carmen-chan?" her partner said.
"Mm."
"Tell me what did you think of the teishu's blue kimono? Utsukushii, ne?"
"Yes, very beautiful," the girl detective automatically responded.
"Carmen, her kimono was pink, not blue. It matched the sakura pattern on the tea cups and the blossom-shaped okashi sweets we ate," her mentor spoke sharply. "I am disappointed. It is not like you to be so unobservant."
Carmen gave her best impression of an insolent youthful shrug and re-fixed her fedora upon her head. "I'm fine," she lied.
Suhara shook his head and spoke slowly and deliberately. "No, you're not. It does not take great powers of deductive reasoning to see that you have been restless and unhappy as of late. I am asking as your friend and teacher, please tell me what is wrong."
Ah, but am I unhappy because I am restless or restless because I am unhappy? Riddle me that, Suhara sensei, Carmen thought but did not voice aloud. Instead she said, "I can't stand to be cooped up in here any longer. Care for a stroll?" Her companion agreed and they left the calm of the tea house and ventured into the garden beyond.
It was a beautiful April afternoon, warm and serene. The cherry blossoms bloomed around them, their pink flowers matching perfectly with the bright paint of the shrine and even the orange-red koi in the pond at her feet. Like the tea ceremony, San Francisco's Japanese garden had also once brought Carmen great pleasure. As a child, she would come here and feel like she had gone to a new and exotic place, all without ever leaving her hometown. It was about as close to international travel as a ward of the state could get. But years of jet-setting around the world chasing crooks had made this corner of Golden Gate Park seem small and tame by comparison. Today, its ordered beauty- a hallmark of Japanese culture she usually admired- felt especially oppressive.
Normally, Suhara did not require constant conversation and was happy to leave her to her thoughts; it was one of the things Carmen had always liked about having him as a partner. He knew she would speak her mind when she had something to say. But it seemed her silence had exhausted even Suhara's bountiful supply of patience this afternoon. He inquired, "I hear you turned down the instructor position at ACME Paris. That would have been a nice change for you, no?"
Carmen gave a small laugh. "I don't think I'm ready to be a teacher, sensei. Maybe someday. But right now I lack your patience."
Her mentor laughed as well. "Yes, well. That is likely true." He paused. "There have been rumors of promoting you to Inspector. You would be the youngest in the Agency's history. Quite an honor."
"Half-way to retirement at the ripe old age of twenty? An honor for some, but not for me," she replied tartly.
"Well, if you are bored at ACME, Carmen-chan, you could work someplace else. I would hate to lose you, but I know you need interesting cases. Is it true the CIA has come calling?" he asked.
"Suhara, they have all come calling. The CIA, the FBI, Scotland Yard, Interpol, the KGB…" Her mentor's eyes went wide at the last. "You needn't worry. I turned them all down."
"But if it is challenges you are looking for, the CIA would surely…"
"I have no desire to risk my life as a pawn in a game of realpolitik," Carmen cut him off abruptly. The CIA recruiter had made an idealistic and shallow appeal to her patriotism, which failed; she had spent so much time moving around the globe the past few years she hardly felt like a citizen of any nation, much less the United States. The KGB at least had the decency to talk up the unique challenge of life as a double agent. Someone had done their homework there. It was almost tempting.
"Well and so. But why not the Bureau? With your skills, I'm sure you'd become a rising star in no time. And they don't lack for cases." While Suhara had started out calm, Carmen now detected a distinct note of worry in his voice.
"A lifetime spent wire-tapping mobsters or hunting serial killers has little appeal for me. Just because their criminals are more dangerous, it does not mean they are more challenging," she stated knowingly. Out of the corner of her eye, Carmen saw her former partner wince and felt a little guilty. She knew he disliked it when she talked of criminals in terms of the challenges they posed for her, instead of the dangers they posed to society.
"So," the older man eyed her quizzically, "you will stay at ACME until some brilliant master thief comes along to dazzle you?"
"Yes, I suppose so," Carmen sighed. They had reached the edge of park, and she could glimpse the grey slate roof of the Golden Gate Girls' School peeking through the leafy trees. Her chest grew tight and she found it hard to breathe as she looked at her former home; the orphanage had once been her entire world, a very small one.
Suhara followed her gaze and gently touched her elbow. "Well, you know there is still one case left for you to solve."
Carmen blinked. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Surely, you have been tempted to investigate your own mysterious past. And now you have the time and the skills to do it properly."
"Perhaps I have better things to do."
Anger sparked in her teacher's normally calm eyes. Beware the fury of a patient man, the matron at the orphanage had always warned her. "Like squander your evenings in the seedier parts of our city? People say they've seen you out at all hours in the Castro…the Tenderloin…getting into fights, thrown out of bars, consorting with all sorts of shady characters…." He threw up his hands in disgust.
"I had no idea my comings and goings were the subject of such idle chatter. Are we ACME detectives or sorority sisters?" Carmen quipped dryly.
"Do not joke with me, Carmen. Is that how you came by the bruise that you have been trying to hide from me all afternoon?" He reached out to stroke her cheek and the young woman flinched at the contact. It still ached a little.
"What I do on my own time is my business. I think I'm entitled to a little fun, don't you?"
"If only I believed you were merely out sowing your wild oats, I would not be so worried." Suhara's eyes brimmed with concern. "Is it danger that you seek? Or escape?"
Carmen said nothing. Her heart pounded in her chest, pulsing red. Both.
He patted her back in a soothing way. "Carmen, the time has come. You have put this case off for too long, I think."
The young detective could barely meet her mentor's eyes. "And what if I fail? What then?"
Suhara regarded her with heart-breaking sympathy. "You are the finest student I have ever taught, the best detective our agency has ever produced. If you do not succeed, it will not be because the case is unsolvable. It will be because you didn't want to."
Carmen pulled away, closing herself off. "And what is that supposed to mean?" she asked, hurt and offended.
Suhara shook his head sadly. "I do not think you fear failure. I think you fear the truth, Carmen-chan."
Carmen clutched at the locket around her neck like a talisman. There was a lifetime of wondering and longing, of being torn between knowing and not-knowing, in that simple gesture. Some days she felt the torturous ambivalence coursing through her veins like a poison, eating her alive from the inside out. This has to stop. "You are a wise man, sensei. I'll…try to solve this case."
"Good. Gonbatte, ne." He smiled then added solemnly, "Because if you run from your past now, my friend, I fear you will run from it for the rest of your life."
Carmen nodded. I fear it, too. "Don't worry about me. I can handle myself." She gave him a rare and impulsive hug.
"So you tell me, Carmen-chan. But sometimes I am not so sure," he whispered into her hair.
Author's Translatascan: In case anyone was curious, Suhara tells the apprentice "Thank you very much. I'm sorry but I'd like to speak to my friend alone." Utsukushii means beautiful. And gonbatte literally translated is "try your best" but most people use it mean "good luck."