The Tendo School of Anything Goes Dojo was the proudest building left standing in the district of Nerima.
The construct itself was three hundred years old and had most of its original roofing and floor. Massive pillars of the finest oak proudly stood tall and gleamed in both the rising and the setting sun.
But to any student of the school the mightiest detail of the massive estate was none other than the headmaster of the dojo.
His name was Soun Tendo and he was a force to be reckoned with. Standing at an unprecedented six foot plus, he could look down on any man.
His jet black hair radiated force when he was angry and his deep brown eyes could turn as dominating as the earth when need be.
He could actually transform into power personified if he so chose. Soun Tendo had the strength of ten men and could kill on command and obliterate any adversary to his family.
Except for today, because he was far too busy cowering in his room.
TheTragic Alignment of theKotex Stars
By: Lady Mokodane
Splayed before the headmaster of the Tendo Dojo were several astronomical maps. He had rulers, and compasses, and detailing map crayons with projections and calculations written; cleanly tracing the stars paths.
The mighty force that was Soun had been crying since his alarm clock had woken him hours before.
"It's not fair! There is no way that the day has already arrived!" He glanced at the clock before whispering a prayer of protection to himself.
"Today is the day my three daughter's stars align together in the most unfortunate way!" He looked lost before his eyes fell on a picture of his deceased wife. He stumbled to her picture and held it to his chest.
"If you were here Kimiko, none of this would be happening. Why can't you be here to help me with our daughters?" As if a thought struck him randomly he looked back at the map and noticed his wife's star was also in correlation with the other three.
He sat the picture back down and continued to cry. "It would do me no good! You'd be one of them!" He practically yelled at the picture.
He breathed.
He was Soun Tendo. He could do this. With a mighty "guts" pose he strode through the bedroom door and right into hell.
"My first adversary is my oldest daughter," he whispered to himself as he edged around the kitchen corner. "Just remember to adore everything she does."
His confidence came back a little and he was able to saunter to the breakfast table with ease.
After looking carefully around the room he was almost relieved to find that Kasumi wasn't in the room. Just as he began to relax, "Why hello father, how are you today?"
"Ahhh! Fine Kasumi!" He answered fast and loud. He inwardly winced as he slowly turned to face his eldest.
Tears sprouted to her face in an instant.
"Why did you yell at me? Did I do something wrong daddy?" Her voice was almost too shrill for him to handle.
Buddha damn it. She was crying.
Soun looked around for someone else to fix the situation. He kicked himself and cursed today as a "very bad damn day."
"Sorry Kasumi, you just startled me that's all. Please continue with breakfast my darling daughter." He closed his eyes and waited for her response.
She beamed at him.
He knew now that it would be the mood swings that would get him.
"Right away father and might I add what a wonderful day today is!" Soun nodded his head yes and quickly went to drink the coffee on the table.
Soon his daughter placed his breakfast plate in front of him and he went to eat what was most assuredly a delicious meal…
Or so he thought.
It was single-handedly the worst thing he had ever tasted. He spit it out directly in the sight of Kasumi. She hurried to his side, "What's wrong father, are you ok?"
He coughed and removed the last remnants of … whatever… was left in his mouth. He spoke without thinking, "Kasumi that was terrible. I thought we talked about letting Akane cook and not warning me."
A moment of quiet passed before the scariest moment of Soun's life surpassed. It might have even killed a small piece of his soul.
Kasumi flipped the table and slammed it against the wall, "Then cook your own damn meal you fat old loaf! I slave over the stove for you! You insidious piece of dog bile!" Kasumi picked up her father by the collar and tossed him into the fallen table before stomping out the door to her room.
He was quiet for a while as whatever was left of broken plaster and food dripped with a wet "thwap" down his hair and to the floor.
"Guess Kasumi cooked it. Oh, what a terrible fate to befall a father as to have all three stars align…" He gathered himself as safely as possible away from the jagged remnants of plates and dishes and made his way directly to the furo.
Little did the old guy know that he was walking straight into the second star of the Kotex alignment…
He could already read the newspapers, "Headmaster of Tendo Training Hall, dies from PMS!"
He had just stepped out of the bathroom when he found himself face to face with most evil person he knew.
Nabiki Tendo.
"Hey daddy!" She squealed and threw her hands around his neck and placed a warm kiss on his cheek. Then Nabiki bounced back and smiled the brightest smile he had ever seen.
Her eyes gleaned love and affection for her father.
He was completely petrified.
'Oh my god… what do I do? What do I say? She… I am not prepared for this!' he mentally 'freaked out' on himself with his inner dilemma.
"Daddy, I need money." She was surprised as a "whoosh" of relief came from her dad.
This he could handle.
"Oh thank god Nabiki! I was so scared you would ask something that I couldn't handle. I can give you money, how much do you need, fifty thousand yen enough?" Her eyes bugged at the number.
Soun Tendo was a very scared man. If he could get away from the second horror of the day with as little ease as a big hit to his pocket book, then he would gladly pay Nabiki to leave him alone for the day.
Which is why he was so surprised at her reaction.
She inhaled deeply as tears sprung to her eyes, "Daddy, HOW COULD YOU?"
His only thought was, 'you have to be kidding me.'
"Do you really think that I would ask you for that much money? I thought you trusted me! How greedy do you think I am? Am I some money-grubbing worthless daughter to you? I only wanted a few hundred yen for a CD!"
The questions were rapid and angry and before he knew it he had been struck so hard that he ended up back in the bathroom… through the CLOSED bathroom door.
He could hear his daughters scream of anger all the way to her room, where a very loud 'slam' echoed through the mighty house and shook the foundation.
He looked at the bath water and made a hasty attempt to drown himself.
A few moments later he checked… and was almost pissed he came back up for air.
Steeling himself in the mirror of the bathroom he was mentally preparing himself for his final challenge of the day.
The final star of the Kotex alignment was the largest. Out of the three, this one would sometimes shine red.
This star had the ferocity of the devil.
Soun Tendo frantically checked the bathroom for a spare stash of Sake. No luck.
He talked to himself as he placed his hand on the door, "only one more… only one more… only one more…"
He was sure he could avoid Akane for one day. All it would take was some luck.
God damn the day.
"Hello father." Holy shit, it was Kasumi!
Soun carefully balanced the food tray on his way out to his death… er… dojo.
A black eye had formed nicely on his cheek and he was sure Kasumi had broken a rib when she power vaulted him into the grandfather clock before handing him a tray of food for the training Akane in the dojo.
He could barely keep from screaming and ripping out his hair.
Minutes had passed with him standing at the door of the impressive dojo.
Akane had always been a little crazy anyways… but especially on "her time of the month."
He was probably on his way to pissing himself when a loud shout and a rough sound of a massive impact drew his attention away from his fear.
He threw the doors of the training hall open in a fury to see what could have happened.
He could have laughed with pure glee! He didn't have to worry about pissing off Akane because now, they had Ranma!
She had tossed him into the training weights and was now slamming her fists into his abdomen as Soun watched stars shine behind his glazed eyes.
He finally took pity on Ranma once Soun decided that Akane had expended a fair amount of energy kicking him around the dojo.
"Akane dear!" His breathing caught when she turned a supremely feral look his way.
He stuttered at her advancing form, "Uh, dear, honey. Kasumi made you breakfast!" Her agitation was clear and he heard her bones crack in anticipation to deliver an intense helping of pain his way.
He did what any proud martial artist man would do in the face of danger.
He screamed and covered his ears. "I love you Akane!"
"Ooh! Pancakes! Thanks daddy! Ooh! They are delicious!" She skipped past him out the dojo door and to the main house.
Her father would later swear that he heard a cute giggle echo down the hall.
Soun could do nothing but cry for several moments.
"Oh god, it hurts!" Ranma Saotome, the God Slayer, lay sprawled in an intangible heap against the wall.
Soun's heart went out to his son-in-law. "What did you say to anger her, my boy?" The elder martial artist watched the pigtailed boy detangle his mangled limbs.
"What the hell was with Akane? I told her I thought she looked nice today and she wailed on me!" He popped his neck back into place.
"Rookie mistake Ranma. To her you made it sound like she looks fine today, but only today. You calling her pretty today makes it seem like you called her ugly every other day. It's called "menstrual logic" Ranma. You need to learn it. "
Soun sighed. "Today Ranma is the day that I have dreaded since the day I had daughters."
A completely blank expression crossed Ranma's face.
"Today is the day when all three stars signifying my daughters align perfectly. This means, that they are all three on their period." At the younger martial artist's impossibly blank expression Soun continued.
"The amount of pissed off estrogen bouncing around in that house of menstruation is enough to scare the devil from the cradle of hell!" He began pointing frantically towards the main room.
Ranma clearly didn't understand.
"God damn it! If you don't know about periods, how are you going to get me grandchildren?"
He smiled at Soun, "that's easy. Call the stork and ask him to deliver."
Soun watched Ranma for a moment to see if he was joking.
He wasn't.
The elder martial artist's eyes began to twitch and for a second he thought about going back to the furo and try again to kill himself.
"Ranma… once a month women have horrible mood swings that coincide with the paths of certain stars in the sky. For years my daughters have kept their stars away from each other. But today they have matched perfectly. So now," he explained as if it were nothing, "I am burning in the flames of hell."
The boy remained silent for a while. "So is that why Akane got pissed at me for calling her pretty?"
Soun smiled. "You finally understand Ranma. I am proud."
"But I don't understand at all!"
Soun nodded and walked back towards the house. "Exactly, neither do the rest of us. Glad to see you are up to speed."
The two men had decided do form a pack to stick with each other in this time of misery. They were going to be twin soldiers in war, brothers in arms.
"Hello father, hello Ranma," chipped Kasumi from her position at the table.
"Hey daddy, Ranma," greeted Nabiki. She was seated directly next to Kasumi. They were playing with each others hair.
Never, ever a good sign.
"Hi daddy and Ranma," she hesitated and bit her lip, "sorry I blew up at you. I don't know what came over me!" As the tears began to form on her cheeks Soun felt Ranma waver from their "pact."
He muttered on the sly to Ranma, "No! It's a trap. Don't get within arms length!" He made an attempt to catch Ranma before he walked to her but failed.
He smiled and gave a thumbs up to Soun, "Nah, it's Akane again. It's cool." He was already on his way to sit by her when disaster struck.
'You poor fool,' Soun thought to himself sadly before he fell into his daughter's clutches.
"Father," Kasumi started sweetly, "could you run to the store and pick us up some… supplies?" She batted her eyes at him innocently.
'Oh god no… not that.'
"Sure sweety, what can daddy get you?" He already knew the nail was on the coffin for the "world's crapiest day."
Nabiki was the one to pipe in, "We need feminine hygiene products. We are all three out. Here is the list." She handed him a list with at least twenty different "supplies."
How thoughtful, they are itemized by size.
"What is a feminine hygiene product?" Ranma replied stupidly from next to his fiancée.
Akane looked over. "She means tampons and pads and stuff."
"Oh…Eww." The flash of anger came from three sets of eyes and Ranma found himself power slammed into the floor.
"What the hell do you mean "eww"? What kind of thoughtless piece of crap are you! We hate you!" Soun could only wince at the physical barrage his "brother in arms" was enduring.
"Jesus! I am sorry!"
"Okay! Have a good trip you two! Toodles!" Giggles followed.
Every male occupant of the room shuddered.
Soun gathered Ranma and hurried out the door towards the main shopping district of Nerima.
He dragged the badly beaten boy behind him in a mad dash not to piss anyone else off to the point of severe mutilation.
Soun and Ranma walked side by side to the corner store. Not a word was shared between the two. Words weren't important to comrades that had stared into the belly of hell like they had.
They both looked bad. They both were covered in nervous sweats. Plus, they both had broken bones, lacerations, and scars that would haunt them both physically and mentally till the day they die.
Neither soldier would forget the day the Kotex Stars aligned.
After purchasing the absolute truckload of "supplies" for their captors… err… loved ones, they situated the large quantity of bags for the trek home.
But they were foolish to think that the day would be that easy.
Ryouga jumped from a tree somewhere around half way home and blocked their path. "Whatcha got there Ranma?"
Indifferent and tired Ranma opened the top of the bag and showed it to him.
It only took a moment for Ryouga to recognize what was in the bags. "You started your period? Gross Ranma! I always knew you were a girl!"
Ranma didn't miss a beat. "Kasumi's, Nabiki's, Akane's… what's the difference? They all suck goat nuts and I hate life more as every breath and step brings me closer to hell… or home."
Usually his appearance would have gotten the pigtailed martial artist's blood pumping and his adrenaline running.
But today Ranma had seen hell. Ryouga was nothing but a relief so the two doomed martial artists continued by simply walking around Ryouga.
"You can't ignore me Ranma! Face me like a man!" Shortly after, a cold blanket of water drenched Ranma head to toe.
Soun watched the next events with abject horror.
The girl form of Ranma appeared and … dear god no… smiled at Ryouga.
"Hey buddy!" An incredibly happy voice rang across the street.
"Geez girly girl, don't pop out of your top just cause' you are pleased to see me, PERVERT!" Ryouga chided.
The blood from Soun's face drained as Ranma started to cry.
Oh God NO!
Sound yelled frantically at his "brother in arms. "This can't be happening! Ranma, SON, are you okay? You aren't one of … them… are you?"
Ranma ignored Soun and shouted at Ryouga, "How dare you be so mean to me! You insidious piece of dog bile!" Ryouga was then slammed into the wall in a frivolous show of force from the petite redhead.
Once Ryouga was dealt with Ranma turned to face a pale and deathly sick looking Soun.
The blue-eyed smile was hell packed with a grin.
A … girly grin.
Shit! Shit! That star wasn't Kimiko's! It was … Ranma-chan's!
"Hey pops, ummm… could you go back to that store and buy me some more of those?" Ranma pointed at the brown bag's scattered contents. "Oh, and please hurry! See ya! I will be at the house. The girls and I are going to look at magazines and do each other's hair!"
Then the redhead bounced off back to her sanctuary.
Back to her sisters all aligned with the Kotex star.
Most people would not be alarmed to hear… that Soun Tendo… the mightiest force in the Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts…
…. died a little that day. The day of the Kotex Star
The End.
I first of all want to apologize for this.
Now I want to gloat that I am fairly confident this storyis unique... and hopefully funny.
It makes me damn happy.
This is my poor attempt at humor. I always like a story where Kasumi beats the shit out of someone.
Please keep up with my other stories, especially Choices Not Given.
READ AND REVIEW!
Peace out -
Lady Mokodane