park that car, drop that phone (sleep on the floor, dream about me)
Not unwelcome. Just unexpected. Tori/Cat.
;;
Cat says I love you like it's so easy.
She says it when Tori is lying next to her as they watch a movie, says it when their arms are pressed together, when she links their fingers or when she places a kiss on her cheek.
Cat yells it when they're getting ice cream, when she rubs her nose against Tori's own, her lips cherry red and soveryclose to hers.
And she whispers it when they're fucking, Cat's fingers pressed up up into her, rocking slow and sweet back and forth, and Tori moans into her neck, soft smooth and warm.
It feels like these small three words could bring down mountains, when Cat says them. It feels like being crushed, like the ceiling is pressing down on her and pushing all the air out of her lungs.
That sort of feeling is absolutely terrifying.
;;
Their first date was kind of not a date, actually, in the sense that Tori didn't realize it was a date until after the whole thing was done and over and Cat was kissing her goodbye.
Cat had called her up that day, and asked her if she wanted to do something. Tori liked Cat, she was one of her first friends at Hollywood Arts, and she was nice, which Tori always enjoyed, after having spent her whole childhood with Trina.
So she said sure, and Cat told her she'd pick her up at seven. When Tori asked what they were doing, Cat just told her it was a surprise. Oh, and Cat was paying.
Which, looking back, Tori should have suspected that wasn't normal, because when she went to hang out with Andre, he'd pay for half, sometimes, and when she hung out with Trina (which was usually rare, but not as rare as she wanted), Tori always paid, and when she hung out with Jade, which had been- well, once, so far, Jade had barely said anything the whole time, just read a book called Karma Sutra, and made Tori buy her a banana.
When Tori asked what that was for, Jade had said "demonstrative purposes", and after that Tori really didn't talk either.
Tori took a shower, and dryed her hair so it looked nice, and put on a little bit of make up- but not a lot, because she figured, there wasn't anyone she wanted to impress, really. (Or, she had thought, anyway.)
She got dressed, Cat picked her up at 7:11.
It was fun. Like, lots and lots of fun. The type of fun Tori hadn't had in ages. What felt like years.
And it went by fast, so fast she didn't even think about checking her phone for the time until she got a text from Trina asking where she was, and by then, it was already 11:48.
Cat had laughed when she'd told her she had to get home like, ten minutes ago. When Tori asked why, Cat giggled and said she reminded her of Cinderella, and Tori laughed too, remembering when her and Trina used to dress up as princesses. But Tori was always Sleeping Beauty, and Trina always got bored waiting around for "a hundred years", so Tori never got the prince to wake her up.
She had thought that night that Cat looked like Ariel, maybe, just a little bit. With her bright red hair and sparkly eyes.
Not the tail part. Obviously.
Well, Cat took her home, and on the way back they sung along to the radio. Cat's lips had looked shiny and full when she sang, voice high and pretty, "i guess the change in my pocket, wasn't enough.."
Cat walked Tori up to her door, and intertwined their fingers together. Cat's nails were painted, light blue and green, with little diamond things in the middle of each one, except for the left thumb.
Tori had smiled at her, and Cat smiled back, wide and bright, like a shooting star, Tori thought wildly. Cat smelled nice, like perfume and something else, raspberries or apples or something-
and she hadn't thought anymore, because then Cat was kissing her, and she wasn't thinking anything.
Tori's jaw had literally dropped, which she didn't think happened outside of cartoons. Cat grinned at her, then leaned forward and kissed her cheek lightly, and skipped off, waving.
"I'll pick you up for school tomorrow!" She'd trilled, and then she was gone.
Tori had went inside, and ran straight into Trina, who was looking at her with one eyebrow raised.
Tori tried to think of an explanation, but found she really couldn't think of any, which was a problem. Or would have been a problem, but Trina just shrugged and gave her some speech consisting of, "If you're gay, it's cool with me, you know. Or like, bi, or something. Cat's not bad looking. I mean, compared to me she is, but you obviously can't make out with your sister. You'd suspect my level of attractiveness to be above the laws of incest, but whatever, I'm not the gay one. If you are. Anyways, I won't tell Mom and Dad."
Which had made her feel a little better, but still confused, and incredibly creeped out.
But the next day, Cat picked her up, and kissed her good morning, and she'd tasted like orange juice and butter, and toast, which had been nice, and Tori really liked kissing Cat, so she figured she was at least half-gay. Or something.
And then she decided she totally didn't care, because the way Cat was pressing her against the passenger seat was really hot.
Also, being called Cat's girlfriend was not the worst thing in the world. Definitely.
;;
Tori doesn't say those three words as easily.
They're usually on the tip of her tongue, even more, with every day that's passing, every day that she holds Cat's hand and gets to call her hers, and it should be so simple, but for some reason, a reason Tori can't even begin to understand, it's not.
It feels like drowning, sometimes, when Cat's hand is pressed in between Tori's leg, when her fingers slip up her thigh, and then she'll come, gasping, Cat's hair tickling her nose, and it'll feel like surfacing. Tori doesn't know how or when it got this bad, wishes sometimes it was harder, so she could at least have an excuse.
And Cat is so nice, she never asks for a reply when she says them, i love you, i love you, into Tori's ear, her neck, her collarbone.
It shouldn't be this easy, but it is, and it shouldn't feel like falling, but it does.
(It happens so randomly, catching Tori off guard just one more time. When they're lying in Cat's bed, Cat wearing just a bra and underwear (red and pink striped, both of them, and it reminds Tori of candy canes, Christmas), when she goes to brush her teeth, and when she comes back she tastes like mint, and right then, is when Tori realises she's fallen.)
It shouldn't scare her this much, either. Tori doesn't think love should be scary, shouldn't be hard, love should be the one easy thing. Cat makes it look simple to love someone, how she just threw herself into it without any doubts, how sure she was, the first time Tori looked into her eyes after they fucked.
But then there are moments when Tori's lost in it completely- Cat- and it's not fair, that she can't make up her mind, sometimes it's so, so fucking hard, like she can't breathe because Cat looks so beautiful in the sunlight and her eyes look like hazelnut, and then sometimes it's acceptance, Tori bringing Cat to her in the middle of the hallway, pecking her lips in front of everyone.
(And one night, Tori leans over to Cat in the darkness, whispers it against her skin. I. Love. You. And Tori is sure she didn't hear her, but Cat's grip on her hand tightens, and she wonders if that's what it's all about- love- about not having to say it to know that's it's being felt. Tori thinks maybe that's the whole point, as her mind starts to go fuzzy with sleep.)
;;
Later, a different night, Cat sighs in her sleep. Tori.
Tori kisses Cat's ear, places her chin on her smooth shoulder.
Yeah, she whispers, it's okay. I'm here.
;;
fin.