The familiar city of Forks felt like home. Only I'd never experienced it from this perspective. I felt almost blind due to my lack of abilities. I could no longer recognize scents that carved and scribbled pathways all across the ground beneath me, though I knew they were there. No more was I able to hear far off conversations with my finely tuned super hearing. Most significantly, the constant banter of thoughts in the back of my mind was gone and in its place was silence. In the beginning, I enjoyed this shift in consciousness. When I'd been able to read minds – well, "able" isn't quite the term, because I didn't have a choice – I felt as if I were constantly invading everyone's privacy on an unacceptable level. Thoughts are the core of every human and living being. They are the driving force behind motivations, decisions and outcomes. Individual perception and perspective are what make being human such a wonderful thing, which all initially occur in private thoughts. Having the gift to demolish that key component of privacy was hardly something I ever felt grateful for. Instead it usually made me feel guilty or disgusted, depending on the poor soul's mind that caught my attention. Not to mention the element of predictability that made everything incredibly dull and boring. However, this ability proved most helpful in other situations. In the past, it allowed me to steer clear of any danger and recognize when it was heading in my direction. In such scenarios, it was purely a beneficial tool used for the well being of my family and myself. For this reason, I'd grown to feel vulnerable without it. I WAS vulnerable. I was human. For the first time in eighty years.
Not long after mustering the strength to leave Bella in order to preserve her life and soul, I befriended a man named Lucifer. In actuality, he wasn't technically a "man". He was something far different: he was a halfling. Up until the day I stumbled across him and his odd scent on the streets of London, I hadn't even been aware such a being could exist. Half vampire and half human. How strange I'd thought to myself how could such a thing even occur?
The story of his parents was not unlike the story of Bella and myself. The only difference was that his father had not possessed the strength to leave his lover and his mother accepted his father's wishes, being for her to remain human.
How incredibly convenient I'd scoffed, desperately wishing that Bella could have been less stubborn and more accepting of my own intentions. It didn't matter though. It would have changed nothing. I would still be jeopardizing her safety and happiness by remaining at her side, regardless of if she'd been more agreeable or not. She'd remain a human and I a monster. Completely incompatible, yet made for each other at the same time. How could fate be so cruel?
Lucifer's parents carried their relationship in the same manner that any human couple would, even in the realm of physicality. The thought of engaging in the same activities with Bella repulsed me. Not because I wasn't willing (I was more than willing), but because it would undoubtedly end in her death. I could not even begin to comprehend how Lucifer's father possessed such restraint… such delicacy. It made me jealous. Lucifer's mother soon became pregnant, something neither of them were aware was possible. Regardless, they were excited for a child. They viewed the situation as a miracle. A blessing. A gift from God.
However, it proved to be quite the contrary. Her frail human body was not the ideal womb for such a child. Just as his vampire father, Lucifer possessed super human strength and lust for blood. Two things he had no ability to control as a child. As a result, his mother died in labor and his father fled, unwilling to care for and love the creature that had been the death of his only true love – even if that creature was his own flesh and blood. Reliving the experience through Lucifer's mind infuriated me to such an extreme that I almost felt the urge to track down and harm the man that would leave a helpless child to fend for himself, especially given his condition. The story made me all the more appreciative of Lucifer and astonished at how he'd grown to acquire such a marvelous character.
In the end, it was Lucifer who divulged the deeply buried secret of the ability return a vampire to his mortal state to me. His Halfling companions had sworn him to secrecy, but upon hearing my conflicted feelings for Bella as well as the tragic story that surrounded them, he could no longer veil the truth from me. He felt I deserved to know and that I deserved to have Bella. I wished I could agree with him.
He informed me of how the halfling's venom acts to destroy vampire DNA, devoiding the host of their immortality. He also explained that this secret was so well kept that even the Volturi were unaware of its existence. He then went on to stress the importance of it remaining that way, for fear of the consequences and implications that were sure to ensue their discovery of this hidden knowledge. Knowing the Volturi, the consequences would not be minor; most likely death to all involved. They would consider it conspiracy.
Being human was something I'd wanted desperately for a very long time, along with the rest of my family. For this reason, we went to extreme lengths to appear and act human. A different approach from others of our kind, who usually laughed at our efforts. Of course, these efforts had always been futile. We would never be human nor would we truly appear normal to the human race. Forever, we would remain unchanging outsiders. Wherever we went, this fact followed behind us and we were unable to escape it. The horrible truth. The truth that only became more unbearable after I met Bella, for the one thing that constantly hindered me from being truly happy was the nagging fact that I was not good for her. I was unsafe and dangerous beyond words, and all because of my stagnate state of being.
Upon obtaining this new knowledge, I rejoiced. It was the solution to all of my problems. It was the key to my happiness and desires. It was everything I'd ever wanted. And Lucifer agreed to give it to me. Lucifer proved more of a friend to me than even some of the members of my family. He risked his life to many degrees, all for my happiness. I did not have the words to describe my thankfulness. A part of me wished he would accompany me to Forks and act as my companion. Especially because I no longer had a family. The greatest sacrifice I had to make in becoming human was my disconnection from the Cullen family. I was no longer equipped to live along side them. Sure, it could be managed. But it would be complicated. I wouldn't be able to keep up with their super speed and strength. I knew Carlisle and Esme would be more than willing to accommodate, but I didn't want that. I didn't want to inconvenience them any more than I already had. While they would certainly visit me occasionally, living with them was no longer a consideration. It was upsetting, to say the least, but they understood. It was far too risky.
"I prefer your happiness, Edward. No matter what that means. I will support you in your every decision. You know this." had been Carlisle's exact words. Though they were marred with grief, I knew he was being honest and I appreciated that. Carlisle was always so patient, understanding and considerate of everything I did. He thought the world of me and I thought more of him. I would miss his wisdom and compassion. I would miss Esme's love and support... Alice's cheerfulness, Emmett's sarcasm, Rosalie's stubbornness and Jasper's seriousness. I would miss them more than they could comprehend. They were the truest family anyone could ever know. But from the moment I'd realized my irreversible and eternal love for Bella Swan, my priorities had been distinctly set in place, with her at the top. I accepted this as something I could not control, it was just how the universe aligned, no matter how sick and twisted the reality of it was. My family knew this, and it contributed greatly to their understanding. They all felt equivalently about their own lovers, and would have made the same sacrifice had they been given the opportunity.