How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
He was staring.
He always stared. But today was different. Normally he just watched, but today he was gawking. It started when I pulled out my gloves. He politely stared until I finished cleaning the table. I felt myself blush and looked up at him and his eyes snapped up to mine. I must have said something earlier because he spoke when our eyes met.
"There's someone out there for everyone, I wouldn't even sweat it." He flashed the lopsided grin I liked to think he saved just for me, but I knew it probably wasn't true. He is married. I licked my lips and wondered if he knew how much I wanted him to be that one.
In attempt to change the subject I spoke gossip, something I never do. Love makes you do crazy things I guess. "Did you hear Sandy Ryerson got fired?" I never liked that creep anyway.
"Really?" Will responded more enthusiastically than I expected, "Who-Who's going to take over glee club?"
"Don't know" I responded before biting into my celery.
"Oh." He looked down at his cookies he always has cookies and I cocked my head to the right trying to understand him. "I was in glee club in high school." Oh. "Back then, it was cool. I know I can make it cool again. I need to talk to Figgins now." He left then, practically ran out, and I was left with Ken Tanaka. Ew.
"Hey Emma" Ken tried to flirt, or sound seductive or something and I resisted the urge to shiver.
"Hi Ken."
xxx
I knew I was staring, and it was inappropriate not just because I was married or because it might make her uncomfortable but because a friend of mine had eyes for her also. But I couldn't stop staring. She was so gorgeous. She ate lunch with plastic gloves and although she didn't tell me I could guess why. I never talked to her about it because, sadly, we weren't friends like that. I didn't really think it was a problem. So she likes things clean. Isn't that healthy?
She told me she hates single mixers. I saw Ken frown out of the corner of my eye and bit my tongue, trying not laugh. "I did give my number to a fireman though…" My smile almost fell off and I had to remind myself that I was married, I'm not supposed to be jealous of men that get her phone number to call her and ask her for a date anytime they want. But then she continued, "But he hasn't…called…" She bit her lip then and I wanted to bite it too. Stop it. This is wrong, you know that.
This was the opening I was waiting for, a chance to show her I could be there for her, as a friend, and so much more. If she'd just let me in. If I'd let myself in. If the chains tied to my ankle would allow me to venture that far.
"There's someone out there for everyone, I wouldn't even sweat it." I showed her the lopsided grin I saved just for her. My own wife only saw that smile once in college when I was beyond drunk and I told her about my fantasy of becoming a Broadway Star. Mistake number I've-lost-count.
Emma blushed and licked her lips, something else I want to do, before she spoke again. Gossip this time. Something she never does. Then I knew just how anxious she was.
I was saddened at first, when Emma told me about Sandy. But then I remembered Sandy coached the glee club, and now that he's gone that position must be open.
"Who's going to take over glee club?" She whispered that she didn't know, and I all but ran out of the teachers lounge to talk to Figgins.
xxx
I saw Will again, before I left today. I walked by his office and his head perked up, like a dog hearing the sound of a dog whistle. He smiled and waved at me and I bit my lip and waved back. His gaze lingered before he looked down at his papers again. I told myself not to stare and keep walking. I got home to my empty apartment, and wondered what life would be like if Will and I lived together, as a couple.
I imagined we would get home relatively around the same time, but I would beat him most days. I would start making a snack to hold Will over until dinner because God knows he would try to pick at the food long before it was ready and insist he can make dinner too. Then I would say "No Will," or maybe I would call him a pet name like 'sweetheart' or 'honey'. I would continue, "I want to make this." He would be persistent, and we might even get in a food fight. I didn't shiver like I thought I would when I thought of food fights with Will. When I'm with Will nothing is dirty.
He would kiss me, long and slow, before saying we should clean up and order Chinese food. After the Chinese food Will ordered when I was in the shower despite me saying I could still make dinner, was long gone and the kitchen was clean we would find ourselves on the couch, my legs thrown over his with a movie playing on the tv. Will wouldn't be paying attention to the movie though; he would be too focused on giving me a hickey. His arms would be draped across my legs, and in our pajamas he would push my night gown up centimeter by centimeter while his other hand maintained a secure grip on my other leg.
But that was just something off the top of my head.
xxx
Terri wasn't home when I got home and I was glad. I didn't have to listen to her complaining. I thought how life would be different if I never married Terri, but that was the only thing I didn't do. Would Emma and I be together? I thought how life would be if Emma and I where together as a couple, with no baggage.
I imagined Emma would be an early riser. She would make waffles on the weekends before waking me up in an R-Rated manner. I would clean up the dishes while she took a shower and after she got out I would take one. Then our day would start. We would walk around town with no end destination in mind, and we would walk hand in hand. Everybody would be able to see how in love we where with each other. If we got hungry during the day we would go to one of the restaurants around town. I would get the best for her, only the best for my Emma. The entire day would feel like a date, but neither of us would be nervous because we where so comfortable around each other. I would kiss her passionately just as the sun set and the ride home would be torturous. The sexual tension and anticipation in the car could be cut with a sharp knife.
We would just barely get in the door before our lips where on the others, hungrily devouring each other. I would think that I've never kissed someone with this much passion before in my life. Terri would be a distant memory. Only a girlfriend I dated for half of high school and college. I would confess that I've never been more in love with someone before and she would agree. We would both moan at how wonderfully we fit together. I would whisper that I want to do everything with her and experience everything with her because life isn't worth living if it's without her. She would express her love in words then in actions.
Emma, tiny innocent looking Emma, would grab my hips and turn me around so I was pressed against the door and she would ground her hips into mine in such a way that would make me wonder where she learned that. I would growl into her ear and escalate the thrusts of my hips. My lips would leave hers and move to the alabaster skin of her neck, sucking but not hard enough to leave a hickey. I know she doesn't want her high school patients to see the indent of our passion. "I-I want you to" She would say and I would know exactly what she meant. I would bite first, earning a mew from my sweet lover, then suck harder. I would be able to feel her need thrusting more slow and steady than moment ago into my own need. I would pick her up and carry her to the bedroom, squeezing her bottom for measure and lightening the mood from supreme sexual tension to a best friend but also boyfriend arrangement.
Instead I sat on the couch with sweat on my brow and moved my hand to grip my now throbbing erection and brought myself the release I craved daily when I even glanced at Emma. I screamed her name as I came around my own hand. I took a long hot shower and went to bed early.
xxx
He's having a baby. When I heard, my heart broke into two pieces.
Things were going so well for us lately. Will put a paper up in the teachers' lounge asking for chaperones so he could take the glee club to Carmel High School to see their competition for Regionals and I jumped at the opportunity to spend more time with him. We where standing in line to get lunch and he said to me, "Those kielbasas' look like they've been in there a while." I released the lip I was biting because Will was closer to me than ever before and risked rejection, "Do you want to go halfsies on a pb&j?" I fixed the bag hanging over my shoulder out of nervousness. He looked at me and gave me his answer, "That sounds perfect." He smiled that lopsided grin again and I felt my stomach churn and my heart skip a beat.
We sat down on a bench and he told me that he hasn't a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a really long time and when I asked why he answered "My wife's allergic to nuts." I told him that was really sweet and he looked confused so I explained myself saying that it's sweet that he doesn't eat something just because his wife can't. I handed him his half of the sandwich and he groaned which made me chuckle. We ate and talked then Will reached up to touch my cheek but then backed away. "You have some…jelly." I blushed and wiped it off but wished he did it so we could both feel the spark when we touch.
The Carmel kids where good, really good. Will was worried they where so good that his kids lost ambition. I told him "These kids have a passion for singing, a passion you share with them. I don't think either of you will give up so easily." He looked at me with this look that I can't describe. Like he wanted me, not sexually but emotionally. He smiled and I smiled back, still trying to understand that look. I constantly thought he only looked at me as a friend, but maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe he liked me like I liked him? It couldn't be, he's in love with his wife. When we arrived back at McKienly he hit my arm with his palm and said "See you tomorrow, Emma" before going to his car. I would have responded if I was able to think clearly.
xxx
I think I'm falling in love with Emma. And I think she's falling in love with me also.
I know it's wrong, so wrong but I can't stop it. I only see her for a little bit each day, but I can increase that time. She's a guidance counselor so I can go for her to help with problems I might have. But I don't have any problems. I need to see her more often.
Terri told me she's pregnant, and I'm over the moon. I'm going to be a father. It's a scary thought, and it seems unreal. We've been distant from each other though. I would grade papers and she would be in her craft room. We would brush our teeth together and go to bed with our backs facing one another.
I'm confused. I love Terri, and I'm so happy we're finally starting a family together, but I also have growing feelings for Emma. I need to talk to someone, get my feelings and thoughts sorted out but I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to Terri about my feelings for another woman, I can't talk to Emma about my feelings for her, I can't talk to Ken or Sue or Figgins about my feelings, and that's basically everyone I know. Maybe I should call my dad. He would understand.
The line rang once before he picked up.
"Hello?" I heard his gruff voice ask and was intimidated at first, but worked up courage.
"Hey dad, can I talk to you about something?" I paused for a brief moment, "Something you can't tell anyone else?"
"Sure kiddo what's going on? Is Terri okay? Is the baby alright?"
"Yeah yeah everything's fine. Dad, do you think it's possible for someone to be in love with two people at once?" I held my breath in anticipation of his answer.
"Yeah. Why what's going on?"
"I met a woman at work. And I think I'm falling for her." I bit my lip and held my breath again.
"Are you not happy with Terri?"
"She-I...She's different than when we first started seeing each other." I heard him agree and nod, "It's not that I'm not happy with her, I just miss the old her. And this woman from work, Emma, she's a breath of fresh air."
"Will, I don't have anything to tell you, or any advice to give you but here's what I'm going to say on the subject, you deserve to be happy. If that means staying with Terri, so be it. If it means being with Emma, go for it. I know you're confused right now but I also know that eventually you'll get your head on straight and be able to make the right decision. You need to go to sleep now Will." I glanced at the clock and he was right, it was almost one in the morning. "Keep your head up son, don't let anybody bring you down. This is a tough decision I know but you'll make the right choice."
I was sincere in my response, "Thanks dad. I'm going to go to bed now. Love you."
I heard "Love you too son" before I hung up and retreated to the warmness of my bed.