Okay, so this was therapeutic for me...It's been troubling me how we haven't gotten to see how Regina is handling this situation, so I decided to write how I imagined she'd feeling now with the arrival of the baby and everything else on her shoulders. Watching your soulmate share an experience you can't have with your sister - that is HUGE and heartbreaking, and I felt her internal struggle should be addressed. One shot. Thanks for reading!
Envy. The word her sister had used to bait her when she was introduced to her niece…or future stepdaughter; At this point, she doesn't know if it could ever become official. Regina absentmindedly gripped the window frame harder, staying hidden out of view as she looked on Zelena and Robin in the nursery unit of the hospital, feeding their baby a bottle. Envy…it was eating her alive underneath her cool exterior.
Her emotions were all over the place and it made Regina uneasy. For years she had always been able to shut them down, swallow them and transform those annoying sentiments into power and revenge. She had always dealt with the jealousy, with the loneliness, by allowing it to fuel her darkness. The Evil Queen was a protective shield, and while being evil hadn't made her happy, it had been less painful than being good was. In her past and present, being good had only brought her heartache and loss. First the heartbreak of losing Daniel because he loved her, then the loss of her innocence to a man who entrapped her in marriage, because she had saved his daughter's life. Because she'd been good. And now, she'd saved the town multiple times only to be treated like an outsider by the citizens, and opened her heart to a second chance at love only for it to be ripped away and returned painfully complicated. Because she'd chosen good.
For a while good had felt wonderful, she'd found her soulmate and seemingly gained what she always wanted most; a family. Now everything was turned upside down. How could she save Emma and be a hero when her own internal darkness was screaming at her to be let out? At times it felt pointless to continue being noble, if it weren't for Henry and little Roland's opinion of her, she might have already slipped back into the evil abyss and allowed the darkness to consume her again. After all, both paths seemed to lead her to the same, unhappy destination.
Longing. As much as she hated her sister, she longed to be in her shoes right now. Holding a newborn to her chest, smiling up at Robin over the way their little girl had cooed. Regina could usually ignore the maternal yearning to carry a child, to experience that connection with someone. After adopting Henry, he'd filled that hole in her heart and she'd achieved what she once thought she never wanted; to be a mother. But now, now Henry was older, needing her a little less and splitting his time between two mothers. It seemed like everyone around her had someone of their own, someone who shared their blood, shared that tether that could never be broken. While she knew DNA was the least of what made her a mother, she longed to know how it felt in the biological sense. She'd joined Robin about a month ago for Zelena's ultrasound and when her sister had pressed Robin's hand to her bump to feel the baby kick, Regina's stomach sank so hard she felt physical pain. What would it be like to feel Robin's child move in her womb? To feel him put his hand over the product of their love growing inside of her?
She let out a breath, willing herself not to let a single tear fall over it as she watched them. She'd dealt with her infertility issues years ago, had overcome them when she decided to adopt. Back then she never thought she'd find true love with another man, she never even entertained the thought of a happy ending. Henry was that for her, and she'd been content with just having him. But finding her soulmate, falling in love with Robin, and being so blissfully happy until Zelena put herself into the equation, had brought these long suppressed feelings to the surface. No, Regina never thought she'd have a happy ending, but to come so close recently, to get a taste of it before having it ripped away again, it was becoming more than she could handle.
Betrayal. Regina couldn't help the underlying feeling of betrayal beneath it all. She knew it wasn't fair to resent Robin, he had only been trying to move on with his life when he thought he was with Marian. Still, she couldn't of imagined being intimate with someone so soon after they'd ended things. She'd been too devastated, too busy crying herself to sleep in the privacy of her own bedroom and putting on a brave face the next morning. How could he of just jumped into bed with another woman, carelessly impregnating her so soon after proclaiming his love for Regina? Because she was his wife, Regina. She internally scolded herself for feeling hurt by it; their relationship had been over, he had been trying to move on. But she couldn't help that the sting of the pain was there.
Watching him interacting kindly with her sister didn't help matters, either. She knew it was a selfish feeling to hope he'd still be rude with her, and it wasn't even that she wanted him to be; it wasn't Robin's style and he had a child to consider. He was too elated with his new daughter to be negative or crass with Zelena. Not now. He was being nice to her, regarding her in a different way now that she'd given birth to his baby. Regina understood it logically, the child was half Zelena, he'd be bound to her forever and he didn't have it in him to be harsh to the mother of his child at this tender time. She loved that he was the type of man to love a child unconditionally, no matter how it came to be. She loved that he was the type of man who would show respect to it's mother, no matter how despicable she might be. She loved him, but his new treatment of Zelena felt like betrayal.
Guilt. On top of everything, she felt guilt gnawing away at her. She'd been avoiding the hospital since the drama with Emma taking Zelena, the Dark Swan giving her reason to stay busy and not have to deal with these feelings. Regina could almost laugh at the irony of the situation, of saving her sister from Emma. The sister who was making her life hell and whose presence would definitely not have been missed. She didn't know why she did it, the old Regina wouldn't have thought twice. Hell, the old Regina would've delivered Zelena to Emma in a package with a bow on it if it meant getting her out of her life. But she couldn't - she couldn't allow her own sister, the mother of this infant, to be murdered, even if it would've benefited her. She had promised Henry that she was going to be good, she had proved it multiple times by saving everyone when she could've walked away. She'd come too far to take the easy, evil way out now. She had evolved into a good person, and that meant putting the greater good first - to make the right decision.
What she hadn't expected was the way good always seemed to backfire on her, making her almost as broken as if she'd chosen darkness instead. She'd made the right decision, saved her sister, who was now reunited with her baby girl and Robin, but Regina remained on the outside, alone. She was sure Robin would want to share the joy of his new daughter with her, but she didn't know how much she could take, if she could keep a happy face on and not burden him with her hurt. So, she'd been avoiding having any real moments with them, making herself scarce until she was emotionally capable. What kind of person was she? That she couldn't look past her own sadness to be happy for her soulmate in this special time? That she couldn't bring herself to truly face the existence of that innocent baby girl? Guilt…it haunted her every thought.
It was then a sly smile brought her from her own emotional turmoil and back to reality. Zelena had caught her observing, looking up from the baby and throwing a triumphant glance towards her after undoubtedly sensing her presence. Robin, however, was oblivious, only having eyes for his little girl. Regina turned away from the window, disappearing into the shadows of the hall and making her way for the hospital exit. She didn't want Robin to know she was there, she'd only come to check in and make sure they both were okay and that Zelena was behaving. They had somewhat of an unspoken understanding for the time being; As long as Zelena wasn't scheming to leave with the child, Regina wouldn't lock up her sister or revoke her magic. Though, she didn't know how long this would last or how they were going to handle the custody of the baby once it left the hospital. Dr. Whale had kept the little girl for a few days to ensure she was healthy after Emma had sped up the pregnancy, and Zelena had returned to the hospital after getting free. Robin had never left his daughter's side the entire time and Regina…Well, here she was leaving, again.
Envy. Longing. Betrayal. Guilt. They swarmed inside of her, manipulating her thoughts, making her want to run away from it all. But retreat wasn't Regina's style, and her son needed her. Robin needed her. Emma needed her. So she'd do what had become familiar for her throughout her life, put on a brave face and keep those emotions to herself.