Author's Notes: this is the edited version. The original will be posted at my website when I can update it.
Degrassi and the characters of: not mine.
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Everything hurts.
My back is sore because I've been crying and sputtering and sobbing for about a good hour. My stomach feels tight and knotted, and the lump in my throat is still there, refusing to shrink. I stopped crying a few minutes ago, but my eyes are still full of hot tears, all because of him.
I can still remember when Emma introduced me to Craig Manning. Em had been baby-sitting Angela, Craig's stepsister, and she thought I should meet him. She'd gushed over how "gorgeous" he was, and, upon meeting him, I'd noticed that she was right. He was tall, with curly dark brown hair, dark eyes, and that brooding artist air around him. He preferred to take pictures with the basic old-school SLR camera, and he developed his own prints. He moved in with Mr. Jeremiah, his stepfather, because his real dad was abusing him. He ended up going to the same school as us.
The first "moment" I had with Craig was at the 80s-themed dance for grades nine and up. Emma and I snuck in—she dressed as Cyndi Lauper (she looked more like her mother did in her yearbook photos, though), and I dressed as Debbie Gibson. At the time, Emma had a huge crush on Craig, and she was really giddy over seeing him in his fedora and red Union Jack tank. He asked me to dance, and—even though I knew Emma was crushed—I couldn't find it in myself to decline Craig's offer. How could I? He was always sweet to me, and besides. He was cute.
Later that year, I asked Craig out. The date was a disaster. I knew it hadn't gone as well as I hoped, but I was certain that possibly Craig would take me seriously. It all went to hell, though, when I decorated Craig's locker, and he dismissed me. Just. Like. That.
It hurt. It really did. But summer managed to slowly heal my broken heart. But when I would join Emma on one of her ventures to the Jeremiah house and I'd spot Craig snapping pictures or playing something on his guitar (I guess he was also really into music), my heart would race just a little, and my eyes would burn a bit with tears. How could he turn me away? How could he?
It just got worse in July.
I was at the new café in the neighborhood, The Dot, when Craig walked in. He looked great in his faded gray t-shirt and cargo pants. I smiled widely at him, and was just getting ready to go over and say hi and hug him when I saw Her walking over to him. Her hair was longer than it'd been at the end of the school year—it was brushing the tops of her ears now. Gone was the "Goth" look; now she was wearing a bright red t-shirt and tan, black, and red plaid pants. She spotted Craig, then went to him and pulled him into a tight hug. It was only when he gently kissed her lips that my worst fear was confirmed.
Craig was dating Ashley Kerwin.
Ashley, who was Toby Issacs' stepsister. Ashley, who had been Paige Michalchuck's best friend. Ashley, who had screwed up at a party, taken E, made out with Sean, and dissed her best friend in front of everyone. Ashley, who had become shunned by her group and became friends with Ellie Nash. Ashley, who got her hair cut into a short pixie style and took up wearing all black. Ashley, who had talked to Craig minutes before the locker debacle.
I told Emma about this later that night on the phone, and she responded with, "Ouch."
Oh Em. You had no idea.
School got back in session, and I got back into Spirit Squad, meaning I got to watch all the cute soccer players. One caught my eye. Sully. But he didn't notice me. Obviously, I needed to do something drastic to get him to pay attention to me.
And Craig.
Yes, he had a girlfriend. Yes, I was "over" him. I didn't care. I just wanted him to notice me, not see me as "cute" the way everyone else did. I just figured that eventually, Craig and Ashley would break up, and I'd move in. After I broke up with Sully.
So, it was out with the old, in with the new. With $500 of "do anything you want with it" money from my grandma, I bought a whole new wardrobe. Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Beyonce became my fashion icons. I bought thongs, crop tops, low rider jeans, anything "hot". The wardrobe change worked—Sully noticed me! Granted, that made me feel confident that this makeover thing would work, but I didn't feel REALLY successful 'til I saw Craig checking me out one day.
Then came the night of Paige's surprise party. Almost everyone was there, including Craig and Ashley. After Paige blew the candles out on her cake, I saw Ashley dart out the side door and Craig follow her. I didn't think too much of it, until Ashley came in without Craig.
Please, please let him be out there, I hoped.
He was. And he was obviously crushed. He needed company. He needed me.
We went back to his house, to the garage. I asked him to play the song that he'd written and played for Ashley a few days ago at school. He started, but I stopped him. I told him what he needed to hear, and I kissed him; wanting more and hoping that he'd follow through. And he did. I lost my virginity in the garage of a boy who I'd adored for what felt like so long.
I should've known my state of bliss wouldn't have lasted. He and Ashley got back together on Monday. Right in front of me. She told him she loved him and hugged him in front of me. I held my breath, and he repeated what she wanted him to hear:
"I love you too."
That was a few months ago. Craig and I hooked up again, all behind Ashley's back. I hoped and waited for him to break up with her, but he didn't. So I asked him, point blank, to break up with her. I was sure he'd follow through—Craig hadn't failed me yet.
He didn't.
Ashley found out when she saw me wearing the charmbracelet Craig had bought me minutes before she was set to perform with him at the winter assembly. I think, for the first time, I realized the damage I'd done when she slapped him onstage, in front of God and everybody. (okay, slight exaggeration. But God probably saw this, and almost all of the school was there.)
For the second time since I'd met him, I was truly disappointed in Craig. I gave the bracelet back to him and broke things off. That leads me to where I am right now.
I can't believe what I've done. I don't want to feel guilty, but I do. I lost my best friend because of this. Emma disapproved of my relationship with Craig, and she won't talk to me. I don't really know who to turn to, and Craig…
I want to blame it all on him. But it's partially my fault too, I guess. I mean… from what he told me, he didn't feel that close to Ashley. (Does that mean I took advantage of him?) But he never said he felt closer to me than her. (So I'm not as good as Ashley?) It's just all a confusing mess, and I feel like I've screwed up so much.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I wish I hadn't messed up. I wish Craig would've picked me. I wish I didn't feel like I had to get back with him, even though I know it's wrong.
But I still feel like a criminal.