Inspirations, inspirations. Oh ayye, I've been sick, and I've been missing school. Boo.T
The actual poem I used was from Shane Koyczan "To This Day"
"Kurt, I've heard some rumors around your school, when I went to your school to pick you up for you session.. That you have some, strong feelings towards me"
Blaine said rubbing both his hands together
Kurt fixed his glasses, pulling his sleeves down, which did the job of hiding every scar he could've ever made to himself in the past. He kept his eyes dull and emotionless as he tried to do always.
"What do you mean?"
Kurt asked in a cold tone. That hurt Blaine, because after 2 years of therapy sessions he had broken down every damn wall Kurt had created, hell he had held him at his weakest points when he broke down sobbing in his arms.
"Kurt, stop. Don't give me that coldness, don't give me the attitude"
Blaine said reaching over his desk
Confused? Here comes an explanation
Kurt was 14 when his dad saw the scars on his arms and sent him to therapy with Dr Barnes, though sadly he had to retire and a new therapist Blaine Anderson, a new guy, straight from Stanford University.
Kurt was a stubborn boy, always got what he wanted. Though after being hurt so much, he just gave up. Though he couldn't give up the undeniable attraction that had grown from like, to something scarier. On both sides of the desk.
Now that you're caught up, here we go
Kurt rolled his eyes toying with his perfect nails, ignoring Blaine's requests as Blaine walked out of the room saying
"I'll be back in five, don't leave, I know where you live"
Kurt shrugged, putting in his earphones, to his favorite song by Bring Me The Horizon.
What doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead
Got a hole in my soul getting deeper and deeper
and I can't take
One more moment, of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
It comes in waves, I close my eyes, hold my breath and let it bury me
I'm not okay and it's not alright
Won't you drain the lake and bring me home again
Who will fix me now
Dive in when I'm down
Save me from myself, Don't let me drown
Who will make me fine
Drag me out alive
Save me from myself
Don't let me-
"Kurt!" Blaine yelled taking out Kurt's earphones Kurt jumped in surprise as Blaine went to sit down on the other side of his desk
"Kurt… Do you have some… Um, stronger than best friend feelings for me? Because-"
Kurt interrupted him before he got a chance to explain with his ice cold tone
"No. I don't. I don't like you."
Kurt could feel his throat closing up but he ignored it because he couldn't show any sign of indifference, it had led to, too many problems, he certainly did not need another.
Blaine reached over the table to Kurt's hand but Kurt snatched it away
"Kurt, come on! Stop acting like that, we've been through so much together! We've made some remarkable changes in your life! As well as mine!" Blaine said his eyes pleading
Kurt forced himself to shrug though his heart had a lump from all the feelings he had kept inside, nobody could know of. Only one person knew of those feeling, and as annoying and as much as he wanted to punch her sometimes, Rachel Barbra Berry was his only real friend other than Blaine.
Blaine sighed heavily, looking disappointed "Our hour and a half is up, but if you wanna leave-" before Blaine could finish Kurt was slamming the door shut behind him, leaving Blaine in the emptiness of his thoughts.
"Hello Kurt! We do hope you're feeling better, remember, you're always welcome in our house" LeRoy said hugging Kurt who hugged back lightly
"Yes, is Rachel home?"
"Yes, she's in her room, watching reality television or something" LeRoy shrugged, heading back to the kitchen where he was preparing dinner.
Kurt ran up the stairs to find Rachel in her pajamas in her ridiculously pink room. He hopped on the bed taking off his shoes as Rachel squealed and hugged him
"How was Mr. Anderson" Rachel teased waggling her eyebrows
Kurt pushed her and sighed heavily laying down on Rachel's comfortable bed
"What's wrong Kurt?" Rachel asked lowering the tv volume to have all the attention of Kurt
"He knows….. I have strong feelings for him… I just denied them all and basically ran out of his office…"
Rachel smacked him on the chest rather hard for being such an idiot
"Kurt! Go talk to him! You've been at his house before, show him your lovers side, because I remember walking in on you in the shower, and damn if you were straight-"
Kurt shot up from the bed blushing red kissing Rachel's cheek promising all the details when he came back from Blaine's house.
Kurt walked up to Kurt's house fixing his glasses knocking as he waited for Blaine to answer the door biting his lower lip, when a tall, undeniably gorgeous, shirtless man, with raven black hair and sharp blue eyes came with only flannel pajama pants
"Are you the pizza guy, because we ordered a couple 20 minutes ago.."
Kurt shook his head, his eyes brimming with tears as he cleared his throat
"Can, you give this to Blaine? It's from Kurt"
"Are you okay? I can call Blaine right now if you'd like.."
Kurt shook his head walking away from the door his hands in his pockets in deep shame as he heard Blaine's voice "Cooper? Who was it- Kurt? Kurt!"
Kurt wiped his eyes and kept walking to his car, which he had conveniently parked quite far away, he jumped when Blaine touched his shoulder and began to run as fast as possible.
Yes, Kurt was an incredibly fast runner, but Blaine had played soccer for 7 years of his schooling life, so of course he was fast and he caught up in no time circling his arms around Kurt's waist stopping from
"Don't touch me! I don't need your pity!" Kurt tried to break the grip, but Blaine just brought them to their knees, Kurt refused to looked at him as he struggle
"No….baby stop! Baby please!" Blaine pleaded with Kurt as Kurt struggled to be set free eventually jumping on Blaine sobbing his heart out, like he had done a lot in the past few years he had known Blaine
Blaine hummed and rubbed his back nodding when Cooper drove by mouthing how he would come back another day
Kurt was skinny, Blaine managed to wrap his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck as he crossed the street Kurt breathing in Blaine's scent as Blaine locked the door and walked up the stairs with Kurt around him.
Blaine set Kurt down on his bed sitting next to him
"I love you Kurt, not as your therapist, or best friend, but as a 24 year old guy, who has strong feelings for another guy and wants to date him, and treat him as he should be treated"
Kurt smiled and grabbed Blaine's hand
"I love you too, not as your patient, or your best friend, but as someone who has been broken for a long time, and wants to be with you." Kurt blushed looking away as Blaine kissed his cheek
"If you want to be my boyfriend, I would be incredibly glad."
Kurt nodded hugging Blaine who smiled
"I don't mean to take things too quickly.. But if you want we can cuddle in bed.." Blaine offered as Kurt nodded silently
"I don't have proper… attire to be in someone's bed"
Blaine stood tossing a silver t-shirt and flannel pajamas at Kurt, pointing him to the restroom
Kurt's dad had let him stay over because he thought they were still friends.
Kurt lay far off on the bed staring at the ceiling, feeling awkward, though Blaine wouldn't have any of it as he pulled Kurt's to the center of the bed having them face one another, as he spooned Kurt
Their noses were touch as Blaine stared at Kurt's lips licking his own as if asking for permission, as Kurt nodded as Blaine softly kissed his lips pulling away after a little smiling as Kurt covered his face with his hands blushing red.
Blaine uncovered Kurt's face and looked down on his wrists seeing the shame in Kurt's eyes welling up.
"Kurt, you shouldn't be ashamed. You've been clean for over 8 months! I'm so proud of you Kurt"
Kurt shrugged gasping when Blaine kissed every scar he had made for himself. Every bad day, everything he had ever messed up, he had marked himself for it.
When Blaine finished, he reached over to get Kurt's notebook asking with his eyes if he could read it.
"Go ahead, I trust you."
Blaine gleamed at Kurt's comment and kissed him leaving a bright red Kurt laying on the bed beside him as he opened the notebook to a familiar page where Kurt had been working on for months.
I'm not the only kid
who grew up this way
surrounded by people who used to say
that rhyme about sticks and stones
as if broken bones
hurt more than the names we got called
and we got called them all
so we grew up believing no one
would ever fall in love with us
that we'd be lonely forever
that we'd never meet someone
to make us feel like the sun
was something they built for us
in their tool shed
so broken heart strings bled the blues
as we tried to empty ourselves
so we would feel nothing
don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone
that an ingrown life
is something surgeons can cut away
that there's no way for it to metastasize
it does
she was eight years old
our first day of grade three
when she got called ugly
we both got moved to the back of the class
so we would stop get bombarded by spit balls
but the school halls were a battleground
where we found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day
we used to stay inside for recess
because outside was worse
outside we'd have to rehearse running away
or learn to stay still like statues giving no clues that we were there
in grade five they taped a sign to her desk
that read beware of dog
to this day
despite a loving husband
she doesn't think she's beautiful
because of a birthmark
that takes up a little less than half of her face
kids used to say she looks like a wrong answer
that someone tried to erase
but couldn't quite get the job done
and they'll never understand
that she's raising two kids
whose definition of beauty
begins with the word mom
because they see her heart
before they see her skin
that she's only ever always been amazing
he
was a broken branch
grafted onto a different family tree
adopted
but not because his parents opted for a different destiny
he was three when he became a mixed drink
of one part left alone
and two parts tragedy
started therapy in 8th grade
had a personality made up of tests and pills
lived like the uphills were mountains
and the downhills were cliffs
four fifths suicidal
a tidal wave of anti depressants
and an adolescence of being called popper
one part because of the pills
and ninety nine parts because of the cruelty
he tried to kill himself in grade ten
when a kid who still had his mom and dad
had the audacity to tell him "get over it" as if depression
is something that can be remedied
by any of the contents found in a first aid kit
to this day
he is a stick on TNT lit from both ends
could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
in the moments before it's about to fall
and despite an army of friends
who all call him an inspiration
he remains a conversation piece between people
who can't understand
sometimes becoming drug free
has less to do with addiction
and more to do with sanity
we weren't the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell
but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there's something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they were wrong"
because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong
they have to be wrong
why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don't worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me
of course
they did
but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.
Blaine wiped at his eyes when he finished the poem Kurt had written.
"It's not even that good" Kurt shrugged
Blaine jumped on Kurt grabbing his face in his hands
"Don't you dare, that was the single most beautiful poem I have ever encountered in my entire fucking life Kurt. I fucking love that poem as much as I love you!" Blaine sealed off the comment with a kiss leaving Kurt breathless
Kurt nodded and hugged Blaine close to his body until they were both fast asleep
but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.
Thank you for reading, it probably wasn't good, but thanks for reading! :)