A/N: okay so this my first fic ever so I'm sorry it sucks!
Disclaimer: I don't own supernatural or the characters but if I did...
Sam wished he was friendzoned, it would've been easier. Friends never lasted, they never stayed in one place long enough to make friends. But this wasn't a friend he could never have, it was his brother he couldn't have. His own brother what a freak. How could someone want that? To feel his brother's hands on him, feel his lips against his own, anything at all. Anything besides the hatred for himself that plagued his every thought.
Some times his sick desires escaped from the locked vault in the corner of his mind, where they were safe from his big brother. Sam could deal with his own hatred but not his brother's. He knew the moment he saw disgust in his brother's eyes, it would be the end. He would find away to leave, to never have to see the hatred in Dean's eyes again. To never have to watch Dean move away when Sam got too close and watch his beautiful eyes turn cold and unable to hold his gaze. He didn't want to live long enough to watch the prank wars stop, watch Dean stop asking him how school was and decide to stop sparring because Dean would rather die than feel his his brother against him.
And Sam would rather die than let any of that happen, he had debated just ending it all early so Dean would never know how sick he was. He could remember Sam as his baby brother instead the little freak who longed to be touched by his own brother. But then Dean would blame himself and destroy himself. At least if he waited for the inevitable, Dean would move on, finally free of his perverted freak of a brother.
He hoped Dean could remember the good times, the times before Sam's demons caught up with him and ripped his life to shreds. That the bad wouldn't erase every happy memory of them as brothers. He hoped Dean wouldn't burn his picture out of shame, destroy his baby brother's drawings out of hatred and throw away the amulet in disgust. Sam's heart throbbed when he thought about the last one, the amulet. The bronze amulet that Sam had given his brother, when he was eight, when everything was fine or would Sam's sickness infect every memory Dean had of them?
But if the darkness took over and all the love washed away, Sam knew, somehow, it would be okay. Because Sam would remember when his brother's eyes shined with love and happiness. When his eyes held no trace of the shame, hate and disappointment that was there now. Sam had hope, everything would be okay because when he burned in hell, he would always have the happier times, the times when his brother loved him.