Way Over My Head

Disclaimer: I must agree with the nice doctor people. I do not own Card Captor Sakura. Now on the subject of Syaoran…let's just say we differ in opinion.

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I cannot see it.

Dammit, I just can't.

Everything around me is changing, and while I may not be Mr. Super Excited about it all, I can still deal.

But without her in my life?

No.

Can't even imagine it.

Yeah, it's a girl.

I always thought I'd never have that problem. You know, love and girls and junk.

But that was before I came to Japan. Before I saw past the label of 'rival' and saw the most beautiful spirit I have ever come in contact with.

Of course, it helps that she's got these gorgeous, innocent green eyes – which happens to be my favorite color – and a smile that could light up the world.

Ugh. I'm getting all dreamy-eyed again. But I can't help myself.

Not when it comes to her.

Me? Who wants to know? Guess I'll humor you, not like it really matters anyway.

The name is Li Syaoran, former heir to the leadership of the Li Clan, based out of Hong Kong. Currently residing against family wishes in the small town of Tomoeda, Japan. Well, my mother didn't exactly say no (she didn't say yes either) and my father died when I was a kid, but if you count the entire Li Clan which I happen to be related to as my family, then yes, I am going against my family's wishes.

They weren't too happy when I told them I was going to move back to Japan. Because of a girl. Yeah, I think that solitary confinement for three months, being stripped of all political power after I still wouldn't back down, and being told never to set foot in Hong Kong again pretty much sums up 'not too happy'.

It's not my fault I fell love. Hell, they're the ones that sent me off to Japan in the first place.

For the Clow cards. For power.

I can understand the need for protection from outside enemies. I can understand becoming as powerful as possible to protect the ones you love. But something tells me, deep in my gut, that the power they want is the kind that crushes those around you before they even have a chance to think about attacking you.

Power for the sake of power.

And I can't stand it. Not since I've found something to protect. Something I'd give my life, my position, my soul for.

Someone.

What's that? Does she know?

Of course not!

Don't look at me like that. You try telling the love of your life how you feel about her when you haven't had the excuse to talk to her in three years.

I tried at first. I really did. But then she'd turn around when I called her name and look all sweet and expectant…and the words started mixing together.

And then she'd say my name, her face etched with worry.

"Syaoran-kun? What's the matter?"

And then the words wouldn't come anymore.

It became harder to breathe and I swear the people back in China could hear my heart beating.

But it was no use. I always ended up turning away, shaking my head and telling her never mind. It was nothing.

I was nothing.

Coward. That's what I am. I can't even say a simple phrase to a girl. A girl.

And then life happened.

High school happened.

I hardly ever saw her after our first semester. Our classes were different, our clubs met at odd times, even our friends were different.

That didn't stop me from watching her, though. If I couldn't speak to her because of time constraints or my own clumsy brain, I would watch her from afar.

I practiced the things I'd say. It was always something along the lines of "How's life? Good? Good. Okay well I gotta go. Oh, and by the way, I'm madly in love with you. See you later."

What? Not romantic?! Well, excuse me if I happen to be horrid with words and if I like things straight-forward like that.

Lay off.

Truth is (and if you ever breathe a word of this to anyone I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth and stab you to death with a spork) I'm afraid.

I'm scared she'll reject me. Smile that sad, pitying smile of hers and tell me she appreciates my feelings but doesn't like me 'like that'.

Or worse: she'll tell me she's already found someone to love. Her heart is no longer free. Her eyes are no longer mine to gaze at, her hands not mine to touch and hold when she's sad, her smile not for me and me alone.

And these thoughts scare the shit out of me.

It's her fault, anyway, all this emotional crap. She's the one who opened me up in the first place, dammit; the least the woman could do is let me love her.

Okay. I'm calm, it's cool. No worries.

I just get so…ugh…when it comes to her. She's like a drug to me. I can never get enough.

These past three years have been torture. Withdrawal's a bitch, I tell ya.

But after next week, I will die.

Figuratively of course; don't go calling that suicide help hotline now, I'm not that far gone.

Next week is our sotsugyou-shiki (graduation ceremony). And then she'll be going off to college, somewhere I can't follow her to. Why? Because I decided to let fate have a go at my pathetic life (since I seem to be doing such a horrid job) and chose a school without asking her where she was going.

And the chances of it being the same one are extremely slim, if my calculations are correct.

Last I heard, she wanted to be a teacher, an elementary school teacher.

And me? Hell if I know what I want to do with my life. It's kind of rough, your life goal switching from political leadership within a high-ranking clan to having no aim in life at all.

Aren't I just a bowl full of sunshine.

Screw it.

I'm in way over my head and I know it. But I don't care. I love that woman and if fate's on my side I will tell her how I feel, same college or not.

And who knows. Maybe she'll somehow love me back.

Despite the years apart, despite our differences, despite the fact that we were once rivals.

Maybe.