Well, a certain author is writing an episode of Doctor Who. He's one of my favorites, and I decided to celebrate with some silliness.
Doctor Who copyright of BBC
It was a usual day for the Eleventh Doctor. However, it started out unusually. This is to say, had an ordinary human experienced it, it would have been perfectly normal.
He woke up, brushed his teeth and got dressed, paying special attention to the bowtie. He ate breakfast in the kitchen/gymnasium with Amy and Rory.
Amy and Rory proceeded to disappear somewhere into the TARDIS and the Doctor went to the consol room, and waited for something to happen, like the TARDIS shaking or a distress single coming through.
For the next few hours, he stared at the phone.
Then he bounced a rainbow-coloured bouncy ball off the roof of the consol room.
He stared at the phone some more, before looking for something interesting to read in the library/swimming pool room.
Finding nothing he hadn't already read, he returned to the consol room to stare at the telephone.
"Doctor?" asked Amy from behind him.
He turned around to face the Scotswoman and her husband.
"Ah! Haven't seen you two since breakfast!" The Doctor's tone made it clear he was pleased at the change. "What have you two been up to?"
"Reading," said Rory hurriedly. Amy nodded vigorously, her red hair bouncing up and down.
The sad thing is, the Doctor completely bought that very blatant lie.
"Excellent! Now, there is only one question to answer." The Doctor held up his pointer finger and paused dramatically. "What are we going to do now?"
Amy and Rory stared at the Doctor, not daring to believe it.
"You mean, there are no planets to save?" asked Rory.
"Nope," said the Doctor, with a slight sigh in his voice.
"No monsters?" asked Amy.
"Not a single one."
"Well, that's alright then," said Rory, who was under the impression that the universe at peace was a good thing.
The Doctor sighed for real. "I suppose."
Amy suddenly smiled. "Why don't we go shopping?"
"Because the TARDIS can create anything you want," said the Doctor.
"It can't recreate Rice Krispy Treats after you've eaten the whole box."
"I said I was sorry about that!"
Amy raised an eyebrow.
"Rory, back me up!" pleaded the Doctor. "We're men. We don't shop! Grr." The Doctor flexed his biceps in a weak He-Man impersonation.
Amy snorted, but Rory just shrugged.
"I wouldn't mind going shopping," he said. "It would be a nice change of pace."
The Doctor became Mr. Grumpy Face. But then, he brightened. "I can buy a new fez!"
'Oh, lord,' thought Rory. He knew this would start an argument.
He was right, and the end result was this.
The Doctor would go shopping, if Amy agreed not to destroy or assist in destroying the fez. Telling River about the fez counted as assisting in the annihilation of the fez.
Neither was happy about the arrangement, but since when did a good compromise make everyone happy?
They went to The Mall of America, because if you are going to go shopping, and you have a spaceship that can take you anywhere, why not go to the biggest shopping center in the world?
They parked in the parking lot and walked across the later. Upon entering, the first thing they saw was a huge, creaking, twisting, scream-inducing ROLLER COASTER.
All thoughts of fezes and Rice Krispy treats left their heads as they ran towards to costar, because they could bloody well wait! The line was mercifully short, in case you were wondering.
The coaster was fun, but what was more fun was the pretending to be more frightened than they actually were. After their third ride, they all plopped down on a nearby bench all charting excitedly.
When they had run out of things to say, they agreed to split up. Amy would hunt for her cereal, while Rory and the Doctor would look at hats, particularly fezes. The Doctor gave Amy some American cash and they were on their way.
It took forever to find a fez. They found a place called The Hat Store, but was more of a baseball cap store and thus a disappointment. When asked where to find a fez, the Mall of America employees responded with surprise.
They were eventually successful with their search. The Doctor bought a nice maroon one with a black tassel. Rory bought one of those hats that have attachments to the side for soda cans and straws for drinking out of said cans. He, unlike the Doctor, did not wear his purchase.
"Do you think Amy's done?" he asked as they were walking out the store. He took out his cell phone and checked for any messages. There weren't any.
"Nah," said the Doctor, looking around. Hey, you can't blame they guy! There were tons of people and bright lights and stuff…
Rory's phone began to buzz and he pressed the 'Read text' button on his phone.
"Come to the store called Barnes and Noble," he read aloud. "There's a crack."
And so, another epic search commenced. This one was more hurried and more panicked, but at least the employees were helpful in pointing them in the right direction.
When they got there, Amy was standing in front of the store and holding a plastic bag.
The Doctor and Rory skidded to a halt. "Where is it?" asked the Doctor. Amy took out a book from the bag and handed it to the Doctor. (By the way, no place in the Mall of America sold cereal. Odd.)
"It's inside." She explained. The Doctor looked the book over and scanned it with the sonic screw driver. He opened the book and a light came out in the little dip between the pages, which the Doctor quickly soniced.
"Is the crack still there if you move the book?" asked the Doctor.
Amy nodded.
"Right then. Back to the TARDIS!"
And they were running. Again.
Yet, it was slow going, because everyone was going in the opposite direction they were!
"You sure it's safe to bring that book into the TARDIS?" yelled Rory.
"No!" shouted the Doctor, gleefully.
And they kept running, through the mall, across the parking lot and into the TARDIS.
Rory slammed the TARDIS door behind them.
"Book, book, book," said the Doctor, as he pulled it out of his pocket. He placed it onto the consol panel and began to flip all sorts of switches. What were they for? I don't know! I'm just the writer!
Data in the form of Gallifreyan characters began to appear on the screen thingy.
"Good news," said the Doctor. "This was not created by the TARDIS exploding. It's coming from somewhere else. But where?"
Suddenly, as though the TARDIS was answering The Doctor's question, images began to flicker on the screen. There were pictures of Chuck Norris, Betty White, Wang Fire, the Star Trek logo, tea, bowties, Starry Night, BRAIN BLESSED and many more!
"Of course," said the Doctor. His face broke into a grin.
"What's happening, Doctor?" asked Amy, her eyes fixed on the screen.
"Don't you see?" The Doctor chuckled. "What do they all have in common?"
There was silence.
"They're all awesome!"
"Then why were there bowties?" asked Rory.
"Very funny," said the Doctor with a wee bit of sarcasm. "Now, all we need to do is find the source and close it off."
Buttons were pushed. "Gah! I can't get a read on it!"
"May I see the book, again" asked Amy. The Doctor nodded, still staring at the controls and she took it.
"The author's name is NG*," said Amy.
She began to flip through the book. "Look at all these great
reviews. There has to be at least twenty critics. New York Times, People Magazine, The Sun." She gasped. "Do you think he falls under the category of 'awesome,'" she asked.
"Most defiantly," said Rory.
"But awesome things just don't randomly cause cracks in the universe!" said The Doctor. He began to pace, his right hand on his chin and the other hand on his right elbow. "Something must have happened."
"Do you have Internet in here?" asked Rory. In answer, the Doctor pressed a few buttons and a keyboard popped out. The screen showed the Google homepage. Rory typed 'NG writer' into the search box and clicked 'News.'
The first hit read, "Popular Author NG Will Write an Episode of Nurse Which."
"Of course!" said Rory. (He was quite pleased to fill the Doctor's normal role.) But then, he frowned.
"What exactly is Nurse Which?" asked the Doctor.
"It's a television program," explained Amy. "It's pretty popular and it's been around forever."
"Ah." The Doctor scowled. He didn't like being the exposition-generator.
Rory was drumming his fingers on the consol, biting his lip and staring hard at the screen. At last he spoke. "But that is impossible!"
"Rory, you're travelling in a spaceship that looks like a police box but is bigger on the inside. You've faced alien vampires, been trapped into two dream realties, witnessed homo reptilia walk the earth, erased from existence, came back, protected a box for two thousand years and you are saying 'but that is impossible?'" asked the Doctor.
"Well, other great writers have written for Nurse Which and the universe did not crack," said Rory.
"Good point," said the Doctor. "So what makes this special?"
"Does it matter?" asked Amy. "If we could stop the episode from happening, would the crack disappear?"
"Maybe," said the Doctor. "It seems like a good idea. Let's go!"
"Go where?" asked Rory as the Doctor resumed his frantic pushing of buttons.
"Not sure," he replied. "The TARDIS just puts us where we need to be.
"Great," muttered Rory as the TARDIS began to disappear. "You know, that explains so much."
They landed with the normal loud creaking. Stepping outside, they found that it was raining.
"C'mon!" said the Doctor, cheerily. He began to run towards a vague house-like shape. Amy and Rory became Mr. and Mrs. Grumpy-Face as they followed him.
The Doctor knocked on the door as soon as he was close enough to do so. The sound of large dogs barking came from inside. The door opened reveling a pale, dark haired man wearing a leather jacket and a scruffy beard. He was holding two white German-shepherd-looking dogs by their collars.
"Can I help you?" he asked. He had a voice that sounded like Alan Rickman's, only not as deep and sans dramatic pauses.
"Are you the author that goes by the name NG?" asked the Doctor.
"Yes," said NG. "If you are reporters, I am going to have to ask you to…."
"We're not reporters," said the Doctor. He pulled the psychic paper out of his coat pocket. NG couldn't recall what was written on the paper, but knew it was very official. "Mind if we come in?"
NG nodded and stepped back to allow the strangers in.
Amy and Rory muttered their thanks as they passed by him. The door was shut and the dogs, which NG had released, were inquisitively sniffing the newcomers.
"Now," said the Doctor, turning to face NG and clapping his hands together. "You writing for Nurse Which appears to have cause a crack in the universe."
NG stared at him. "You're crazy."
"Perhaps, but that is beside the point," said The Doctor. He began looking for the book in his coat pockets. "Amy do you have the book?"
Amy slapped her palm to her forehead. "I left it in the TARDIS!"
The Doctor gritted his teeth. "Back to the TARDIS, again."
And so, he ran back into the rain.
"What?" asked NG.
"Oh, come on," said Amy. She grabbed NG's wrist and they follow The Doctor across the muddy field.
"It couldn't have parked itself closer?" asked Rory over the noise of the rain.
"What's the fun in that?" asked the Doctor.
When they were close enough to see the TARDIS, NG's yelled, "That wasn't there before!"
"Sure wasn't," said Amy.
Doctor opened the door, and they all piled in. NG's jaw dropped.
"Yes, it's bigger on the inside," said the Doctor. He ran over to the consol pad to get the book.
"I'm hallucinating," concluded NG.
"It gets weirder," said Rory. This was not reassuring.
The Dcotor opened the book in front of NG's face. The latter stared at the glowing light. "That is odd."
The Doctor explained what it was.
When he was done, NG declared, "I am most defiantly hallucinating," and made for the door.
"You're not," said the Doctor in a how-many-times-must-I-say-it voice "But for time's sake, we'll pretend it is. Just go along with it for a little while and you'll never see us again."
NG thought on this. "Alright. Just don't make me do anything I'll regret."
"Pull out of writing Nurse Which," said the Doctor.
"No, I'll regret that."
"Did you miss the 'universe ending' bit of his explanation?" asked Amy.
"Maybe we should try to convince him we aren't a hallucination," suggested Rory. "Then he might take us seriously."
"You could make the episode terrible," suggested the Doctor.
"Again, I will regret that."
Perhaps it is worth mentioning, that this would not have worked anyways. NG writing something terrible is like dividing by zero. It violates the laws of the universe.
The Doctor groaned and began to pace.
"Maybe it is an overload of awesome," said Amy. "If we could some how lessen it…"
"How?" asked Rory, sounding a little bit sarcastic. "Kill Chuck Norris?"
A wicked grin spread across the Doctor's face. "That just might work."
"I wasn't being serious!" said Rory. The Doctor ignored him and prepared for lift off.
The TARDIS shuddered, but the creaking landing sound was absent.
The Doctor tried again and they succeeded in taking off.
The new formed quartet stepped out of the TARDIS as soon as it fully materialized.
They were in a desert. It was a real desert, one that is most commonly found in movies. There was no sign of mankind on the dried earth. Purple mountains loomed to the west and there were a few Saguaro cacti nearby. One had a cattle skull near its base. The wind blew a tumbleweed by their feet.
Then there was a earth shattering crash. NG, Rory and Amy instinctively closed their eyes and covered their ears. When they dared to look up, they saw the Doctor was holding a foot. Attached to that foot was Chuck Norris.
"Hello, I'm the Doctor."
A crack in the universe appeared between Norris and the Doctor
"I thought I roundhouse-kicked that box back to where it came from."
"Ah, that's why it wouldn't go," said the Doctor. He let go of Norris' foot.
"What are you doing in my territory?" asked Norris.
"Well, we came here to stop the universe from ending," said Rory.
"Does it have anything to do with that?" Norris pointed to the crack.
"Oh, you're sharp," said The Doctor. Then something clicked in his head. "I think we can solve this without any one getting hurt. NG, start writing an, an incantation of sorts. Something about ordering the universe to seal itself." He ran to NG, and gave him pen and paper. He then ordered, "Chuck, stand by the crack place your hands on either side."
As the two men began to do what they were ordered to do, Rory whispered to Amy, "Did that last bit sound a little dirty to you?"
Amy glared at her husband.
"Why are we doing this?" asked NG.
"I'll explain, later!" said the Doctor. "Just write."
Then the earth began to shake as Norris began to push the fissure together. The sound of rocks falling roared from the mountains. Everyone fell on their bums and yelled at NG to hurry. They got some very derisive replies.
Then, he finished!
The Doctor grabbed the paper and stood up. "Your hand writing is awful!" he remarked.
"Well, I'm sorry. I-"
"Never mind that!" said the Doctor. He began to read. "I; the Doctor, traveler of the Fourth Dimension, savior of planets and galaxies, and fez aficionado; command the universe to seal itself! The power of NG's words, my command and Chuck Norris will make this so!"
With a great yell, Norris pulled the Universe together. The earth shook for the final time and all was silent.
"Is that it?" asked Rory. "I expected it to be a bit harder!"
"I'll take it!" said Amy.
"How did you know your plan would work?" NG inquired of the Doctor.
"If you multiply two negative numbers, you get a positive number," said the Doctor. "The concept behind my idea was something similar. Use two awesome things to cancel each other out."
"But what if the awesome things were like positive numbers?" asked Rory. "We would have been screwed."
The Doctor shrugged. "I took a risk."
"While this is all very interesting, I am afraid I have some dinosaurs to take care of," said Norris.
As he spoke a giant Tyrannosaurus rex roared from behind them. Norris leaped into the air and did what was expected of him. HE ROUNDHOUSE-KICKED THAT MO-FO IN THE FACE!
The T. rex roared again, but this time in pain. It fell to the ground, deader than road kill.
"Well, have fun with that," said the Doctor.
"This is not fun this is practice," said Chuck Norris.
"Alright then, suit yourself," replied the Doctor. "C'mon Rory, Amy, NG! We'll drop the latter of you off and see if anyone in the universe needs our help!"
So the quartet went into the TARDIS and was off, all happy that the universe was safe and the ordeal over.
"Ooo-EE-oooo, ooo-ooo..."
*Well, fanfiction rules dictate that I cannot say names. BUT I asked this author if I could use his likeness. He gave me permission. It's somewhere on my twitter page….
** Since I am using Chuck Norris' public persona, I don't think this breaks the rules.
Review please! And tell your friends!