Okay, this idea came to me Christmas Day but sadly time was not my friend and I am just now finishing it and posting it. Two stories up in roughly one week, I am very pleased with myself. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and hope you all have a safe and Happy New Year.
Christmas was never a favorite time of the year for me but over the last few years it has become my favorite time of the year. The main reason for the change is JJ, she's the one who helped me realized why this time of year can be so very wonderful. When I was younger I use to hate it, honestly, though I use to hate all those family things, but more so any family holidays and Christmas most of all. I remember how during the holidays how the house was decked to the nines in decorations, always full of people just never on Christmas. No our house was always full just days before. My mom would have her annual Christmas party at our house, usually a few days before Christmas, didn't matter where we were in the world she always had one. Than by the time the big day would arrive it would just be me and well just me. Don't get me wrong there were always presents under the tree and a fest to eat but then that's not the real point of Christmas is it? But since I met JJ, I have truly learned the real meaning of the holiday spirit. The true spirit isn't gifts under the tree but the time you spend and the memories you make with your friends and family. Which brings me to this moment in time, sitting on couch Christmas morning watching Henry play with all the new toys that Santa and more so his fairy godmother has brought him, this my friend is the true meaning of the holidays.
Watching him brings me back to when JJ and I first got together. Shortly after JJ found out she was pregnant with Henry. Will didn't take to being a father as well as we all thought he would. Who knew he would panic at the thought of the added responsibility of a little person. Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, I too would have panicked if I were him, I would imagine every parent does. However I can't imagine signing my parental rights away or leaving the best person in the world, but he did. Doesn't matter what's done is done and honestly I'm glad because it gave me the chance at the only person I will ever love.
When JJ showed up at my door step, just after she told Will, she was a wreck. Her eyes puffy and blood shot from crying. I thought she was heartbroken that the man she loved, the father of her child had just abandoned her but no, that wasn't it at all. It took her a good hour to calm down enough to tell me she was pregnant, and to fill me in on what happened between her and Will. Another hour or so later for her to start to panic again, this time about how she was going to be a single mom, how she was to do this all alone. Than another hour for me to calm her down, again, to remind her that she's not alone and will never be alone, that there are people out there that will help her and that I am at the top of that list. Later that night she confessed that what caused her the most anxiety was how I would react. Me? Can you believe that, she was worried that I would react badly? How could I? I have loved her since the moment I meet her and I will love her for as long as she lets me, longer even. Of course I wasn't mad, excited actually. Floored is probably a better description, a little JJ running around this world would most definitely would make it better and it has. That boy is the spitting image of his mother from her blonde hair, blues eyes, to her love and compassion, he is all JJ. Though I do believe he has my sense of humor.
JJ moved into my condo within a week of telling me and instantly it felt right. My condo which I have lived in for years finally felt like home. That's when I learned that it's not the place that makes a home a home or your possessions but the people, the love, the memories that truly define a home. Roughly a month later we confessed our love for each other. Okay, confess is probably not the right word, we tentatively admitted that there may be feelings and they may be more than friendly. We were lounging on the couch watching TV when it happened. We were watching friends, the episode where Chandler and Monica hook up. To this day I don't remember the exact events that lead to the actual, tentative declaration of love but it came up. I remember something about how it's hard dating in our line of work let alone finding true love. How they had the right idea with falling for a friend, someone that already knew them better than they knew themselves. Next thing I know we are both staring at our hands admitting more than friendly feelings for a friend and then slowly admitting that our more than friendly feelings for a friend are actually for the friend sitting in front of us. That's the first time we tentatively admitted but soon after we confirmed it. The moment I knew I loved her and knew she loved, okay I knew I loved her since the moment I met her but the moment that solidified it for me, the moment that told me she felt the same and that we were meant to be, was at the doctor's office. We were there for a routine checkup/ultrasound, it was the first ultrasound. Took the doctor a moment to locate the little one but when she did we were both in awe. There on the screen was a little something that looks nothing like a person, and in the background we hear the beating of a heart. Honestly looked a lot like nothing and to this day not sure I actually saw what she pointed at but details right. That's when JJ said it, that's when it hit us, her exact words and I quote, "Look Em." Looking on I squeeze her hand and of course look but really I was already looking. "There's our baby." That's right "our" baby. Our as in mine and hers, not hers and his but ours, mine and hers, my heart stopped. Looking down at JJ I see a tear in her eye and a giant smile on her face, and I know that she meant it, every word and I was floored. My smile I know matched hers, the tears in my eyes as well.
That was nearly four years ago and our little man is celebrating his third Christmas. Since JJ entered my life and even more so when Henry entered it family time has actually become something that matters to me. Like I stated earlier, the holidays weren't something that we celebrated as a family, honestly we never did any of the family things. Back then I figured I was missing out on something but knowing no other way I could never be sure, but now, now, I know I missed out on so much and I am determined not to let Henry miss out on any of them. Sitting here I can't help but think about last night, about our friends, turned family, how we all came together. But I find myself replaying the events of this morning even more so. Spending time with friends and family is one thing but spending time with my immediate family, me, JJ and Henry is the best, enough said.
Christmas morning began like I'm sure most do. With a wide awake little one climbing into our bed. Okay, I guess our Christmas morning actually started that night or I guess really, really early that morning, with getting the present under the tree without Henry finding out. For a boy who can sleep through the end of the world, you tell him Santa's coming and the boy wakes up when a feather hits the floor. We were successful, thank god. Not really ready for him not to believe in Santa Claus not at three. Back to the little man climbing into our bed. He has always been the type of kid who would sleep all day if we let him but not today, not this particular day, no today he is waking us up at 4:45am. No lie, he is wide awake, ready to have his way with the presents. Groaning JJ and I both can't believe the time, needing more sleep I grab hold of my little man and pull him down between JJ and myself and whisper to him, "Hey little man, how bout we snuggle for a little bit and then see if Santa has come?" Thought it was a good idea and I guess he is okay with it because he climbs under the sheets but states, "He been here, me sees lots of pwesents." Our little stinker already snuck a peek, figures.
Turning, looking at the clock I see it is nearly 8:00, I can't believe we got that much extra sleep. Turning the other direction I am met with two pairs of the most amazingly blue eyes. Joy and excitement are shining brightly in mother and son's eyes and I can't help but smile at the sight before me, "Let me guess, present time?" With that two heads nod vigorously in agreement to my statement. You can't argue with them, trust me I have tried on many occasion and failed miserly each and every time. Believe me not complaining, honestly I can't wait either. We make our way to the living room, where low and behold the fat man did come and presents did he leave. I know Henry checked out the tree earlier, but standing there looking at him awestruck it's hard to believe that he's already peeked. He takes a step forward than stops and looks up at JJ and myself, "Well, what are you waiting for, let's do this." With that said he runs towards the tree with no idea where to start, though it didn't take him long. Handing out presents he would rip into one, inspect it and then throw it aside and start in on the next one. That was the process for each and every present. I can't complain. I love the joy on his face, the happiness you hear in his giggle and the sparkle in his eyes. With his last present open he runs over to me and his mommy and gives us each a giant hug to which he states very proudly, "Me was real good this year." "Looks like it little man." Laughing I turn to JJ, pull her into a tight hug and whisper, "Love you," to which I get, "Love you too."
And that brings me back to Henry sitting here playing with all his toys. Life doesn't get any better than this right? Me, my girl and our son. As I sit here contemplating how good life is, I see Henry freeze and he is now frantically looking around. "What's up little man? What you looking for?" He stops his frantic searching, looks at me and states, "Where my little bwother or swister?" Yup, life doesn't get any better than this, trying to explain to your three year old son why he isn't getting his little brother or sister for Christmas. Calling him over to me, I am trying to figure out what to tell him, I mean all those books I read haven't prepared me for this and trust me I read a lot of books. No they tell you how to keep them alive, you know food, water, bathing, clothing that kind of things but not this. I should have seen this coming because when we went to see Santa at the mall his one wish, what he really wanted more than anything was to have a sibling to play with. My face matched Santa's, he was speechless and so was I. He recovered better than I did saying he would look into it but couldn't promise anything. Yeah who would have thought his Christmas wish would be to get a sibling but that's what he wanted. Honestly though, it's what JJ and I wanted as well. Not necessarily for Christmas, just in general. We have actually been trying to get pregnant for a bit now and haven't had any luck and now I have to explain this to a three year old. Wishing you were me right now aren't you.
"Well buddy, you know mommy and I are trying to get you a little brother or sister but it takes time." Hopefully that will be the end of that. "Why?" Okay maybe not. Thinking back to a few weeks ago I can't help but remember how we learned that his Christmas wish wasn't coming true this year.
Walking over to the bathroom I see her head hung with disappointment. Her body language tells me all I need to know but still I need to see it for myself. Approaching her I looked down at her hands and see what I feared. The test is negative, we're not pregnant. I can't help but feel sad, disappoint and even a little angry. Damit! For nearly a year now we have been trying to get pregnant, three separate occasions actually the last being a little over a month ago, nearly six weeks ago. The doctor said invitro can take a couple tries before it is successful but really what happened to third times the charm. Realizing that JJ is still staring at that stupid stick I pull myself together and do the only thing I can. I ignore my own disappointment, walk up to her and kiss her forehead as I pull her into a warm embrace. As I hold her I hear her mumble something against my neck, pulling away slightly, "sweetie, what'd you say?" Trying to get my voice steady and strong for her because I know this is killing her but honestly it's killing me too. We both want this so much it hurts.
"I'm sorry Em." Wait? What? Is she really apologizing to me? Why in the world is she apologizing to me? "Sweetie, look at me." Pulling away so that she can look into my eyes, I wipe away the tears that I see making their way down her check. "Babe, this is not your fault, it's no one's fault. It will happen when it is suppose to happen. Okay?" I see her nod her head in agreement though from the look in her eyes I know she isn't in total agreement. "Jennifer, I love you so much you know that right?" Waiting for her to acknowledge the fact with a nod I continue. "Am I sad? I'm not going to lie, I am but that doesn't change anything. I love you and Henry so very much that there are no words. This will happen when it happens. I know that doesn't ease your mind but I just want you to know that I love you and this will happen."
"I know, I just thought it would be the best way to start the holidays. You know finding out we are expecting. Plus Henry really wants to be a big brother. I mean he even asked Santa for a little brother or sister." She's right it would have been a great way to celebrate the holidays, would have made a wonderful Christmas gift and Henry has been asking for a sibling since last Christmas. Being surrounded by our family, our friends and giving them the news that there would be another little one in the Prentiss-Jareau household celebrating Christmas next year. That would have been great. Though not being pregnant doesn't mean we won't have a great Christmas, we will.
"It would have been but we will still have a wonderful Christmas. Maybe we just need to take a break, give it some time and when all of the craziness that is the holidays are over we try again or maybe we give it a little longer but I know this will happen. There's not a doubt in my mind." I try and sound as confident as possible and honestly I believe every word I just said, I just hope she did as well.
I am brought out of my thoughts when I hear, "Mama?" Looking down I see him staring at me with his big baby blues. I wonder how long he has been staring at me. "Why?" He repeats his question and I still have not thought about an answer to why.
"Well little man, you remember how we talked about how babies live in the tummies of mommies." He nods and I rack my brain as were to go from here. I mean he is just barely three, how much do I tell him so he understands but not enough to scar him for life. "Well, buddy there is no baby in mommy's tummy, yet." Yeah I know lame right but god I have no idea how to explain the birds and the bees to anyone let alone a three year old, especially since our birds and bees involve two bees and a turkey baster. Okay an actual turkey baster but you get the idea. Wait is it birds and birds or bees and bees and really is it that important that I literally just spent time debating this in my head. God please let him except this as an answer or at least let him get distracted by something shinny or something anything.
"But why?" Nope so such luck, why can't he have the attention span of a normal three year old? Maybe I could bribe him with money, no not money he won't go for money no use for it, but transformers I could try transformers. Yup, I'm pretty sure transformers would work. But before I can try bribery, which by the way so was going to try JJ calls for him to come and get dressed. Thank god for JJ. There are so many reasons to thank god for her but at the moment none as important as this particular moment. I need to remember to talk to her and see what I should say when the topic comes up again because I know it will, he won't forget, wish he would but he won't. While I am without my helper I figure I should clean up some of the mess, lord knows when he returns he will bring more of a mess with him. About ten minutes later my little helper returns fully clothed in actual clothes no longer wearing his cute little reindeer pj's but instead is favorite cargo pants and a new shirt, one of those little t-shirts with words written on them.
As he begins playing with his millions and millions of toys I can't help but smile. He looks so content, so peaceful and so not asking me why. As he brings one of his transformers over his head I get a better look at his t-shirt. I'm reading it over and over again trying to comprehend what it says. "Henry can you come here for a minute?" As he gets closer I find I am tilting my head, racking my brain with the words that are sprawled out over his shirt still not grasping the actual words written on his shirt. "Buddy," he looks up at me and responds "Yeah Mama?" He has my way with words. "What does your shirt say?" I know what you're thinking, I just asked a three year old to read me his shirt, he can barely write his name and I want him to read. I will surely make parent of the year. I know jealous, right? Shrugging his shoulders, the response I get is, "don't know Mama." Of course he doesn't know he's three but his mommy will know, she knows everything. That and she actually dressed him so guessing she bought the shirt as well.
"JJ, baby will you come here for a minute?" As she comes into the living room I am still staring at his shirt. He's wants to get back to his toys but I'm not done staring at his shirt. Waiting for JJ to enter I finally hear her say, "Yeah babe, what can I do for you?"
"His shirt, what does it say?" I am starting to feel real stupid. Sitting here staring at Henry's shirt I am bewildered at the writing on his shirt. I turn to face JJ and I see the biggest grin on her face. Turning back to Henry his smile matches hers. "Well Em, I believe it says big brother." Huh. That is the only thought I have at this very moment, huh. "Huh, big brother, okay that's what I thought it said." I say this very calmly and then it hits me. Wait, big brother. "Wait big brother." Okay I know what you're thinking stating the obvious and so good with words it's funny. That's when I look at her again and see tears in her eyes. "Yup, big brother. Emily he's going to be a big brother, we're pregnant." She can't hide the excitement in her voice and I don't want her to but honestly, I'm extremely confused and happen I also happen to be very articulate when I'm confused so I come up with, "how'd that happen?"
Told you articulate, sometimes I wonder why she loves me. Glad she does, but can't help but wonder why sometimes. Still staring at her you can see her entire body radiating joy and with a slight laugh I get, "Really Em, do I really need to explain it to you. Well when two people that really love each other, and of course with the help of a fertility specialist…" Before she can finish whatever she is rambling I jump up, run over to her, grab her in my arms and give her the most loving kiss I can, which hopefully expresses not only my love but my joy and excitement as well. "Fool, I know how it happened, I was there, what I meant was the test was negative how did we go from negative to baby?"
"Well, apparently the test was wrong." Okay and I think I state the obvious, she's the one who is suppose to be good with words, made a living of it at one point. Looking at her with the look I get when I really just want someone to jump to the end she continues. "Well, when I called Dr. Jacobson and told her that the test was negative, she suggested I come in to talk, I guess she could hear the disappointment in my voice and wanted to check on me. When I got there we started talking and before I knew it she was drawing blood. She called yesterday morning with the news. I thought about telling you yesterday with everyone here but thought this would be a better way to tell you." She's rambling, she only rambles when she's not sure of herself. Not sure why she's not sure but cute as hell, that's for sure.
"Best way ever!" It's all I need to say because really it is the best way ever. Giving JJ another kiss, this one a little bit more passionate than the last to instill it in her that I am very happy, very, very happy. I am pulled away from the kiss by a little tug on my pants. Looking down I see my little man, looking just a little bit confused. "Big bwother?" That's my boy, just like his mama and mommy totally stating the obvious.
Reaching down I lift him up, throw him in the area and say, "that's right buddy. You my little friend are going to be a big brother." The squeal that came from him was priceless and he is literally wiggling so much that I place him back down on the ground where he begins to jump up and down repeatedly. The jumping up and down is heartwarming but him reaching up, placing a hand on JJ's stomach and saying "love you," was a heart stopping, tear falling, smile making moment that I will never, ever in a million years forget. My little man, not so little anymore.