The Fine art of Falling Apart
It was too late. She was gone, he had one too many glasses of bourbon with Diane to get over it, yet there he was on his favorite leather chair replaying Alicia's words in his mind.
It was over.
It was also inevitable.
Earlier he was an anxious bundle of nerves, like a lamb knowing he's about to be slaughtered Will fret and paced, trying to find the right words though none came as he tried and failed at sitting still.
Now, the entire after effect was mind numbing. There was no heart break, no tears, no pleas for her to stay. Just an embrace which was more for her benefit than his and then she was gone. How cathartic, he thought, practically hearing his father's favourite words.
Diane was gone, had been for a long time, yet he couldn't recall when she slipped out. Life kept moving on fast forward and for the first time he wondered why. What was the point? He tried to convince Celeste that work was important, work was the right path but what was the point of living on fast forward if you couldn't have what was right in front of you. What was right within your means.
The glass settled with a loud clank on the table by his armchair. He was tired. Tired of all this bullshit, but most of all tired of bad timing and jealous husbands.
They always had bad timing.
A mournful smile broke over him. This was his fault. With cases and work and all the sneaking around, it was tearing her apart and he had to keep her at arms length because that investigation would've sunk them both. In retrospect this break was the best thing for both of them, she was safe...maybe he could save himself too.
Chuckling at the stupid thought he rubbed his weary eyes. Everyone knew nothing would've changed whether they stopped seeing each other or not, the snowball fell and an avalanche was coming, taking away that original snowflake wasn't going to stop it.
No, he did the right thing. For once, letting her walk out was doing the right thing for both of them.
So why did he feel so empty?
Raising the glass, he didn't notice it was empty until the familiar cold of the ice nipped his lip. Startled, he stared at rocks, glad to feel at least something even if it was just the cold.
The muted click of heels came to rest at his door. Unlike Diane's attention commanding ones, these tried to make their approach subtle if only to give him time to react.
Only one person around here knew how to do that.
"Kalinda." He said, reclining back without looking at her. "Did you find anything?"
"I found a lot today," The clicks resumed, growing closer, ending at his side. "Nothing on your audit. I'm still looking into that."
They stayed in a moment of silence, both overlooking the world view outside his spacious office window. Will nursed his empty glass, while Kalinda stood firm, on guard, one supporting the other without saying a word. Why can't all relationships be this straight forward?
After what seemed like forever he manned up enough to glance up to her. She looked weary too. Pulling double for him and Eli was taking its toll, but something told him she was blind to it. Or at the very least was too stubborn to back off. A trait he was growing weary with himself.
"Do you like my furniture?"
"Your furniture?" she repeated neutrally in a well patented inquiring tone.
He nodded, suppressing the amused smile playing at his lips.
She shrugged. "It's yours."
"But do you like it?" he pressed. "I'm thinking of redecorating. Starting a new chapter."
"Waving a white flag will not end the current chapter."
He chuckled lightly. Kalinda Sharma must've been a philosopher in the past life. But it was times like this he was thankful for her less than enlightening wisdom, often making him face things he'd rather not.
"Will, how big is the real damage?"
It took him a moment to switch gears and realize she wasn't talking about Alicia. "Pandora's box level big. The last thing I need is the states attorney getting inside the firm, threatening out clients."
"Lamont Bishop."
"He won't stop there." Will said, eyeing the bottle of bourbon Diane left behind.
"He'll try to have you disbarred." Kalinda concluded.
Will's silence spoke more than words. Standing he poured himself another glass but instead of taking a swig he let it sit there, feeling Kalinda's eyes on the back of his head he tried retrieving some work related inquiry but his mind came up empty. All thoughts coming back to Alicia.
"You haven't told her." She said, "but you want to."
"She's gone," he blurted before he could stop himself. It must've been the alcohol because the admission, though soft and meant for himself, reached her ears.
"Actually she's next door."
Of course she was, that's where she'll always be, just out of my reach.
Will took a swig of his drink, pondering what to do next. To an outsider everything was falling apart, the job, the firm, the relationship, but what scared him the most was how devoid of feeling it was. There was no anger or frustration and even the nerves left him, ebbing away with the alcohol.
He had the weekends again. There wouldn't be anymore quickies and hot sensual wall sex. There wouldn't be any sneaking around and stolen moments, it somehow felt liberating. Truth was, seeing the family through that door made him realize just how far off from his own wants he was. Just how far he was willing to go for her...it was always about her...
Kalinda was beside him now, he couldn't remember hearing her move. Leaning a hand against the table she studied him. He kept his eyes downcast. There were enough people judging and analyzing him, with more to come thanks to Peter and Wendy.
Kalinda didn't say anything as she reached over, grasping the bottle. He glanced around for the second glass, but she was already filling his.
"The first stage is grief."
The liquid flowed half full.
"Then anger."
Breaching the mark it rose higher.
"Before acceptance."
She topped it off, few millimetres shy of the brim.
Will looked to her as she nodded in confidence, studying him. Of all people she was the hardest to read, impossible at times. But right now only her confidence in him shone through and for that he was thankful. He could've hugged her but that would breach some invisible line between them, and there was only so much ambiguity one man could take.
She stepped away, disappearing behind him.
"Kalinda," The heels stopped somewhere near the doorway. "I know you saved Grace. Thank you." He said the words he knew she'd long to hear but wouldn't from Alicia.
He could literally feel her hesitation before she collected herself enough to answer. "It was nothing."
"Well it's something to me. It's something for her too." Standing, stuffing his hands in his pockets he finally glanced her way. "Good work today, K."
"Don't roll over just yet."
Was all she said before disappearing out the door, leaving him to ponder more words.
Will didn't miss the hint of a smile ghosting her lips, one mirrored by his own as she strode past his glass wall. He liked their symbiotic relationship. They had each other's backs and in this line of work that was more than money could buy.
Surveying his office he thought about the redesign, vowing that if they survived through all this, if he beat them back, he would change things. No more sensual red to remind him of her whisper at the nape of his neck. Maybe a nice black and white to hide the good parts and the bad, a nice black and white that would never let him forget the emptiness of grey.