Written for the Coming Out of the Closet Competition by Someone aka Me. This turned out fairly well, if slightly shorter than I had first anticipated. Oh well. As of now, I am officially entirely caught up on my fanfiction challenges! It feels great not to have 5 million things to do at all times. Well, I hope you enjoy and review!
Remus wanted to tell someone; he wanted to keep it a secret.
Remus wanted to be able to talk freely; he wanted to never have to talk about it.
Remus didn't want to keep so many secrets from his friends; he never wanted the Marauders to know this about him.
Remus wanted all of these things at the same time. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. At a time like this, he would normally consult his friends, but herein lay the problem. He wouldn't ever dream of talking to his parents. His father hater him and even if he requested to talk alone with his mother and asked her not to talk about it with his dad, they would get in a huge fight and John Lupin would almost certainly hit his mother.
He felt like such a burden.
So he kept everything locked inside, didn't talk to anyone about it. James and Sirius began to get worried (Pete noticed nothing, as usual), thinking it might cause him to get hurt worse than usual during the full moon, but said nothing so that they wouldn't upset him further. Remus would tell them when he felt it was time for them to know and pushing him before then would just make things worse.
Remus noticed the glances they exchanged and the way they looked at him when they didn't think he was looking. He noticed James's intense stares during Care of Magical Creatures and Sirius's over-protective hovering during Muggle Studies. Remus wasn't sure how to feel about this. Perhaps they thought that Snape had been bothering him? They didn't think very highly of Snape after all. What did they think stalking him like this was going to accomplish anyhow? That with them on his back 24/7 he would relent and tell them what had been bothering him? He had held up for months before they found out he was a werewolf, and had only found out because they had overheard Madam Pomfrey and him talking on the way to the Shrieking Stack while trying to pull a prank. He could go for a while under this sort of pressure.
Or could he? Whenever he was in Sirius's presence and he saw that trusting, happy smile shot his way or his eyes, silver-grey and full of worry and concern for his well being, his heart sped up and he felt guilty over keeping his from them. There had been several times he had been on the verge of blurting it out in front of the entire common room. He simply wasn't ready for people to know, but he wanted so badly to tell them.
On one night, the Marauders lounged in their dorm room, having decided not to do the mountain of homework they had received in preparation for their up-coming examinations. It was this that James and Sirius were currently complaining about.
"Exams are weeks off, I don't see why they assign so much homework as if they're starting soon." James grumbled for the millionth time that night. Remus rolled his eyes.
"It's May 15th. Exams start June 20th. They aren't that far away - only a month." Sirius scoffed.
"Listen to yourself, Moony. An entire month! Who needs an entire month to study for a fucking test?" he asked. Remus raised an eyebrow.
"Judging by your D in Potions, I'd say you do. Maybe more." Sirius simply waved a hand.
"Please, like your doing any better." It was true. Remus's performance in Potions was abysmal, worse than even Sirius's, but he decided to ignore this. "Besides, who can learn anything with Slug-whore as a teacher?" Also true. Professor "Slug-whore" only bothered focusing on students with exceptional backgrounds, such as Sirius and James, who were purebloods from rich families.
Sirius shot one of his winning smiles at Remus and Remus felt his heart speed up and the guilty feeling spread in the pit of his stomach again, but he tried to crush it and smile back at Sirius, but he didn't fool his friend. Sirius frowned and came to sit next to him on his bed.
"Alright, Moony, time to confess. What has been bothering you these past few weeks? And don't even try to get out of telling us the truth." he added, seeing Remus pale. "We'll know if your lying."
"He really will." Pete piped up. "The other night he asked if I had eaten his cookies and I said no even though I really had and he knew." Remus disregarded this as it proved nothing. He was pretty sure even James could figure it out and James was horrible at reading other people. It was probably why he still thought he had a chance with Lily Evans.
But Sirius really was good at deduction. It had been him who had first figured out that he was a werewolf, he was the first one to find out about his bad home situation, why wouldn't he be the first one to figure out this new secret? It only made sense. And this scared him more than anything else.
"W-well..." he stammered. "I-I mean..." Sirius put an arm around his friend, trying to be comforting. If only he knew that he was just making this harder. Remus swallowed hard.
"You can tell us anything." Sirius said softly. James nodded.
"Yeah, we didn't reject you after finding out about your lycanthropy. What could possibly be harder to tell us?" Pete said something too, but it was muffled by a mouthful of food. Remus had no idea where he had gotten from this from but was far too distressed to dwell on it for more than a minute.
Damn. They were putting him in a hard place. He knew that they wouldn't reject him in his head, but his head still hadn't told his heart this. He just had to say it or else he never was going to get it out. Alright, he told himself. On the count of three... One... Two... Three...
Nope. Couldn't get it out. He took a few more deep breaths and counted again, this time completely resolved to say it once he got to three. One... Two... Three -
"I'm gay." he blurted out. Then he jumped from the bed and bolted. His werewolf strength made it so he could run fast enough to reach the bottom of the dormitory stairs before Sirius, James and Pete had registered what he had said and ran after him.
Down the hall, around a few corners and down three flights of stairs - he wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing. It was all over, he just knew it. There was nothing he could do. He had just ruined the friendship he had built up for four years in that one foolish second where he convinced himself to trust his friends. How stupid. They might be able to handle something like lycanthropy because it wasn't real to them. They may have seen him pick up objects and people that outweighed even him and seen his eyes become a rich amber color when extremely upset, but they had never seen him writhe and scream in a small bedroom in the Shrieking Stack as the full moon overpowered him and his transformation tore him apart and put him back together in a different form.
But this, his homosexuality, was something they would have to face every single day of their lives. It was something that would always be with him. Unlike with the wolf, he couldn't just ignore it and act straight. Well, he supposed that he could but that would involve dating girls, and that would lead to travesties he didn't even want to think about that would make it obvious he was not.
Remus threw himself into a broom cupboard and slid down the wall into a sitting position, his knees curled up against his chest and his head resting on top. He allowed himself a few moments to breathe heavily and loudly as he knew that none of the Marauders were within hearing range as of yet, but heard shouts of his name mingled with swears and heavy footsteps not too far and immediately quieted himself. They stopped around where the last staircase was and Remus heard Sirius's voice give instructions he couldn't make out. He heard two sets of footsteps running off further away and guessed they has spilt up. One however, was still running his way. The steps were too lift and quick to be Pete's, but still slower than James's, who was the fastest of the three. Meaning it must be Sirius. Remus felt like groaning. Of all the people to find him... He prayed Sirius would go right past this door.
Sirius, however, slowed down in front of it and swung it open. He didn't notice Remus at first as he had curled up in a corner, and Remus had used this delay as a chance to attempt to bolt, but the minute he moved Sirius had grabbed him by the arm, almost causing himself to be flipped over as Remus had tried to dash between his legs. He only stumbled, however, and easily caught himself before it happened. Remus struggled for a moment, but the fight had just about all gone out of him. He instead broke down and collapsed sobbing onto the ground only to be scooped into Sirius's arms, which effectively cut off his crying. He tensed, still in shock.
"Rem, I'm not angry with you, if that's what you thought. None of us are angry with you." Remus shook his head.
"Y-You all h-hate me, I just k-know it." he choked out, but his body betrayed him as he relaxed into Sirius's arms and clutched him as though holding on for dear life. Sirius rubbed his back soothingly.
"It's alright." he said again and again until Remus had calmed down enough to speak clearly. He pulled away, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry." he whispered.
"For what?" Sirius asked, settling himself on the floor. "For being scared and upset?"
"For not... n-not saying anything sooner." he mumbled. "I don't know why I didn't I was just... I thought you guys would reject me." Sirius shook his head.
"Never, Moony. We would never reject you. Especially not for being gay. You know," he said with a small chuckle. "I'm read glad you said something because now I don't have to feel bad." Remus looked up at the shadow that was Sirius Black inquiringly.
"What?" he asked. "What don't you have to feel bad about?" Sirius laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head.
"Y'know Moony, I've always had something of a thing for you." he admitted. Remus's mouth fell open in shock. Even in the bad lighting, Sirius could see the tawny haired boy's face well enough to tell what the expression was.
"Don't worry, I never expected anything to come of it, I just thought you should know." he assured him quickly. "I mean, well I hoped you know, but I always knew-" he cut himself off. "Besides, we've been friends so long that it might just be awk-" This time it was Remus who cut him off by pressing his own lips to Sirius's. Sirius made a small noise of shock but put a hand on the back of Remus's head to prevent him from pulling away.
Remus was more than happy; he was elated. He had always had a crush on Sirius which had made it harder to get out the words 'I'm gay' in the dormitory rooms as he had come to sit right next to him. And now he found out Sirius liked him as well? It was possibly the best thing that had ever happened to him. No, it was the best thing.
Sirius finally broke the kiss and grinned widely, which Remus returned. "So, you wanna be my boyfriend, Moony?"
"I believe when someone kisses you that is what they're implying." he replied smoothly, earning a chuckle, his low laugh making Remus smile. Sirius stood and offered Remus a hand to pull him too his feet knowing full well he could do it himself. Remus accepted the hand anyway.
"Should we inform the other Marauders of the latest development?" Sirius asked. Remus sighed.
"I suppose we should." he said dramatically. Sirius snaked an arm around his waist to pull him close and Remus rested his head on his shoulder as though they had been like this their whole lives. They set off slowly down the corridor to find the others, not in any particular hurry.