I Am Despair

CHAPTER I, PART I

So, Amagi is dead.

Kira Izuru sighed, lacing his fingers together in front of him.

So once again we have been betrayed.

It was chilly that night, with the cold sweeping through the Squad Three barracks. Izuru sat alone, a cup of warm tea perched on the table in front of him.

Once again I have been betrayed.

He tried not to think too much of it, but the betrayal of Amagi had shaken him- more than he would care to admit.

How could I have been so stupid again?

It wasn't that he was upset about Amagi because he knew him. In fact, he could have cared less about what happened to him.

What was the problem was that he had made the same mistake twice. He had followed blindly, lived and breathed by the code of the 13 Squads.

What am I doing wrong?

If he had noticed that something was off about Amagi earlier, he could have done something.

Aren't I doing my duty?

He could have reported him. Amagi might have been found out, along with his accomplices. They all might not have died.

What else could I have done?

Would I have done anything?

Leaning forward, Izuru buried his head in his hands. He was weak.

You're just hiding behind your code, something in his mind told him. You're just using it as an excuse for why you won't stand up for yourself.

Feeling water gather in his eyes, Kira pressed his hands into his eyes forcefully, hoping to quell the impending tears. He was a lieutenant, he had to stay strong for the rest of his squad in their time of need.

It's no wonder that he didn't stay, the voice taunted. Who would bother to stay for someone as pathetic as you?

Unable to stop himself, Izuru felt the salty tears spilling from his eyes, seeping their way through his hands and falling sadly onto his lap.

Taichou, why did you leave me?

He sobbed quietly, shivers racking his lean frame, choking on the lump of grief that had suddenly lodged itself in his throat. He had never felt more unwanted in his life.

Yet, he was glad that he was alone now. He felt ashamed enough as it was, and he would have felt even worse had one of his fellows had been there.

Besides, you deserve to be alone.

Hanging his head down even further in shame, Izuru felt as though his sadness was tangible, a great burden that weighted him down even more than Wabisuke would weigh down an enemy. It ate at his heart, making it thump painfully in his chest.

With shaking hands, he reached for his cup of tea on the table. However, the cup was cold to the touch, and the tremors from his arms made the liquid slosh into his lap.

Just as quickly as it had come, Izuru's sudden anguish left him, leaving only a slight feeling of melancholy.

Realizing that it was late, Izuru decided that he would retire for bed. Even if he got no sleep that night, he reasoned, it would be better for him to at least rest comfortably.

CHAPTER I, PART II

It was later that sleepless night that a small commotion reached the lieutenants ears. It came from somewhere else in the barracks, but from what Izuru could hear it wasn't the usual raving of his drunken subordinates.

Deciding that it was worth looking into, Izuru pulled himself from his bed, straightening his sleeping clothes as he did so. He was happy to notice that there was no stain left from where he spilled his tea.

Well that's a small blessing, he mused dryly. Tea dries clear.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Izuru went in pursuit of the noise. From what he could discern it was coming from just outside the entrance to the barracks. Striding down the hallway, Izuru could see a few stragglers who had also been awoken by the noise. Taking on the persona of Lieutenant Kira, Izuru met the questioning looks of his subordinates with a small nod of acknowledgement, indicating that he didn't know what was happening either but that as the superior officer he would handle it.

Nodding back, the other members of Squad Three allowed their Lieutenant to pass by, falling into step a few paces behind him.

Remembering a time not so long ago when he had been the one shadowing someone else, Izuru felt very uncomfortable realizing that it was he who was now in the lead. In order to put some distance between himself and his past, the Lieutenant picked up his pace, reaching the door and yanking it wide open.

The sight that met his eyes was a horribly familiar one. Several Soul Reapers were huddled around one that lay unmoving on the ground, blood staining his clothing and seeping into the ground around him.

Paralyzed by shock for only a moment, Izuru quickly recovered himself and asked, "What's going on here?"

One of the men (he recognized him as being of a lower rank in Squad 12) replied ,"Lieutenant Izuru! This man was attacked out on a patrol or reconnaissance mission of some kind. We were taking him to Squad Four, but his condition has worsened- we fear of moving him…"

Understanding the situation immediately, Izuru quickly used his knowledge he had gained while being in Squad Four and knelt down besides the fallen man, pulling his head to rest more comfortably in his own lap. Glancing up, he counted three men who had brought the injured one. He gestured at one of them, hoping to capture authority in his voice.

"You there, run quickly to Squad Four and bring back a healer. Tell them that this man will need a stretcher."

"Yes, sir!" the man answered, getting up and running off into the night.

Taking the opportunity to assess the man better, Izuru began looking at his wounds in more depth. The man had several long gashes that trailed diagonally across the front of his chest. From what he could see, most of them were not life threatening, the cuts were clean with very little ripping of the skin, indicating that they were probably made with a clean weapon, there was little chance of affection. However, there was one gash that had Izuru worried. It was deeper than the others, and it came too close to the man's lungs for Izuru's liking.

It could be fatal, he worried, if he doesn't get immediate treatment and medication.

As if to confirm his fears, the man suddenly seemed to come alive from his stupor, coughing horribly. Thick, red blood oozed from his mouth, indicating that he had damage to his internal organs.

Damn.

Izuru went to at least clean and bandage the man's wounds, but was stopped when he realized that the man was staring at him. His eyes were large and brown, glazed over and half dead. To Izuru, he looked so young and so lost, utterly broken. His skin was as pale as ash, and a cold sweat glistened on his face. Eyes widening in horror (perhaps he knew what was happening to him) the man made to speak, opening his mouth. But no words came out.

Forcibly tearing his eyes from the man's face, Izuru went back to attending the man's injuries. He had just begun when the messenger he sent returned, leading a meek looking woman with him. Immediately, the woman sat down on the other side of the man, not saying anything. She didn't need to, everyone knew why she was there.

The Squad Four woman leaned in closer, before hurriedly whispering to the men to go and fetch the stretcher. She frowned slightly, pushing her hair back from in front of her face.

Looking up at Izuru, she said "He won't last much longer, Sir. We have to get him to Squad Four headquarters right away."

Nodding, Izuru shifted slightly, trying to make the man he held in his arms more comfortable and to give the Healer more space.

"Yes, I understand. But Miss, will he be alright if we move him?"

The woman glanced back up at Izuru from her now opened medical kit as she opened up some salve and bandages. "He'll probably be jostled by the movement, but that can't be helped. He'll be uncomfortable with the move, but he'll die if he stays here."

With amazing skill that came from years of practice and application, the Squad Four member quickly finished up the basic repairs that Izuru had started. Then, she leaned back to sit on her knees, waiting with Kira and the injured man for the stretcher to be ready.

Looking at the man and realizing that he didn't have much time, Izuru cursed.

Shit. Those men are probably all from Squad 12 like the first one. Which means that they don't know how to properly use a stretcher.

Barely after a minute of waiting, the men finally arrived, carrying the assembled stretcher between them. They laid it down on the ground next to their comrade who lay bleeding on the floor. Izuru repositioned himself so that he was supporting the man by his shoulders, as the Healer went to lift up the man's legs.

Suddenly, a terrible shudder went through the man. Noticing this, the Healer abruptly snapped her attention to her patient. "He's fading!" she yelled, dropping the man's legs back down to the ground. She approached the scratched area of the man's chest, hands glowing with healing spirit energy.

From his position, Kira could feel every breath and shudder that came from the man, but even he was suddenly surprised when the charge suddenly started jerking and convulsing in his arms.

"Lieutenant, hold him down!" the woman instructed, desperately applying her own spirit energy to the man's chest. Izuru complied with her order, wrapping his arms around the man even tighter, brining his arms to be pinned by his sides.

However, whatever the Healer was doing wasn't working, because the man continued to jerk in Izuru's grasp.

Then, he stopped moving. A deathly silence filled the air, that had once been loud with the mans moans and heavy breathing.

He's dead.

Sighing dejectedly, the Healer sunk backwards, letting her hands fall limply to her sides. All of the spectators, the members of Squad Three who were awake and the men from Squad 12 who had brought the man, stared on in stunned silence.

For several moments no one spoke.

Then, very slowly and deliberately, Izuru looked at the mans robes, looking for a patch or some kind of identification. Finding one, he stood up slowly, turning to the small bunch of people gathered around him.

"Someone go to Captain Kuchiki in Squad Six," he said quietly, trying to keep a tremble from his voice. "Ask him if they have someone from their squad missing. And go and fetch an official to take care of the body."

Hearing two "Yes sir's" from some members of his squad, Izuru turned his back on the morbid scene, walking back towards the barracks. Behind him, he could hear the crowd dissipating, most of the people returning to bed.

Yes, he decided, today is a black day indeed.